Intro. Nice Dream
‘White and beautiful butterfly. Don’t give up flying because you’re afraid of falling. I’ll be your strong wings.’
It was like an image reflected on water as the waves started to subside. The butterfly’s wings in the picture book were becoming distorted. The hand turning the pages of the book resting on the thigh also elongated and bent.
‘Cute ladybug. Don’t stop walking because you’re afraid of getting wet in the rain. I’ll be your big umbrella.’
The voice that had been reading while pointing at the words with a finger gradually became muffled. But the flattened, distorted voice continued reading the fairy tale. It sounded like a broken machine. The strangely clumped voice seemed to suggest that the contents of the book were all lies.
‘Good and diligent ant. If you’re having a hard time, just reach out your hand. I am always by your side.’
The floor and walls were covered in blood. The woman who gave me my name, the man who tried to control my life as he pleased, and my useless hands that couldn’t do anything properly. Everything was red.
‘You don’t need to be upset because you can’t see. I’ll be the wind you can breathe, staying by your side.’
I picked up the knife that had fallen on the floor. It was the knife that had pierced the woman’s throat and repeatedly entered and exited the man’s chest and stomach. I know well where to stab to die in one go. I gripped the handle and pointed the blade toward that spot.
The blood-soaked room disappeared. A boy reflected in the curved glass window was smiling. He was waving his hand from outside the car window.
‘Stay healthy. See you again, Saetbyeol.’
He was the person who taught me the meaning of a promise by linking pinkies. With crying eyes, I smiled and waved goodbye. The inevitable wave came. The curvature of the car window intensified, and the boy also stretched and elongated. The boy, who twisted and turned like a snake fleeing from danger, eventually disappeared.
I put strength into my hand holding the knife.
I lived by holding onto the memory of that boy, that hyung, who became smaller and more distant outside the car window that day. Until now, I lived. But now I wanted to end it all. I wanted to end it. Just as I was about to plunge the knife deep to put a period on my miserable life.
All the vividly swirling sounds disappeared. In an instant, there was darkness.
It was the air purifier that sucked everything in like useless dust. Only the monotonous shade of darkness and the sound of the purifier running remained.
I know there’s no use in keeping my eyes closed. I lifted my reluctant eyelids. I saw the tiresome ceiling.
It’s a recurring dream. There’s no startling awake or breaking into a cold sweat. Just disappointment, disappointment, and more disappointment.
Because I don’t even have the courage to die. It was the most splendid dream of a bug-like life that couldn’t even jump, let alone fly, just crawling on the ground. The dream that others might call a nightmare was actually the most peaceful place. When I came out of the dream, that’s when the real nightmare began.
‘Stay healthy. See you again, Saetbyeol.’
A sound that might have been a real voice from memory or an extension of the dream brushed past. I looked at the digital clock on the desk. It was five minutes before the alarm was set to go off.
I raised my body that couldn’t die but had to live.
Track 1. Shadow of the day
8:29 AM. Temperature 2 degrees. Feels like 7 degrees. Humidity 48%. Fine dust concentration 98ug/m3. A dry weather advisory was issued, and the fine dust concentration was ‘bad’, so it was weather where ‘the elderly and weak are advised to refrain from outdoor activities’. But Geun-yeong’s mood wasn’t bad. The wind brushing past at about the same speed as his steps was refreshing. And above all, “Ji Geun-yeong!”
“Oh, Donghwa.”
Geun-yeong turned his head in the direction of the voice of Woo Donghwa, a classmate from his department, and put the phone he was looking at into his jacket pocket. His current blood sugar was 89mg/dL. Not bad.
“What’s so good that you’re grinning? Man, are you in a good mood from the crack of dawn? The sky is all yellow to me after staying up all night preparing for the test.”
“It’s because of the fine dust.”
“I know, man. Tsk. You’re not worried about the verbal test, are you? Huh? You annoying genius.”
“I am worried.”
“Don’t tell such obvious lies.”
Woo Donghwa, who puckered his lips and wrinkled his face, turned his head with a huff. He was pretending to be upset, and the back of his head showed hair pressed down and sticking out to the left. Didn’t he say he stayed up all night preparing for the test? Geun-yeong couldn’t help but smile. Before he could wipe the smile off his face, Donghwa, who had already stopped pretending to be upset and turned his head back, asked in a hushed voice.
“How is your mother? Is she okay?”
“Yeah.”
Geun-yeong shrugged. Feeling it was a bit insufficient, he smiled slightly.
A few months ago, Geun-yeong’s mother had attempted suicide. The housemaid found her and she was taken to the hospital. As she was quite a famous pianist, she caught the eye of a reporter searching for news stories around the emergency room, and it briefly appeared on the evening news. Woo Donghwa, who knew well about Geun-yeong’s family situation, had been occasionally asking about his mother’s wellbeing since seeing that briefly mentioned news.
“I see. That’s good.”
Donghwa also knew that she suffered from severe depression. And that she wasn’t Geun-yeong’s biological mother. Moreover, he knew that Geun-yeong’s father, who occasionally appeared on late-night medical documentaries or morning broadcast health segments, wasn’t his biological father either.
“Are you okay?”
“Huh? Yeah.”
Geun-yeong, feeling tickled by his close classmate’s uncharacteristic concern, burst into laughter with a “haha.” That was already a few months ago. Of course he’s fine.
Geun-yeong didn’t hide the fact that he was adopted from friends who entered what he called his ‘personal space’ of within 1.2 meters. Those who hesitated, building a metaphorical wall due to his family background that made them gasp upon hearing it, would remove that wall and approach after learning he was adopted. Though he knew it was out of sympathy and curiosity, he didn’t mind. Woo Donghwa was one of the friends he had made that way. But even Woo Donghwa, who prided himself on being the closest to Ji Geun-yeong among their classmates, didn’t know that the housekeeper who had simply taken the appropriate, sensible action had to quit because of that incident.
Looking askance at the guy with a cloudy smile, Donghwa sharply bent his elbow and poked Geun-yeong’s arm.
“Stop smiling all the time. I’m getting attached.”
At those words, Geun-yeong smiled lightly again. In a state where there was no guarantee for tomorrow, one shouldn’t carelessly become attached, but it couldn’t be helped. In the days when he thought he could fly if he just kept flapping his wings, forcing himself to smile at trivial things had somehow become a habit. The faint smile, the wingbeat that couldn’t fly, soon disappeared.
Donghwa placed his hand on his chest, pressed it firmly, and groaned.
“You know… I think I’m too stressed… To the point where it’s hard to breathe.”
“It’s because of the fine dust, I’m telling you.”
“Ah, geez. You mood killer.”
It wasn’t bad that the attachment he felt earlier quickly faded. Geun-yeong, with a silent smile, half-pulled out his phone from his jacket pocket and glanced at it from the corner of his eye. His blood sugar was 84mg/dL. It was fine. For now, at least. Still, just in case, he slowed his pace a bit. Donghwa, who slowed down with him, asked.
“17-ketosteroid. What’s the normal range?”
“7 to 20. For women, 5 to 15. In the case of children-“
“Enough, geez. Why do you memorize such useless things? You annoying jerk.”
Woo Donghwa cursed at Geun-yeong, who had memorized even the most trivial values that no professor, no matter how strict, would ever ask about.
Geun-yeong regretted answering the sudden question while he was focused on his blood sugar. He should have just said he didn’t know. He laughed again, feeling deflated by the careless mistake he had made unconsciously.
The ability to clearly remember scenes that passed before his eyes like photographs. He realized it was a curse around the age of eight when his memories began to gradually blur. If those memories weren’t there, he wouldn’t have needed to drag things out this long. Because those memories remained, he dragged on like this. He laughed again, feeling hollow and incredulous about the years that had passed. Not knowing why Geun-yeong was laughing, Donghwa grumbled.
“Geez. Why does a man’s smiling face look so coy? You’re such an annoying jerk, but I can’t even hate you. Ah.”
While chatting in their usual pattern, with Donghwa mostly babbling and Ji Geun-yeong laughing it off, they passed the main building of the hospital and could see the annex building where the classrooms for third-year medical students, known as PK (clinical practice students), were located.
Donghwa, who had been scolding him for needlessly smiling all the time, now changed the subject and was muttering that he couldn’t stand the sight of the hospital. Geun-yeong didn’t respond, wondering what this guy who studied to become a doctor was saying about not wanting to see the hospital. As if there’s a limit to monologues, a brief silence passed. Donghwa, who couldn’t stand silence, quickly asked about a new topic.
“Is your father seeing patients today?”
“I don’t… think so. Today he’s probably in his research lab.”
He had said today wasn’t a clinic day. That he would be in the research lab, so come find him if anything happened. Though he had heard this just last night, it seemed strange to know too well. Geun-yeong pretended to be uncertain and trailed off.
Donghwa poked out his already protruding lips even further, then clicked his tongue with a “tsk.” There was no point in getting jealous and sulking over things he couldn’t change. He pushed his lips back in and said:
“You’re so lucky. Since your father is a professor at this hospital, no one can say anything to you.”
Not hiding his envious feelings, Donghwa looked around quickly and whispered:
“Did you hear? The first-year in Park Sanghun’s group is a total jerk. Yesterday he ran at full speed so they couldn’t keep up, then hid and didn’t show up. The four of them ended up standing in the hallway for an hour.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
