#081
Lee Gyo-ha woke up in a cold American studio apartment where individual heating was difficult. Despite the murderous rent, the studio was always chilly. It wasn’t comparable to Korean winters that could plummet to -40 degrees Celsius on unlucky days, but American winters were far from warm.
People hurriedly walking on gloomy streets and cars stuck in gridlock traffic. The city visible through the thin glass window was both familiar and alien.
As if waking from a very long sleep, his body felt stiff and his mood was low. It was unlikely that the first morning of his first semester in the master’s program would be pleasant. Gyo-ha moistened his throat with lukewarm water and checked the time again.
It was still 6 AM, having woken up much earlier than usual. He was surprised at being up at this hour, as he was far from being a person of good habits or diligence.
Even on the morning of his first lecture, class didn’t start until 3 PM. So he could have slept for four more hours even if he dawdled. Even for a morning jog, 10 AM would be understandable, but 6 AM was too early.
However, instead of burrowing back into bed, Gyo-ha headed to the bathroom to shake off the strange sense of déjà vu. True to the studio’s poor heating, only cold water came from the tap. Not wanting to wait for hot water, he doused himself with cold water, but his mind still felt foggy.
As he prepared a simple meal, the morning news played on TV. The face of the anchor speaking rapid-fire for breaking news looked familiar. Although he had studied English before coming to America, he was surprised he could understand everything at that speed.
Thanks to this, Gyo-ha quickly sensed something odd. “Huh? Why am I so good at English? Anyone would think I’ve lived here for 80 years…”
But realizing something was strange didn’t change the situation. He felt like he had forgotten something very important, but no matter how hard he thought, nothing came to mind.
The route to the university should have been unfamiliar, yet he knew every place as if he had visited them countless times. He suddenly remembered the names and inside stories of shop owners he had never met. He even had a baseless certainty that the professor would spring a surprise assignment in the first class of the first semester.
“Oh, hello.”
A red-haired female student who took the seat next to him in the lecture hall greeted him cheerfully. Gyo-ha knew her name was Amy before she even introduced herself.
“It seems like you and I are the only ones who don’t know anyone here. Mind if I sit next to you?”
“Sure.”
“I’m Amy. Amy Rockfield. Are you going to the freshman welcome party today?”
“I guess so.”
“Then let’s go together. It’s awkward to go alone to those things.”
Amy was talkative and outgoing, just as she looked. Gyo-ha had to listen one-sidedly to her chatter. She went on about wanting to be called ‘M’ as a nickname and how she wasn’t interested in economics.
However, Gyo-ha already knew about Amy even if she hadn’t talked. Although he couldn’t understand how he knew, major and minor events that would happen to Amy in the future naturally came to mind.
For instance, Amy would drink too many cocktails at today’s welcome party and end up vomiting in the center of the party venue. The professor would nickname her something like the ‘Queen of Vomit,’ and she would regret attending the welcome party until she graduated from college.
Moreover, Amy’s ex-boyfriend from her undergraduate days would also be at the party. Amy, who had been dreaming of getting back together with her ex-girlfriend after an unpleasant breakup, would completely lose the courage to approach her ex due to her repeated vomiting at the venue.
Gyo-ha was confused about why he knew all this. He even had memories of willingly helping Amy a couple of times. For some reason, they couldn’t become closer because she had reported him as a drug offender…
“Did we know each other before?”
“Is that a pickup line?”
“No.”
“Good. We met for the first time today, and if that was a pickup line, I would have regretted sitting next to you. Unfortunately, men are outside my range of preferences.”
Strange things continued to happen after that. As Gyo-ha had predicted, the major professor gave a surprise assignment on the first day, and Gyo-ha knew the content of the assignment like the back of his hand. It felt like he had received the same assignment at least ten times before.
Even when he attended the freshman welcome party, he wasn’t excited at all. Everything felt tedious. He matched the dress code with formal attire, but there was nothing special about the party.
Despite Gyo-ha’s advice not to drink too much, Amy excitedly drank cocktails and ended up throwing up everything she had eaten in the middle of the party venue, finally earning the dishonorable nickname ‘Queen of Vomit’ from the major professor.
How can it be so predictable? It’s as if I’ve already experienced everything…
As time passed, this strangeness grew. When he happened to chat with a group of Chinese international students, he could understand Chinese without ever having learned it. The faces of professors he hadn’t met yet were all familiar, and the content of their papers came to mind complete with the table of contents, as if he had seen them in the future.
Gyo-ha wondered if he had gone mad or if he had received some sort of divine revelation influenced by his not-so-close maternal grandmother. Otherwise, it was nonsensical for this to be happening to him.
To be honest, he wasn’t the type of talent who would adapt so well to the integrated master’s and doctoral course. Although it was self-deprecating, Gyo-ha knew better than anyone that he didn’t have much aptitude for studying.
That’s why he had flown to America, claiming he would become a model. Although modeling wouldn’t be easy either, he had fled because he didn’t want to write papers. He had simply been caught up in his father’s arrangements and forced into the graduate school course, just like the expression “there’s no paradise where you run away to.”
With his English still at an intermediate level and being forced into an integrated master’s and doctoral course, Gyo-ha should have been looking for ways to drop out of graduate school. It was strange to be questioning why everything was so easy and familiar.
But no matter how many times he reconsidered, graduate school life didn’t seem daunting. It even seemed possible to balance modeling work if he managed his schedule well. Being able to recall an entire semester’s worth of lecture content just by seeing the course name – isn’t this every graduate student’s dream?
He must have unknowingly hit his head somewhere and increased his brain utilization, or perhaps he had gained some psychic ability due to his grandmother’s influence. There was no other way to explain such a change.
But even with his unfounded confidence in early graduation, the uneasy feeling didn’t disappear. Gyo-ha kept finding this situation strange, despite it being nothing but beneficial to him. The feeling of having forgotten something persisted even as time passed.
Several more days went by like this. Every lecture felt as tedious as if he had heard it ten times before. Whatever the professor said seemed like something he already knew, and he could predict surprise assignments due to the professor’s whims two days in advance.
Moreover, on the morning of his first semester in the master’s program, he felt compelled to buy a lottery ticket online as soon as he woke up, and the manually selected numbers won first prize. Gyo-ha was a bit dumbfounded. “I’m already rich, why did I suddenly buy a lottery ticket?”
Everything was questionable. He had always been lucky, but to win the lottery in one go like this? It was surprising to match the winning numbers exactly without even dreaming of ancestors calling out the numbers.
But no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t remember why he had wanted to buy the lottery ticket. It felt like the most important piece of a large puzzle had disappeared.
There was no homesickness, and graduate school life was going smoothly. Yet Gyo-ha kept wanting to return to Korea. Even though all that awaited him in Korea was his father who had pushed him into graduate school, saying, “My poor son, are you healthy? But you still need to get a doctorate…” and his growling siblings.
A feeling that someone would be there. And a feeling that he should give the winning lottery ticket to that ‘someone’. “Look at this. I memorized the lottery numbers because you told me to. Actually, even though I’m not good at studying, my memory isn’t bad. If you’re with me, you won’t have to ignore my calls to memorize lottery numbers, right?”
Standing in the still-freezing studio, Gyo-ha raised his head as if struck by lightning. Wait, shouldn’t I not be here? It feels like I made many promises with someone…
As he recalled ‘promises,’ his head felt like it was about to split. What am I forgetting? Gyo-ha kept questioning himself. He felt like he was forgetting something he shouldn’t forget. What am I doing here?
Amidst numerous questions, Lee Gyo-ha recalled one fact.
“What, now…”
It’s the fifteenth time, isn’t it?
Only then did everything start to come back to him specifically. Of course everything felt familiar. This was his 15th iteration. Having attended the same graduate school at least ten times, it was natural that he could predict the future. The numerous déjà vu experiences were simply parts of past experiences.
Rather, Gyo-ha was shocked that he hadn’t remembered the previous iterations. How could such forgetfulness be possible? How could he, of all people, forget Jung Hwi-kyung?
Without delay, Gyo-ha called Hwi-kyung. It was a small relief that the number wasn’t disconnected. His heart pounded anxiously. He couldn’t remember how they had moved to the fifteenth iteration. He was also worried about not having received any contact from Hwi-kyung.
After a long ring, someone answered the phone. Gyo-ha spoke urgently.
“Hwi-kyung?”
– Yes?
But the voice on the other end of the line wasn’t Hwi-kyung’s.
