#066
Gyo-ha struggled to understand his grandmother’s words. Though he didn’t want to believe it, judging by Hwi-kyung’s reaction, it seemed his grandmother was indeed the fortune-teller who had caused Hwi-kyung to regress.
But what did she mean by saying she had saved Hwi-kyung? Even to Gyo-ha, who didn’t have much work experience, making someone regress by getting them a job at a black company seemed more like killing them than saving them. The claim that there was something behind Hwi-kyung also sounded like nonsense. Weren’t old people prone to saying strange things?
“Tsk, so strong-willed yet so foolish.”
The old woman, who had been clicking her tongue, straightened her previously hunched back.
“Since childhood, always singing about fated love, fated love… Look at you now.”
“……”
“Why on earth did you, with such incredibly good fortune, make a vow with that unlucky one?”
Her continued words only confused Gyo-ha more. What vow? Although Lee Gyo-ha had a good memory, he couldn’t remember words or actions from when he was seven years old.
The old woman, who had been rambling about unfortunate events, patted Gyo-ha’s back.
“When he wakes up soon, he won’t be in his right mind.”
“Honestly… I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“I made a ‘bet’ to save that one, but what’s attached to him is… that thing.”
“Is the thing attached to Hwi-kyung perhaps the system window?”
“Sys… what?”
The old woman, who had been speaking as if she knew everything, looked puzzled. Gyo-ha felt like his head was about to explode from trying to understand his grandmother’s intentions.
Unfortunately, Lee Gyo-ha wasn’t the intellectual type. Despite hearing such meaningful words, his mind was as clear as freshly purified water, unable to grasp everything.
“So to your eyes, it looks like that sys… thing?”
“It seems so.”
“Anyway, that thing is very stubborn, so be careful.”
“How should I be careful…?”
“You’ll know when you see it.”
“I don’t understand…”
Gyo-ha felt like crying a little. What would he know when he saw it? No matter how he probed, the old woman kept giving vague answers without any explanation.
“He’s bound to lose his mind, so make sure you stop him from going to the next one.”
“What?”
“Otherwise, you’ll be trapped forever too.”
That was the old woman’s last words. Gyo-ha couldn’t ask anything more. Her steps were so quick that by the time Gyo-ha tried to hold her back, she had already disappeared from sight.
* * *
Memories, no matter how realistic, can never be objective. This is because the human brain likes to exaggerate or minimize personal experiences.
Hwi-kyung was no exception. Happy experiences sometimes turned into insignificant memories, and terrible events faded into the recesses of memory. Forgetfulness was humanity’s greatest blessing.
For instance, Hwi-kyung’s sixth iteration was like that.
An old motel room smelling of dust. Hwi-kyung couldn’t remember what color the wallpaper in that room was. He also couldn’t recall the shape of the light fixture from which he had hung himself with a wire. Hwi-kyung didn’t even know exactly when he had died. He remembered it was March, but couldn’t recall which day.
But now, Jung Hwi-kyung was standing in that motel room of his sixth iteration. The date was March 19th. The time was 6:38 PM. The wallpaper had a tacky floral pattern on a green background, and the light fixture swayed as if it might fall at any moment.
And there stood Hwi-kyung. At the scene of his first suicide attempt. At the definite moment when he had thought it would be better to die.
Why did he want to die so badly? Hwi-kyung asked himself. Six regressions were tiring, but they weren’t just terrible. He did wish for the world to end every time it was time to go to work. But what drove Hwi-kyung to the edge wasn’t the company, but a sense of despair that was hard to explain.
Jung Hwi-kyung thought Kim Ok-ja was dying repeatedly because of him. It wasn’t wrong. Ok-ja’s death repeated every time Hwi-kyung regressed. Moreover, no matter how hard Hwi-kyung tried, he couldn’t fulfill her wishes.
This time was no different. What was so special about that concert? Who was Kim Tae-pung…? His grandmother’s death exhausted Hwi-kyung. He didn’t want to move on to the seventh iteration and experience the same death.
Killing oneself to avoid another’s death. It was cowardly avoidance, but Hwi-kyung at that time had no choice. Hanging himself was scary, and Hwi-kyung struggled until the moment he kicked away the chair he was standing on.
He wanted to live, but at the same time, he hoped for an end. He wanted to escape. Hwi-kyung was too tired, and the world had never flowed according to his will. When he lost everything to rely on, Hwi-kyung began to wander through life like a buoy without purpose in a vast sea.
But there was no end. Despite having hanged himself, Hwi-kyung opened his eyes on the rough motel bedding. He was alive. Because he couldn’t die. After suicide, accidental death, or death from overwork, the system window always made this proposal:
Do you want to regress?
Unless he was forced to regress, Hwi-kyung didn’t bother to choose ‘Y’ to that question. Even if he went back to the beginning, there was no guarantee that there would be an end. Would retirement really be the end of regression? What if he couldn’t die even after working at the company for so long?
What if I’m the only one left alone in this world?
That was a fundamental fear. If the system window allowed infinite regressions, Hwi-kyung could live eternally, whether he wanted to or not. Repeating the same time over and over, he might even develop the knack to do things befitting a true ‘regressor’.
Winning the lottery consecutively, or preemptively buying stocks that would rise… But what meaning would that have? In the end, Ok-ja would die, Hwi-kyung would be alone, and no one except him would remember the moments they had shared.
If forgetfulness is a blessing, then the finite life of humans should also be a blessing. Hwi-kyung became increasingly lonely. Until Gyo-ha appeared, he didn’t even feel alive.
Is this living? Gyo-ha told him not to give up, but Hwi-kyung always wanted to. Grandmother had passed away, so why should I endure more? What meaning is there in living repeatedly like this?
“You won’t die, right?”
Someone asked that. It was a familiar voice. Hwi-kyung lost consciousness once again, with the last sight of the motel room floor collapsing instantly.
When he regained consciousness, Hwi-kyung had returned to his childhood.
Ji-ae, with a clear face, held Hwi-kyung and asked. You won’t die, right? You won’t leave Mom behind, right? Hwi-kyung wanted to grab Ji-ae and say something, but he couldn’t utter a word. He didn’t have the strength, and his whole body ached.
His feverish body could hardly move a finger. There was a ringing in his ears. The whispering sounds were incomprehensible due to his throbbing head.
“You must not die.”
The only words Hwi-kyung could understand were Ji-ae’s voice. Don’t die. You must not die. Ji-ae muttered like a mantra, as if she knew Hwi-kyung would someday hang himself.
Ji-ae’s tears fell on the back of his small hand. Hwi-kyung had never seen Ji-ae cry. At least within the range he could remember, Ji-ae never cried. She wasn’t that kind of person.
But now Ji-ae was crying with a clear face. This couldn’t be Hwi-kyung’s memory. The young Jung Hwi-kyung was in too much pain to notice who was beside him. It’s abnormal for childhood memories to be this vivid.
“Make a vow.”
Ji-ae said.
But the voice wasn’t Ji-ae’s. Hwi-kyung felt nauseous and dizzy. As he raised his body from lying down, the place wasn’t on a bed but inside a car.
Hwi-kyung reached out to a young boy whose face was hard to recognize. Make a vow. Then the boy took Hwi-kyung’s hand and obediently made a vow.
Unlike the clear previous memory, this scene shook endlessly as if the camera had been poorly operated. Hwi-kyung realized that something didn’t want this vow. While his suicidal self and Ji-ae’s face were clearly visible, the face of the boy who made the vow with him was hard to recognize, as if it had been blacked out.
The scene switched again to when Hwi-kyung entered high school. On the table was a cold French toast. Ji-ae says:
“I won.”
But it’s impossible to determine winners and losers in relationships. Everyone is just a loser. Ji-ae announces that it’s time for her to leave. I’m sorry to you. But now, who could blame me?
“I saved you.”
With those words, Hwi-kyung came to his senses. Cold sweat ran down his back. The experience of vividly revisiting a past he couldn’t remember was close to a nightmare.
Do you want to regress?
As if the letters had never been broken, clean Batang font appeared before his eyes. Receiving a regression suggestion soon after waking from a nightmare made him feel sick.
His mouth felt dry, not knowing how long he had been unconscious. Hwi-kyung managed to call a nurse. He calmly received and drank a glass of water, then asked how long he had been lying down.
“You were unconscious for a full day.”
“…All day?”
“Yes.”
“What about my grandmother?”
“Just a moment. I’ll call your guardian.”
Despite trying hard to maintain composure, something kept welling up in his chest. The thought that Ok-ja might have left in the middle of the Kim Tae-pung concert because he had fainted made his head feel like it was about to split.
Why did the fortune-teller grandmother appear at that moment? His self-blame spread like wildfire to others. Why didn’t Lee Gyo-ha tell him about his maternal grandmother?
“You’re awake.”
The guardian the nurse said she would call wasn’t even Ok-ja, but Gyo-ha. Hwi-kyung let out a hollow laugh, not knowing how Gyo-ha, who wasn’t even family, had taken the position of his guardian. Everything felt like a scene from an absurdist play.
