90
Different by at Least an Ant’s Worth
The next day, I received a call from Lee. He told me how badly Yoos was injured and pointed out that I had gone too far. Yet, he didn’t mention anything about me facing disciplinary action or demanding medical expenses.
“That’s a sickness, you know.”
That’s all he said.
“What is?”
Your hatred for Canaris. It’s a sickness at that level.
“I guess you don’t hate Canaris. Isn’t it more strange not to hate those bastards who constantly carry out bomb attacks while living in this country?”
I sincerely think so. How can people in their right minds attack and sacrifice others simply for the sake of their ‘beliefs’, when they’re not even threatening family members’ lives? Is it okay to kill someone just because their beliefs are different? Can you do anything for the sake of your beliefs? By that logic, wouldn’t it be simplest for environmental protection groups to kill everyone? The environment would be protected then.
I once met someone from an environmental protection group for work, and he sincerely despised this logic. He worked risking his life to protect his beliefs and died while still adhering to them. Nature protection is necessary, both for nature and for humans. So humans can compromise. We can move towards a direction that protects nature while being convenient, enduring some discomfort. If humans can acknowledge and coordinate this with each other, we can surely achieve it. That’s what he said and believed until his death. The person who came to claim his remains was his mother, a human rights lawyer. She said about her son, “He was a good person all his life and loved by everyone.” This wasn’t just a mother’s exaggeration. I too had liked that person. He was someone who exerted an overwhelming influence on those around him based on his own goodness, to the extent that our entire team thought about the environment for a while. That’s what it means to adhere to one’s beliefs.
Detonating bombs, killing dozens of passing citizens, causing irreversible damage to parts of their bodies, and then saying “It was unavoidable for our beliefs”? Those bastards who say such things, and those who help them for money or other reasons, they all deserve to die.
I don’t agree with their methods. But those people are also clearly ordinary people. They’re just people who want to enforce certain beliefs, even if through extreme methods.
“Are you saying that the people who died because of them died because they didn’t want to live in an ‘extreme way’? We’ve known each other for how many years, and today I’m hearing the most incomprehensible thing.”
Lee sighed deeply at my words. After a pause, he spoke slowly.
This has nothing to do with Yoos.
He meant to lay this down as a premise.
“Okay, go on.”
As I responded, Lee continued.
Armin, the point is that you need to be able to talk even with the world’s worst criminals to change the situation. Nothing will change if you openly show your hatred, dislike them, and use violence as soon as you see them, like you do. What changes if you catch and kill one or two Canaris? Instead, no matter how ridiculous it is, no matter how infuriating it is, you need to put on a positive face and listen nodding for dozens of hours to open their hearts, and only then can ‘dialogue’ be established and we can move forward. We had to deceive you because of this blatant tendency of yours.
I was speechless for a moment.
I know it’s right. But how can you show respect and listen with a positive face, nodding to someone who set off a bomb in the subway for some nonsensical belief? How on earth?
Lee continued speaking.
And you know, it’s the right thing to say, you might think you’re doing this because you hate Canaris, but that’s not it. You’re doing this because you believe in your overwhelming power. If you didn’t have power, if you were just a passing citizen, could you hate guys like Canaris so openly? You’re doing this because you’re stronger than them and you’re confident. But that’s ultimately the logic of power. Do they change just because you defeat them with power? They just treat those weaker than them the same way. This needs to dig into the fundamentals. And,
Lee’s voice sounded dazed.
I believed I was at least on the right side when I killed people. Whether it was for patriotism or protecting my father, there was a reason. Why kill people without that…
Suddenly, I realized.
Were they also on the ‘right side’ from their perspective?
My mouth opened without me realizing.
“Fundamentally, am I no different from Canaris?”
Why are you saying that?!
Lee shouted, but he couldn’t completely hide the bewilderment in his voice.
It felt like I’d been hit on the back of the head.
“Do you think my hatred and harsh treatment of Canaris is a defense mechanism?”
Lee couldn’t say anything to my words. He’s probably regretting it now. He should have denied it immediately when my question came out. But he couldn’t do that, time passed, and sometimes silence can be an answer to certain questions. Like now.
Your father is a priest, right? You know how well he raised you. You’re a good person. That’s why you’re angry at Canaris. It’s not like that.
Lee belatedly tried to deny it, but his voice lacked strength. Ah, was my hatred for Canaris a defense mechanism for myself, who had killed people as a child soldier and as a Security Bureau agent, making excuses like ‘patriotism’ or ‘family’? Maybe it was. No, it seems right.
I lost the strength to continue the conversation.
“Let’s talk later.”
Hey, I really didn’t mean it like that. No,
I just hung up the phone.
Standing by the window, looking at the spring blossom tree, I thought about it. Did I really hate Canaris as a defense mechanism? After thinking for a while, I checked my watch and an hour had passed.
Ah, I can’t think anymore.
I don’t know. It could be a defense mechanism. And it’s not like I did the right thing going around killing people. It’s true that I use violence easily. I show hatred easily because I’m strong? That’s probably true too. But is that really wrong? I’m not sure about this part. Should I hide my strength just to show an equal appearance to guys like Canaris?
When I can’t reach a conclusion, I can always go to my know-it-all.
“Are you busy?”
Sebastian, who was in a meeting with several people in the study, saw my face and said, “Shall we take a 30-minute break and continue?” as he stood up. His behavior is so elegant. It’s actually no different from an announcement saying “30-minute break!” but when Sebastian says it, it sounds much softer.
He looked at my face and took me to the daybed set up next to the study.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Why does your face look like that?”
“Well…”
I tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out again. I don’t know where to start. My past? Lee’s story? It’s really awkward to talk about, so I mumbled, “No, it’s nothing,” and Sebastian nodded.
“Let me hear it and judge whether it’s nothing or not.”
A lover is really a great existence. How wonderful is it to have someone who thinks your gloomy face is the biggest issue in the world? But when it comes to actually talking about it, it seems like such a trivial story…
Maybe that’s why I was all over the place while talking. The chronological order was a mess too, but Sebastian occasionally pointed out confusing parts and asked questions to follow the context of my story. And finally, he realized the point of my concern and snorted.
“Everyone has a past.”
Sebastian gently stroked my hair.
“You do, I do. It’s nonsense to shake off the past. We’ve come to the present through that past. We might be able to overcome the past. But personally, I think to overcome the past, you need a trigger as much as the will to overcome it. You didn’t have a trigger, did you? They used you thoroughly as a human weapon because of that past, and now they point out that you’re showing off your power? That’s too shameless. If they were going to say such things, they shouldn’t have hired you in the first place. It was the Security Bureau that used your power, attaching all sorts of assistants to you, and Lee Martin contributed to that. I hear he’s been unofficially appointed as the head of Department 1. That means Martin must have worked quite significantly in Department 1. Of course, Lee Martin is among those who used your abilities.”
Sebastian shook his head, saying that those who benefited, directly or indirectly, shouldn’t say such things.
“If you were the same as Canaris, you should have been twisted because of your unfortunate past. Instead of killing people for patriotism, you should have been killing for money, selling drugs and humans, and wielding violence. It was you who said that Canaris guys don’t move for ‘beliefs’. You said it yourself. That they robbed banks in Maderke.”
I nodded. Then Sebastian patted the back of my hand.
“I looked into that a bit. Two branches of Riegel Bank in Maderke were robbed. There was one common point. Maderke has long been a famous commercial city, and because so much money circulated and there were many rich people, it became an administrative city during the Blaiberg era. There were two medieval banks there. Both are now Riegel Banks, but being medieval banks, they had some valuable items. For example, paintings by Silich.”
Isn’t Silich a really famous person? The greatest painter born in Rotman, whose paintings are worth hundreds of millions of Lid each. Why are those paintings there? As I looked dumbfounded, Sebastian laughed.
“Silich was poor. So he pawned his paintings to borrow money from the banks but never managed to reclaim them. He evenly distributed his paintings to two banks. We considered disposing of those paintings too, but left them as they were because they’re the pride of Maderke. But they stole those paintings. They didn’t touch the replicas on display and only took the originals in the vault. The fact that the originals were kept in the vault was confidential. It was easy to narrow down because few people knew about it. It turned out that one of the two branch managers had provided the information. They caused the Maderke riots to steal both money and paintings. Don’t say you’re the same as those guys.”
Maybe we are the same, but Sebastian would surely find a difference. He would find even an ant-sized difference and tell me over and over that I’m different from the villains. Then I really become different. So.
Now it doesn’t matter anymore.
Just as I thought that, Nakaban shouted.
“Mr. Riegel! The Security Bureau has made a move!”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
