# Chapter 12
After having lunch at the seafood restaurant, the two packed their few belongings and prepared to return home. While Mugyeong was putting the bags in the car trunk, Haeseung was on the side, kicking and destroying a snowman. It happened to be Mugyeong’s snowman, which made him feel as if he himself was being harmed. Mugyeong asked in surprise:
“What are you doing?”
“It feels bad when someone else ruins it, right? Better if I take care of it before we leave.”
“Just leave it. Who says anyone’s going to ruin it?”
Haeseung, who had been about to strike a powerful kick to destroy the remaining snowman as well, finally put his foot down on the ground and walked toward the car.
“I’ve got a really bad feeling about this,” Haeseung muttered to himself with an expression like he had indigestion.
“About what?”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have made them in the first place.”
Mugyeong could guess why Haeseung was acting this way. He was anxious about returning to Seoul on the dangerous icy roads.
Once Haeseung harbored anxiety, he tended to assign great significance to trivial matters. Though not usually overly superstitious, he held the principle that it was better to avoid unlucky things. Mugyeong suspected this might be due to the fire accident Haeseung had experienced as a child, making him occasionally hypersensitive.
Moreover, when seeds of anxiety bore bad results, Haeseung would unconditionally blame himself. Even for things that were clearly not his fault, Haeseung would torment himself in this way. Because he did something, or because he didn’t do anything, bad things happened—that’s how he thought.
If they had a traffic accident on their way back, Haeseung would certainly oscillate between blaming himself for destroying the snowman or for not completely destroying the other one.
“I’ll ask the owner to take care of it. I’ll tell him to watch over the snowman. Better now?”
Mugyeong started the engine and went into the seafood restaurant to say final goodbyes to the owner. Haeseung, who followed in later, also politely thanked him for their stay.
The two got in the car. As the chilly cold dissipated, the heater’s warm air heated the interior. Mugyeong wasn’t sure how Haeseung felt, but he was a bit reluctant to leave. He wanted to enjoy just one more day alone with Haeseung.
Driving in the snow wasn’t as dangerous as they had worried. Before long, Haeseung relaxed and volunteered as DJ, selecting pleasant music.
“I think I’ll get my driver’s license before starting college.”
“Do you want to drive?”
“Even if I get a license, I can’t drive without a car. But I was thinking I should get it in advance in case I want to be a driver in the military instead of just doing endless digging as an infantryman. If I get assigned to some mountain valley in Gangwon Province, I’d have to clear all this terrifying snow myself. In those mountain valleys, they say the snow never melts until August, and then starts falling again in September. It’s practically permanent snow cover.”
“Hey, Gangwon Province is still part of South Korea. Don’t say stuff like that to others. You’ll sound ignorant.”
“It’s true! That hyung who lived in a rooftop apartment told me so.”
“That hyung was the one doing multi-level marketing. Every time he opened his mouth, it was all lies. Back then, my voice was changing—ah, this is embarrassing all over again. You and I aren’t so different.”
Mugyeong had secured military exemption by winning a gold medal. So he felt sorry that he couldn’t share Haeseung’s concerns about military service. Honestly, he was also worried about sexual harassment in the military. Having heard terrible stories about senior soldiers making good-looking new recruits sleep beside them, he was very troubled and considering voluntary enlistment. In a way, enlisting together with Haeseung would have more advantages since they could stay in the same barracks until discharge.
Haeseung had never once said, even jokingly, that Mugyeong was lucky to be exempt. Despite it being a condition any man would envy, he showed little sign of it. He seemed to accept it naturally as a benefit Mugyeong had earned through bloody effort.
“I wonder how that hyung is doing now.”
“He didn’t seem like the type to starve even if dropped on a deserted island.”
“He kept hitting on my noona so much.”
“Well, Haeju noona is very pretty.”
“Is my noona pretty?”
“She’s a great beauty.”
Without even seeing him directly, Mugyeong could clearly picture what expression Haeseung was making. Growing up being hit by his sister every few days, there was no way Haeseung would see his sister’s face as pretty. Moreover, being blood siblings, it would be difficult to apply not just subjective but even objective standards of beauty. For that reason, Haeseung’s mind must be quite complex right now.
“My noona always reeks of alcohol. Even the day before yesterday, she came home crawling on all fours.”
“That’s normal for college students.”
“Will we end up like that too?”
“Don’t go around drinking.”
“Why?”
Mugyeong didn’t answer. Haeseung didn’t press further. Perhaps he belatedly realized their current situation. Mugyeong was very concerned about how Haeseung would take his subtle constraint. Was he possibly upset? But Mugyeong had no desire to take back what he’d said.
“Let’s eat something delicious when we get to Seoul.”
“…”
When there was no response from Haeseung, Mugyeong suddenly felt afraid. Instead of directly asking “Are you angry?”, he asked in a roundabout way:
“What are you thinking about?”
“I was wondering if it’s possible between two men.”
Mugyeong immediately understood what “it” was that Haeseung was referring to, and it felt like his heart dropped to the bottom.
“Why are you thinking about that?”
“You must have thought about it a lot.”
“Well, I guess I have.”
“Do you think it’s possible?”
“Can we talk about something else? That would be better.”
Seeing Mugyeong squirm, Haeseung burst into small laughter. The intensity of a shock is usually inversely proportional to the passage of time. Once the initial shock subsided, he had reached the stage where he could make light of the current situation. Above all, because they had been friends for 15 years, things didn’t easily become awkward between them.
“I think oral might be possible.”
Blood rushed to Mugyeong’s center as soon as he imagined Haeseung’s face taking his manhood into his mouth.
“Lee Haeseung, stop it. You talk big but probably wouldn’t actually do it.”
Perhaps because Mugyeong’s voice came out somewhat roughly, Haeseung glanced at him cautiously.
“Are you angry?”
“…”
“I was just joking.”
“It’s not funny at all. And who asked you to be funny?”
Mugyeong snapped sharply and immediately regretted it. Due to the sensitivity in his body’s core, his words had become sensitive too. It was also true that he felt hurt because Haeseung kept pushing his feelings toward physical desire. Just as he was looking for the right timing to apologize, he heard Haeseung’s deflated voice.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, well…”
“Your words about wanting to hold me won’t leave my head. I think I’m not in my right mind because of the shock. Please forget what I just said. It was a slip of the tongue. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m more sorry.”
“Can’t we just say I’m more sorry? I apologized first this time.”
“Okay.”
Haeseung listened to the music with a more relaxed expression. It was a ballad that had been released before either Mugyeong or Haeseung was born, but after coming across it by chance one day, it became a favorite song for both of them. A drowsy air enveloped the car. Haeseung turned off the heater, either because he was sleepy or because he was worried about Mugyeong’s drowsy driving.
“You can sleep if you’re tired.”
“No, just let me open the window for 30 seconds.”
Haeseung lowered the passenger window about a third of the way. Cold wind drove out the warm air that had been heated by the heater and took its place. Not long after closing the window, Haeseung called Mugyeong’s name in a low voice.
“Kang Mugyeong.”
“Yeah?”
“I want to remain friends with you forever, until we die. I don’t want to lose you.”
Haeseung’s desperation reached Mugyeong’s heart and beyond, but Mugyeong pretended not to understand. Mugyeong also didn’t want to lose Haeseung. But he didn’t want to remain friends. Nor could he. The trigger had already been pulled, and the fired bullet could only either hit the target or miss it.
“I’m sorry.”
“This is really an impossible situation. How can it be you and me? Do you think it makes sense?”
“I also think it’s impossible. If I thought it made sense, would I have hidden it from you for so many years?”
“Right? It doesn’t make sense, does it?”
Haeseung asked again, brightening up.
“But I’m going to make it make sense, from now on. I’m going to try.”
The bullet hadn’t hit the target. But it hadn’t missed it either. Mugyeong recognized that now—well, at least for now—it was just the process of tracking the bullet between the shooter and the target.
Haeseung said nothing more and turned his head toward the car window. A heavy, stifling silence continued. Mugyeong tried to think of a way to break the silence.
Approaching a sharp curve, a car suddenly emerged from the opposite direction. Mugyeong reflexively reduced speed. The oncoming car had already lost its braking power due to the slippery snow and was approaching quickly while crossing the center line.
“Huh? Mugyeong, in front! Car!”
Haeseung’s panicked voice broke the silence in the car. Though Mugyeong had been hoping for the stifling silence to be broken, this was definitely not the way he wanted it to happen.
He needed to stay calm, but his hands trembled on the steering wheel due to the snowballing fear. There was neither time nor method to avoid the car coming in the wrong direction. Mugyeong’s mind was already envisioning a horrific scenario, and he instinctively sensed that this imagination would become reality in a few seconds. He wasn’t giving up preemptively. There was simply no way to avoid the collision.
If he turned the steering wheel to the right, they would hit the rock wall and flip over; if he turned left, the oncoming car would crash heavily into the passenger side, or their car might slide through the guardrail and roll down the cliff—either calculation was desperate. Ultimately, no matter which way he turned the wheel, Haeseung would definitely be seriously injured or, in the worst case, might die.
In the end, Mugyeong didn’t turn the wheel but applied the brakes for a long time. It was the best choice he could make in that split second, but it was followed by a sense of helplessness that he couldn’t perfectly protect Haeseung. Cruelly, the oncoming car continued to charge at high speed. Now, all Mugyeong could hope was that the airbag would do its job well so that Haeseung would be less injured.
With Haeseung’s scream, a tremendous impact hit Mugyeong’s body. Mugyeong lost consciousness without even lasting one second. Because of this, he couldn’t even confirm whether Haeseung’s airbag had properly deployed.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
