I didn’t need to think deeply to understand what he meant by turning off the light. Despite my protest, the man walked over and turned off the light in the room. The bright world turned into pitch-black darkness, as if the light had never existed. The sharp edge I had directed at him crumbled helplessly.
I called out to the man standing in the darkness in a hoarse voice.
“Hey.”
“…….”
“Hey, turn it back on. Why, why, why are you doing this?”
As I fumbled for words, begging him, I blinked, not understanding why I was so fixated on the light. I had only seen it for about an hour, but my body had already grown accustomed to it. The thought of being locked in this pitch-black darkness all day again made cold sweat break out all over my body.
I realized, belatedly, what light meant to me now and muttered like a madman.
“I’m scared. Turn it on. Turn it on. I’m sorry. Please turn on the light.”
“…….”
“Are you listening? Hey, I’m scared. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore. Can’t you make an exception just once? Hmm?”
“…….”
“Did you leave? You left me tied up? You left me tied up in the dark?”
“I didn’t leave.”
“…….”
I panted, looking around to find where the man’s voice was coming from. He seemed to still be standing by the door. I struggled to control my increasingly rough breathing. Maybe because the oxygen supply wasn’t proper, my head started to spin. The stench of semen, which had seemed to fade while the light was on and the room was clean, began to waft strongly again.
By the time my whole body was trembling and occasional spasms set in, I had forgotten the man was even there. I rubbed my head against the pillow and let out a low groan. It was too much. Too hard. Every second felt like an hour. I whimpered in fear, “Ugh, ugh.”
The man, who had been calmly watching me go mad, spoke.
“Should I turn the light back on?”
“……Turn it on. Turn it on……. Please…….”
“If you say no, I’ll turn it off again.”
“I got it……. I got it, okay!”
As soon as I screamed my answer, the light came back on. The bulb, shining so brightly it seemed to pierce my corneas, made my pounding heart stop. The stench that had been stinging my nose also faded sharply. The chilly room felt warm again.
Cold sweat ran down my forehead, soaking the pillow. The extreme anxiety, unease, and precariousness returned to normal, and the tension drained from my body. I slumped, as if entering a coma. My half-closed, heavy eyes took a deep breath, and the man’s hand covered my forehead.
“Sleep more if you’re tired.”
“……You……. What have you done to me…….”
“Shhh…….”
As the man whispered, placing his index finger over his lips, my eyes strangely began to close. What had he done to me? Why was I like this? I had so many questions for him, but my lips, which had opened to speak to him, closed again. As if hypnotized, I was forcibly pulled into a deep sleep.
I don’t know how long I slept. The room was still bright. I didn’t remember when I had fallen asleep. The moment I woke up, I looked around in a panic. The man was gone. My arms were still tied to the bed. I tried to move them by pulling the tight rubber band, then gave up.
My head ached as if I had a cold. I closed my eyes, thinking I wanted to take some painkillers. Then I slept for a few more hours. There was no clock in the room, so I couldn’t tell how long I had slept, and when I opened my eyes again, the man seemed to have returned.
I was looking at a dark-colored bag in the corner of the room. The door opened, and the man came in. In his hand was a plastic bowl containing porridge, and in his other hand was a mug of hot cocoa. It was only then that I realized I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything all day. My dry lips parted.
“Do you want to drink the cocoa before eating the porridge?”
“……Yeah.”
I answered obediently.
Before I lost consciousness, the “punishment” was being left in the darkness again. It was different from when I had obeyed him out of pain or fear of being hit. The pain ended with the hitting, but being left in the darkness filled me with a terrifying sense of impending madness. The chilling scent of death that filled the air the moment the light went out was horrifying.
The man loosened the ropes binding my arms, helped me sit up, and brought the cocoa to my lips. I looked down at the cocoa in front of me and asked in a half-asleep voice,
“Untie my hands.”
“No.”
“I want to eat it myself…….”
“Then promise you won’t hurt yourself.”
“I promise.”
“…….”
When I agreed readily, the man tilted his head and stared at me. My answer wasn’t a lie. I had no intention of self-harm; I had only scratched and bitten myself to get rid of the stench from my body. I hadn’t expected him to listen to me, but surprisingly, without much hesitation, he immediately untied the rope around my hands. As soon as my hands were free, I placed them on the stifling bandages wrapped around my arms, feeling a bit uneasy at how easily I had gotten what I wanted.
At that moment, my bandaged arm was grabbed tightly. The pain was so sharp I winced. “This isn’t allowed. It hasn’t healed yet.”
“Can I take it off when it heals?”
His expression became strange, as if he were suspicious of me. But then, as if he had reached some conclusion, he answered in a very gentle voice.
“……If you behave, you can do whatever you want.”
This attitude. It was a little…… I looked at him with a strange expression, now that he had softened.
The man handed me the cocoa. I took the cocoa he offered and sipped it slowly. The headache that had been throbbing as if I had a cold seemed to clear up a bit. After finishing the cocoa, I handed the empty cup back to the man. He examined the mug that had held the cocoa, then scooped up some porridge, blew on it, and brought it to my mouth. I licked the food off the spoon and tasted it, then swallowed it while watching the man’s reaction.
I had been sensing something off about the man’s attitude ever since I was imprisoned. Now, I might finally understand what that was. It had been obscured by fear. Even though I had thought he was the stalker, I hadn’t wanted to admit it. The man’s anger at being rejected, yet feeding me, putting me to sleep, dressing me, and not letting me become cheap—it was all there. The veil of fear was torn away. What he wanted was Baek Siwoo. He said my name. Not hatred, but affection. His actions were underpinned by affection.
[I love you.]
“Ugh—.”
Suddenly, my head hurt as if it were splitting open. It felt like someone was drilling into the center of my forehead, grabbing my brain, and shaking it. My vision expanded, then swirled and churned. I was dizzy. I squinted and groaned softly, clutching my forehead and curling up. The man grabbed my shoulder and asked worriedly,
“Are you okay, Siwoo?”
“My head……. Ugh—. My head hurts.”
“Shhh……. Stay still. It’ll be okay.”
When the man said it would be okay, the pain in my head miraculously subsided, as if cold water had been poured over it.
***
As the midterm evaluation approached, I spent more time with Hae-joon sunbae. Even though he could have done most of the assignments alone, he kept calling me when it was time to work on them. I missed the time I could spend playing basketball, but lately, I had been feeling uneasy about the thought that Jin-wook might be the stalker. So, I decided to spend the time I would have spent at the club on assignments with Hae-joon sunbae. For two weeks, I focused on the assignment, ate with him, and attended classes with him.
With half-lidded eyes, I looked at Hae-joon sunbae, who was giving a presentation. From this angle, he really was strikingly handsome. If it weren’t for his prickly personality and poor social skills, his looks alone wouldn’t have spread rumors so easily. Well, he had recklessly kissed someone at school, so maybe others had seen it besides me.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
