Chapter 85
Taking one more drag from the shortened cigarette, I stubbed it out in the ashtray, twisting its neck, and spoke in a rapid tone.
“The broadcasting station isn’t owned by Hanseo Group, but there are about three affiliates placing ads in the Wednesday-Thursday drama currently airing.”
He let out a deep sigh as if trying to expel all the air from his lungs.
“Setting aside the Knox advertisement… isn’t <Eternal Night> a case of looking for the wrong person to blame? Or… are you using it as an excuse to cut me off?”
When I looked back, his face was staring right through me.
I fiddled with the cigarette pack, thoroughly acting emotionless to avoid letting him catch any lingering feelings.
“I’m not trying to argue whether Lee Han-ssi used his influence or not. If Lee Han-ssi himself says he didn’t, I have no intention of doubting that. But…”
“……”
“I don’t have confidence for the future. People who should know will all learn about our relationship, and if people who don’t want to offend Lee Han-ssi’s mood start treating me preferentially on their own?”
“……”
“Whatever results I achieve, I might not be able to completely erase Lee Han-ssi’s shadow from them and continue harboring doubts. While questioning whether this is really a career I’ve built entirely with my own strength, distance will gradually grow from within. I don’t want to… become ugly like that.”
Like people do when they’re so absurd they let out a hollow laugh, he rubbed his jaw widely and clicked his tongue several times in a cold laugh. His gaze scattered wildly in all directions.
“That I’m Lee Hancheoeum. That my father is Chairman Lee Wooyeol. Things that happen because people read my mood even when I do nothing… now even that becomes my responsibility.”
With his head bowed, looking down somewhere on the center console, disheveled hair fell over his forehead. He swept it back with an irritated gesture and lifted his face.
“You’re sure it’s because you hate being misunderstood and talked about like that? There isn’t some other reason?”
It was a voice that seemed to suppress the urge to sneer even harder. His eyes were flashing.
Could he already know the whole story? For a moment my hair stood on end, but that couldn’t be. It was likely bait thrown to examine my reaction, asking if there might be another reason.
Fortunately, I was more accustomed to restraining and hiding emotions than honestly revealing them.
“I’m attracted to Lee Han-ssi, and the memories are precious too. I won’t deny that. It’s just… I’m someone who feels particularly burdened by this kind of relationship. Changing myself isn’t easy. I’ve thought about it a lot… but what can I do about something that won’t change even when I want it to.”
So it wouldn’t sound too absurd, while acknowledging part of my feelings for him.
As if I too regretted the twisted relationship, but the burden was greater than that, so it was a decision I had to make.
That way it would sound more… plausible, and I could convince him. Since I couldn’t tell him the truth.
I put down the cigarette pack I’d been scratching at the edges with my thumb next to the lighter on the dashboard and looked for the water bottle. I needed more alcohol. Even though I’d drunk quite a bit at the karaoke, the alcohol wasn’t numbing my emotions at all.
I drained the water like drinking alcohol, closed the cap, and delivered my closing statement.
“It’ll be difficult but… please accept my decision. It seems like… I’m just not going to change as a person.”
I looked back at him again.
Unlike before, his face had settled into calm composure. From his expressionless face that had erased all laughter, playfulness, desperation, and regret, I could almost feel Lee Seogyeong’s characteristic coldness.
But it was probably just my imagination.
I’d never had such thoughts before learning he was Lee Seogyeong’s younger brother.
I judged that he had accepted my decision, having hardened like a rock showing no further agitation.
I put the water bottle down in the cup holder. I suppressed my voice as much as possible so it wouldn’t tremble.
“It was… nice to meet again, even briefly. Well then.”
I hurriedly got out of the car. The diagonal rain struck my face and body. Thanks to him stopping the car at the foot of the slope, it was quick to reach the lodging. Getting a bit wet from rain didn’t matter at all.
The day he had first driven me to the lodging.
Just as I was about to turn into the alley where the three of us—Hyunsoo who was going out and us—had met, I heard the sound of a car door opening and closing forcefully behind me. Even while hearing footsteps splashing water as they approached, I couldn’t turn around. With my arms firmly crossed, I just quickened my pace around the corner. The footsteps soon caught up right behind me.
First, the rain stopped above my head. Then my shoulder was firmly grabbed. I expected my body to be turned around the next moment, but instead of turning me around, he stood facing me.
A large umbrella, somewhat exaggeratedly close to a parasol, was in his hand.
“Are you serious? Ending it like this?”
The face that had been hard as a rock just moments ago was now revealing the emotions within that rigid surface.
“Let’s talk a little more. Not like this…”
While wiping his face that had gotten soaked while chasing me, he shook his head. Then he carefully grabbed my arm. It was difficult to face him as he came half a step closer, so I lowered my gaze.
“Should we go inside and talk? I seem too fine… so hyung doesn’t seem to know my current state well. If you knew what my insides are really like, you couldn’t do something this cruel.”
I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or to himself. He kept shaking his head and muttering.
He had a somewhat unreasonable side, but said he endured it because he didn’t want me to dislike him.
Even in the car just now, he probably struggled to respond as rationally as possible. Not to preserve his pride at the moment of separation, but to avoid unintentionally hurting me. What kind of shock and pain would my past bring to such a person…
I avoided his eyes, and he bent down, trying to meet my gaze as he came another half step closer.
“You said you were sorry you couldn’t send emails… hyung, you cried. It was already seven years ago, and we only spent a few days together seven years ago. You wouldn’t show that kind of reaction over simple good feelings. As much as I waited for emails… hyung actually wanted to send them too. How could such a person… say let’s end it like this. Right? You said it impulsively, didn’t you?”
His hand that had been gripping my arm moved up to my shoulder. The large hand soon wrapped around my neck. His hand was wet. His thumb stroked the lower part of my cheek.
“You let me into your house back then too. Please do the same this time.”
It was a whisper filled with desperate plea.
If I let him into my room, what came next was obvious. Alone together in a space where we could easily reach out to each other, easily touch each other… emotions would simply overwhelm reason.
Then, embracing each other and pressing lips together, we’d numb anxieties and fears about the future with the sense of belonging connected through hugs, kisses, and intimate places. Anxiety was invisible vagueness, while the body that could be touched and kissed right now was a much clearer reality.
That was why couples who used sex as a tool for reconciliation had predictable results. Nothing was fundamentally resolved, but problems were covered with the intimacy of bare skin touching.
However, at this moment, I felt a strong impulse to surrender myself to that shallow deception. As he said, I had wanted to send emails, and my true feelings didn’t want to let him go.
I gripped his wrist and firmly pulled it down. At least I tried to be firm.
“I don’t want to… get swept up in emotions and just gloss over things like that. However long we might be able to meet that way… I know myself. I’ll definitely be overwhelmed and find it burdensome someday. Rather than that, even if it’s a bit painful and difficult, wouldn’t it be better to… tie up the loose ends here and now?”
He didn’t answer. There was only the sound of rain drumming as if to tear the umbrella’s canopy.
I fixed my gaze on his right hand that I had pulled down, hanging powerlessly in the air. Like when reviewing whether I’d memorized lines properly, I moved only my lips without emotion and spoke.
“I know that if I truly refuse, even if Lee Han-ssi can’t understand it, you’ll accept it. Knowing that and trying to end things this way… I’m really, sorry.”
His right hand in my field of vision curled into a ball. Clenching his fist so tightly his knuckles turned white, he let out a hollow laugh above my head.
“Meeting again, I thought I’d really caught hyung’s interest this time. So honestly, I was quite excited. But… this time wasn’t it either.”
“……”
“I can’t give up for any reason, but hyung always has reasons to turn away from me. You say you’re interested and attracted, but it’s just… just that much…”
A bitter, mocking laugh followed. His ribcage expanded greatly. With a sigh mixed with resignation, he added:
“The sizes of our hearts are different, that… how could I force that.”
Recognizing that the breath touching my forehead and cheek might be the last, my heartbeat quickened. To avoid saying nonsense that would topple the carefully built tower, I had no choice but to bite my lips tightly and grip my arms even tighter.
His hand grabbed my wrist and pulled it up. Then he made me grip the umbrella handle. The face I unknowingly looked up at was wet.
Because he’d run through the rain.
“……”
Before I could say anything in refusal, he left me the umbrella and departed.
With each step he took away, it felt like the ground connecting us crumbled endlessly into unfathomable darkness.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
