Chapter 78
The sun set early in winter. Si-yul held out until dusk before returning home. Sighing repeatedly, he leaned his forehead against the front door, delaying by slumping down. Only after the security guard cleared his throat to urge him did he reluctantly enter the house.
The air inside was cool. Si-yul started to turn on the boiler but hesitated and lowered his hand. He didn’t want to. Everything felt bothersome. He just wanted to sit blankly, to sleep, and sometimes even opening his eyes irritated him. Lately, he would linger in bed every morning regardless of whether Hyun-se left for work, only emerging from his room after hearing the front door close.
Si-yul washed up quickly and returned to his room, lying down on the bed. Even under the blanket, there was no warmth. Still, he stubbornly refused to turn on the boiler and curled up. Perhaps due to walking a lot after a long time, his eyelids felt heavy and his whole body seemed to be sinking into the bed.
He dozed off briefly but opened his bleary eyes to a familiar noise. The sound of the front door opening was heavy. Hyun-se would know he was home since he’d seen his shoes, but Si-yul didn’t want to go out wagging his tail like before. Si-yul closed his eyes, pretending not to have heard anything. However, the presence of another person prevented him from falling asleep.
As he tossed and turned, he flinched at the sound of his room door opening and quickly turned to face the wall. Although he had resigned himself to staying at Hyun-se’s house, he didn’t want to face the owner if he could help it.
A shadow fell over his pillow. Hyun-se had been sighing a lot lately. Was work difficult? Si-yul didn’t understand why he was sighing so heavily even though Si-yul had said he would quietly stay at home. Perhaps, on the contrary, it was because Si-yul was thoughtlessly staying cooped up in the house. Maybe he should have left on his own, instead of giving up early and rolling around like dust in Hyun-se’s house.
Would his brow be furrowed? He used to press his fingers against those wrinkles to smooth them out. Even now, his fingertips tingled with the desire to do so.
One side of the bed sank heavily. Despite the obvious meaning behind Si-yul turning his back, Hyun-se ignored the silent rebellion and reached out to brush Si-yul’s hair. His hand was warm. On Si-yul’s body, which remained cool even buried under the blanket, warmth lingered only where Hyun-se’s hand touched.
“Dinner?”
He asked as if he obviously knew Si-yul was awake. All day, Si-yul had only had one vending machine coffee and a convenience store triangle kimbap. He hadn’t wanted to eat at all due to lack of appetite, but forced himself to eat something for the sake of the security guard following him around. Even then, he left more than half uneaten.
Si-yul hoped Hyun-se would think he was sleeping and leave, but Hyun-se kept fiddling with Si-yul’s hair and face. If he pushed the hand away, Hyun-se would know he was awake, but if he didn’t, the lingering touch was irritating. Si-yul squeezed his eyes shut, then grabbed Hyun-se’s hand and pushed it away.
“I’m not hun-”
Before he could finish speaking, his stomach growled loudly. Si-yul clutched his stomach resentfully, which had rudely interrupted the atmosphere with its loud rumbling. Even when he squeezed it tightly, it traitorously growled once more. In the darkness, Si-yul’s cheeks burned red.
“Come out. I bought a boxed meal.”
“I don’t want to eat. I’m really not hungry. It’s just making noise.”
“Don’t be stubborn.”
“I don’t want to…”
“Do I need to tie you up and feed you?”
Hyun-se was the type to follow through on his words. Si-yul had learned this firsthand. Since he couldn’t possibly end up with his wrists tied to the bed and a spoon shoved in his mouth, Si-yul slowly got up from the bed. The air outside the blanket was much colder. He shivered, his shoulders trembling.
Hyun-se wrapped the blanket around Si-yul. After carefully bundling him up to the front, Hyun-se stood up. Leaving instructions to wait, he turned up the boiler temperature as high as it would go before leaving.
Hyun-se quickly returned with a tray in his hands. A large boxed meal was placed on the round table. When he opened the lid, luxurious side dishes filled each compartment. There was abalone grilled golden brown with butter, bulgogi stir-fried with shiitake mushrooms and julienned carrots, rice cooked with black rice, seaweed soup filled with mussels, and the lower compartment was packed with seasonal fruits and sweet desserts.
It was a meal that could stimulate appetite both visually and by smell. However, Si-yul stared blankly at the feast before him as if it were a model display. His stomach had growled, so he was clearly hungry, but even looking at the glistening food didn’t stimulate his appetite.
“Can’t I not eat?”
It didn’t seem like he’d be able to digest it even if he tried. He dawdled inside the blanket, not taking his hands out. Hyun-se quietly watched Si-yul’s fussing, then suddenly lifted him, blanket and all, and sat him between his legs.
Hyun-se personally scooped up rice and placed side dishes on top. Like feeding a picky child, he carefully brought a spoonful to Si-yul’s mouth.
Remembering the threat of being tied up and force-fed, Si-yul parted his lips. The mounded spoonful of rice entered his mouth. He chewed slowly, but it felt like grains of sand rolling on his tongue, making it difficult to swallow.
“You’re eating well.”
The rice that had been packed tightly in the container slowly emptied. The side dishes also diminished bit by bit. Si-yul forcibly chewed and swallowed the dry grains of rice.
If only he weren’t so kind.
If he had been cold, Si-yul could have accepted it sadly, thinking “that’s just how it is.”
If he had harshly pushed Si-yul away, Si-yul could have cursed him as a bastard and forgotten about him, even while crying.
Hyun-se’s body heat was warmer than the blanket. Like all those who have only lived in cold places and then find a warm fire, Si-yul didn’t want to leave this embrace.
Why wasn’t Hyun-se as cold as his scent?
Why did he keep providing a campfire to Si-yul’s winter-like life?
His throat was choking up, but the spoon kept coming. Until all the rice was gone, Si-yul didn’t move a finger. He sat obediently between Hyun-se’s legs and cleanly swallowed every spoonful of food he was fed. And along with it, he swallowed his emotions.
In the end, he got indigestion. His face turned pale and breathing became difficult. Only after clutching the toilet and throwing up what he had eaten did his stomach settle. Despite forcing the food into him, Hyun-se showed no sign of remorse as he patted Si-yul’s back firmly and even bathed him in warm water.
Exhausted, Si-yul lay down on the bed. Hyun-se lay down with him, embracing him from behind. Instead of telling him to go away, Si-yul wiggled his toes. The room, now warmed up, was comfortably warm even to be alone in, but Si-yul didn’t want to lose Hyun-se’s body heat.
His feelings were truly contradictory. He didn’t want to be together, but he disliked separating even more. He didn’t know how to define such emotions.
He suddenly remembered the conversation he had with the security guard in the park. Si-yul was facing the wall. Not looking at Hyun-se’s face gave him the courage to ask.
“…Your fiancée. What kind of person is she?”
The hand that had been fiddling with Si-yul’s fingers suddenly stopped. Hyun-se raised his upper body slightly and looked down at him. Si-yul still kept his gaze fixed on the wall.
“Why do you ask?”
“I’m curious. Since she’s marrying you…”
Hyun-se rested his head back on the pillow. He hugged Si-yul closer and buried his lips in the nape of his neck. As he kissed his way up Si-yul’s neckline, Si-yul twisted his shoulders. Unlike before, he didn’t laugh saying it tickled.
“I don’t know.”
“But she’s the person you’re going to marry.”
“There’s no need to know.”
“You mean me?”
“Me either.”
“Isn’t that too indifferent towards the person who’ll be your wife?”
“Knowing her name and affiliation is all I need to know.”
He seemed displeased by Si-yul’s interest. But Si-yul couldn’t stop asking. He was curious about how Hyun-se saw that person. Whether there was even a slight fondness.
“I heard she’s a lawyer.”
“Where did you hear that?”
“I overheard. That she’s kind and good at her job.”
“…”
“She seemed beautiful.”
Hyun-se raised his head again. He propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand. Si-yul’s cheeks stung from the intense gaze looking down at him.
“What kind of answer is Kwon Si-yul hoping to hear?”
“I’m just curious, that’s all.”
Hyun-se hummed, then tickled Si-yul’s cheek with his fingertip. Si-yul wanted to brush it away but endured. He felt that Hyun-se might answer if he did.
“Her name is Seo-hee. A lawyer at Yusong Law Firm and a Wosung omega. She also has a lover, and she gave that lover an officetel as a wedding gift. We agreed not to interfere in each other’s private lives.”
He spoke as if listing information about a stranger he had never even brushed sleeves with, not his fiancée. There wasn’t a trace of affection in his voice. Si-yul felt another wave of self-contempt for feeling relieved at this.
Even so, it didn’t change the fact that someone new would be taking a place by Hyun-se’s side, yet Si-yul was harboring futile hope again. At least Hyun-se didn’t seem to have any fondness for that person.
“So don’t worry about it. You just stay here like you are now. In our home.”
Waiting for Hyun-se to return from work, wondering when Hyun-se, who had built a nest with his wife, would come, warming the entrance like a dog. Still comforting himself with all the delusions a mistress might have, believing that he held Hyun-se’s heart.
“Kwon Yuwon is still alive and well. It will be over soon.”
Si-yul, who had been facing the wall, turned his head for the first time. Hyun-se cupped Si-yul’s cheek with his palm. He kissed his lips but didn’t delve deeper.
“When?”
“Soon.”
He didn’t know the exact timing. But Si-yul sensed that the end of this unfunny farce was not far off. A faint smile tried to emerge, but his lips twisted imperceptibly before returning to their original position.
