Chapter 92
Si-yul placed the backpack near the entrance. The small backpack was bulging as if it might burst at any moment. Si-yul glanced towards the study. For a moment, he felt the urge to take the wedding invitation. But what use would it be to take something without a proper date written on it? He hoped Hyun-se would deliver it personally later. That way, he could see him at least twice more under that pretext.
He took out the box from the shopping bag and placed it on the living room table. He had asked them to be careful, and they had even tied a red ribbon on top of the box. It was a perfect gift to give to Hyun-se. He hoped he would like it.
The plan was simple. Give the gift, express gratitude for everything, and say goodbye to this house and to Hyun-se. Simple and clean. Hyun-se might try to confine him like before, but strangely, he felt certain that the possibility was low this time.
Hadn’t he done it a few times already? He wasn’t the type of person to do the same thing twice, especially trying to hold onto someone who said they wanted to leave.
He sat on the sofa and waited endlessly. A few text alerts and phone calls came to his phone, but he ignored them. He didn’t turn on the TV either. Occasionally, he looked around, imprinting in his mind the space where he had stayed.
Memories were attached to every place. The dining table, the sink, the large window in the living room, the sofa he was sitting on, and even the rug on the floor. Hyun-se had laughed, cooked, hugged him, and slowly walked with Si-yul’s feet on top of his own, like rocking a child in a cradle.
‘Am I not heavy?’
‘Not at all.’
‘You’re lying.’
‘It’s true.’
He had never been indulged like this at the orphanage. Sometimes, on the way back from school, he had secretly watched adults walking with children smaller than him on their feet at the playground. Even when he tried to get off Hyun-se’s feet, Hyun-se would hug his waist and tell him to stay a little longer.
“…”
The days had grown slightly longer since the winter solstice. But that didn’t mean night wouldn’t come. The sunset passed, twilight settled in, and a pitch-black curtain draped over the house. Si-yul didn’t turn on the lights. He dozed off briefly in between.
He startled awake at the sound of the keypad being pressed. The door opened with the familiar mechanical sound. The scent he had smelled so often, yet never tired of, wafted in strongly. He was no longer curious about the name of the cologne. Hyun-se’s body scent was his perfume.
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
Skipping any greeting and getting straight to the point was typical of Hyun-se. Si-yul grinned, recalling their earlier phone conversations. It was strange that he could smile despite his head being full of what he needed to do now.
Seeing Si-yul awake, Hyun-se turned on the living room lights. He looked at Si-yul, then noticed the backpack at his feet and slightly furrowed his brow. He turned his head towards Si-yul as if demanding an explanation for why it was there.
Si-yul called out, “Hyung,” while pushing the gift on the table towards him.
“This is a gift for you. I should have given it to you earlier, but I’m giving it now.”
“Suddenly? My birthday passed a while ago, and just your feelings are enough for me, Kwon Si-yul.”
“I’ve put my feelings into it too. So, please open it quickly.”
Si-yul urged again. Hyun-se reluctantly approached and sat on the sofa. He alternately looked at Si-yul and the gift with a suspicious expression. When Si-yul insisted he open it quickly, he slowly unwrapped it. As he lifted the lid of the box, his expression subtly hardened.
“…Shoes?”
“I ruined your shoes before, remember? I wanted to buy you the exact same ones, but they weren’t available in Korea. So I bought something similar.”
“Why now?”
“Shall I help you put them on?”
Hyun-se stared intently at Si-yul, as if trying to discern his intentions. Si-yul, keeping the smile on his lips, knelt on one knee in front of Hyun-se. He took out one shoe from the box, held Hyun-se’s foot, and gently slipped it in. Inserting his fingers into the heel, he helped the rest of the foot into the shoe, and the large foot disappeared inside.
Then he took out the other one and put it on him as well. Though not as luxurious as the first pair he had seen, the clean design suited Hyun-se well.
“Hyung.”
Placing his hand on the knee in front of him, he looked up at Hyun-se. He etched into his memory the dark blue-tinged eyes and features. It was a bit disappointing that there was no sign of joy, not even a formal smile, despite receiving the gift.
“Thank you for everything until now.”
Hyun-se stood up abruptly. His gaze looking down was cold. Even his scent turned sharp like the winter wind. Si-yul straightened his bent knee and stood facing him calmly.
“I’m leaving now.”
“Leaving?”
Si-yul just nodded. This was what he should have done when he saw Hyun-se at the concert, the moment he heard about the marriage. Liking the feeling of being held, he had stayed by Hyun-se’s side, making various excuses and deceiving even himself. He had dragged it on for too long. It was time to sort things out.
“Who said you could?”
In the blink of an eye, a large hand grabbed Si-yul’s collar and pulled him close. His nose bridge wrinkled like a beast baring its canines. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t scared, but compared to their first meeting when he had cried his eyes out, he wasn’t frightened now. Even if Hyun-se were to strangle him to death right here, the emotion he would feel wouldn’t be fear.
The days when death was the most frightening thing had passed. Si-yul had learned this time that there were things in the world more terrifying than that.
“I’ve been at home all this time, just like you said. Not going anywhere, just by your side. Now it’s your turn to listen to me.”
With his heels lifted, coughing, Si-yul still articulated what he had to say. Though he hadn’t prepared, the sentences flowed smoothly as if they had been pooled in his mind for a long time.
“You did all this, the trip and the gift, just to say this crap? I didn’t think you were like this, Kwon Si-yul. Pretending to be all better, getting someone’s hopes up, then kicking them to the ground.”
“No. I’ve never played with you. I’ve always been sincere. During this trip, before that, and even now. There hasn’t been a single moment when I felt differently while staying with you.”
“…”
The hand gripping his collar gradually loosened. Coughing roughly, Si-yul clutched his throat. Hyun-se’s hand, which had come up as if to check, clenched into a fist and went back down.
“Then why.”
“…”
“I’ve told you before. Whether it’s a house, a building, or a car, if you need anything, just say so. What on earth do you want to do this?”
“I don’t need any of that. There’s only one thing I want. I want to stop now.”
“You said you liked me.”
“That’s irrelevant.”
“If not that, then is it because of the marriage?”
Si-yul closed his mouth. Hyun-se’s chest inflated and then deflated like a balloon.
“Just because of that.”
“Just that?”
Si-yul’s eyes widened. It wasn’t “just that” to him. It was a significant event where a new family would be legally bound to Hyun-se. Something that an orphan like him could never dream of while being with Hyun-se, with someone else.
His eyes burned. Si-yul clenched his fist and dug his nails into his palm. The pain thankfully prevented tears from falling. Instead of the tears he had pushed down, a hollow laugh came out.
“Is marriage just ‘that’ to you? It’s not for me. It can’t be.”
“Everyone lives like that. Dating separately from marriage. They take what they can get and pretend not to know, living just fine. Why can’t you do that, Kwon Si-yul?”
“I don’t want to live like that.”
“Then, are you telling me to call off the engagement?”
“Would you do it if I told you to?”
There was no answer. Not even empty words asking for time. He just silently looked down at Si-yul. Although Si-yul knew that no matter how much he prayed, Hyun-se wouldn’t call off the engagement, the words he himself had spoken cut his heart like a knife. Like the wedding invitation he had accidentally opened had scratched his fingers.
Si-yul stared blankly at Hyun-se. Even though he didn’t want to know, he could see how much weight the other’s emotions carried. To Si-yul, Hyun-se was heavy. Sometimes even more than gravity. But not to Hyun-se.
At least, it was lighter than the weight Si-yul carried. Or it might be as light as a feather. How many countless relationships, followed by breakups, must there have been? Si-yul might just be one name on that list, about to be crossed out in red.
Finally, tears overflowed. They crossed his cheeks, pooled at his chin, and then fell in drops.
Hyun-se grabbed Si-yul’s wrist as he wiped his tears with his sleeve. Si-yul shook it off with all his might.
“So this is where we end.”
Roughly wiping the tears that kept falling even as he wiped them, he glared with bloodshot eyes. Hyun-se’s scent wavered. It was a complex mix of killing intent, anger, frustration at not being able to harm despite that, and precarious patience. Si-yul didn’t cower and read the atmosphere like before.
Hyun-se loosened his shirt collar where there was no tie. As if his emotions weren’t easily settling, he lowered his head and sighed deeply enough to sink the ground, rubbing between his eyebrows with his index finger and thumb.
“Think about it again.”
“It’s over.”
“I never ended it.”
“For me, it’s over.”
Si-yul took a step. On the second step, Hyun-se grabbed his wrist. No matter how he twisted his arm or tried to shake it off, it was useless.
