Chapter 81
It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t the alcohol. As his lips parted, white breath rose like cigarette smoke. The desire to get up and run away fought fiercely with the desire to stay seated. Si-yul chose the latter. He knew he couldn’t get far even if he ran at full speed, and he didn’t even know where to go.
Hyun-se stopped abruptly in front of Si-yul. Si-yul tried to look up but instead bowed his head deeply. Hyun-se’s heavy sigh touched the top of his head, pressing down on Si-yul’s crown even more.
“Kwon Si-yul.”
He had nothing to say even if scolded. He had acted drunk with the bodyguard, and seemed determined to freeze to death in the bitter cold. His phone was off so they couldn’t contact him.
Had Hyun-se been worried?
A hand approached. Si-yul squeezed his eyes shut, fearing he would be grabbed by the collar and lifted up. But Hyun-se simply bent his knees to sit, matching Si-yul’s eye level. The raised hand touched his cheek. Despite crossing the park, the warmth of his hand remained.
“Why are you outside in the cold? You should have gone somewhere indoors.”
Hyun-se’s body heat transferred through Si-yul’s skin. His cheek, which felt like it might crack from the cold, slowly thawed. But it wasn’t his cheek that was warming up, it was his eyes. Si-yul quickly gripped the edge of the bench tightly.
“Let’s go back, Si-yul.”
Hyun-se whispered, tilting his head to meet Si-yul’s gaze, as he placed both hands on Si-yul’s cold knees. Those large hands that had hugged, comforted, and caressed him overlapped with the hands he had seen in his dream. Seeing those hands that had been extended to the bride instead of him, he could no longer hold back.
Tears welled up and fell to the ground. Si-yul roughly rubbed his nose and eyes with the back of his hand.
“Hyung. …Hyun-se hyung.”
His voice was trembling terribly. He reached out and grabbed the coat in front of him. His mouth opened and closed several times.
He liked Hyun-se. He liked him so much he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to hold on. Even though he knew he could no longer stand beside him, even though he knew he had to step back from that place no matter what Hyun-se said, his desire had grown to match the size of his heart.
“Can’t you… not get married?”
It was because he was still drunk. Tomorrow, he could open his eyes wide and deny it, saying he didn’t remember anything. Si-yul looked at Hyun-se with his nose and the area under his eyes turning red. His lower lip trembled, and tears larger than snowflakes streamed down his cheeks.
“Don’t get married.”
“…”
“I’ll treat you so much better than I do now. I’ll do everything you want, and I won’t talk back. I’ll eat well and listen well. Just… hyung, just…”
He wanted to share an ordinary life with Hyun-se – eating together when he came home from work, doing the dishes together, sitting on the sofa watching TV and chatting, going grocery shopping on days off, cooking, falling asleep in each other’s arms. He wanted to laugh at trivial conversations, build memories, and increase their common ground.
Not a life where he’d be anxious about when Hyun-se would return, or if he would come to where Si-yul was at all.
“Can’t we just live together?”
Was that desire too much? Hyun-se kept his mouth shut and remained silent. Tired of waiting for an answer, Si-yul rested his forehead on the shoulder in front of him. His lips were contorted, as if about to smile or cry.
“…I just talked nonsense for a moment because I’m drunk. I drank over three bottles. I’m sorry.”
Si-yul stood up unsteadily. He rubbed his cheeks, wiping away the tear stains. No more tears came. He looked down at Hyun-se, who was still sitting with bent knees in front of the bench, and smiled brightly. If his eyes hadn’t been red, one might not have known he had been crying.
“I’ll forget everything by tomorrow. So don’t worry about it too much.”
He was briefly emboldened, relying on the remaining effects of alcohol. Si-yul dusted off his clothes and put his hands in his pockets. Hyun-se stood up and forcibly pulled Si-yul’s hands out of his pockets, intertwining their fingers. He lifted their tightly clasped hands and kissed the back of Si-yul’s hand, entwining them like tree roots gripping the soil, as if he would never let go.
Si-yul looked at the snowflakes resting on Hyun-se’s eyelashes, then raised his head to stare into space. Countless white snowflakes poured down, obscuring his vision. Since he couldn’t see whether his eyes were open or closed, Si-yul chose to close them.
“Ugh…”
His head hurt. Si-yul woke up to a headache that felt like his skull was being hammered. Judging by his nauseous stomach and the screaming pain in every joint, this hangover was no ordinary one.
As he was fumbling around under the blanket, the door opened and Hyun-se entered. He was holding a tray.
“Are you okay?”
“…I feel like I’m dying.”
Si-yul curled up, holding his head with both hands, saying today might really be his memorial day. His voice was as rough as if he had swallowed iron filings. Hyun-se put down the tray and sat at the bedside. He firmly massaged the back of Si-yul’s neck, who was lying face down. The skull-splitting headache slowly subsided under the touch kneading his head and nape.
“That’s why I told you not to drink so much.”
“It’s been a while, that’s why. I was happy to see everyone.”
As Si-yul sat up, leaning against the headboard, Hyun-se handed him a cup he had brought. It was a clear barley tea-colored liquid. Taking a sip, a sweet honey taste moistened his tongue and throat. Since his throat had been parched anyway, he emptied the cup in one go.
“Want more?”
“No, I’m fine. But what about your work?”
“I’ll go in the afternoon.”
Si-yul absent-mindedly picked up his phone. The fully charged phone screen showed numbers just past lunchtime. He had slept deeply for a long time, not waking once, crushed by the alcohol.
The phone screen turned black. Si-yul was more startled by his reflection in it than by the date. His appearance in the dark screen was worse than a beggar who had wandered the streets for three years.
His hair was disheveled, his eyes and face were swollen, and his lips were chapped with white skin peeling off. Disbelieving, he quickly raised his arm and sniffed. Fortunately, there was no terrible smell.
Hyun-se was good at…
“I’m going to wash up.”
“I’ll help you wash.”
“No! I’ll do it myself.”
Si-yul hurriedly got up, stopping Hyun-se who was rolling up his sleeves. When he staggered, Hyun-se immediately reached out to catch him, saying he’d collapse while washing in this state and that he would do it. Si-yul adamantly refused.
“I should do it myself now.”
Hyun-se hesitated. Then he strode over and grabbed Si-yul’s wrist as he was about to close the bathroom door. Si-yul looked back.
“Do you remember last night?”
Si-yul quietly looked into Hyun-se’s eyes. He seemed to be searching for something. But soon he frowned slightly and smiled as usual.
“No. Nothing. Did I cause trouble last night?”
He twisted his wrist and pulled it free. He scratched his head as if trying to recall memories. He narrowed his eyes, then shook his head lightly as if nothing came to mind.
“I must have drunk too much. I can’t remember anything. I remember putting the manager in a taxi, though.”
“…”
The following gaze was persistent. As if trying to determine whether it was a lie or the truth. Si-yul pushed Hyun-se’s chest away before his true feelings could be discovered. He didn’t move away at all.
“Hyung, after I wash up, shall we go eat some hangover soup? I don’t think I can eat anything else today. Just thinking about it, ugh.”
He still didn’t budge. At this rate, it seemed they would be in a standoff in front of the bathroom door all day, so Si-yul let his arms drop and acted as pitiful as he could.
He said he already felt like dying from the hangover, and asked if Hyun-se wanted to make it harder for him, saying he might really faint if he exerted himself more here. Only after this exaggerated display did he manage to safely enter the bathroom.
Si-yul quickly undressed and stood under the shower. His hair, shoulders, back, and legs gradually got wet under the pouring water. Instead of applying shampoo, he briefly rested his forehead against the wall.
Unfortunately, Si-yul remembered everything clearly. The dream on the bench, his drunken behavior, the ensuing silence, and even the furrowed brow that seemed to express difficulty. It was a roundabout rejection. There are things in the world that can substitute for answers without words. Expressions, silence, and atmosphere did that.
He knew his clumsy acting was far from convincing to Hyun-se. Still, Si-yul decided to pretend he had forgotten. He believed that if he acted as if nothing had happened, Hyun-se would also pretend not to know.
* * *
Si-yul’s daily life returned to how it was before. He saw Hyun-se off and welcomed him home, they sat across from each other at the dining table to eat, or occasionally went out to eat. Hyun-se would hold a warm coffee, Si-yul an iced vanilla latte as they walked in the park, admired the Christmas trees that hadn’t been taken down yet, and secretly held hands. Like before the concert, Si-yul often laughed and chattered.
But only the surface was peaceful. Si-yul’s eyes gradually lost their light. When Hyun-se was around, he would move, talk, and show vitality as if a switch had been turned on, but when alone, he would just sit still with his eyes open like a machine with its power off.
