Chapter 80
“Did the CEO… show it?”
Si-yul hadn’t realized. When they met, it was usually at a convenience store quite far from the shop, and even when Hyun-se came to the shop, he talked more with others than with Si-yul. Si-yul had prevented any secret hand-holding or subtle touches. Even when they lived together, he had strongly refused Hyun-se’s offers to pick him up, fearing others might notice.
“Yeah. Hyun-se only looked at you. From the moment he entered the shop, he didn’t take his eyes off you.”
Was that so? Si-yul had been careful even about making eye contact, so he had no idea Hyun-se had been watching him. His ears burned hot. His chest stung simultaneously. It throbbed as if being pressed by something blunt.
“I was a bit envious.”
“Of me?”
“He never looked at me like that.”
The manager’s eyes grew distant, as if recalling the past. Si-yul was curious about how Hyun-se had looked at him, while also remembering that the two had once been even closer. A dull pain rose and faded in his chest.
“Woo Hyun-se is such a cold person.”
Si-yul couldn’t agree with that statement. Hyun-se was warm. Too warm, in fact, and that was the problem. Even as his mind screamed that he should leave, he had lost count of the times he’d succumbed to that warmth and nestled into Hyun-se’s embrace.
“He maintains politeness, but that’s it. No matter how much I wished, I couldn’t cross that line. What I wanted to give and receive was love, but no matter how much I gave, nothing came back from him.”
One-sided emotions eventually tilt like a seesaw. What happens to feelings that become weightless from not being reciprocated and finally float away? Don’t they scatter like unharvested grains?
“I’m not talking about material things, but emotional ones.”
The manager pointed to the dark empty space with the hand holding his cigarette, as if indicating Hyun-se. Si-yul’s gaze followed the gesture before returning to the manager.
“Something that would distinguish whether I was inside or outside that person’s boundaries.”
Taking a final drag, the manager turned. He discarded the cigarette butt and smiled bitterly, saying he was talking nonsense. Si-yul stared blankly, wondering if there were any lingering attachments. The manager furrowed his brow, reading Si-yul’s thoughts.
“What? Do I look like I still have lingering feelings?”
“A little…?”
Answering honestly, the manager genuinely recoiled, rubbing his arm vigorously. He said that’s not what lingering feelings meant, that all that remained between them was enough goodwill to sing at each other’s weddings, so Si-yul shouldn’t worry. Finding his own words quite amusing, the manager soon chuckled and stroked Si-yul’s pale cheek.
“No matter how I look at it, you’re much more precious. You’re warm, Si-yul. Kind, diligent, and cute. Hyun-se goes around doing all sorts of bad things, but he’s lucky to have picked you up from somewhere.”
It must be empty words. In terms of qualifications, Si-yul couldn’t even compare to those by Hyun-se’s side. It was only by chance-made luck that he was beside him now, and even that wouldn’t last much longer. It was like a candle burning down to its last flicker.
At the suggestion to go inside, Si-yul ushered the manager in first. Somehow, he didn’t want to go in. Si-yul stood there blankly before slowly sitting down.
Having forgotten his coat, the cold wind crept into his nape. Si-yul hunched his neck like a turtle but didn’t go inside right away. The cold was familiar. He could endure it. Even if he left Hyun-se’s house, the situation probably wouldn’t be much different. An endurable chill, endurable loneliness. Endurable… longing.
“What I wanted to give and receive was love…”
The manager’s voice, reminiscing about past memories, sounded distant like a radio with static. Had he given love, or received it? The more he pondered, the deeper he fell into a maze. The weight of emotions suddenly washing over him felt heavy. As if it might flatten him, though invisible.
He barely touched the food and just drank heavily. Reluctant to part after the first round, he was compelled to follow for a second. He knew the new security guard was peering from afar, expressing disapproval, but he deliberately ignored it. He wanted to stay out as long as possible.
The drinking party disbanded after the second round. Si-yul wanted to suggest a third, but he couldn’t force those who had to work the next day to stay.
The manager, who was relatively sober, put each member in a taxi and sent them home. Yang Hye-na, weak to alcohol, had already disappeared after declaring defeat in the first round. When the manager tried to send Si-yul home too, he shook his head. He didn’t want to go back yet.
After seeing off the manager who asked if he’d be okay, Si-yul stopped by a park, ostensibly to sober up. Having exceeded his usual drinking capacity, he collapsed sideways onto a bench as soon as he sat down.
The security guard who had approached at some point announced it was time to go back, but Si-yul made a fuss, saying he’d rest for a moment. Threatening with wide eyes that if they took him now it would be kidnapping and he’d scream loudly, the security guard had no choice but to back off and leave Si-yul alone.
Si-yul sprawled out on the bench, grinning as he celebrated his victory. He kept laughing involuntarily. Making hissing sounds like someone with a punctured lung, he gradually reduced his laughter as he realized no one was around.
Soon he curled up like a grub. As he changed position, the hem of his padded jacket slipped down and touched the ground. Worried about snow and dirt staining the clothes, he quickly flailed his hands to grab the jacket hem.
It was a dazzling white padded jacket. Precious and ill-fitting for someone drunk on a worn bench. When Si-yul had shaken his head saying white gets dirty easily, Hyun-se had personally dressed him, saying he’d buy new ones every day if needed.
On the day he had rolled around on the padding instead of a blanket at the shop, Hyun-se had bought him a new coat as if to prove his point. How many coats had already taken up space in his closet that way?
Somehow his nose bridge stung. Si-yul sniffled and rubbed his eyes.
“…want to.”
I want to see him. Even while wandering outside like this because he didn’t want to see him, drunken confessions revealed his true feelings against his will. As if punishing his mouth for speaking freely, he bit his lower lip hard with his upper teeth.
It wouldn’t be so bad to freeze to death here. Death used to be the scariest thing in the world, but lately that ranking had changed. Si-yul feared Hyun-se more than death. More precisely, he was terrified of Hyun-se coldly turning his back and ignoring him.
How does the more you like someone, the more your heart goes to them, the more terrifying they become than ghosts or death?
Intending to just close his eyes for a moment, he dozed off. Hyun-se appeared in his fragmented dream. Wearing the bright smile he had once shown Si-yul, he reached out to someone. A beautiful woman in a pure white wedding dress smiled back and took his hand.
Si-yul sat in a shabby chair far from the wedding venue, watching the ceremony overflowing with fresh flowers. It was a beautiful wedding without a single flaw no matter how closely he looked. Everyone applauded and whistled, blessing the couple’s brilliant future.
Only where Si-yul sat was in shadow. He couldn’t close his eyes even though he wanted to, couldn’t stand up even though he wanted to, his feet nailed to the floor. His body was rigid, as if he were a decoration thoughtlessly placed at the wedding rather than a guest.
He wanted to cry out for help, but though his mouth opened, no sound came out and he could barely breathe. Though it was spring with flower petals fluttering, the wind scratching Si-yul’s skin was a harsh, cold north wind.
No.
Please.
Please…
Si-yul’s eyes flew open with a gasp. His heart was pounding fiercely and his dark pupils were dilated like full moons. His vision swam as he rolled his eyes, scanning his surroundings.
It was the park. He belatedly remembered lying down on the bench, saying he’d rest for just a moment.
The alcohol warming his body had made him forget to fear the cold. He had been curled up tightly, but now he sat up, sniffling as the biting wind invaded his clothes. The air that had been clear just before was now filled with thick snowflakes swirling down. Snow had gathered here and there on the cold ground like dropped cotton balls.
He took out his phone to check how long he had slept. But it was unresponsive no matter how he tapped it. When he pressed the power button, only the low battery indicator flashed.
He looked around. The ever-present security guard was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps disgusted by Si-yul’s drunken antics before he fell asleep, they might have left, unable to take it anymore. Si-yul had hoped to borrow someone else’s phone if anyone was nearby, but the park with its row of streetlights was devoid of even an ant, whether due to the chilly weather or the late hour.
Thinking he should stop by a convenience store, he was about to get up, placing his hand on the bench, when he heard footsteps approaching from the distance. Wiping his red nose with the back of his hand, he turned his head in that direction. Through the falling snow, he saw a familiar large figure and the long shadow cast by the dim streetlight.
Was he still not sober? He rubbed his eyes and looked again. The footsteps coming straight towards him showed no hesitation. With each step closer, thick white snowflakes settled like dots on shoulders that seemed to have never known the word ‘slouch’. On the long, thick coat, and on hair as black as ink.
