Chapter 93
“Listen to me.”
“Let go of this.”
“Kwon Si-yul.”
The voice calling his name was low and calm, as if dealing with a stubborn child. Even in this situation, Hyun-se remained unshaken. Only Si-yul’s emotions were running wild. This stark contrast ignited the wick of Si-yul’s emotions.
“We!”
His breathing was ragged. He rubbed his eyes furiously with his free hand and looked at Hyun-se. The whites of his eyes, brimming with tears, were flushed red.
“We, hyung. From the beginning, we were unbalanced. When there’s no balance, it’s bound to collapse eventually.”
Love, environment – everything. They had been desperately holding on to a seesaw that was destined to topple to one side someday. Hyun-se’s marriage was just an early trigger; it would have ended on some future day anyway.
“I won’t like you anymore.”
It was more of a resolution to himself than a statement to the other. He had liked him enough until now. Human emotions don’t cut off cleanly like slicing radish, but he wanted to stop hurting now. Hyun-se was like the drug he used to deliver. It brought momentary euphoria when consumed, but the pain seared through his flesh when he came down.
If it was an addiction, he had to break free. He didn’t want to suffer by his side anymore.
Unable to face Hyun-se directly, Si-yul twisted his head and tried to pull his arm away. Hyun-se, who had been unresponsive until now, refused to let go of Si-yul’s wrist.
“Don’t go.”
This simple phrase caught him off guard. The tears he had just managed to suppress welled up again. He wanted to collapse right there. He wanted to stay by Hyun-se’s side, even if just as a plant. But he couldn’t. He was tired of this endless loop.
“Let go.”
“This is the last time. Don’t go.”
The word ‘last’ made his heart sink. Looking back, Hyun-se had stopped and held him back many times. Anyone, not just Hyun-se, would be tired of repeating the same thing so many times.
Si-yul stared blankly at Hyun-se, hiding his sunken heart. His scent still wafted like waves of a distant sea, but his expression was calm. It meant he was serious.
Si-yul took Hyun-se’s hand with his own. As he wrapped his palm around the other’s wrist, the fingers loosened. Only after the grip that felt like shackles was released did Si-yul lower his hand. With reddened eyes, even as tears fell, he looked straight at Hyun-se. Hyun-se, who was about to reach out once more, slowly withdrew his arm after meeting Si-yul’s gaze.
“I’m going.”
Si-yul passed by Hyun-se and shouldered the backpack he had left by the entrance. He crammed his feet into the worn-out sneakers he had taken out and grabbed the doorknob. There was no sound from behind him. He hesitated for a moment, wanting to see that face, but didn’t look back.
Si-yul soon opened the door and stepped outside the entrance. The end he had long imagined was terribly empty.
After taking the elevator and leaving the building, Si-yul never looked back once. Feeling as if someone was chasing him, he quickened his pace unnecessarily. He crossed the main road, passed the bus stop where he should have stopped, and only slowed down when he reached the middle of the bridge he used to cross often.
Though he hadn’t run, he was out of breath. He caught his knees and steadied his rough breathing before slowly straightening up. The headlights of cars crossing the road illuminated faint snowflakes. The weather forecast that had flashed on the electronic billboard was accurate.
Although the weather he had wished for had come, Si-yul wasn’t entirely happy. There was water all around, but this wasn’t an island. Nor was it the small villa where he had stayed alone with Hyun-se.
He thought he would feel relieved after leaving that house, that his breath would finally come easily as if freed from a noose around his neck, but strangely, he felt nothing. His insides still felt heavy and stifling.
There was no farewell.
He thought he would at least hear a word of goodbye.
He already regretted not looking back at the end. He should have shamelessly etched in his memory the expression with which Hyun-se was looking at him. If Hyun-se had his back turned, he should have at least imprinted that image in his mind.
His eyes, cooled by the cold wind, heated up again. Before tears could form, he rubbed his stinging nose and eyes vigorously with his arm. Then he lowered his hand to his chest and pounded it with his fist. Though it was his solar plexus that felt tight, it was his chest that hurt. Thinking he might have hit too hard, he rubbed it firmly with his palm. But the pain, like indigestion, wouldn’t subside.
Si-yul gripped the bridge railing and slowly sank down. His legs, which had walked non-stop, now throbbed. But the pain in his legs was minimal compared to elsewhere.
“…”
His hand slid down from the railing. He collapsed onto the ground, hanging his head low. His cheeks, stung by the wind, felt hot, and he pressed both hands against them. His face, which had been dry while walking from Hyun-se’s house to here, was now wet again.
He tried to wipe it off, but knowing it was futile, he lowered his arms. Snowflakes and tears fell in dots on the ground. Si-yul’s shoulders shook slightly. Even though he held his breath and bit his lips, the droplets that gathered at the tip of his nose and fell to the ground didn’t stop.
If he had known it would hurt this much, he should have liked him less. If he had given just a little less of his heart, it wouldn’t have hurt this much.
Now he had nowhere to go, no one to come for him, no one waiting for him. The sound he had been suppressing burst out. Si-yul curled up and cried loudly like a lost child.
* * *
After sitting blankly, he trudged to an inn. He couldn’t think of any other place to stay. In truth, he just wanted to collapse and sleep on any floor.
Fortunately, he had been paying a small rent to store his belongings. Too exhausted to clean the dusty floor, he threw his backpack in a corner and just flopped down. He clumsily spread out the folded blanket, covered himself, and curled up.
Though his mind was blank, strangely, sleep didn’t come easily. He lay motionless in the room, still cold, waiting for sleep that wouldn’t come.
It was only towards dawn that he managed to close his eyes. Even that didn’t last long. He woke to the sound of rustling from the next room as someone prepared to leave. Though morning had broken, it was still dim outside. The snow hadn’t stopped yet.
“Ah, shit, the weather’s fucking terrible.”
A man cursed roughly from beyond the wall that provided no soundproofing at all. Si-yul struggled to lift his heavy, puffy eyelids and slightly opened the window. Snowflakes passing through the hole-ridden mosquito net melted the moment they touched Si-yul’s face. He coughed dryly at the cold air and closed the window.
He picked up his phone. After hesitating, he turned on the power he had switched off. There were only a few spam messages and no other contacts. Not even a missed call.
Though he had pushed away and walked out on his own, he couldn’t help but remember those words saying it was the last time.
His nose stung. It could be because the cold wind had scraped the inside of his nose like a blade. He sniffled needlessly and burrowed into the blanket.
At times like this, it would have been nice if Kwon Yuwon were beside him. At least then he could have avoided thinking, listening to nagging instead.
Asking Yuwon for help was out of the question; the other would be furious. Now there was no one to help him. It was a burden he had to bear alone.
But even the brain needs energy to function. Right now, he couldn’t think of anything. Like an animal suddenly abandoned in a vast plain after being confined in a small, narrow cage for a very long time, Si-yul couldn’t figure out where he was or what he should do next.
It should be okay to rest for just one day.
Just one day.
He was exhausted, weary, and tired. Though he hadn’t done anything, it was hard to move even a finger. His insides felt empty. It seemed like he had poured out all his moisture last night on the bridge, while walking, to Hyun-se, leaving not a drop behind.
His throat was dry. Si-yul swallowed saliva instead of water and forced his eyes shut. It didn’t matter whether sleep came or not. He just wanted to escape reality.
He did nothing on the first day. He woke up in between, quenched his thirst roughly with tap water, and crawled back under the blanket. It was only when morning turned to afternoon, afternoon to night, night to dawn, and dawn back to morning that Si-yul finally got up from his bed. Ridiculously, he was hungry. When he was at Hyun-se’s house, even putting something in his mouth had been a struggle.
That was the second day. Si-yul checked his bank balance. A large sum had been withdrawn to buy the gift for Hyun-se. Still, thanks to his savings, he had enough to live on for a few days.
He put on a padded jacket over his clothes and went to a nearby convenience store to buy some food. As he picked up the cheapest bottled water from the refrigerator section, a familiar drink bottle caught his eye.
“…”
Si-yul bit his lip and quickly grabbed the water bottle. He deliberately avoided looking in that direction. Trying to push away the memories that were flooding in, he returned to the inn.
Three days, four days, and then five days passed like this. Nothing happened during that time. The face that had appeared tiringly in his dreams was absent in reality. No messages, no calls either.
Si-yul didn’t contact him either. But in the deep of night, when sleep briefly fled due to excessive napping during the day, Hyun-se invariably came to mind. He would hold his phone and bring up that contact, but never pressed the call button. Si-yul was trying his hardest to keep his declaration that he would no longer like him.
