I wanted to be completely free of him.
Even if I left, if an invisible leash was still around my neck, leaving would mean nothing.
“What if… I never come back?”
I didn’t want to show my hand like this. I bit my lip in self-loathing for blurting it out. The man hesitated at my words, looking at me. He seemed to think for a moment, then answered with a gentle smile.
“You can’t leave.”
“…….”
“Baek Siwoo. You can’t leave me anymore.”
“……I……”
“Even if you say you will, I’ll have no choice but to get angry. Being abandoned once is enough. Just slowly accept it and get used to it. That’s all you have to do. Let’s be together forever, Siwoo.”
“…….”
I didn’t know what expression I made when I heard his words.
***
Because of the hospital’s size, my heart pounded wildly as I watched the numbers change on each floor. After getting out of the taxi, I had run all the way, and my heart wouldn’t calm down. I wiped the sweat dripping down my flushed face and caught my breath, trying to steady myself.
“They said your sister might not wake up.”
Two days ago, there was an accident near the university.
A handcart loaded with heavy scrap metal, poorly secured, had slid down a slope, picking up speed. It had crushed a student who happened to be turning around at the wrong moment.
The voice explaining the absurd accident trembled pitifully.
As soon as my mother heard that it was my girlfriend, she burst into tears. I had suspected something was wrong, but the situation was far more serious than I had imagined. Unable to continue, my mother handed the phone to my high school brother, who explained what had happened.
Her neck was broken. She had nearly died, but miraculously survived. The doctor said she might remain in a vegetative state for the rest of her life.
I stared blankly at the unreal story unfolding over the phone. I couldn’t even ask questions. After stammering a few times, I asked which hospital she was in. I was told it was in the old downtown area, but even if I went, her condition was too severe for visitors.
After hanging up, I stood outside the hospital for a long time, pacing. I watched the elevator doors open and close repeatedly. I couldn’t bring myself to step inside. We had only been dating for less than a week. I couldn’t face her parents in this situation, where I couldn’t even visit her.
After lingering in the hospital lobby for a while, I turned back the way I came.
Standing in front of my apartment, I still couldn’t collect myself. I didn’t know what to do. My mind spun in circles. After running around half-asleep, I had returned without resolving anything.
I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. Even though I had nothing to do with the absurd accident that had befallen her, even though I knew there was nothing I could do, a crushing sense of powerlessness overwhelmed me.
I stood blankly, staring at the entrance to my apartment for several minutes. Then, I heard the sound of a door opening behind me.
“Hyung, what are you doing?”
“…….”
“Hyung?”
“……Ah. Uh? Ah……”
“Why are you like this? What’s wrong?”
“Su-yeon…… Su-yeon…”
“……Who’s Su-yeon?”
“Su-yeon is really hurt. But I don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless…… I don’t even deserve to be her boyfriend. I’m scared to go see her…… I came back, but……”
“Are you okay? Your face is pale. Hyung, can you hear me? Talk slowly.”
“Huh…… Ah…… No…… I…… I…… My head is spinning……”
I didn’t know if it was from lack of sleep, the shock, or running until I was out of breath. My vision swam, and my body collapsed backward.
A firm arm caught my waist. I was held in Heon’s arms.
He looked down at me with concern. As my hazy mind cleared, I realized the position I was in and stepped back, slipping out of his embrace.
“Sorry.”
“Hyung, are you really okay? Is Su-yeon your girlfriend? Your girlfriend got really hurt?”
“Heon.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go out… and drink.”
I staggered down the stairs first. My mind was in chaos, and I hunched my shoulders as I turned to look at him. He furrowed his brows, staring at me, then answered belatedly, “Okay.”
After confirming Heon was following, I left the villa and headed to the convenience store. I bought nearly seven bottles of soju and carried them out.
As I stumbled toward the empty lot, Heon grabbed the hem of my coat.
When he asked if he should carry them for me, I shook my head. I was about to make a fool of myself in front of someone unrelated to me, and I didn’t want to burden him with my luggage. Glancing back at Heon’s serious expression, I plopped down in a corner of the empty lot.
I twisted off the cap and chugged the soju straight from the bottle.
At times like this, I cursed myself for having such a high alcohol tolerance.
“Drink slowly.”
“I have to drink like this to get drunk. My room password is 7546, so take me back when I pass out.”
“……Drink your fill. I’ll help you.”
Without any snacks, I downed bottle after bottle of soju. Anyone passing by would have gasped in shock.
Sitting on a bench in the corner of the lot, I opened a bottle of soju and drank, then grimaced as I opened the next. I repeated this four times. In less than 20 minutes, four bottles were empty. Heon silently watched me the whole time. He didn’t ask what was wrong, even though he must have been curious. Maybe that’s why I wanted to drink in front of him.
As my willpower weakened, the soju I was chugging straight from the bottle made my mind go soft. I had never done anything so reckless before, but after four bottles, I was so drunk I forgot how to breathe.
When my vision flickered black and returned, I realized I had the fifth bottle of soju in my mouth, half of it dripping down my chin.
Heon’s face was uncomfortably close. He looked pained as he lifted my cheek and asked,
“Why are you suffering so much over a girl you’ve only been dating for less than a week?”
“Because I’m so powerless and pathetic.”
Guilt had twisted into self-loathing. I felt small and wretched before fate. Like a baby sucking on a bottle, I held the soju bottle, not even drinking, just letting it dribble. I thought I loved her. But when I heard what had happened to her, I didn’t shed a single tear.
“You’re not pathetic, Hyung. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s not your fault.”
His words comforted me. I let the soju bottle drop with a thud. Miraculously, it didn’t break, rolling away and spilling its contents.
Heon pulled me into a hug and patted my back. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.
It lulled me like a lullaby.
I rested my face on Heon’s shoulder and slowly closed my eyes.
My face was wet. Suddenly, nightmares rushed in.
When did I come in? Ah, I had skipped class for two days in a row. Fortunately, it wasn’t the professor in charge of my scholarship. As long as I didn’t lose the professor’s recommendation scholarship, I was fine. Staring blankly at the sunlight seeping through the ceiling, I suddenly sat up.
Cold air rushed in through the slipped blanket.
I hugged the blanket to my chest and fiddled with my bare skin.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
