I didn’t particularly want to be introduced to a gay couple. The memory of the kiss made my stomach churn. I lowered my head and greeted the man without looking directly at him.
“Hello……”
“Hello.”
“This is Baek Si-woo. He’s a junior in our department. And this is Lee Heon, a first-year in clinical psychology.”
“……”
“……”
So he was from the same university.
After Hae-joon sunbae’s introduction, a deep silence fell. Lee Heon, a first-year in clinical psychology, was a strikingly handsome man with sharp eyes.
I remembered a conversation with a classmate who had said, “Handsome men are either gay or married.” At the time, I had laughed it off, but now it seemed she might have been right. Hae-joon sunbae had been called the “prince” of the mechanical engineering department before the rumors about him being gay spread. He had been known as a cold, handsome man, and other flattering nicknames.
But why……
Was the project meeting just an excuse? It was none of my business if they dated or even got married when I wasn’t around. But why did he have to bring his partner, knowing I was a homophobe? I shot him a reproachful glance.
Hae-joon sunbae, showing no sign of remorse, suggested, “How about we all hang out today?”
“……No……”
“I’m busy today.”
Lee Heon, who had been staring at me expressionlessly since the greeting, cut me off and answered first.
“Heon-ah!”
Hae-joon sunbae turned and called out urgently to the man who was already walking away. I could tell from his sharp tone that he was angry.
Being dragged into their date was certainly unpleasant, but it was Hae-joon sunbae’s unilateral decision. I wished he would at least acknowledge that.
I had been about to say I didn’t want to, but he had cut me off first.
Hae-joon sunbae chased after Lee Heon, who was already far away, grabbed his shoulder, and said something. I couldn’t hear their conversation from this distance.
I didn’t particularly want to hear it, either. I was more curious about why Hae-joon sunbae had introduced me to his partner and why he had gone out of his way to remind me that he was gay.
Their conversation ended quickly, and Lee Heon left without looking back.
Hae-joon sunbae returned to me, looking regretful as he explained, “He’s not usually like that.”
“Why did you introduce me to him?”
“We’ve gotten pretty close, haven’t we?”
“……”
“I thought so. That’s why I introduced you. I thought you’d be okay now…… Do you still find it disgusting?”
“I told you. I’m a homophobe. It’s not something that changes easily. It’s fine if you’re alone, but I don’t want to see a gay couple. I’d appreciate it if you were more careful in the future.”
Hae-joon sunbae’s expression twisted strangely. It looked sad, yet somehow pleased. That eerie expression made me instinctively wary, and I tilted my head.
I felt like I should run.
***
A day passed quickly in the pitch-black room where not a single ray of light entered.
I sensed it was about time for the man to return.
I pulled the blanket over me and hid inside. The blanket smelled terrible. No, the entire room reeked. The sour stench of my urine, which I had sprayed around the empty space while he was gone, numbed my nose.
I buried my face in the blanket, but when I lifted my head, the smell hit me again.
I no longer felt shame or self-loathing. I wondered if he would hit me again when he came back. What kind of punishment would he inflict on me today?
The word “escape” flickered faintly in my mind, but it was too overwhelming to even think about. I just lay there, grinding my teeth. If only this 10-kilogram shackle were removed, I would kill him.
I had suffered from depression more than a dozen times in this endless darkness.
I wanted to bite my tongue hard, but the will to live stopped me.
Yesterday, I had a chance to kill the man, but I didn’t take it—because I still wanted to live.
I faintly sensed a presence. Soon, the lock clicked twice, and the door opened. The dark room brightened momentarily before the door closed again.
The man walked over and stood beside me.
I didn’t show my face from under the blanket.
I just curled up tighter and held my breath.
I hoped he would pity me.
I heard him sigh, and the blanket was pulled away. He grabbed my wrist and lifted me from the bed.
“Let’s eat.”
I straightened my hunched body and glanced at him. Fortunately, it seemed he intended to feed me as soon as he arrived.
He held me in his arms and tugged at the chain connected to my ankle.
As I wrapped my arms around his neck, I wanted to kill him again.
He patted my back as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.
“Be patient today.”
“……”
“I’m not in a good mood. If you reject me, I don’t know how I’ll change.”
His words about not being in a good mood seemed true. His voice was calm, but the air around him was chillingly cold.
Even though I knew this was my chance, I couldn’t muster the courage to attack him. Every time I resisted, the punishment was unbearably humiliating.
The weak human mind recorded an indelible fear.
The man seemed pleased that I was obediently listening to him.
He growled and laughed. Then he whispered in my ear, “Wrap your legs around me. It’ll be easier to carry you.”
His face was right in front of me. Even at this distance where I couldn’t miss seeing him, his face was strangely blurred, as if someone had intentionally erased it.
When I wrapped my legs around his waist as he ordered, he carried me. We left the room and walked down a corridor brighter than the one I had been locked in, heading straight to the kitchen. He sat me down at the old table in the kitchen and picked up a black bag.
Inside the bag were savory-smelling sundae (Korean blood sausage) and appetizing tteokbokki (spicy rice cakes). My stomach growled as the smell reached me. I reached for the tteokbokki, but he swatted my hand away. I only got one meal a day, and here I was, messing around with food.
“Do you want to eat?”
“……I want to eat.”
I looked at him anxiously. He was playing with me over food. He lifted the tteokbokki out of my reach and pondered. His deliberation didn’t last long. He smiled and placed the tteokbokki in front of me.
“Then let’s play a game.”
“What kind of game?”
As soon as he suggested a game, I flinched and lowered my hand, which had been reaching for the tteokbokki. I wondered if he was going to suggest an enema again. I had no choice but to accept whatever game he proposed. If I refused, I would be hit or punished.
“Let’s play dominoes.”
“……Dominoes?”
“What, do you look disappointed? Should we do something else?”
“No. No, I like dominoes.”
“I like to stack dominoes when I’m in a bad mood. When they’re neatly stacked, it makes me feel better. The sound of them falling in perfect unison, the clean way they topple—it’s indescribable when they form the shape I want.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
