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It was hard to explain exactly, but he felt like his mind was somewhere else. There were many times when he wouldn’t answer immediately when spoken to.
Even now, he was quietly watching TV, seemingly unaware of Ji Seunghyeok’s gaze.
More precisely, he was deep in thought with his gaze fixed on the TV. After staying that way for a while, Jo Junghyun let out a breath as if he’d been holding it in. His unmoving, open eyes finally seemed to feel dry, and he slowly closed his eyelids before opening them again. He was slightly flustered when he realized Ji Seunghyeok was watching him.
“I-I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
“Then… did you want to say something?”
When Jo Junghyun asked this question while blinking his eyes, Ji Seunghyeok shook his head.
“It’s nothing. Sorry for interrupting while you were watching TV.”
“No…”
Ji Seunghyeok thought Jo Junghyun would turn his head back toward the TV, but instead, he gazed at Ji Seunghyeok quietly before slowly leaning his body against him. Ji Seunghyeok turned his upper body slightly toward him, as if to embrace Jo Junghyun.
“Thank you. I’m fortunate that you’re by my side.”
“Our Junghyun is thanking me for something so obvious.”
At these words spoken in jest, Jo Junghyun burrowed a little deeper into Ji Seunghyeok’s arms.
“I’m sorry for being so out of it lately.”
Jo Junghyun lowered his head so his face wasn’t visible and wrapped his arms around Ji Seunghyeok’s waist. As he pressed his body closer, he could feel the warm body temperature through the fabric.
“I don’t want to think about it… but when I come to my senses, I find myself constantly recalling it. I’m a bit strange.”
“What are you recalling?”
“…Just…”
Jo Junghyun hesitated when asked the question, and Ji Seunghyeok stroked his body.
“Those people… from that time.”
The answer was peculiar. Not “that incident” but “those people from that time.”
Ji Seunghyeok looked down at Jo Junghyun and opened his mouth.
“What would you like to happen to those people?”
At this follow-up question, Jo Junghyun raised his head. Not because Ji Seunghyeok’s question came out of nowhere, but rather because his round, black eyes were filled with the question of how Ji Seunghyeok knew.
When their eyes met, Jo Junghyun quickly lowered his face again, as if his innermost thoughts had been exposed.
“…How do you always…”
Though he didn’t complete his sentence, Ji Seunghyeok understood what he was trying to say. Ji Seunghyeok gently brushed away the hair covering Jo Junghyun’s forehead with his finger and spoke softly.
“What does our Junghyun want to do? To those people from that time.”
He could feel Jo Junghyun’s hands momentarily tighten through the fabric.
“I’m asking what you would do to those people if you could do whatever you wanted right now.”
At Ji Seunghyeok’s question, Jo Junghyun remained silent for a moment. The long eyelashes visible through his hair fluttered rapidly.
Ji Seunghyeok was truly prepared to do anything for Jo Junghyun.
If Jo Junghyun said he wanted to kill them, he would kill them all. If he wanted to cut open their intestines, he was prepared to do that for him. If he wanted them to experience the same thing, of course, that could be arranged too. If Jo Junghyun wanted to punish them with his own hands, he could put leashes on them and drag them before Jo Junghyun.
Ji Seunghyeok was willing to grant whatever Jo Junghyun asked for, with just one word.
“Just… I don’t really want to do anything. It’s not that I don’t care; that’s not it. When I remember, it does make me angry…”
Jo Junghyun raised his hand and touched his cheek and neck. As if recalling the memories of that time, he soon squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, as if trying to shake off those memories.
“It’s not something grand like forgiveness or thinking revenge would be futile. It’s not that… Actually, after returning home, as time passed, I found myself getting angrier. Why did they do that to me? Why was it me? So I imagined it. …Doing the same to those people. Dozens, no… probably hundreds of times.”
Jo Junghyun, speaking as if with a sigh, kept his eyes downcast, gnawing on his lower lip several times before continuing.
“What if I did the same to them as they did to me, or even worse? I kept thinking about it. Even when I wanted to stop, I couldn’t.”
Jo Junghyun, who had been speaking rapidly as if spewing out what was inside him, took a deep breath.
“But I didn’t feel any better. When I imagined them suffering, it would sometimes feel like electricity running through my head, and in that moment, it would feel satisfying, but when I finished thinking about it, I’d feel empty. …I started to dislike myself for feeling these emotions. I disliked myself for being lost in such thoughts for minutes at a time, and I disliked being trapped in those thoughts constantly. It felt like I as a person was becoming strange.”
Ji Seunghyeok patted Jo Junghyun’s shoulder. Jo Junghyun’s hand gently covered that hand. Jo Junghyun closed his mouth and fidgeted with Ji Seunghyeok’s fingers for a moment with his fingertips. The soft fingertips moved as if tracing over the fingers hardened with calluses. And throughout this, Jo Junghyun’s gaze remained directed downward.
“As I thought about it, I realized that even if I did the same to those people, I wouldn’t feel much better. …I don’t know, it might be different if I actually did it. But what if it turned out just as I thought? If I committed something irreversible and then regretted it, there would be nothing I could do about it at that point. I know this might sound strange, but I just don’t want to be affected by those people in any way. I don’t like continuing to spend my time thinking about them. That time is too precious. It was painful and unfair enough to be beaten, but it doesn’t make sense to let them take up more of my time. So I just want to forget about them as if it never happened, as if they never existed from the beginning.”
“You thought that…?”
“Yes, really. …But it’s not as easy as I thought.”
Jo Junghyun’s voice, which had become small as if talking to himself, carried a self-mocking laugh.
Ji Seunghyeok was genuinely impressed.
Jo Junghyun thought the time spent being consumed by them was too precious, so he was trying not to get entangled with them.
He had a realization that such a way of thinking also existed.
It was quite different from the way of thinking of Ji Seunghyeok himself or the people around him. They would repay what they received and trample as much as they could.
Being physically strong wasn’t the only form of strength.
He already knew that Jo Junghyun was the type to try to look at situations positively. The way Jo Junghyun thought wasn’t something that could be done by people who make excuses saying “what can you do about the situation” while not making any effort and giving up.
Jo Junghyun was strong in a different way than Ji Seunghyeok.
But he hadn’t expected to see this side of him so quickly after experiencing a crime where it wouldn’t have been strange at all for him to be traumatized and unable to function.
Jo Junghyun was trying to stand on his own feet. Though it was difficult, he was making efforts to get better. His resilience was remarkable.
Jo Junghyun had a more solid side to him than Ji Seunghyeok had thought. It was beyond impressive—it was astonishing.
Ji Seunghyeok gently stroked his forehead with his thumb.
“Alright. If that’s what our Junghyun wants, let’s do that.”
“But… isn’t that a bit cowardly? Shouldn’t I… properly face what happened to me? That’s what’s right. …That’s what being strong means, right?”
Ji Seunghyeok quietly caressed Jo Junghyun’s shoulder. He could feel the body that had become bonier than before due to weight loss. It hadn’t been this bad before. His heart ached with sympathy, and anger welled up against those who had made him like this.
“Junghyun.”
Jo Junghyun hesitantly raised his head.
“If it’s not for you, then it’s not. It’s okay not to think about unpleasant things if you don’t want to. If you want to just bury it and forget about it, that’s fine too. There’s nothing predetermined as the right answer. The top priority in everything is yourself. Don’t worry about anything else.”
“But…”
“You’re not putting off a report that you have to submit by tomorrow because you don’t want to do it, are you?”
Jo Junghyun nodded slightly at Ji Seunghyeok’s question.
“It’s not cowardly. It’s not about being strong or weak, and there’s no need to categorize it like that. In any way, you’re taking care of yourself. And even if it is a bit cowardly, so what? It’s not like you’re causing harm to others by doing so. Isn’t that right?”
“…That’s true, but.”
“People say you mature as much as you hurt, but while that’s a nice way of putting it, in the end, it’s about being chipped away from your original form. And being chipped away means it hurts. Didn’t our Junghyun say he hated pain the most?”
He spoke in a much lighter tone. Jo Junghyun, who had been listening carefully to Ji Seunghyeok’s words, had an expression that seemed caught between understanding and confusion, and then he firmly closed his lips once. Then he embraced Ji Seunghyeok once more.
“I can’t express how fortunate I am to have you by my side.”
“That’s my line.”
Jo Junghyun smiled slightly at Ji Seunghyeok’s response. Like an animal seeking affection, Jo Junghyun rubbed his cheek against Ji Seunghyeok. Then he carefully opened his mouth.
“Come to think of it, what happened to those people? The security guard and that old man…”
“Ah. Those people.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
