Chapter 61
Really?
Ji-won brought his hand to his mouth with a troubled expression. Suhyeon was still sitting in front of him, and since they were in a crowded café, he couldn’t raise his voice.
Suppressing his urge to rush out, Ji-won picked up his untouched coffee. Trying hard to collect himself, he emptied more than half of it in one gulp, which made his head throb. Even through the dizziness, one thing was certain: he couldn’t think about it further or deny it.
But once he accepted the truth, questions arose. Why? Why does he like me?
Was there something that happened in his first year of high school? Surely not just spending time together in the club room? For such a trivial thing? In his memory, Kwon-ju was clearly different from his noisy, smelly peers. He had been nice to him because he stood out for being small and pretty, but that was it. No matter how many times he thought back, there hadn’t been any situation where romantic feelings could have developed.
“I’m going to leave first.”
“Huh? Why? All of a sudden?”
“I forgot I had something to do, sorry. And I was the one who asked you to come.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. I got a free drink too. Go ahead.”
With Suhyeon coolly waving her hand, Ji-won turned without hesitation and left the café.
Supporting his body that felt heavy enough to sink to the ground, Ji-won took a deep breath and picked up his phone. Kwon-ju had probably gone home by now… but if he went home without seeing him in this state, he’d probably spend the whole night unable to sleep and in agony. Swallowing the sighs that threatened to escape, he turned on his screen, and immediately saw a message notification he hadn’t noticed before.
[Hyung, I have something to tell you, please contact me when your lecture ends..]
Ji-won quickly checked the time. It had been over 30 minutes since his class ended, as he’d met Suhyeon at the café. If I don’t check, he’ll call me. He hasn’t sent anything else even though I haven’t read it. Without hesitation, Ji-won opened his contacts and called.
“Hyung?”
At Ji-won’s call—the first he’d ever received from him—Kwon-ju, who was sitting on a bench in front of the Business School building, quickly supported his phone with one hand and put it to his ear. Though they had used Discord while gaming a few times, he never expected to suddenly receive a phone call.
“Did you go home?”
“No. I’m still at school, did you see my message?”
“Why are you waiting when I didn’t check it? Do you have that much time?”
“What?”
Surprised by Ji-won’s unexpected sharp tone, Kwon-ju asked in confusion. He must be really angry. Thinking it wasn’t appropriate to send a message, he had waited until after the lecture to apologize in person. Feeling suddenly scared, Kwon-ju tried to steady his breathing and said:
“I’m sorry for waiting… Where are you now?”
Why is he apologizing for waiting? Ji-won closed his eyes tightly and lowered the hand holding his phone. Why didn’t I realize it until now? He had thought it was unusual and vaguely felt like he was receiving special treatment, but he had never once considered that it might stem from romantic feelings. Never, not once.
But looking back, there were so many strange things that now made him wonder how he hadn’t noticed. In the end, it wasn’t that Kwon-ju’s kindness was just that of a nice, close junior, but rather that he hadn’t even considered the possibility.
“I’ll come to you. Where are you?”
After getting the location from Kwon-ju, Ji-won began walking without hesitation. For someone heading to face a truth he feared, he was quite determined. He had no trouble arriving at the building, but when he saw Kwon-ju turning toward him as if he had been waiting, his feet felt rooted to the ground, unable to move.
“Hyung.”
“Come over here.”
Kwon-ju tried to say something, but Ji-won didn’t wait. After dragging his taller junior to a place with no people, Ji-won stopped and released his grip.
“What were you waiting to tell me? Talk.”
“Well.”
Kwon-ju carefully began. After sending Ji-won a message, he had spent tens of minutes sitting stupidly on the bench, lacking the courage to call. During that endless waiting time, Kwon-ju had continuously organized what to say.
It seems like you don’t want to hang out with me anymore… It sounded like you wanted to keep your distance, and I felt hurt, so I unintentionally spoke rudely. I’m sorry. But I don’t think I can go to that group date… What reason should I give? You know I don’t have a partner. Amidst all sorts of thoughts, he extracted what was useful and removed what was unnecessary. He had repeated this many times, but now, standing in front of Ji-won, his mind went blank.
“I’m sorry for speaking rudely to you earlier.”
“It’s okay, I was wrong too. Is that all? Then I have something to say too.”
Though he hadn’t finished what he wanted to say, Ji-won had already taken control of the conversation, so Kwon-ju had no choice but to remain silent. What will he say? “It’s okay, but I don’t want to hang out with you anymore”? “It’s okay, but I won’t accept your apology”? All the negative responses swirling in his head turned to dust and disappeared with Ji-won’s next words.
“That day when you drank at my place, you really don’t remember anything?”
“What? I really don’t remember…”
Kwon-ju trailed off, answering with anxiety washing over his entire body. This confirmed it. Judging by Ji-won asking such a question, something had definitely happened. That morning, there must have been a reason why he had somewhat coldly pushed him out the door. His relief at seeing Ji-won act normal was apparently just his delusion.
If he had really made a mistake that day… After trying hard to cheer him up and even arranging a group date, he had said such things about how lonely he must look. Kwon-ju’s body began to stiffen, and Ji-won simply said what he had to say.
“That day, you kissed me.”
“…”
He couldn’t even respond with a “What?” It was as if someone had suddenly struck the back of his head with a brick—his head was ringing, the small noises around him gradually faded, and the face of the person he loved most became blurred. Kwon-ju learned for the first time that day that extreme shock can make your brain feel completely empty, as if it’s slipped out.
“Was it just because you were drunk and lonely? Or because you like me?”
After a long moment of being unable to collect his thoughts, Kwon-ju raised his head, his face pale. A face that anyone could see was full of certainty. It didn’t seem like he was testing him. It seemed like he was giving him a chance. To either end it as a drunken mistake or to speak honestly.
If he told the truth here, this relationship might end. Ji-won didn’t like men, and he didn’t like him. That much was certain. Being confessed to by someone of the same gender wouldn’t feel good, and in the worst case, he might look at him with disgust and tell him never to show his face again.
But to answer that it was a simple mistake… that was also terrifying in its own way. A pathetic guy who kisses anyone when drunk and can’t distinguish right from wrong. Even though Ji-won had let it go without saying much, it was essentially sexual harassment. While I stupidly enjoyed it, there’s no way hyung did…
“Aren’t you going to talk?”
Above all, he didn’t want to deny it in a situation where Ji-won seemed to have already come with certainty. And he felt he couldn’t say “I don’t like you” to that face. The feelings he had carried for four years since his immature teenage years were too big, too precious, and occupied too much of his short life to deny even to himself. He didn’t want to betray it.
“That’s right. I like you, hyung.”
He deliberately put strength in his voice to prevent it from dropping or trembling with lack of confidence. Ji-won’s face looked both thoughtless and somehow complicated.
“Actually, I had no intention of going to college.”
“…Really?”
“But you got in here… After graduation, I thought I might never see you again. I wanted to attend the same school one more time.”
The emotions he had kept to himself for four years were, of course, too overwhelming for Ji-won to handle. He came to the same school and even took the college entrance exam again because of me? Someone who was at grade 7? He couldn’t even imagine how hard he must have worked. Even raising from grade 2 to 1 was hellish, so how much effort must it have taken to pull up from scratch with no foundation?
“The game too, I did start on the same server on purpose because you said you liked it. Everything else is exactly as you think.”
“So, that means.”
“I’ve liked you since my first year of high school. I still do.”
“I…”
Ji-won averted his gaze. It was a first. Him so openly avoiding eye contact. Ji-won was usually smiling and always approached him naturally, so this distance felt like the first since meeting him.
“I’m sorry.”
The sudden apology fell. Though it was just two simple words, it felt like a house-sized meteor had fallen on his head. He hadn’t explained in detail, but anyone who wasn’t a fool could understand what it meant. Kwon-ju blinked several times. He needed to pull himself together. What should I say? His lips quivered. Should I say it’s okay? Should I say I knew you wouldn’t accept me, that I was aware of my place?
“It’s just… too sudden right now…”
Ji-won, unlike his usual self, trailed off. Seeing his effort to speak indirectly to minimize hurt, Kwon-ju could only bow his head deeply.
“We shouldn’t see each other for a while, right? We take different classes anyway…”
“Hyung.”
That’s—. He raised his head urgently, not wanting to be unable to see him at all, but Ji-won seemed to have already made his decision. His heart felt like it was dropping at the kind tone with unkind content. What more could he say when the situation was his own fault?
If only he hadn’t thoughtlessly gone along and drunk that day. He should have checked his alcohol tolerance beforehand. He had never regretted avoiding alcohol so much, having thought he would never need to drink in his life. If it weren’t for that kiss he couldn’t even remember, he wouldn’t have had to hear these cruel words.
“I’m sorry.”
“No… Why should you be, hyung?”
Why apologize twice and make someone feel even more miserable? I’m the one who confessed without knowing my place, who creepily liked you alone for years. Kwon-ju carefully hid his trembling hands behind his back. He had been so happy just to get closer, trying hard not to accidentally say “I like you,” but in the end, it was his drunken unconscious self that had caused trouble.
“It’s okay.”
If hyung doesn’t want to see my face, that’s the right thing to do. Kwon-ju desperately looked at his feet to hide his face. Again, only he was left with regrets. Coming to university after studying hard, playing the game he liked to get close to him—these weren’t enough to achieve his first love. A special junior, a friendship that overcame a two-year age gap. That’s where it should have stopped.
“I’ve been here too long. Sorry for making you wait, go inside quickly.”
Though he probably meant they had been standing there too long, to Kwon-ju’s ears it sounded different. As if telling him he’d liked him for too long and should stop now, as if apologizing for only rejecting him now.
It was all his fault. He had been hasty and arrogant. He should have answered that it was a mistake. It felt like everything was falling apart because he had dared to reveal feelings he had kept in check all this time.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
