Chapter 23
“I think I mostly watch action and thrillers.”
“…Me too.”
“Really? Then after the college entrance exam, want to go to the cinema?”
“…Yes.”
I like you.
He swallowed the words that followed. It felt like adding anything would sound strange. Even though it wouldn’t be odd in this situation, somehow saying it out loud seemed like it would trigger something momentous. Just as he had countless imaginings that the world might suddenly end today, these three simple words of affection seemed capable of creating enormous ripples in his peaceful world.
What’s the big deal about going to the movies together? It’s not his favorite place, but he could go occasionally for a change of pace. It’s not strange to look forward to visiting somewhere he rarely goes. Really. Really.
He picked at the tender skin beside his fingernail until it bled, but it felt as if he’d been anesthetized—he couldn’t feel any pain. Ji-won, seeing Kwon-ju looking dazed as if lost in thought, smiled slightly and waited patiently for him to come back to reality.
* * *
After that day, Ji-won suddenly started appearing frequently. In the hallway, in the cafeteria, going down the stairs. Constantly, at all hours. Most times he was with friends, and occasionally he was hurrying somewhere alone. That’s how he kept appearing in Kwon-ju’s line of sight.
Look, today too.
Kwon-ju stared blankly at Ji-won’s profile as he sat at the diagonal table in front of him. Finding him like this in the spacious cafeteria—isn’t that a talent too? It’s strange. He was terrible at “Where’s Waldo?” as a child.
“Why am I so bad at reading comprehension? This sucks.”
“It’s because you don’t know the vocabulary. There’s no solution except to memorize.”
Ji-won was practically burying his nose in a vocabulary book while eating. Kwon-ju had thought he was a slacker, but he was actually studying hard. He worried Ji-won might accidentally put his spoon up his nose. Wouldn’t he get indigestion eating like that?
“Hey, let’s go.”
“Yeah.”
When he realized he hadn’t touched his own food until Ji-won stood up from his seat, Kwon-ju had to admit it. It wasn’t that Ji-won kept appearing before him; it was Kwon-ju who kept turning his head to find him. Even though the senior had no idea he was there.
But reality wasn’t kind to Kwon-ju, who had just begun his first love. Two days later, after the end-of-term ceremony, Ji-won came to the club room as usual, though Kwon-ju hadn’t expected him. And he delivered some devastating news.
“After vacation ends, I’ll be too busy to come. You can use it by yourself.”
“Ah…”
Feelings of disappointment washed over him at Ji-won’s cheerful face, speaking as if Kwon-ju would be pleased—as if he thought Kwon-ju only came because he had nowhere else to go. But without the senior, there was no reason for him to come here. However, due to his expressionless face, none of these disappointed feelings were conveyed to Ji-won.
You expected this, didn’t you? How long could he spend time in the club room with the college entrance exam approaching? But honestly, it hurt a little to lose all the time they could have spent talking face to face.
“I’ll give you the key. Don’t lose it, okay? I’ll get scolded.”
“…It’s fine. I’ll be going to a prep school anyway.”
“Really?”
What prep school? He’d probably just go home and sleep. But he lied because it would seem strange if he suddenly said he wouldn’t come either. Ji-won didn’t seem to care about this either.
“Then I’ll have to give the key back to the teacher. The room will be empty except during club hours from now on.”
Ji-won looked around the clean club room, which Kwon-ju had diligently cleaned every day, and slung his visibly heavy bag over one shoulder. It’s the last day of term, so he’s leaving early. They were starting vacation together, but it seemed only he felt the regret. As he suppressed his twitching hand that wanted to hold him back, Ji-won suddenly turned around.
“Actually, I don’t have to leave for my prep school yet.”
“Pardon?”
“I could go right away, but since you’re here, I just stop by. Thanks for hanging out with me.”
Have a good vacation. His footsteps leaving the club room showed no hesitation. As soon as the door closed slightly, Kwon-ju collapsed onto the desk, breathing heavily. If there had been a mirror in front of him, he might have faced his crimson face—a sight he had rarely seen in his life.
The brief summer vacation that followed was the most boring time in Kwon-ju’s life. A month where, for the first time ever, he wished vacation would end.
But even after school started again, not much changed from vacation. Since they didn’t meet separately, all he could do was spot Ji-won passing by occasionally. Too cautious to freely message a third-year preparing for the college entrance exam, he couldn’t contact him. He just maintained their tenuous connection by occasionally handing him small snacks he kept ready whenever they happened to meet in the hallway.
“What are you thinking about these days?”
“Nothing.”
“I know you think all day long.”
His sister, back in Korea after a long time, seemed concerned about her brother who appeared to be going through puberty and kept trying to talk to him. Knowing her brother was usually a heavy daydreamer, she questioned him, but Kwon-ju shook his head again. He couldn’t tell anyone who had been filling his thoughts lately.
A feeling that grew alone inside him, secret even to its object.
Though he wasn’t taking it himself, Kwon-ju steadily counted down the days to the college entrance exam. Thus, passing through autumn—the season of early admissions—the third Thursday of November arrived.
[Good luck on your exam, sunbae]
After deliberating since dawn, he sent a KakaoTalk message with a small gift certificate. He received a reply shortly after the exam had completely finished.
[Ah, just saw this, thanks]
[Maybe it’s because of your support, but I think I did well lolol]
[Han Ji-won has sent you a gift certificate.]
Saying he thought he did well because of Kwon-ju’s support, he added a nice comment and even attached a convenience store gift certificate at the end. As always, he never just accepted things. With his face buried deep in his pillow, Kwon-ju had a mischievous thought. If he waited without using it, would Ji-won send another message before the expiration date, urging him to use it soon?
As winter arrived and the first year was coming to an end, the classroom atmosphere naturally became unsettled. While Kwon-ju was looking at the gift certificate message Ji-won had sent, displayed on his screen, the homeroom teacher emphasized the importance of this period with a deliberately stern voice.
“Soon you’ll be second-years. It’s time to start thinking about college admissions and preparing in earnest. You absolutely cannot let your guard down thinking there’s still plenty of time.”
Kwon-ju, who didn’t even listen to college admission talk with one ear, softly exhaled over his phone. Nothing had changed even after the college entrance exam. They never went to the cinema together, and he couldn’t even see Ji-won’s face anymore. The third-years only attended four periods each day before going home, and most submitted experience learning applications and didn’t come to school at all.
He’s probably busy hanging out with friends who finished college admissions together. Though he had never been chosen in the first place, he felt abandoned. As a high school student, a two-year age gap felt like an insurmountable wall. Especially since Ji-won would soon become an adult and go to college.
His pitiful one-sided love continued until graduation day. During that time, he rarely saw Ji-won’s face, and he spent his days reviewing photos and updates occasionally posted on Instagram, which he couldn’t even bring himself to follow. They exchanged KakaoTalk messages sometimes, but it wasn’t enough to fill the emptiness.
“Going to prep school again today?”
“Of course. Does the college entrance exam countdown stop just because it’s vacation?”
After the closing ceremony ended first, the first and second-years on vacation left school in droves. But Kwon-ju didn’t move. He lingered around the school until the graduation ceremony began, then secretly entered the auditorium when it was about to start.
Once again, Kwon-ju, who remarkably quickly found Ji-won among the many third-year students, leaned against the auditorium wall. This would be the last time seeing his senior in school uniform. Though he had never thought the uniform design was pretty, the navy blue suited Ji-won’s clean-cut face quite well.
…Pretty. The auditorium, with its heaters turned up too high, was stuffy and hot. Fortunately, this meant his flushed cheeks wouldn’t look strange.
“…This concludes the ceremony. Thank you.”
After staying until the graduation ceremony completely ended, his head began to spin with worry. Would there be a chance to talk to him? What if he asked why Kwon-ju had waited? They hadn’t arranged to meet or anything.
While he was worrying, the students who had received their diplomas began leaving the auditorium one by one. He tried to go out to think, but there were already too many people crowded at the doors. The population density, which made him nauseated just looking at it, made it impossible for him to move.
“Oh, Kwon-ju?”
Thinking it would be impossible to squeeze through there, he was about to slip into a corner when he heard his name, which shouldn’t have been audible. That familiar voice and intonation. Kwon-ju looked up.
“It is you.”
Ji-won, who had been about to leave the auditorium with his friends, confirmed his face and approached. His heart felt like it would burst when he saw Ji-won gesturing to his curious friends to go ahead.
“It’s been a really long time. You’ve grown a lot taller.”
He felt like laughing at the compliment, as if meeting a long-lost uncle who immediately commented on his height. He had grown about 5cm since summer vacation, but Ji-won was still taller. Suppressing the ticklish feeling, Kwon-ju stood silently and gazed at the smiling face before him. They probably wouldn’t meet for a while now. In fact, he knew. That they had never met alone, just the two of them.
“Didn’t the closing ceremony end earlier? Your friends must have all gone. Were you waiting for me?”
I don’t have friends. Despite always being alone whenever they passed each other in the hallway, Ji-won seemed unaware of his social situation. Should he say he was waiting? Or that he was here for something else? Both sounded strange.
With his mouth becoming increasingly dry, Kwon-ju stood there foolishly, unable to answer, and then impulsively opened his mouth.
“Um.”
“Hmm?”
“Your nameplate… would you give it to me?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
