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Part 4. Sugar glass
“Wait, Jaekyung. Let, let me come with you!”
An uncharacteristically flustered voice had been following Han Jaekyung from behind. Jaekyung, fighting back a smile that threatened to burst forth, deliberately curled his lips and widened his stride. Immediately, he heard hurried footsteps running after him.
“Let me come with you! Why are you in such a rush by yourself?”
“…What do you want me to do about you being so slow?”
When he deliberately spoke harshly to tease him, the other person seemed to catch on to his intention and, rather than being discouraged, simply whined, “Hmmm, wait for me,” with a playful smile.
The place they arrived at, after Jaekyung led Jang Yeonhu along saying there was somewhere he wanted to go, was the campus of the university they had graduated from. Come to think of it, wasn’t this also where Moon Yeonu had signed his contract…? After pondering briefly, Jaekyung shook his head and focused on Jang Yeonhu in front of him. Even in the midst of all this, if his memories returned tomorrow, no, even just a few minutes from now, everything would be in vain. There was no time to waste on other thoughts.
Jaekyung decided to use the time granted to him, however uncertain its duration, to make up for the years lost until now. He wanted to leave new memories, plastered thickly over Jang Yeonhu’s bad ones. He knew well that this was an ugly struggle to add weight to his side rather than Choi Eunseong’s, but what could he do? Having already made up his mind, he was in no position to be picky.
From the moment he got into the passenger seat, Jang Yeonhu had been unable to hide his excitement, asking where they were going. By the time they pulled into the campus parking lot, he looked ready to jump out before the car had even stopped. Well, if his mental state was that of a high school sophomore, it was natural for him to be excited about college life.
The university campus was bustling with people even during summer break on a weekday afternoon. Students seemed to be taking summer courses, as they hurried between buildings with books and laptops, looking busy.
Jang Yeonhu, with an excited expression, would look around here and there, but whenever the distance between him and Han Jaekyung—who never waited for anyone—grew, he would anxiously run back and grab onto his clothes.
Even during their university days, Jaekyung had always been one-sidedly taken care of by Jang Yeonhu, so this unfamiliar behavior seemed both amusing and irresistibly cute. It seemed like coming to the campus instead of anywhere else was a good choice after all.
“Come quickly. I told you there’s somewhere to go. I’ll let you explore the campus all you want later.”
“Huh? Didn’t you bring me here to show me around? Where are we going?”
“…Somewhere, anyway.”
He intended to take him to the Cultural Building where the club rooms were located. As non-students, they probably couldn’t enter the building, but there were still many things he wanted to do, or more precisely, lies he wanted to tell, even while just wandering around the area.
The only point of connection in their university lives, despite not being in the same department or even the same college, was the joint club they had joined together at Jang Yeonhu’s insistence.
The past Jang Yeonhu, who always nodded with a docile expression, had shown his stubbornness for the first time when he insisted on joining the same club. Even though Jaekyung hadn’t said he disliked it, Jang Yeonhu had followed him around from morning till evening for almost a week, begging persistently, afraid that Jaekyung might shake his head in refusal.
Was it a travel club, or a hiking club? He couldn’t remember clearly now. The crude joint club, created under the pretense of going on MT trips with female students from other schools, had its lineage cut off even before Jaekyung graduated.
It seemed Jang Yeonhu just wanted to spend time with Jaekyung and create university memories together, even if it was in a group setting.
Despite not having visited for years, the path was clear. Walking confidently, they soon approached the Cultural Building. The old, worn-out stone building slowly came into view.
“This is…”
Jang Yeonhu slightly furrowed his brow as he looked up at the old building. His expression suggested he didn’t understand why they had specifically come here, bypassing all the shiny, newly remodeled buildings they had seen at the campus entrance. Jaekyung hastily added, as if making an excuse, “This is the building where our club room was.”
“‘Our’ club room? We… were in the same club?”
“Yes. Thanks to someone whining incessantly almost every day.”
It wasn’t quite whining, but Jaekyung casually exaggerated. Jang Yeonhu, not minding such embellishments, seemed deeply impressed by the fact that he and Jaekyung had joined the same club. The puzzlement in his eyes as he looked at the old building had completely disappeared.
“Really? Is that true? We were in the same club?”
Jang Yeonhu asked repeatedly, grinning from ear to ear. Well, Jaekyung had brought him here knowing he would be pleased, but he hadn’t expected him to be this excited. When Jaekyung asked if it was that hard to believe, Jang Yeonhu nodded vigorously as if to say “how could it not be?”
“Han Jaekyung, who used to grind his teeth and threaten not to let me off easy if I bothered him while he was studying in college? Our Jaekyung, who used to pinch my cheeks and tell me not to be so persistent even when I followed him around for a year trying to get him to join the ski club with me in high school!”
…So that’s it. He had wondered why Yeonhu had clung to him so desperately when he had never even refused, but it seems there had already been a similar incident in high school that he had completely forgotten.
However, strictly speaking, his reason for not joining the ski club wasn’t just because it would interfere with his studies or because it was bothersome.
The ski club, which went on three-night, four-day ski camps either abroad or domestically every season and received lessons from professional instructors, cost hundreds of thousands of won per semester just for activity fees. It’s true that even then, he was already accustomed to treating Jang Yeonhu like a pushover, but the Han Jaekyung of that time wasn’t as shameless as he is now.
Even though he could manage his tuition himself through scholarships, he was already relying on Jang Yeonhu’s family for most of his living expenses, so he didn’t want to extend his hand that far. His uncle’s salary was woefully insufficient to cover the extracurricular activity fees of the private school he was attending.
How could he have said it? How could he have told Jang Yeonhu, who was pestering him with those clear eyes saying it would be nice to go skiing together, that he had no money? That he couldn’t afford the activity fees of a premium club that cost hundreds per semester, easily exceeding a thousand per year.
Of course, Jang Yeonhu probably wouldn’t have even understood why that would be a problem. He would have said something like, “I have money, so what’s the issue?” Not realizing that was exactly what troubled Jaekyung at the time.
He endured, gritting his teeth, but it became easier when he finally gave up and became materialistic. After announcing their breakup, Han Jaekyung brazenly took advantage of Jang Yeonhu and wielded his wealth. Any qualms about whether this was okay quickly faded.
“Ah, what a shame! But you really don’t remember anything?”
Jang Yeonhu stamped his feet in frustration at not being able to recover his memories immediately. He even spouted nonsense about whether he should go and hit his head again, which made Jaekyung jump up in shock.
“Are you crazy? How can you say such a terrible thing…!!”
“Come on, it’s just an expression, just a joke. Jaekyung, were you very scared?”
“Joke or not. Don’t ever say that again.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. Tell me more about our university days. What kind of club was it? What activities did we do? Did we stay active until graduation?”
Jang Yeonhu’s face, smiling with mischievous eyes, surprisingly looked no different from when he was twenty. It felt like the sound of refreshing water could be heard from somewhere. Jaekyung, avoiding his gaze, began to sheepishly share the story.
“It was a travel club. At least until you went to the military, we went on a few MT trips together. After you were discharged… I was busy preparing for law school entrance exams, and you were busy with your own things…”
“I’m dying of regret no matter how much I think about it. Why can’t I remember anything from college? Twenty-year-old Han Jaekyung must have been impossibly pretty.”
Jang Yeonhu’s voice, unaware of the truth, was clear without a trace of worry. After discreetly checking their surroundings, Jaekyung took Jang Yeonhu’s obviously disappointed hand and interlocked their fingers. The pouty expression while singing about his regrets immediately changed to surprise.
“Huh…? What’s this? You used to hate holding hands outside.”
“Stop regretting so much. Thirty-something Han Jaekyung is going to feel hurt.”
The wide-eyed surprise quickly melted back into a smile. Jang Yeonhu bent down to bury his forehead against Jaekyung’s shoulder, making almost groaning sounds. It was as if he couldn’t bear how lovable the Han Jaekyung right in front of him was.
Jaekyung moved slowly with Jang Yeonhu still leaning on one shoulder. It didn’t take long to reach the zelkova tree bench that was on the path from the Cultural Building to the Humanities College. Jang Yeonhu only detached himself when Jaekyung awkwardly sat down on the bench. Despite the hot weather, the large shade from the massive tree made it reasonably comfortable.
“Our university life wasn’t as great as you think.”
“…Huh?”
“That’s what I wanted to tell you by bringing you here today. Even if you look at all 4 years, this is about the only overlapping path we had… It really wasn’t much.”
“Han Jaekyung. Why are you suddenly saying such—”
“I’m not finished yet.”
Jang Yeonhu, who had always looked happy as if floating on clouds, held his breath and waited for Jaekyung’s next words. Jaekyung found his tension amusing and chuckled softly, then put a bit more strength into their still tightly interlocked hands.
“So, it’s okay if you don’t remember. Don’t be sorry or regretful about not remembering.”
“…”
“Twenty-year-old Han Jaekyung. He was a much more pathetic person than you think.”
Just love the me in front of you now, said the softly whispering voice. Han Jaekyung’s secret desire bored into Jang Yeonhu’s eardrums like a hazy poison.
“Whatever happened during the ten years you’ve forgotten… regardless of that… just, just the current me.”
“Jaekyung.”
“Do you understand what I mean?”
There was no way he could understand. If he knew how unfair Han Jaekyung’s demand was, how nonsensical and unreasonable, even the great Jang Yeonhu would surely not be able to bear it without running away.
“What do you mean ‘pathetic’? Why say such upsetting things? Whatever happened, I’m sure I loved you. And of course I will continue to do so.”
“…”
“I love you, Jaekyung.”
“…Yes. Me too.”
In the same spot where twenty-four-year-old Jaekyung had flipped through his study books and obediently eaten the kimbap Jang Yeonhu fed him, thirty-one-year-old Jaekyung successfully sold a terrible deception. The shade created by the thoughtful large palm was still peaceful. Truly, terrifyingly so.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
