<54>
Han Jaekyung and Jang Yeonhu had never gone on a proper date. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. When they were dating, it was during the time when Jaekyung was obsessed with his grades, so they never went beyond school and home, and the numerous private appointments they had after breaking up couldn’t properly be called dates. If anything, they were more like Jaekyung’s one-sided exploitation and Yeonhu’s devotion.
“Where are we going?”
That’s why Jaekyung couldn’t help but freeze up. Right at the moment when Yeonhu, his eyes sparkling with anticipation, asked what kind of date they would have.
Thinking back to when his most recent date-like date had been, all that came to mind were scenes of him being forcibly included in Jang Yeonhu and Choi Eunseong’s dates. He couldn’t think of even one restaurant he had casually taken Yeonhu to. When it actually came to dating, even Jaekyung was uncharacteristically flustered.
“Hmm? I’m asking where we’re going.”
Yeonhu, who was acting like he was younger despite being the same age, continued to shoot sparkling glances at him. Jaekyung habitually got irritable. Annoyance was the most effective shield to hide embarrassment.
“Hey, you’re the one who suggested we go on a date first, but you have no plan? How can a person be so impulsive and irresponsible?”
“S-sorry… Since I can’t remember our dates… I thought maybe there was somewhere we used to go often…”
The adolescent boy with severe mood swings immediately deflated. This wasn’t what he had intended, and Jaekyung, feeling dismayed, secretly stuck out his tongue. He had repeatedly promised himself not to treat Yeonhu like his errand boy, but the deeply ingrained habit kept popping up at the most inopportune times. It wasn’t an issue that could be overcome with willpower alone.
“It’s fine. Let’s just go for a drive. I’m not hungry yet.”
Pretending to be nonchalant, Jaekyung started the car with Yeonhu in the passenger seat, and the sullen Yeonhu quickly brightened up again.
“It’s my first time seeing Jaekyung drive… We really are adults now…”
Though it was approaching evening, the days were longer now, so it wasn’t yet time to see the night view. Jaekyung drove along the Han River toward the outskirts of Seoul. The yellowish sunset shining on the lush green foliage was quite a sight to behold.
Following the road, they also spotted a large hotel. We can have dinner there, he thought to himself.
Was it last year? While briefly in Korea, he had gone on a blind date at the insistence of a company senior that he couldn’t refuse. They had dined at the Chinese restaurant in that hotel, and the taste and atmosphere weren’t bad. The view overlooking the Han River and downtown was perfect for a date atmosphere.
“Let’s eat dinner here. The Chinese restaurant is good.”
Jaekyung said as he turned into the hotel driveway, with an unconcerned attitude that hadn’t expected Yeonhu to refuse at all.
“…Are we really going to eat here?”
His voice clearly conveyed his disapproval. Surprised, Jaekyung turned to see Yeonhu staring at him with his chin resting on one hand.
“Why? You like Chinese food.”
“I don’t like this place. …At least not the Chinese restaurant, let’s go somewhere else.”
Is my memory wrong? I don’t think he was this presumptuous even at eighteen.
Since there was no need to insist on the Chinese restaurant when they just needed to fill their stomachs, the two decided to grill plenty of meat at the Korean restaurant on the same floor.
“What was he like?”
It was around the time when the Hanwoo beef ribs were sizzling appetizingly on the grill. Yeonhu, who had been glancing around cautiously, suddenly asked that. The staff who had been grilling the meat, sensing that a personal conversation was about to take place between the two, moved their hands more busily and soon left the table with a “Enjoy your meal.” Han Jaekyung only gave his long-delayed answer after the staff had completely left.
“Who are you talking about? Speak so I can understand.”
“Sorry, sorry. I mean… the Jang Yeonhu who had been dating you until now. I’m curious about what he was like.”
The unexpected question felt like it was poking deep into Jaekyung’s lungs. Whether he knew what Jaekyung was feeling or not, Yeonhu diligently placed a piece of well-done ribs on top of Jaekyung’s rice and asked again, “Was he good to you?” He really seemed curious.
Jaekyung focused on eating first. While chewing the meat until his jaw hurt, he mentally selected his response.
“He was good to me. So good that it would be hard to be that good again.”
But despite all his deliberation, there was only one answer he could give. Yeonhu had consistently been good to him for the past ten years. If he was that good to Han Jaekyung when they weren’t even dating, it was unimaginable how far he would go for his boyfriend Choi Eunseong. So good that Han Jaekyung, who had suddenly been deprived of Yeonhu’s kindness, couldn’t come to his senses from the shock. That good.
“I guess so. We must still be meeting because he was good to you, right? I’m relieved. That I haven’t been abandoned by Han Jaekyung yet.”
His throat choked up. Despite how good Yeonhu had been, Jaekyung had abandoned him. How much it had hurt him to do so wasn’t the important issue. In the end, what mattered was the choice itself to abandon Yeonhu as a lover.
“I’m sorry. We must have built up so many joyful memories, happy moments together… And I can’t remember any of them.”
There were no joyful memories. No happy moments either. Because of Han Jaekyung who would mix bodies with Yeonhu and then nonchalantly claim he didn’t remember because he was drunk, that he had just slept with him because he happened to be there… Because of Han Jaekyung who would kiss him on his own terms but then immediately draw a line saying they were friends and run away, Yeonhu had said every day was like hell.
“But I’ll do better. I’ll remember soon. So Jaekyung, don’t go anywhere, just be a little patient with me. Just wait for me a little.”
“…”
His kind face, promising the future, was lightly tinged with shy hope. Jaekyung wanted to shout at the top of his lungs to such a Yeonhu. That he didn’t need to try to do better. That the past ten years, without a single happy moment, could be forgotten forever, and it wouldn’t matter.
“I love you, Han Jaekyung.”
The trace of first love, neither swallowed nor spit out but just held in his mouth, was sweet enough to make his teeth ache. Sweet enough to make him want to throw away all conscience and gulp it down.
* * *
> [Han Jaekyung] 1
> [Did your fingers break?] 1
> [Hey hey hey hey hey] 1
> [Call me when you see this] 1
> [I’m not even expecting a call, I’m just curious if you’re alive, so send at least a dot] 1
> [Hey, are you really ignoring this too?] 1
> [You jerk] 1
“Hmm…”
Moon Yeonu frowned as he scrolled through the chat window that had been silent for days, no, weeks. He couldn’t even remember exactly when they had last been in contact.
He had thought the emotional distance had significantly decreased after they visited his maternal uncle’s store together, but was that a hasty conclusion? While he was briefly focused on the school he had contracted with, Han Jaekyung’s whereabouts had vanished without a trace.
“Professor Moon, what are you doing! Come on!”
“Yes, I’m coming!”
This is why I hate Korean-style social life. If it weren’t for his determination to make Jang Yeonhu eat some kind of shit, he would have definitely returned to America. Moon Yeonu left one more childish message in the chat window that no one would read—”Live well and eat well”—and quickened his pace.
The professors had decided to have a dinner gathering to celebrate some anniversary of the engineering college’s establishment. The dean had specifically mentioned that Professor Moon, being the youngest among the full-time professors, was required to attend. There seemed to be no way out.
Even as he followed the group of professors walking to the dinner venue, his mind continued to think about Han Jaekyung.
He wasn’t curious about the sudden break in communication. The cause was all too clear—Jang Yeonhu’s accident, which had been splashed across the front pages of various economic papers recently.
After seeing the news about Yeonhu’s accident, he had contacted Jaekyung several times to ask if he was okay, thinking he must have been in a panic. Jaekyung had briefly responded the next day saying he would contact him later, but since then, he hadn’t even checked Moon Yeonu’s messages.
According to the articles, it seemed like a sudden accident that had led to a truly critical situation. What Moon Yeonu was worried about wasn’t the recovery state of a high school classmate with whom he hadn’t had much close interaction. He was worried that Han Jaekyung, driven mad by seeing Jang Yeonhu in a life-threatening crisis, might rush straight back to Yeonhu like a moth to a flame.
He wasn’t even curious why Yeonhu kept someone he clearly didn’t like as a boyfriend by his side, but if Jaekyung were to approach like that, Yeonhu, who had been waiting for Jaekyung to fall into his lap all this time, would open his mouth wide with delight. Was Moon Yeonu willing to just let Yeonhu have good things without a care? Absolutely not.
‘Is that enough? Go. Go and study all you want. Don’t even think about hovering around Han Jaekyung again. I was thinking about being more patient, but you’re starting to irritate me.’
The voice of Jang Yeonhu, who had suddenly burst into the convenience store where he was working part-time and said whatever he wanted, was still clear in his ears. It was the dead of night, with no customers except Yeonhu and the entourage he had brought.
Yeonhu had kindly shown him one of the many ways to separate him from Han Jaekyung, waving airplane tickets, university recommendation letters, and scholarship selection papers, saying this would be the last time they would have to face each other with red faces.
‘Surely, you, with your status, didn’t really love our Jaekyung, did you?’
The twenty-year-old Jang Yeonhu, who had examined Moon Yeonu’s shabby clothes with an indifferent gaze, dropped the documents he was holding onto the dirty floor covered with people’s footprints.
‘What are you doing? Pick them up.’
‘Ugh…’
‘This is amusing. You’re not going to pick them up? Do you even have the right not to?’
The opportunities that had fallen to the ground were too great and overwhelming to stubbornly cling to a first love he had never even confessed to. Moon Yeonu, though grinding his teeth, picked up all the papers Yeonhu had dropped, and Yeonhu left with a short sneer after seeing this. He even took a signed contract promising not to set foot on Korean soil before turning thirty.
Honestly, after going to America, he was so busy with studies and research that he didn’t have much time to think about Han Jaekyung. Even his first return to Korea after turning thirty and attending the alumni gathering was an impulsive decision upon hearing that Yeonhu would be there.
But why? His first love, whom he had met again with not-so-honorable intentions… was still foul-mouthed and still beautiful.
That’s why he feels drawn. Even though he knows the possibility of Jaekyung falling into his arms is extremely low.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
