- Commonalities of First Love (2)
Bae Dojin’s proposal would have been what he said when he handed me the bouquet on the day I left the radio show.
‘Next time we meet, I’d like to see you as a close hyung rather than just a sunbae and hubae.’
And what else did he say? I think he also suggested we drop the formalities.
The problem was that I didn’t have the confidence to do that. Just because he’s a good person and kind to me doesn’t mean I can suddenly become comfortable with him.
After hesitating briefly, I answered.
“…I’ll think about it.”
I didn’t want to reject it outright, but I couldn’t just nod and agree right away either.
“Fair enough, you might need time.”
Bae Dojin said in a refreshing voice.
“Then let’s give the choice to Seowoo-ssi. When you feel ready, you can give me a signal first.”
“A signal… Yes.”
I didn’t have a clear idea of how to send one, but I nodded anyway.
“So, Yoon Seowoo hubae-nim who isn’t yet my dongsaeng. Is there a reason why you want to give up on your unrequited love?”
Bae Dojin smiled as he added that while he couldn’t give good advice since we weren’t close hyung and dongsaeng yet, he could still offer some advice.
“I thought you were doing well, but I guess not.”
“We are doing well…”
I answered while fidgeting with the corner of my notebook.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about whether I should give up someday.”
It’s definitely a love I’ve cherished for a long time, and affection allocated solely for Na Jihan, but… Jihan himself probably wouldn’t want it.
“Didn’t Na Jihan-ssi say he would be with Seowoo-ssi for life?”
“That’s why I want to give up.”
If it had been a temporary emotion, I might have just confessed outright. Of course, I probably liked him because it wasn’t like that.
“Our relationship will continue in the future, but liking him… I lose too much compared to what I gain.”
“Hmm.”
“I’m not confident. I’m just at the stage where I think that’s what I should do.”
After speaking as if making excuses, I sighed deeply.
“If we had just been friends, nothing would have happened.”
“Liking someone isn’t a crime.”
Bae Dojin replied quietly. His voice softened a bit, as if wanting to comfort me.
“Everyone experiences love. It’s not a feeling of torment or dislike, and since he’s not someone you shouldn’t like, I think it was inevitable.”
“That’s true, but…”
But why did it have to be Na Jihan?
Sometimes I’ve thought I’d like to live like Jihan. How comfortable would it be if I could act as simply and clearly as him without having to define each piece of that enormous emotion built over time?
“Would it have been better if you liked someone else?”
I turned my head at his voice, and Bae Dojin’s face had come quite close. His neat yet somewhat imposing face captured my gaze.
“Would that be possible?”
“Why not? Though you might not relate to this, love is not inherently unique. Emotions don’t actually have such specific forms as we might think.”
“…”
“But you probably don’t want to compromise.”
For some reason, I couldn’t look away. I stared endlessly at Bae Dojin’s face, which looked quite serious.
“Is there even room for someone else to squeeze in with someone like you?”
As I listened silently to his words, I slightly furrowed my brow. Suddenly my eyes felt dry and stinging.
When I kept blinking, the space between Bae Dojin’s eyebrows narrowed.
“What is it? Did something get in your eye?”
It was just as he was about to reach out his hand toward my face, as if to check on me.
“…Huh?”
In an instant, my eye level shot upward. Someone grabbed my waist, lifted me up, and pressed their body close to mine.
I didn’t need to look back to know who it was. It was Jihan. I had asked him to look at some choreography, and it seemed he had come straight to the company building on his way back from his family home.
But I had no time to be happy about it. Jihan’s blunt voice dropped.
“Bae Dojin sunbaenim. Do you like Seowoo?”
Bae Dojin stood up, brushing off his clothes. Unlike me, who was anxious that Jihan might say something strange again, he wore a faint smile. It was a similar expression to when he saw me seeking relationship advice earlier.
“I would appreciate it if you avoided a distance that could cause misunderstandings.”
“What misunderstanding?”
Bae Dojin, with his arms crossed, asked.
“We’re both men. From the same company. We even worked together on schedules for months as sunbae and hubae. Normally, people would just think we’re close. Not abruptly ask if I like him.”
“…”
“Actually, Na Jihan hubae-nim, you’re the one who seems particularly averse to me getting close to Seowoo-ssi. Do you like Seowoo-ssi?”
If I turned my head just slightly, I could see Jihan’s face, but I didn’t. More accurately, I didn’t dare. I was afraid to read his expression.
“No.”
It seemed like something dropped heavily in my chest with a thud.
“We shouldn’t be in love.”
It sounded almost like an affirmation.
“Because you’re idols?”
“Because he’s Yoon Seowoo.”
Bae Dojin’s gaze, which had been on Jihan, turned to me. Perhaps my expression wasn’t normal, because he briefly moved his lips, but instead of saying anything, he just kept them tightly closed. Maybe he thought there was no point in a third party interfering.
“I was just trying to check because it looked like something got in his eye. His bangs are quite long.”
“…”
“It’s about time for the members to arrive, so I should be going soon. Finish the lyrics well, and if you have any questions, come find me. I’ll be at the company after buying snacks for the kids…”
He nodded to me with a smile.
“I hope whatever it is gets resolved the way you want it to, hubae-nim.”
“…”
“I’ll be waiting for your signal.”
As soon as Bae Dojin left, Jihan grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. His gentle touch brushed my hair and forehead, preventing my long bangs from poking my eyes, but that didn’t remove the stinging sensation.
“What does that mean?”
“What do you mean?”
We both flinched at the identical questions that burst out simultaneously.
“You go first.”
“I was wondering what ‘signal’ Dojin sunbae mentioned. What about you?”
“I’m curious about what you meant when you told sunbaenim that we shouldn’t be in love. What does that mean?”
“It means exactly what it sounds like.”
Jihan picked up the notebook that had fallen to the floor and handed it to me.
“Surely we’re not in love, are we?”
It sounded like he was reproaching me, as if asking, “You weren’t expecting that, were you?”
“You don’t think one kiss would change anything, do you, Seowoo? Even if we did more, my feelings wouldn’t change.”
“…”
“I know how it ended inside you, how could I do that?”
I bit my stiffened tongue gently with my front teeth a few times before answering.
“So, you’re saying you’ll do everything with me except love?”
“Is that strange?”
Yes, it’s strange. That’s what I wanted to answer.
Jihan’s affection is a mess. He can give me a lifetime, doesn’t find it strange to kiss me, and doesn’t want me to do such things with other people. Yet he insists it’s not love.
Looking at you, who gives me everything but won’t hand over the one thing I desire, I often became puzzled, not knowing whether to be optimistic or pessimistic.
Bae Dojin is right. Unrequited love makes people childish. Because I like you this much, I want you to feel the same way. I also think I’d like you to be as anxious as I am.
Jihan said love isn’t an emotion worth expecting, but maybe I actually wanted to refute that.
“Then it doesn’t matter. Whether Dojin sunbae likes me or not, whatever signal he’s waiting for from me.”
Since, as you say, your feelings aren’t love anyway.
My heart was pounding so hard it made me nauseous. I tightly hugged the innocent notebook.
“That’s true.”
Jihan, who had been deep in thought, ran his hand through his hair. Looking at him now, his appearance was quite disheveled, as if he had come in a hurry.
“I know. You can’t just live in the palm of my hand. No one’s as good to you as I am, and you say I’m your favorite…”
“…”
“I know that, but I don’t know why it makes me so anxious and irritated. I don’t feel this way with members or people from other companies, but specifically Bae Dojin…”
Jihan, who glanced at me, corrected his form of address.
“…sunbaenim bothers me.”
“Why?”
It felt like my throat was parched. My head was spinning with emotions I couldn’t tell apart—expectation, anxiety, or impatience.
“Why does it bother you?”
Suddenly I want to be childish and insist.
Maybe it’s because you like me. After all, I sometimes get jealous when I see you with other people too. So perhaps, in some corner of your enormous heart, there might be a little bit of love like what I have for you.
“Jihan.”
The question I had agonized over asking dozens of times, whether to ask or not, finally spilled out.
“What am I to you?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
