#15. Between Friends (1)
“It’s not that I’ll only use shortcuts.”
I said defensively while glaring at the innocent rolled omelet.
“Really, and if I want to be loved for a long time, I’ll have to prove it with skill. I’m going to do that. But……”
“You can choose a shortcut once in a while.”
Na Jihan asked.
“What did they say that made you change your mind?”
“They?”
“The ones who came all the way to your house.”
“Oh, the fans?”
“How are sasaengs fans? They’re just stalkers. Pretty malicious ones at that.”
Well, you couldn’t call that kind of behavior affection. As Na Jihan said, it was nothing more or less than a crime.
“They didn’t say much.”
“There’s no way it wasn’t much.”
At his look telling me to hurry up and speak, I sighed deeply and answered honestly.
“They asked what I was to you.”
“Ha.”
Na Jihan, who let out a hollow laugh, pressed his knuckles firmly against his brow bone with his thumb folded inward. It was a habit he usually showed when angry—specifically when he was angry but didn’t want to express it completely.
“I knew from early evening that they’d pick a fight, but this is…… so absurd that I don’t even feel like refuting it.”
“Those people aren’t fans, of course. I know that too, but I’m worried there might be fans who think that way.”
Of course, everyone lives being misunderstood, and it’s impossible to perfectly control one’s reputation. Still, since I chose a profession that makes a living from appearances, I thought it was right to make some effort.
“As you know, I don’t have much talent for acting. But being close, being special…… I think I can do at least that much.”
Strictly speaking, from my perspective, this wasn’t ‘pretending.’ I already had feelings for him, so it would inevitably always be real.
“I want to show that we’re close, and I want to let people know that I’m not a replacement for someone else.”
Our eyes met. Na Jihan, who had been looking at me intently, asked in a slightly hoarse voice.
“Am I the person who would be most helpful for that plan?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded my head. The other people might be fellow members in name, but they were still strangers I hadn’t known for very long. And that without any ulterior motives, plain and awkward.
On the other hand, Na Jihan and I have a relationship that needs no explanation. So if we have to do something like this, naturally Na Jihan would…….
“Fine. But not just like that.”
Huh? What does this mean?
“Do you have conditions or something?”
“Yeah, I have conditions.”
Sometimes he’d say to think about it seriously, or that he was disappointed. Now all of a sudden there are conditions?
“Only with me.”
“……What?”
“Only do it with me, that thing where you match up and rub together for the cameras.”
Of course I was planning to do that, and I had no choice but to…… but I was flustered because I didn’t expect Na Jihan to say this.
As I opened my mouth and stared at him blankly, Na Jihan popped a small piece of rolled omelet into my mouth and asked.
“What, Yoon Seowoo. Were you planning to do it with other members too?”
“No. That’s……”
“But would it work as roleplay with other people?”
His matter-of-fact voice continued.
“Hapil Jae. First of all, your faces don’t match. You’re the model student type and he’s the playboy type. Plus Hapil has even higher energy than me, you can’t handle that.”
“……”
“Then someone else, Joo Lee Seon? Different cultural backgrounds would create big emotional differences. Crucially, your tastes don’t match. What you wear, eat, watch, and listen to are completely different—what would you do while sticking together?”
“Hey. Na Jihan……”
“Ahn Haesol hyung? Hmm, this one has some possibility…… Even if there is, you’re still being shy with him. Even if you were told to develop feelings for that hyung right now, strictly speaking, wouldn’t that be closer to filial piety than love?”
At the machine-gun-like explanation, I could only manage to swallow what was in my mouth.
Roleplay. Full name, Business Gay Performance. Usually the essence of compound words is often at the end, and this case is the same.
“It’s a performance.”
Anyone watching would think you’re telling us to really date.
“I haven’t done it either so I don’t know well, but isn’t it just doing something appropriate in front of cameras?”
“Exactly.”
Na Jihan shrugged his shoulders. He seemed unaware of what was strange about what he had said.
“Don’t do it with people you’re not even close to and who don’t suit you even less—just do it with me.”
Does Na Jihan know how what he’s saying sounds to me right now?
“……Other groups too?”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan asked back as if incredulous.
“Is pansexuality your preference? I’m perfect for you, so why do you keep looking around elsewhere? Did you change your mind again? Don’t you like it?”
“No, it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just surprising.”
I smiled and joked. No, I pretended to joke.
“Anyone listening would think you’re controlling me because you like me.”
How would the straightforward and uninhibited Na Jihan react? Would he tell me not to overreact like kids our age often do? Or would he casually brush it off saying it’s not controlling but natural?
“What are you talking about.”
It was neither.
“How could I not like you? Of course I like you.”
It couldn’t help but be a magical statement. Because those words made me feel overwhelming excitement and distant disappointment simultaneously.
“You know best what kind of friend you are to me.”
That was exactly right.
Endlessly affectionate but ultimately friendship. Na Jihan takes exceptionally good care of me, but that’s warmth he can give because the line called friendship exists most firmly above all else.
‘Hey, you two seem a bit strange sometimes. No matter how long you’ve known each other, who sticks together like that like fish poop?’
‘Right. I agree too. Especially you, Naji, it’s not just once or twice that you’re an eyesore. You practically live attached to Yoon Seowoo.’
‘Be honest. Are you two dating?’
When I was hesitating without being able to say anything, afraid that saying something I didn’t mean would reveal my true feelings, Na Jihan’s firm answer.
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘Of course not, you idiot. Seowoo and I aren’t that kind of relationship. We never will be, absolutely never.’
‘Huh. Why “absolutely”…… Because you’re both guys?’
‘It doesn’t matter whether we’re guys or girls.’
Whether that sharp answer hurt, was disappointing, or stung—I’ve treasured it for a long time and looked at it often, but I still don’t know.
But one thing was clearly conveyed. Na Jihan drew a line, and he would absolutely never allow crossing that line.
‘Seowoo and I are like family. Would you date a friend you’ll see for life? Seowoo, why are you spacing out? Am I wrong?’
‘Uh…… Right. We’re lifelong friends.’
My conscience hurt quite a bit from lying back then, and now it’s become even more difficult to answer.
Jihan, you know what? Friends don’t imagine kissing each other.
But you appear in my dreams.
“I will.”
At my obedient answer, Na Jihan’s expression brightened.
“If you’re not eating more, you can get up. I’ll drive you there, so prepare slowly. Go upstairs and greet your aunt.”
“You’ll drive?”
“Yeah. Let’s take a drive for the first time in a while. Want to stop by the library on the way?”
I happen to have two books with due dates that are cutting it close. When I nodded, remembering that I had managed to put them in my suitcase, Na Jihan got up and grabbed the coat beside him.
“You tell me to prepare slowly but why are you getting ready to leave?”
“I need to go start the car early. I’ll warm up the seats beforehand for Yoon Seowoo who hates the cold, and pick out music you like too.”
He added lightly that the playlist hadn’t been updated because he hadn’t given me rides for a while.
“You could just turn on the radio or something……”
“I don’t listen to radio at the end of the year.”
Looking at his back as he left quickly, I could only figure out the reason after thinking about it for a long time.
At the end of the year there’s Christmas, and that day is our mother’s death anniversary. Because I keep wanting to cry when I hear Christmas carols on the radio, remembering that time.
“Na Jihan……”
This too must be because you think of me like family, like a friend.
How disappointed would you be if you saw me receiving all your pure affection in the most impure way?
If my feelings, expectations, and greed dare to disrupt the lifetime we’ve built together and the lifetime promised to our future.
Then would you stop smiling at me like that anymore?
“I don’t know. Let’s go before I make you wait longer.”
What I’m really sorry about isn’t that I harbor these feelings for a friend. Even knowing that you might be furious if I cross the line…….
It was because I had no intention of giving up.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
