#81
It would be nice if the heart were like mathematics. If it could fall according to formulas and be predicted through rules, perhaps half of the pain and worries experienced in life would have disappeared.
Then again, even if the solution methods were predetermined, it probably wouldn’t have meant much to someone clumsy at learning.
At first, I thought effort would be enough. Since they said time was medicine, I believed that universal panacea would cure my old chronic illness and tear down the wall between us.
Fortunately, that guy and I had spent a very long time together, and we had the stability of knowing we would continue to do so. It meant time wasn’t such a tremendous challenge for us.
However, we couldn’t overcome the mountain. Lee Chan was always disappointed by that fact, and each time, I could only worry anxiously about when the old time bomb in my heart might explode.
Thinking about it, this might have been a problem that couldn’t be solved through effort. It was a conclusion I couldn’t reach even after racking my brain for 10 years. No, perhaps I had been putting it off because I didn’t want to think that way.
But now I had to admit it.
This was an insurmountable wall. It wasn’t a problem that could be solved through effort or correction. It was because there was simply some part of us that didn’t fit together at all.
So Lee Chan and Yoo Sanho were puzzle pieces that didn’t neighbor each other. I had struggled to somehow make them fit. Twisting, turning, sometimes forcibly crumpling one corner. So I somehow forced them together and endured.
Even though it would never become the picture I was waiting for.
Time heals and fixes many things, but I didn’t want to admit the fact that it doesn’t change what didn’t fit from the beginning…
Suddenly, Jin Woohyeon came to mind. His face smiling serenely with his back to the sky. His eyes sparkling as he asked for a reward. The loving heart that poured out clearly without room for worry or misunderstanding.
Those things seemed to shine individually, saying I was different, that it could be different with me.
When he came close enough to touch, there was no fear in the tension that filled me. There was only unknown excitement, thrilling joy, and some emotion crying out not to doubt or ignore it anymore.
‘Let’s watch very slowly and for a long time, us two.’
I’m helplessly drawn to your heart that’s like a premise rather than a reward. So I want to hope. That with you, I feel like I could greet the morning I’ve been waiting for so long without any tragic resolve.
That my tattered wounds might remain just as painful nightmares rather than barriers blocking the path between us.
Not “I hope it’s possible with you,” but “I hope it’s definitely you.” That kind of feeling.
Jin Woohyeon says he’s fine with becoming shabby because of me, but I’m sick of such things now. So I wanted to wash away my old lingering attachment with his three-character name and fill my life only with better things.
Suddenly opening my eyes, pale darkness filled my vision. Seeing that it had brightened enough to make out outlines, it seemed to be near the end of dawn.
The problem was that the outline wasn’t of objects in the room, but the sleeping face of the person who had been with me all along.
We had definitely been filming until we fell asleep, and naturally our bedding was separated. He had shown his disappointment so clearly then, but it seemed he had quietly moved closer while I was asleep.
‘Even so.’
This is too close, isn’t it?
At the naturally arising memory of last evening, precisely the sense of distance at the hot spring, I unconsciously swallowed dryly.
I was rustling around trying to move away as quietly as possible when what was supporting my neck twitched. What I thought was a pillow was actually Jin Woohyeon’s arm? My remaining drowsiness fled completely in my confusion.
“…Mm.”
His other arm suddenly popped out and wrapped around my waist, pulling me close.
“Let’s sleep a little more, hyung. There’s still some time left before the interview.”
His voice was a bit hoarse, probably from just waking up. The low tone tickled my ear so much I wanted to scratch it roughly.
“You…”
I whispered after barely regaining my senses.
“Even if you turn off the camera when sleeping, how could you come this close?”
“Mm?”
Jin Woohyeon, who had been quietly looking at my face at those words, smiled.
“Ah. You were having that kind of misunderstanding.”
“What do you mean misunderstanding!”
That handsome face is right in front of my nose, so what exactly is a misunderstanding?
When I pouted my lips sulkily, Jin Woohyeon burst into laughter and tapped my lips with his fingertips.
“Sorry, hyung. This isn’t your spot, it’s mine.”
Huh? What does that mean?
When I lifted my head slightly, I could see his suitcase spread out beyond his shoulder. Last night I had left it by the door while organizing luggage, and Jin Woohyeon said he would lie down near there…
“Maybe because you were cold, you came over here in your sleep. It looked like you’d sleep on the floor until morning if I left you alone, so I called you, but you rolled all the way here.”
At his question of ‘Don’t you remember?’ I frowned. I could recall being a bit cold in my sleep, but the rest was hazy.
Wait. I felt like I could somehow remember up to him calling my name. The memory of the voice saying ‘Sanho hyung, let’s sleep?’ remained very faintly in my head, tickling.
“You came here and were tossing and turning not knowing what to do, so I asked if you wanted an arm pillow, and you quickly used it.”
“…”
“Don’t you know this either?”
“Well…”
It happened while I was asleep. So it’s something I don’t know.
It should be something I don’t know.
‘Why is it coming back to me!’
The problem was that as my mind gradually cleared, the scenes he described were slowly coming back to me.
I remained silent with my ears and cheeks turning red, then answered as if squeezing it out.
“I don’t know.”
Even knowing it was an unconvincing lie, Jin Woohyeon kindly played along.
“I see. That’s too bad.”
“…Anyway, I’m sorry for coming to your spot while sleeping. And for misunderstanding that you approached me with ulterior motives while the camera was off.”
“It’s not really something to be sorry about.”
He replied while gently arranging my disheveled hair with a soft touch.
“But it wasn’t really a misunderstanding.”
“Huh?”
I lifted my head again to look beyond his shoulder.
“This is your spot, right? You didn’t come over, I went there?”
“Hyung did come closer, but not rejecting it was indeed ulterior motives.”
“…”
“I was also curious.”
Pressing down and swallowing the embarrassment that suddenly surged up, I asked.
“Curious about what?”
“Whether you’d run away first again when you came to your senses.”
I had done that twice. When we first met, and when we accidentally met again.
Jin Woohyeon had been kind from our first meeting. Considering the kindness he showed me when we weren’t even particularly close, I shouldn’t have run away like that.
“I was rude then. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay since it’s in the past.”
He answered in a light tone while gently rubbing my forehead with his fingertips.
“You don’t run away anymore now.”
“Well…”
After hesitating for a moment, I said.
“Why would I run away? I want to be next to you.”
I had just answered what came to mind, but the response didn’t come right back. The silence that lasted longer than expected suddenly made me anxious.
So I lifted my head.
“Ah, hyung.”
The arm that had been supporting my neck slipped out, and then my whole body was pulled into his embrace as if sinking deep into his arms. It was a hug so tight that not only were we pressed together without gaps, but he put strength into it until my chest and back ached.
“Hyung is really…”
“…”
“I like you.”
Those words seeping through our touching bodies made my insides churn completely.
“I like you, Sanho hyung. I like you.”
“…Woohyeon.”
“I know your heart isn’t completely certain yet. I also know that you’re coming to me at your own pace.”
I can wait. Those whispered words were infinitely warm.
Burying my head in Jin Woohyeon’s embrace, I suddenly thought of Han Jiwon. He always divided emotions into fine details to analyze and identify them.
Is there meaning in dividing them into the smallest units to distinguish them precisely? I had thought that way before. Like Bae Taeseong said, I wondered if it wasn’t living too complicatedly.
But right now, I felt like I understood Han Jiwon’s heart. He wanted to have the most complete and pure heart. He wanted it to be affection crafted with utmost care, honorably without a single speck of dust.
So I wanted to distinguish between love and lingering attachment, separate friendship from stubbornness, and organize old relationships. I wanted to take the affection crafted by selecting only the prettiest and best things from within me, and go to you without a moment’s hesitation or shame.
After hesitating, I hugged his waist tightly. I listened and listened again to the heartbeat pounding through my whole body for a long time while thinking.
‘You were right, Woohyeon.’
We’re embracing a miracle right now.
The warmth of another person held fully in my arms wasn’t scary at all, so I wanted to cry just a little.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
🥺😭 ahh they’re so beautiful together