His impulses were chaotic. Ressas was consumed by the urge to part Seiyad’s legs and bury himself inside that soft, vulnerable place. He wanted to leave a brand on Seiyad’s soul—an unshakable imprint of himself. But he knew all too well that if he gave in to that burning desire, he’d lose all control within minutes. That was why he couldn’t even bring himself to initiate the touch that would set it all in motion.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel neglected. I just…”
In the end, Ressas couldn’t bring himself to say it. No matter how much he didn’t want to lie to Seiyad, he couldn’t reveal something so base, so shameful. He couldn’t risk being despised. That, more than anything, was something he could never allow—even if it killed him.
“I wasn’t expecting Your Highness to apologize. And there’s no need to feel guilty. I just… wanted you to know how I felt.”
Seiyad’s voice had softened. He twisted the hand that had been held gently and instead laced their fingers together, gripping firmly as he spoke his mind.
“I have desires too. Naturally, I want to be able to touch the person I love. I appreciate how careful and considerate you are with me—but there’s no need to treat me like I’m made of glass. I’m not that fragile.”
“I know. You’re stronger and more resilient than anyone, Eid.”
“Then why do you keep putting up walls between us?”
“Walls?”
“Your Highness, what kind of lovers sleep in separate rooms?”
Ressas paused, retracing what he thought was common sense. As far as he knew, outside of married couples, there was no formal expectation that lovers had to share a room. But Seiyad’s certainty was so unwavering that it made him question his own understanding. While Ressas hesitated, Seiyad continued, smoothly and persuasively.
“It’s been over a month since you came back to me. And we became lovers long before that. For a relationship that’s lasted this long, separate rooms make no sense. Especially considering your body still hasn’t fully recovered—it makes more sense for me to stay with you, to look after you through the night.”
Ever since Ressas had been able to stay awake for more than half a day, Seiyad had wanted them to sleep in the same room. They already spent every moment together right up until bedtime, so there was no real reason to say no. In fact, for Ressas, it was an offer far too generous. And yet, he was certain that the moment they shared a bed, he’d lose all control. His desire usually lay dormant, coiled deep inside him like a shadow. But once provoked, it surged forward, flooding him and drowning his reason.
Ressas wrestled with himself. Seiyad was too right—there was no arguing against him. And after seeing how hurt he’d been earlier, refusing him felt even more cruel. Sensing Ressas’s hesitation, Seiyad pressed again.
“There’s no need to hesitate. You had no problem falling asleep next to me before we were even lovers. You even napped with your head in my lap. But now suddenly you’re acting shy? That doesn’t add up.”
“That’s… that was…”
Just thinking about that day still felt like a dream. That smooth, sharply defined jawline he saw the moment he woke up, those silver lashes looking down at him—those images were still among the ones that stirred Ressas’s desire most. Remembering that undeserved, surreal night in the barn brought a flush to his cheeks and the back of his neck.
“And that’s not all. You kissed me without hesitation, held my hand, wrapped your arms around my waist.”
“That was for purification. I had to stay close to you in order to cleanse your soul…”
“So now that purification’s done, you’ve lost interest in me?”
His mind went blank. Seiyad’s words hit so hard they left him dizzy, too shaken to resist. With eyes suddenly glistening, Ressas shook his head. There was no way he could reject Seiyad when he wanted it so badly.
“No. I was just… too embarrassed. Back then, I had purification as an excuse. But now, this is entirely my own choice… I want this.”
Wanting so badly to be believed, Ressas pulled Seiyad into his arms. He didn’t notice the way Seiyad’s long-held frown finally relaxed into a smile. As Seiyad embraced him in return, arms wrapping around his back, Ressas could finally breathe again.
“If that’s what you want, Eid, then of course. I’d love to share a room. I want to be with you too.”
It would be agonizing to lie beside him and hold back, but it wasn’t impossible. Ressas had spent a lifetime enduring. He was so used to it that he had long grown numb. Bearing the pain of a slashed throat, swallowing the agony of a shattered heart—he’d done all of that until he was sick of it. Compared to that, this kind of willing restraint barely even counted.
“Then I’ll have the attendants move your things this afternoon. My quarters are much quieter, so Your Highness will be able to sleep in more easily.”
“As long as I’m with you, Eid, I’m happy anywhere.”
Hearing the warmth in Seiyad’s voice, so different from earlier, Ressas felt relieved. He held him closer, like he never wanted to let go, and Seiyad responded in kind. That strong, calloused hand gently stroked down Ressas’s back.
With only a thin nightshirt between them, Ressas could feel Seiyad’s palm clearly. Seiyad, usually a little cool to the touch, had been warmed by their closeness—and that heat against his back made Ressas hyper-aware of every sensation.
Dormant desire flared to life and surged through him. That hand, once gentle, now seemed almost needy—desperate. He imagined it clinging to him, trembling with want. The image of Seiyad beneath him, flushed and moaning in the soft blue darkness, flashed through his mind and set his body ablaze. His abdomen clenched, arousal stirring sharply—Ressas clenched his jaw and forced his thoughts elsewhere.
You have to treat Seiyad with care.
He’s the one you failed to protect. You can’t ever hurt him again…
The moment he thought it, the image of Seiyad’s blood-drenched corpse flashed through his mind. That gruesome memory, like a scar etched into his soul, had once consumed him. It wasn’t hard to recall. Ressas imagined slashing through the neck of that writhing desire and, with that, his mind cleared instantly. The evidence of his arousal faded in an instant.
“Did you eat, Eid? You skipped breakfast again, didn’t you?”
Determined not to lose his fragile grip on reason, Ressas smiled as brightly as he could. What he truly craved right now wasn’t food—it was Seiyad. But if he gave in to that craving, he knew it would only end up hurting him. Ressas wanted to wait until he was ready—until he could give everything gently and lovingly.
He didn’t know when he’d be ready—only that it wasn’t now. He hadn’t become someone capable of handling that level of intimacy. If he lost control now, he had no idea what might happen.
“…That’s quite the sudden question.”
The hand that had been stroking his back flinched to a stop. At some point, it had slid down to the small of his back, and without either of them noticing, it had found its way to his firm rear. The moment Ressas realized, it nearly made his head spin. Still, he forced himself to stay calm.
“I’m starving. I want breakfast. You must be hungry too, Eid. Let’s go eat.”
At the mention of food, Seiyad’s body gave a faint twitch. After a brief silence, he slowly loosened his embrace, eyes sweeping over Ressas with a gaze now visibly darker than before. He ran a restless hand through his hair and gave a quiet nod.
“I’ll call someone to bring something up.”
“No, let’s go downstairs. The sun’s out for once. I wonder if Cecilia or Lyley have already eaten?”
“Most likely. Which is why I still think it would be best for Your Highness to eat here in the room.”
“Just in case, let’s stop by and check. You like being with everyone too, don’t you, Eid?”
A pale hand brushed back his hair, a blue vein briefly surfacing beneath the skin before settling. Ressas, missing the subtle sign, smiled brightly—innocently, even. Seeing that smile, radiant and beautiful, Seiyad finally relented.
“Alright. As you wish.”
Ressas grew anxious. If they stayed alone in the room any longer, something would definitely happen. The moment Seiyad agreed, he turned to leave—but Seiyad caught his arm.
“Your Highness, you can’t go out dressed like that.”
“Ah.”
Only then did he realize he was still wearing what he’d woken up in. The awareness hit all at once—just how far he’d let his guard down. Flushed with embarrassment, he let out a sheepish laugh, and Seiyad reached to adjust his shirt. The black silk blouse, a loose fit to begin with, hung open around his collarbone and neck—far too suggestive, even in Seiyad’s eyes.
“It must’ve looked a little inappropriate. Would you mind waiting outside for a moment, Eid? I’ll wash up quickly.”
“Is that really necessary?”
Seiyad asked with genuine confusion, clearly not understanding the issue, which only made things harder for Ressas. As he’d feared, it wasn’t easy to hold back the overwhelming desire boiling up inside him—not when his lover looked this sweet and unguarded first thing in the morning. Smiling shyly, Ressas gently pleaded.
“It’s… embarrassing.”
And that, at least, was true. He was genuinely ashamed at the thought of showing Seiyad a side of himself that felt more beast than man. His deep voice murmured through the room like a whisper, and though Seiyad clearly wasn’t thrilled about it, he finally gave in and stepped outside.
Two idiots, horny for each other but refusing to admit it outright
Ressas made some very good points this chapter about boundaries even between lovers, despite it somewhat stemming from his piss poor self esteem