#076
“What’s overlapping here is the body. The rest is the heart. Jiwoon-Jiwoon is pink. Seo Yechan is… let’s make him black.”
“What are you doing?”
“Look, look. If you think this continues, Jiwoon-Jiwoon goes on like this until he gets a girlfriend.”
Jukyung, who had been tapping the overlapping circles, drew a straight line below them with his finger.
“It ends here. Is this right?”
Jukyung’s finger stopped abruptly somewhere. Jiwoon, who had been drinking milk, followed Jukyung’s finger with his gaze and then nodded.
“What I’m curious about is this. Does Jiwoon-Jiwoon want to become a dotted line here?”
Jukyung lifted his finger from the table. Then he drew another long line in a distant spot.
“From here until he gets a girlfriend. Then when he takes a break from dating, another stretch. And during the next break from dating too? No matter how much of a Jiwoon-Jiwoon you are, would your mental state survive?”
“Let me try ending it once first. I’ll have to see what happens after that when the time comes.”
“Hmm… Jiwoon-Jiwoon.”
Jukyung propped his chin and smiled as he looked up at Jiwoon intently. It was the expression he made when he found something interesting.
“Look here again. Here’s pink, black. Why don’t you think about pushing this more toward the center?”
At Jukyung’s words about mixing more heart into a relationship where only bodies overlapped, Jiwoon narrowed his eyes.
“Right now Jiwoon-Jiwoon is thinking about the end anyway, whether the line breaks here or becomes a dotted line and then breaks. Then wouldn’t it be better to try doing everything you want to do? It would be fine if it doesn’t work out and ends quickly after that.”
Jiwoon blinked. Jukyung’s finger was pointing out a thought he had never had before. It was a thought he couldn’t have in high school because of the situation, and recently because of inertia.
“Do what Jiwoon-Jiwoon wants. What do you really want?”
Jukyung drew a new Venn diagram. This time it was two circles almost completely overlapping.
At those words, he somehow felt like his vision had cleared. What he wanted. There was no need to think about it.
He was already struggling with the side effect called greed. Not for the sake of Seo Yechan whom he loved, but for the sake of himself who loved Seo Yechan.
That was to live loving each other with Seo Yechan.
Jiwoon blankly raised his hand to cover the lower part of his face. Jukyung was still grinning.
“We’re adults now. We can take responsibility for this one body! Then shouldn’t we try experiences we haven’t had? How about it? Doesn’t it seem fun?”
At the word “responsibility,” Jiwoon thought about failure and soon curved his lips.
As he had felt before, he was no longer afraid of failure. Just as Jukyung said, Jiwoon had already finished preparing to send Yechan to someone else.
But whether he sent him away like that or sent him away after his love was discovered, the conclusion was the same as Jukyung said. In the end, it was over.
Only then did Jiwoon realize. The thought that after sending Yechan to someone else, he could remain as a close senior was a tremendous delusion.
He was someone who had been so absorbed in wiping the doll clean after the confusing relationship called sex partners was established that he hadn’t thought about what would happen after sending Yechan away. That’s why he couldn’t properly answer Jukyung’s question about whether he wanted to become a dotted line.
In conclusion, if Jukyung was right, no matter what method he used, Jiwoon couldn’t be with a happy Yechan.
Even if he finished cleaning the doll, that wouldn’t work. Jiwoon and Yechan’s current relationship was seriously unwholesome both mentally and physically.
It was already too contaminated to coexist under the name of close hyung or close senior. He couldn’t make future Yechan recall such memories.
Happy Seo Yechan had to be unblemished. Jiwoon didn’t want to leave even a speck of dust or a single stain on him.
That being the case, if he couldn’t be helpful, he absolutely refused to become a flaw. In the end, when that time came, Jiwoon would have to voluntarily leave Yechan’s side. In other words, it was over.
At this point, it seemed better to be sent away after his love was discovered. Instead, to do this, Jiwoon also needed to act properly.
While approaching Yechan, he couldn’t stimulate Yechan’s twisted emotions further. It was something that required caution, so it would obviously be difficult.
But he wasn’t scared. He felt greedy. He wanted to give it his all.
Suddenly, goosebumps rose all over his body. A sudden desire to pour his everything into Yechan seized Jiwoon.
It was Yechan whom he loved so much. Surely that way would have fewer regrets than the method he had maintained until now. The more he poured out his heart, the more valuable that experience would be.
Jiwoon imagined Yechan rejecting his confession. “Hyung, you’re no fun now. It’s burdensome. It’s disgusting.”
Still, it would be okay. If he had poured everything out, that would be enough. He would feel relieved, and Yechan could also cleanly turn around and leave to find his own happiness.
Of course, this was also an ending… but at least it was different from a passive ending where he couldn’t do anything.
And Jiwoon was prepared to take responsibility for both failures at the fork in the road. What I want. There was no need to agonize at the crossroads.
Jiwoon wanted to try love with Yechan. If that didn’t work, he’d rather try harder.
“How about it?”
Jukyung, who had been grinning while drinking milk, patted his stomach and asked. Jiwoon thought of Yechan’s face.
If the former Yechan had human attachment and desire for Jiwoon, the current Yechan had love-hate that arose from frustrated attachment, still-existing desire, and possessiveness derived from a mixture of betrayal and ill feelings.
That was certainly a more concentrated emotion than the previous one. Jiwoon shivered slightly as he thought of the emotion at the root of that possessiveness.
But even so, hope sparked in Jiwoon’s eyes. He could see a gap he could dig into. Moreover, the current Jiwoon had something that his former self didn’t have, which made it even more so.
That was time spent with Yechan. Suneung, high school. There was no longer any countdown set by the world.
So now the only thing that could separate them was the two of them. Jiwoon let out a hollow laugh. Without knowing it, the world was overflowing with freedom.
When he actually opened one more eye and looked, the conditions surrounding them were quite good. The two were together. Their relationship was intimate, close, and secret.
And most importantly, the person Yechan liked wasn’t by Yechan’s side.
Jiwoon’s heart raced as he finally objectively recognized the changed situation. His thoughts gradually expanded. Jiwoon kept rubbing his lips.
Jiwoon imagined the white doll in Yechan’s hands growing bigger and bigger. The doll, which had become much larger than Yechan’s body, would surely be able to embrace Yechan tightly and make him happy…
Thinking up to that point, Jiwoon’s brain naturally drew the next sequence. His brain cells began looking for ways to transform Yechan’s emotions.
The synapses that had been lying around powerlessly, stretched out with despair and guilt, seemed to connect. Thoughts continued endlessly. Jiwoon’s eyes sparkled.
It was an expression Jukyung genuinely liked. “Ah, Jiwoon.” Jukyung smiled broadly and covered his mouth.
“It seems doable.”
“Have you decided?”
Jiwoon nodded. His task was determined. First, he had to straighten out Yechan’s twisted obsession and make him love him.
Jiwoon collapsed the tunnel that had been inside him. Sunlight poured down over the broken tunnel.
There was no need to change particularly. What he had to do from now on was action of a similar nature to what he had been doing. He just had to shine more and pour down more.
Jiwoon decided to pour out the love he had been spilling to clean the doll, now to seduce Yechan instead.
“Right. Be brave, Jiwoon-Jiwoon!”
“Yeah.”
Jiwoon mustered courage. He had completely finished preparing to lose Yechan. At the same time, his effort to win Yechan began.
Jukyung, who had been watching the grinning Jiwoon, got up with a relieved expression. It was time to go back now.
But then, as if something occurred to him just before leaving, Jukyung stopped walking. He turned around quickly and tilted his head as he spoke.
“But Jiwoon-Jiwoon, come to think of it, it’s been a while since we hung out. Let’s go on a trip with the guys this summer.”
“We’ll see.”
“You’ll go? I knew you would.”
Jukyung, who slyly avoided Jiwoon’s eyes as he stared at him silently, grinned and opened the door.
“You’ll want to see him.”
“Go. And thank you.”
“Kyaa, Jiwoon-Jiwoon!”
At the words of gratitude rarely heard from Jiwoon, Jukyung’s eyes widened. Then he smiled brightly and hugged Jiwoon.
Jiwoon hit Jukyung’s back with a thwack sound and finished seeing him off.
Jukyung’s footsteps as he left the corridor of Jiwoon’s house were light. His lips had no intention of coming down.
Jukyung, who started his car while humming, shivered slightly as he pictured Jiwoon’s form that would become more complete.
His arrogant king who had rushed to uncharted territory had been merely pushing up the monster while abandoning himself until now.
But from now on, it would be different. He would emerge from the deep swamp, take the monster’s hand, and pull him up. Since love was overflowing at Jiwoon’s feet, Jukyung could be certain of him.
Jukyung, thinking of Jiwoon’s destination that wasn’t far off, raised his arm. His lips, which had gently touched the bracelet jingling on his wrist, curved in an arc.
Whether the result was light or darkness, Jiwoon would become the master of his destination. As always.
Indeed, Jiwoon was interesting and good when he was spirited like that. Jukyung sent quiet reverence to his king for a moment.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
