#043
[Jiwoon hyung.
This is the letter I promised to write before, but I think it’s too late. Are you doing well? I’m the same every day.
How are your studies? Hyung is such a smart person that you’ll easily ace the Suneung.
These days I go home alone on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The guys leave as soon as evening study session ends, saying they’re having something with someone or got girlfriends.
Kim Minho is still in the “something” stage, but Oh Taehyun finally got a girlfriend. I guess people don’t start dating in the order they meet.
On my way home, I think about hyung a lot. After the Suneung ends, hyung will go home early, so I’ll have to go alone from now on.
Still, when I walk while thinking about the conversations I had with hyung, I arrive home quickly. I kept praying to the night sky for hyung to do well on the Suneung. So it’ll go well. Don’t stress too much.
Thinking about it, becoming close with hyung was really lucky. I was sorry for making you scrape your knee though. Your leg is okay now, right? Don’t get hurt.
Anyway, if I hadn’t fallen that time, we wouldn’t have made such good memories, right? Other kids said hyung was scary, but honestly, I was never scared of hyung. Rather, I was surprised at how well we communicated.
I have some rough edges, but hyung always didn’t mind and understood me, which was nice. Thank you for always treating me comfortably.
Ah, and I was able to manage stress well because hyung was there! Though hyung seemed to have a hard time. Actually, I still want to kiss hyung every time I see you.
So I’m going to have Han Seungwoo deliver the gift and letter. Don’t feel too burdened by what I said. It’s natural, right? I can control myself well. Probably?
Anyway, from now on I’ll try to be a dongsaeng who’s considerate in other ways. Thank you so much. I’m writing this letter during evening study session, so I think I’m a bit intoxicated by the night’s mood. But it’s sincere, so I’ll leave it as is.
Hyung, I thought of something else I want to do with hyung after the Suneung ends. Let’s go to the sea. Just the two of us! How about Sokcho this time? Since hyung worked hard, I’ll prepare everything.
So hyung just bring yourself. We’ll have fun and sleep holding only hands. I’m serious.
I’ll end it here. Maybe because it’s been so long since I wrote a letter by hand to someone, it’s a bit embarrassing. I’ll write the remaining two pages later.
Hyung, I’m cheering you on once more. I miss you. Let’s meet with smiling faces in a month.
Seo Yechan.]
“Ah……”
It was his favorite handwriting. From the moment he read the first line written in neat handwriting, tears that had welled up flowed like rain. Sob, ugh. Sounds naturally escaped from Jiwoon’s mouth.
“Fuck, really……”
Jiwoon kept cursing. The image of himself that Yechan saw was bigger than he had thought. The fact he had been trying to avoid was clearly revealed on the letter. Yechan’s emotions, connection, dependence…… were stretched out to him like threads.
The pit he thought was a grave he had dug for himself alone wasn’t his alone. On top of it, now flatly filled and turned into ruins with dirt, blood, and tears, Yechan was trembling with a small body.
Jiwoon struggled with his own cowardice. Lee Jiwoon was abandoning Seo Yechan right now. He was running away.
Jiwoon burst into tears. And for a very long time, he continued crying loudly like a child who didn’t know how to stop crying.
After crying for a long time, Jiwoon folded the letter and put it in the envelope. He opened the drawer, stuffed the letter deep inside, and washed his face in the bathroom.
Looking at his own eyes in the mirror, he harbored the courage to be false instead of the courage to be truthful. He slowly chewed and swallowed his heart that was tattered from failed unrequited love, and forcibly extinguished all the fire remaining in his heart.
The heart with only ashes left was empty. Jiwoon carefully filled that place with malice.
He had to make Yechan jump out of the ruins on his own.
* * *
“Hey, they say the atmosphere in Class 2 of the third-years is no joke these days.”
During evening study break time, Taehyun casually said to Yechan. Yechan, who remembered that Class 2 was Jiwoon’s class, shifted his gaze from his book to Taehyun.
Minho also made a puzzled expression. Taehyun continued in a lowered voice.
“They say Lee Jiwoon hyung is fucking sensitive. If anyone acts even slightly annoying, bam.”
Taehyun made a gesture of slitting his own throat with his thumb.
“I don’t believe it. Would third-years really do that to each other?”
Minho said while scratching his head with his mechanical pencil. Yechan silently rested his chin on his hand.
Taehyun’s words lacked credibility. The rumors surrounding Jiwoon being brutal weren’t new, and moreover, the Jiwoon that Yechan himself had experienced wasn’t such a person.
However, the next day at lunch, witnessing what happened in the cafeteria, Yechan had to doubt his own eyes.
“Whoa.”
With a bang, a food tray rolled on the floor. Startled, Taehyun dropped the spoon he was eating with. Yechan, who was eating across from Taehyun, frowned at the loud noise and turned his head toward the back where the sound came from.
Someone’s food tray was overturned on the floor. Among the crowd standing around it, he saw a familiar back view. It was Jiwoon.
Suddenly Jiwoon’s arm swung up in the air and struck someone sitting down on the head.
“Ah! Ahhh!”
Yechan’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe the scene unfolding before his eyes. Thud, thud. The sitting person’s head spun around as it was hit by Jiwoon’s hand.
The raw violence was cruel. Students who didn’t know such sounds came from hitting a person’s head were busy holding their breath in shock.
Finally, blood burst from the nose of the person who was sitting. After hitting a few more times with blood on his hands, Jiwoon raised his hand once more with an indifferent face, but Jukyung grabbed him from behind.
While Choi Min, who had turned pale, helped Jukyung, Kyungjun pulled the sitting person from their seat and took them outside the cafeteria.
“Hey, fuck, what the hell!”
Taehyun, who had been swallowing his breath the whole time, whispered in a greatly lowered voice.
“I guess the rumors were true. I’m fucking scared. Right now.”
Yechan, who had been staring blankly at the scene, suddenly stood up from his seat. Minho grabbed Yechan’s arm.
“Let go.”
“If you go now, you’ll get involved. That’s school violence. You can’t.”
At Yechan’s sudden standing, surrounding gazes focused on him. Taehyun, who had quickly stood up, pressed down on Yechan’s shoulders. Yechan tried to shake his arms to push both of them away.
But it was insufficient to overcome the strength of Taehyun, who was pressing Yechan down with the momentum of almost climbing over the table, and Minho, who was quite large. The two desperately held onto Yechan.
“Hey, no! The hyungs are going! Seo Yechan, sit down a bit. Please.”
Yechan only relaxed his body after seeing Jiwoon, Jukyung, and Choi Min leaving the cafeteria.
His head was spinning. As Yechan stared blankly at where they had gone, Minho got up and said.
“It doesn’t seem right to eat. Should we go out for now?”
“Yeah, it’s fucking creepy. Right now.”
As students got up in a rush, the three also cleaned up their seats together. The cafeteria became very noisy in an instant.
Several girls were crying, apparently shocked. Seeing that, Yechan gathered his complicated feelings. Sounds of cursing Jiwoon could be heard from here and there.
Yechan bit the inside of his mouth hard. He felt upset and sad for no reason. He missed Jiwoon.
“Lee Jiwoon!”
Choi Min, who had chased after Jiwoon, raised his voice unusually. Jiwoon silently headed to the rooftop. Jukyung walked alongside him.
Recently, Jiwoon had been particularly sensitive. He was like the Jiwoon from last winter. If anyone made even a little noise during self-study time, he would throw books and kick desks, and today he finally hit someone.
Of course, the kid who got hit was particularly noisy. Still, that was absolutely not something worth getting beaten up like this for.
During lunch, a male student was shouting at the top of his lungs and chattering with all kinds of curses mixed in, and Jiwoon frowned. And as soon as he stood up, he threw the food tray.
Jiwoon’s pale face was very menacing as he struck the male student’s head several times as if he would crack his skull. Jukyung shuddered as he recalled the expression on Jiwoon’s face while he was hitting someone.
It was excessive. Choi Min, who had been grinding his teeth, contacted the secretary who looked after Jiwoon’s affairs.
“It’s been a bit severe lately.”
Jukyung spoke to Jiwoon, who was crouching down with a completely distorted face. Jiwoon didn’t answer. Instead, he asked Choi Min, who soon came to the rooftop and locked the door.
“When are you sending someone?”
“Now. Before that, they want you to go to the homeroom teacher and turn yourself in.”
Jiwoon nodded as if he understood. Choi Min, who let out a deep sigh, continued.
“If it’s too bothersome, you can study at home until the Suneung. Do whatever’s comfortable for you. But if you’re going to be at school, don’t act like this. We’re all exam students.”
Jiwoon tilted his head to one side and stared intently at Choi Min. It was the expression that came out when something didn’t please him.
“We? Since when have I been ‘we’ with you?”
“Jiwoon.”
“Perfect. Just fuck off. I was sick of you tattling about me to grandfather anyway.”
“……Jiwoon.”
If Jukyung and Choi Min were saying this much, it was a success. Lee Jiwoon out of control. Before overturning the food tray, Jiwoon, who had confirmed Yechan’s back view, thought the timing was good as he looked at the male student making pig-slaughtering sounds and squawking.
And everything that happened after flowed exactly as Jiwoon had thought. He had already anticipated that Choi Min would call the secretary and what that secretary would say.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
