#042
Yechan buried his head in Jiwoon’s nape and rubbed his own head against it. There were less than 50 days left until the Suneung.
Only then could the cause of what had moistened Jiwoon’s eyes be easily guessed. The summer cold, September mock exam, and even the festival. In the midst of all this chaos, he had been shortening their time together every time they met, so it was natural for such words to come from Jiwoon’s mouth.
Yechan blamed himself for being impatient about their relationship that didn’t have much time left and lacking consideration. His chest felt stuffy for some reason.
He felt strange. Yechan, who had been frowning for a moment at that feeling, imagined watching movies and going to cafes with Jiwoon. Then the stuffiness in his chest cleared up.
“Hmm… Then last week was the last time. Thank you for everything.”
The moment he heard those words, all strength drained from Jiwoon’s body. The unpleasantly throbbing sound of his heartbeat filled his eardrums.
The soil in the grave that had swallowed blood cackled and mocked Jiwoon. Jiwoon, who had been momentarily dragged into the soil, suddenly grabbed hold of his mind that was about to become dazed.
“I was… grateful too, Yechan.”
He put strength into his legs that kept trying to give out. Jiwoon pulled Yechan into an embrace and stroked Yechan’s back several times with his eyes closed.
His warm, solid, upright, and pure white love. Jiwoon filled his lungs with Yechan’s scent and stepped away.
“I probably won’t be in touch much.”
“Yes. Don’t worry about anything and just focus. Hyung will really do well.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll keep cheering you on. Let’s hang out after it’s over. Not that kind of hanging out, but watching movies, going to arcades, cafes… Ah, I want to go to an amusement park too. Play with me.”
Jiwoon didn’t answer. Instead, he cupped Yechan’s cheek and pressed their lips together firmly before pulling away. Jiwoon, who had been absorbed in Yechan’s eyes that looked at him with hope, closed his eyes and opened them again.
Jiwoon smiled with only love. It was a smile that could finally be completely honest at the very end.
Seeing Jiwoon’s smiling face, Yechan’s heart dropped with a thud. At the unfamiliar sensation, Yechan just blinked blankly.
“Take care.”
Jiwoon whispered while pressing his lips against Yechan’s, then lowered his eyelashes and turned around. Tap, tap, in Jiwoon’s hands as he quickly went down the stairs was the cotton candy that Yechan had given him.
“Ah…”
Yechan, who had been standing there dazed for a moment, sat down right there on the landing floor. His heart was pounding frantically. Jiwoon’s smiling face kept circling before his eyes. Yechan clenched and unclenched his trembling hands.
Jiwoon’s eyes looking at him were like the night sky. In that brief moment, Yechan felt like he had seen a meteor shower falling in the vast, deep, and wide night sky.
Yechan raised his hand and touched the corners of his mouth. He was smiling brightly. His heart continued to beat frantically. Something was racing through his entire body. It seemed like the sparkle in Jiwoon’s eyes had transferred to him.
Yechan, who stood up after a long while, thought he wished the Suneung would end quickly. Yechan grinned and ran down the stairs.
* * *
It was his first time having a one-sided love for someone, and his first time ending that one-sided love by himself.
The weekend after the festival ended. Jiwoon turned his room upside down. It was because Yechan’s traces were everywhere – on the walls, floor, bed, and even on his desk.
Even after opening the windows and finishing cleaning, Yechan’s traces stubbornly clung to Jiwoon. Jiwoon moved busily. He changed the bed sheets and threw away all the empty shopping bags he had stored in his drawers.
After working hard for a while, it seemed to get a little better. However, when he tried to relax, emotions surged up again. In the end, Jiwoon chose the path of overworking his body.
He focused frantically on exercise for a couple of hours. Only then did fatigue rush over his tired body.
Jiwoon, who entered the bathroom to wash, cursed again. He thought of Seo Yechan again. There wasn’t a single place in this house where Seo Yechan hadn’t stayed.
Still, weekdays were somewhat okay, limited to the classroom. Yoon Jukyung, who had been watching Jiwoon, called him to the rooftop. Jukyung, who had heard the general story, comforted Jiwoon in his own way.
Isn’t it an experience worth having once in life? At Jukyung’s consoling words, Jiwoon chuckled.
An experience. Yes, after time passes, he might be able to say it was a good experience. Even in the classroom, Jukyung lifted Jiwoon’s spirits with appropriate jokes.
As always, stupid Kyungjun’s trivial personal stories also served as good time-killers. Jiwoon talked with Choi Min about Suneung question types and studied by himself.
Jiwoon didn’t leave the classroom unless absolutely necessary. Of course, even so, he did see Yechan’s back a couple of times in the cafeteria eating with his friends. And those days became days when Jiwoon couldn’t finish his meal.
When the weekend came again, Jiwoon woke up early in the morning, finished exercising, and played music loud enough to make his room shake. While immersed in problem books listening to music that rang loudly in his ears, he didn’t think of Yechan’s face.
However, when eating, when sitting on the sofa to rest and turning on the TV, when lying in bed to sleep… Each time, Jiwoon trembled with anguish.
He missed Seo Yechan. He really missed him so much. Jiwoon opened the messenger app. There had been no contact from Yechan since the festival.
Without realizing it, Jiwoon scrolled up through the messenger and read his messages with Yechan. Then he stared at Yechan’s photos for a long time, but in the end couldn’t delete anything and turned off the screen.
The night was quiet. Jiwoon, who had stayed up all night chewing over longing, regret, and pain, could finally fall asleep only after dawn had almost passed.
And the next day, Jiwoon called his father. His father seemed surprised that Jiwoon, who rarely called first, had contacted him.
However, at Jiwoon’s words that he would go to England where his father was immediately after the Suneung ended, his father was quite happy. Even as he nodded at his father’s words to not worry and just study since he would return to Korea with his mother around the time of the Suneung and take care of all the preparations, Jiwoon’s heart only grew colder.
That’s how Jiwoon barely endured the time without Yechan while crushing his own flesh. The soil greedily devoured the blood that came from the crushed flesh.
Before long, the grave was quite filled. Jiwoon poured out all his remaining blood so that the soil would never collapse again.
And he set fire to it. The fire that burned all of Jiwoon’s body and mind slowly died down.
Beside the flames that were still burning red, there were plenty of blackened scars and ashes left from the burning. The day would come when the fire would be completely extinguished and all the debris would be cleared away.
That’s how mid-October arrived. It was one month before the Suneung.
“Yoon Jukyung, Lee Jiwoon. Someone’s looking for you guys in the hallway.”
During lunch time, the third-years who had finished eating poured every single minute and second into studying.
At someone from the same class’s whispered words, Jukyung got up from his desk. When he opened the back door, Han Seungwoo was visible.
Jiwoon-Jiwoon. At Jukyung’s call, Jiwoon also got up from his seat. He had just finished organizing one problem.
“Hello, hyungs. You’re busy, right?”
“Why did you come here, you bastard?”
At Seungwoo’s words, Jiwoon replied bluntly. Seungwoo laughed and held out shopping bags, one each.
“Today’s one month until the Suneung. This is from me to our Jukyung hyung, and this is from Seo Yechan to give to hyung.”
“Wow~ As expected, only my dongsaeng is the best. Thanks. I’ll make it big and go on a date with Seungwoo.”
“Buy me something expensive.”
“Sure!”
Jukyung, who had responded cheerfully and received Seungwoo’s shopping bag, also took the shopping bag that was said to be from Yechan into his hands. Then he suddenly held it out to Jiwoon.
“Here.”
Jiwoon reluctantly took the shopping bag that Jukyung was offering. The small shopping bag had the logo of a chocolate brand that had now become like a promise between the two of them.
More trash. Jiwoon was thinking such thoughts blankly when he discovered a letter envelope inside the shopping bag and stiffened.
“Tell him Jiwoon said thanks too.”
“Yes! Then I’ll be going. Hyungs, really fighting!”
At Jukyung’s words, Seungwoo vigorously raised his clenched fist and then quickly ran away and disappeared. Jukyung patted Jiwoon’s back and entered the classroom.
“You still have to accept that much, right? I did well, didn’t I?”
Instead of answering, Jiwoon’s face was haggard as he sighed.
“Jiwoon-Jiwoon, you’ve been sighing way too much lately. If you keep sighing, you’ll die early. If Jiwoon-Jiwoon dies, will you let me receive the insurance money?”
“Yoon Jukyung will become rich overnight.”
Jukyung, who had made a joke, smiled brightly and sat down. Jiwoon didn’t open the shopping bag and just shoved it into his desk drawer.
However, the shopping bag in the drawer persistently gnawed at his nerves. On Friday night, Jiwoon finally couldn’t stand it and stuffed the shopping bag into his backpack.
And the weekend came again. Exercise, eat, study. Jiwoon, who was going through his own routine that had formed at some point, one by one, had his eyes rest on his backpack.
Suddenly he thought of Pandora, who was said to be the first woman. Fuck, this is why Pandora was ruined too.
Jiwoon, who had been grinding his teeth, eventually opened his backpack and took out the shopping bag. He immediately threw the chocolate into the trash can. Then he opened the beige letter envelope and a single letter came into his hands.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
