Chapter 200
“That’s absurd. I’m not that kind of strange person. I didn’t have those kinds of feelings then. No, I never had such feelings, such sensations. I never even thought about liking you. When I first brought you to this house, I had no feelings at all. I was just waiting for the opportunity to send you abroad quickly.”
Yoo Siwoon protested with unusually heated tones.
“Why are you overreacting so much? If it’s not true, it’s not true.”
“You’re misunderstanding me as some kind of pervert, that’s why. I feel wronged. It’s really not true.”
“The age difference is still the same now, you know.”
Eunseong licked his lips, which Yoo Siwoon had tried to steal a kiss from. His red tongue flicked out, licked his lips, and disappeared. Yoo Siwoon’s gaze naturally fell on those lips, glistening with saliva. Fearing he might tilt his head again and try to kiss him, Eunseong covered his mouth with his hand. Seeing this, Yoo Siwoon exhaled in disbelief.
“So what did you say to me back then?”
Eunseong asked again, telling him to stop joking and seriously tell him about what happened then.
“…It was getting dark and you were playing outside late, so I asked why you weren’t going home, if you weren’t scared.”
In Yoo Siwoon’s memory, the ten-year-old Eunseong overlapped with the real Eunseong sitting in front of him now. His once-round eyes had become delicate, and his chubby cheeks, though still retaining traces of baby fat, allowed one to vaguely imagine his childhood face. Even as a child, Eunseong had looked like an angel straight out of a painting.
“What did I say then?”
“…”
“What did I say?”
“…You said you were waiting for your mother, that she would come to pick you up soon. You told me that if I had any bad intentions, I shouldn’t even dream about it because your mother was coming.”
“Ah…”
Eunseong tried to remember himself at ten years old. His eyes, now pitying that young Eunseong, quickly became cloudy. Having never seen his mother, the existence of “mother” had become a lump of regret in Eunseong’s heart, turning into tears at the slightest touch.
Those words had hurt Yoo Siwoon then and were hurting the current Eunseong now.
As if Yoo Siwoon knew exactly how he was feeling, he carefully wiped Eunseong’s cheeks, which had tears streaming down them, as if to comfort him.
“You were so strong-willed, which made my heart ache even more.”
“…”
“That’s when I felt I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect you from anyone, including myself. I wished for you to live happily.”
Wiping his tears with the back of his hand, Eunseong asked resentfully. His nostrils had turned red.
“If you were going to take me in, you should have done it sooner. Why, why… did you come for me only after I’d grown up? You knew my father was hitting me. It was so hard back then. Life was so difficult. It was so miserable.”
Eunseong found the timing of Yoo Siwoon’s coming for him peculiar. Because of Lee Joon-seung’s words that Yoo Siwoon had deliberately waited for Eunseong to mature, to grow enough to bear a child, he had doubted him more. He couldn’t trust him, and the fact that Yoo Siwoon had treated him like a breeding vessel made him feel like he was falling into an abyss. The betrayal and disappointment he felt then tore his body and mind to shreds just by recalling it.
“Nineteen is an age where you could go abroad and be independent.”
“…Not because you were waiting until I could have a baby?”
“I didn’t like you that way back then.”
Although one doesn’t need to like someone to have a baby with them, Yoo Siwoon said he didn’t have such feelings at all at that time, so he couldn’t even make such an assumption. And that was the truth. It wasn’t a sexual attraction. There was more of a feeling of pity and sympathy, and though it might be shocking for Eunseong to hear this now, Yoo Siwoon had disciplined himself more coldly toward Eunseong, believing they should not be entangled.
“But if you didn’t like me, why did you always keep your distance? You’d avoid me and run away if I got close, keeping your distance like playing tag. You’d use tongs to put a wet towel on me to avoid touching my skin. As if you’d catch some contagious disease if you touched me. If you had no feelings, there was no need to make such a fuss.”
“…Because I might grow to like you.”
“…”
“To avoid liking you. Because I shouldn’t like you. If we touched… if our skin touched, I was afraid of what I might feel.”
Eunseong probably couldn’t imagine how much effort Yoo Siwoon had made not to develop feelings for him. He might think Yoo Siwoon was crazy if he told him that he had beaten his private parts until they bruised whenever such thoughts occurred.
“It was all futile struggling, though.”
He finished wiping away Eunseong’s tears. With the same hand that had wiped his cheeks, he cupped Eunseong’s face. Eunseong stared back at Yoo Siwoon, whose eyes were intensely wavering as he looked at him anew.
He tilted his head and approached. Eunseong quickly turned his face away. Yoo Siwoon stopped mid-motion, half-tilted toward Eunseong.
For some reason, unlike yesterday, Eunseong was tactfully avoiding a kiss, any substantial contact.
“Ahjussi, have something to eat. You must be hungry.”
“…”
“I’ll… I’ll go get something to eat too.”
Removing the large hand cupping his cheek, Eunseong subtly retreated and stood up. He left Yoo Siwoon’s room, leaving him watching silently.
Even then, Yoo Siwoon was still leaning forward toward the place where Eunseong had disappeared. Though everything seemed resolved yesterday, something in Eunseong’s heart didn’t seem to be fully settled yet.
After a long while, Yoo Siwoon moved his body back and sat leaning against the headboard. He stared vacantly at the door through which Eunseong had disappeared, his head lolling back against the bed’s headboard.
∞ ∞ ∞
“Shall I bring a wheelchair?”
After the weekend, Director Nam asked as he opened the car door, noticing that Yoo Siwoon’s movements seemed even slower.
“It’s fine. I won’t be walking much anyway.”
“Yes, then we’ll depart.”
After waiting for his legs to fully enter the back seat, Director Nam closed the car door and headed to the driver’s seat.
“Did you have a good weekend?”
“It was alright.”
“I heard from the staff that only you and Eunseong went out. Why didn’t you contact me?”
Director Nam subtly asked if he had driven himself with that uncomfortable leg. In the rearview mirror, Yoo Siwoon was staring out the window with a troubled expression.
“Eunseong has forgiven me.”
“What?”
Though the question “That quickly?” was deleted, it was an inquiry full of doubt.
“No, not forgiven, but he said he’d find a way to forgive me. But it seems like he’s halfway forgiven me already.”
“Eunseong has made a big decision. Congratulations.”
“When I told him to leave, he got angry instead. He asked if I was telling him to disappear now, after all this.”
“I think that’s understandable from Eunseong’s perspective.”
He was glad he hadn’t interfered in their affairs. Couple’s quarrels always ended up being futile in the end.
As Yoo Siwoon’s hospitalization period extended, there was that much more time to think. Especially for Eunseong, it seems what he needed was time to reflect on what had happened to him and the reasons behind Yoo Siwoon’s actions.
“But for someone who’s been half-forgiven, you don’t look very happy.”
“…No, not really.”
There was no energy in his straightforward admission. As the signal changed, Director Nam stopped the car at the intersection. Yoo Siwoon’s expression was as dejected as his spiritless answer.
“I don’t think you expected to be fully forgiven in just a few days. Did something happen?”
“Something did happen.”
Yoo Siwoon wondered if he should tell Director Nam all these trivial details. Lately, Director Nam hadn’t been nagging him, which probably meant he had realized from the recent incident that his interference in matters with Eunseong wasn’t particularly helpful.
Just thinking about how Director Nam had tried to help Eunseong escape abroad made him want to snap his neck, but he tried to understand rationally that from Director Nam’s perspective, he had no choice. It was patience born from knowing that Director Nam’s care for Eunseong and concern for himself were more than sincere.
Director Nam looked back curiously as Yoo Siwoon stared at the back of his head.
“What’s wrong? What happened that’s making your expression so grim?”
“Is my expression that bad?”
“Very bad.”
“You observed correctly.”
“…Did I make some mistake?”
“No, nothing like that. The signal has changed.”
Yoo Siwoon gestured with his chin, telling him to stop paying attention to him and look ahead. The traffic light had changed to a go signal. The car moved forward again.
“If you tell me what’s wrong, I’ll look into it.”
He meant he would check on Eunseong’s feelings. Director Nam had also cleared up the misunderstandings about Yoo Siwoon. Although his crime of trying to secretly send Eunseong away was significant, without Director Nam’s help, it would have been impossible to be even half-forgiven by Eunseong as he was now.
“He rejects my touch.”
“…Eunseong does?”
His hand on the steering wheel slipped. The car swerved out of the lane before returning.
“Eunseong avoids me. I wonder if I should be grateful that he’s not slapping my face…”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
