Delusive Fate 160

#160

Lee Han-sol recalled the words Ki Baek-woo had repeated all day.

‘I only have hyung. You know that. I’m a pathetic bastard who can’t do anything without hyung. But if hyung is with me, I can do anything. Hyung can just use me however you want. If you want to trample me, trample me, if you want to hit me, hit me. I’ll do anything hyung wants. If you tell me to kill them all, I’ll kill them all. Hyung just needs to stay with me. Then I can really do anything, I can even die. Really, if you want, I’ll jump from here right now. I can really do anything if hyung just stays with me…’

Ki Baek-woo said he could endure anything as long as Lee Han-sol was there. Because he was the only value in his life. All his survival instincts and sensory circuits were connected to him, and without him there was no himself either, and if he suffered, he would fall into fear that seemed impossible to overcome. But that… was the same for him too. Lee Han-sol hated seeing Ki Baek-woo hurt and broken. Whether outside or inside, he couldn’t leave him to get wounded. It was like that before, and it’s like that now. The words that he didn’t care whether Ki Baek-woo lived or died were now powerless lies that couldn’t even exert force anymore.

Since Ki Baek-woo spouted the nonsense about following him to die twenty-five times, there hadn’t been a single moment he didn’t worry. Lee Han-sol had nightmares and always felt nauseous dizziness. But even stabbing his throat countless times, nothing would come up – that maddening feeling continued. So he never wanted to see Ki Baek-woo getting hurt from rampaging recklessly in raids again. He wanted Ki Baek-woo to always be fine.

So Lee Han-sol had to take good care of Ki Baek-woo for his own well-being too. Just follow what Choi Tae-hyun does. He thought that way, so before turning off the hospital room lights, he sat on the edge of the patient bed and asked.

‘Ki Baek-woo, don’t you want to be happy?’

His fingertips, full of hesitation, carefully caressed Ki Baek-woo’s face as if brushing against it.

Ki Baek-woo held Lee Han-sol’s hand that touched him and buried his right cheek in it. There was no hesitation in his answer.

‘No… I’m already happy, hyung…’

‘Happy?’

‘Hyung is here… It feels like I died and came back to life.’

It feels like I was buried alive and then rescued. I’m so happy it feels like a dream. I wish time would stop like this.

Lee Han-sol looked awkwardly into space at the different answer than he expected. He had hoped for just a simple ‘yes’, but a different response came out, making him a bit flustered. To say what he learned from Choi Tae-hyun, this wouldn’t work… After thinking for a moment, Lee Han-sol just blurted out anything.

‘No. Ki Baek-woo, you’re not happy right now.’

‘I’m happy. I’ll make hyung happy too, I’ll do anything… Don’t go anywhere and keep staying here…’

‘No. You’re unhappy right now.’

Ki Baek-woo only blinked his moist eyes at Lee Han-sol’s half-hearted gaslighting. He didn’t give any answer. As if whatever he said was right.

‘Ki Baek-woo, do you know what the basic conditions for happiness are?’

‘Hyung.’

‘No, something other than me.’

Still holding Lee Han-sol’s hand tightly, Ki Baek-woo quietly shook his head as if he didn’t know. Lee Han-sol spoke with a somewhat condescending attitude.

‘One, eat well. Two, sleep well. That’s it. Got it?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So Ki Baek-woo. From today on, you absolutely have to eat well and sleep well. Cooperate without complaint.’

If Choi Tae-hyun saw this, he might sneer saying birds of a feather flock together, but anyway, Lee Han-sol decided. Absolutely make him sleep well, absolutely make him eat well. From personal experience, there wasn’t a single wrong thing in what Choi Tae-hyun said. Was meeting Choi Tae-hyun to learn such things, he thought absently as he turned off the lights and lay on the guardian’s cot.

‘Hyung… good night.’

Ki Baek-woo whispered in a low, cracked voice.

‘Yeah, you too.’

‘Mm-hm.’

‘Don’t answer and just sleep. Close your eyes.’

‘Yeah…’

A lot had happened during the day, and Lee Han-sol felt drowsiness wash over him the moment he closed his eyes. Maybe he was tired from crying, getting angry, and kissing too much. If not that, it could actually be because all the tiresome things were finally over. Now there was no need to worry about anything anymore, and since Ki Baek-woo was beside him, there was no need for forced lies either… Lee Han-sol fell asleep unusually quickly, and thought he vaguely felt a gaze.

Hyung is too kind… that’s why I keep getting greedy, I shouldn’t do that… sorry…

Ki Baek-woo’s hushed whisper scattered without reaching his consciousness. Until then, Lee Han-sol thought everything would be fine. Until he opened his eyes for no reason around four in the morning.

‘…Ah!’

Lee Han-sol looked around the dark surroundings with a hazy mind, then suddenly screamed in shock at the lump he saw beside him. He almost threw a punch without knowing, but barely stopped his arm at the familiar feeling. Lee Han-sol once mistook Ki Baek-woo, who was crouched leaning against his bedroom door while he slept, for some strange entity and beat him up.

‘Sorry, did I wake you…?’

‘Ki Baek-woo?’

‘Yeah. Sorry for startling you… want some water?’

Lee Han-sol vaguely took the water cup Ki Baek-woo quickly handed him and asked.

‘What are you doing on the floor instead of sleeping?’

‘Ah… just.’

‘What do you mean just? What are you doing on the bare floor when there’s a perfectly good bed?’

The guardian’s cot Lee Han-sol was lying on was so low it was almost at floor level. And Ki Baek-woo was lying facing Lee Han-sol like that. In a position where their eyes would meet the moment Lee Han-sol opened his. So in other words, he had abandoned the perfectly good bed and was crouched lying on the cold, hard tile floor. When Lee Han-sol questioned this absurd situation, Ki Baek-woo hesitated for a long time before answering.

‘Sorry.’

‘For what?’

‘I couldn’t sleep well…’

‘You couldn’t sleep well so you were lying on the floor?’

Ki Baek-woo answered before Lee Han-sol could question the connection between sleep and the floor.

‘Yeah.’

‘You still can’t sleep well?’

Lee Han-sol, who had been hesitating, added in a somewhat reluctant tone.

‘…Even with me here?’

After saying it, belated shame washed over him, but he trusted the darkness and pretended nothing was wrong.

‘Ah, it’s good that hyung is here, really good. Of course it is since it’s hyung. But… that’s…’

‘Don’t fidget and speak properly.’

Ki Baek-woo sat on the floor and hesitated for a long time. Perhaps nervous, he clasped his hands together and fidgeted. As if trying to lie, he started several short beginnings like ‘it was hot’, ‘wanted to exercise a bit’, ‘rolled and fell’, then quickly said ‘no’ and closed his mouth repeatedly. He seemed to dislike both lying to Lee Han-sol and telling the truth.

When Ki Baek-woo finally opened his mouth, his voice flowed out so quietly it was barely audible.

‘Sorry, it’s just… I was a little anxious…’

‘Anxious? About what?’

‘Today felt too much like a dream…’

‘A dream? That story again?’

‘But what if it really is a dream? I keep… feeling like hyung won’t be there when I close my eyes and wake up.’

So I was watching. In case hyung goes somewhere. Sorry for doing something weird.

***

If I look away for a moment, it feels like hyung will disappear like bubbles. If we’re apart even briefly, it feels like you’ll evaporate in that time. I’ve wanted this for so long that it doesn’t feel real. I won’t do it anymore.

Lee Han-sol couldn’t scold Ki Baek-woo for saying such things. Ki Baek-woo was pulling his lips into a smile pretending otherwise, but his anxious and restless mood couldn’t be hidden. He had been following him around everywhere all day, whether to the bathroom or anywhere, and thinking that was all because he was afraid I might run away like this made him feel a little sorry. No, sorry my ass, what did I do wrong? Such feelings suddenly raised their head, but Lee Han-sol’s pathetic instincts were much stronger than that.

He felt sorry for Ki Baek-woo’s complexion as he forced a smile, and felt pity for Ki Baek-woo who kept repeating excuses like ‘I trust hyung, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I believe everything hyung says, but just… that’s how I feel. Sorry…’ It might have been even more so because he remembered pushing him away telling him to wait obediently at home while he did the overdue raids, then running off to District B just like that. Because it seemed like that was why Ki Baek-woo kept saying he trusted him. Eyes driven by the compulsion to believe despite being unable to trust.

So that day, Lee Han-sol eventually pretended he couldn’t win and lay on the cramped bed together with Ki Baek-woo.

‘Just for today. It’s uncomfortable, sleeping like this.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Give me your hand. I’ll hold it. I’m not going anywhere.’

‘…Can I hug you?’

‘Will you sleep without complaint if I let you?’

‘Yeah…’

Saying ‘okay’, Lee Han-sol moved a little closer to Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo hugged him as if he had been waiting. It was a gesture close to binding him. It was uncomfortable and annoying, but Lee Han-sol endured without saying much this time too and closed his eyes. Because he said he would sleep if allowed to do this. He answered so nicely, surely he wouldn’t lie again? He rationalized inwardly and fell asleep again.

But Ki Baek-woo didn’t sleep. The next day was the same. When Lee Han-sol noticed unfamiliar red bruises on Ki Baek-woo’s arm, he began questioning him with a sinking feeling. Ki Baek-woo tried to brush it off vaguely, but eventually gave in to continued questioning. Hearing that he had bitten, twisted, and clawed at his own forearm to wake himself from sleep, creating a ruckus, Lee Han-sol felt like he was going crazy. Because Ki Baek-woo didn’t show such attitude only toward sleeping.