#158
In front of Ki Baek-woo, who stood up hurriedly in his shabby and pitiful state, Lee Han-sol’s loose sense of reason collapsed far too easily. Once that happened, he suddenly felt angry about the fact that he was here. He felt wronged, empty, and like he was at such a disadvantage.
Why only me.
Why always only me.
Such thoughts stickily covered his mind. Lee Han-sol couldn’t help but be swept away. It was ridiculous that he still had pride left even in this state, but those pathetic remnants raised their heads disgracefully like crumbs.
Someone tell me. Why do I always have to be like this? Ki Baek-woo, tell me. Why do I always lose to you? Why do I have to lose again?
His wicked feelings multiplied instantly.
I always gave up. I yielded everything and backed down. I threw myself into the mud alone. For the first time since things got this bad, I had something I wanted to do. I was determined to see Jung Yi-dam crawling on the ground begging me for mercy, determined to beat that bastard at least once.
‘Look at this. I ended up giving up even that and came here. I lost again.’
There was nothing Lee Han-sol hadn’t given up on until now. There was no need to look back. From dignity and pride to his heart and life. He had put down everything he could put down. Because he had no choice.
‘But what have you given up?’
Baek-woo, what have you given up? Look at this, I’m here in front of you now. It turned out the way you wanted. Isn’t this too unfair? Fucking hell. I’m going crazy from the injustice. Lee Han-sol stood facing him with a few steps between them, speaking inwardly to Ki Baek-woo who was looking at him like a phantom.
So just this once should be okay. I want to trample you at least once too…
Despite being a defeated soldier with nothing, Lee Han-sol held his head up stiffly. His thin body that barely avoided looking wretched thanks to his natural frame, his ruined appearance that would make more sense if he just died right now. Glaring straight at Ki Baek-woo who was rusting away as if to show Lee Han-sol, he shouted recklessly.
You did this knowing I’d come running like this, you’re still treating me like a sucker, you think I’m still an idiot who acts like the world is ending over one scratch on your body. You selfish, disgusting traitor bastard!
Even knowing it wasn’t true, Lee Han-sol drove Ki Baek-woo as he pleased. The sense of defeat he ended up feeling again because of Ki Baek-woo, the inferiority complex that he ultimately couldn’t screw over Jung Yi-dam even once. Pushed by those things that filled his head red-hot, he spoke whatever came to mind.
Ki Baek-woo, you find me funny, so easy it’s boring. You see me as an incurably stupid idiot who, despite being tortured, starved, and violated like a slave for over ten years, still prostrates and begs the moment Ki Baek-woo is brought to me. Of course, considering how you’ve vilified me all this time, yet I’m still here. Are you satisfied? This is what you wanted, are you happy?
Lee Han-sol was bluffing. Like a wild animal puffing up its fur to appear larger, despite being pathetic, he smirked as if he was something special.
Don’t be mistaken, Ki Baek-woo. I’m done with you. I’m not that Lee Han-sol who gets flustered over one of your scratches. I’m not here because I’m scared and worried about your death show. I’m not that kind of sucker idiot anymore. You’re in big trouble. No matter how much you cling from now on, I can’t go back to how things were. I’m completely broken because of you. No matter what struggle you put up, you can’t fix this.
So the old us that you miss is gone forever.
While spouting such words, Lee Han-sol felt disgusted with himself. He felt sorry for Ki Baek-woo who was frozen stiff, unable to even blink. Every time he threw out sharp words, it felt like wounds were forming inside his mouth. But he couldn’t stop, because the moment he stopped, it seemed like all the weak feelings he’d pushed into the corner would rush forward claiming it was their turn.
I had such a hard time because of you. Why did you do that to me? How could you do that to me? I hate you to death. If you really like me, if nothing has changed at all, then tell me you love me until I can believe it. Keep saying it until I’m not angry anymore…
It felt like he would cling to Ki Baek-woo’s arm and whine like an idiot. He didn’t want to become that pathetic. Having such conflicts while ignoring the predetermined answer was pathetic in itself, but Lee Han-sol pretended not to know this fact. He endured like that. Trying to endure until the end, determined never to say anything like he liked him.
But Lee Han-sol only felt it once more.
Nothing in this world goes the way he wants, and that goes for his body and heart as well. Like this habit of still wanting Ki Baek-woo and hating it madly when Ki Baek-woo gets hurt.
So Lee Han-sol lunged at Ki Baek-woo.
Ki Baek-woo constantly saying he was sorry seemed to be gouging at his insides. With his appearance of being completely unable to handle his own thoughts and emotions, constantly begging that he was sorry, Lee Han-sol wanted to slap Ki Baek-woo’s cheek. He wanted to drag him down from the bed, throw him on the tile floor, get on top of him and beat him with his fists until his jawbone broke. He wanted to do that until his already beaten face became pulp, unrecognizable as Ki Baek-woo or anything else.
But since he absolutely couldn’t do that, he substituted his raging violence with kisses.
What did you do wrong? What exactly are you begging me for, saying you did something wrong? Is it your fault things turned out like this? It’s not our fault that you and I ended up like this… It’s all because of the damn system…! So what are you begging me for, stop being servile, did I raise you to be like this? I raised you so preciously, and you’re like this…!
Because of Ki Baek-woo saying he was sorry for being born, sorry for being born and meeting and loving him, Lee Han-sol exploded with rage. He felt like screaming like a madman and smashing everything in the hospital room. If you split open his chest, the inside might have been burned black.
Lee Han-sol sucked Ki Baek-woo’s tongue as much as he was in agony. He swallowed saliva and raised his tongue tip to ransack the inside of Ki Baek-woo’s mouth. Thirst arose. The hopeless feeling of being isolated somewhere that had tormented him ever since the system started moving. Lee Han-sol acted as if he wanted to resolve that terrible loneliness by entering Ki Baek-woo’s mouth.
Kissing and kissing, clinging as if they wanted to erode each other, Lee Han-sol suddenly recalled Choi Tae-hyun’s words.
‘Han-sol, think of your greater happiness rather than others’ small misfortune. You’re someone who deserves to be happy.’
Right, I want to be a little happy now too… To be happy, I need Ki Baek-woo. I need to kiss Ki Baek-woo until our lips swell.
So Lee Han-sol ultimately surrendered.
Crying loudly because he hated having to surrender, feeling miserable about this feeling of being completely bound to Ki Baek-woo. The moment Ki Baek-woo embraced him, wondering if all the pain he’d felt until now had been some kind of device prepared for this moment’s satisfaction, feeling foolish about himself for thinking such things. Lee Han-sol repeated his humiliating surrender.
“Ki Baek-woo… stop clinging to me. I’m tired now…”
Lee Han-sol, who had been holding Ki Baek-woo for quite a while, pushed him away feeling that his body heat was getting uncomfortably warm. The thought followed that in the end, from beginning to end, he hadn’t gotten back at anyone. Still, it was a little more bearable than at first.
“Just a little… hyung, hold me just a little longer…”
“What more holding? Do you know how many hours we’ve been like this?”
“Please, I still can’t believe it… just a little more…”
Because shameful pleasure was surging from Ki Baek-woo, who burrowed into his embrace as if no amount of hugging was enough. Lee Han-sol felt helplessness, emptiness, and distant ecstasy all at once, lying down as if pushed back by Ki Baek-woo’s weight. He lay on the patient bed with Ki Baek-woo covering him like sushi, thinking. This Ki Baek-woo was just like a big dog that couldn’t consider its own weight and jumped on its owner.
It had been a long time. He had never once thought that he would have to deal with Ki Baek-woo pushing forward without considering his size again, that such a day would come again. Right, this was how it used to be. Lee Han-sol had such thoughts with fresh realization.
The feeling of Ki Baek-woo’s embrace was always this heavy, overwhelming, with a crushing sense of pressure… it was stable. Like the blanket Choi Tae-hyun had wrapped him snugly in. In the comfortable fatigue, Lee Han-sol quietly looked at the plain hospital room ceiling.
It’s all over. It’s really all over…
Lee Han-sol finally realized it. There was nothing more for him to worry about. Not Ki Baek-woo, not revenge, not death… nothing.
Now he just had to wait for what came next.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
