#4
We always had a clear hierarchy between dominant and submissive.
I always looked only at Lee Chan and went straight ahead, but Lee Chan was different. He had nothing to regret about me, and his world was overflowing with curious and fascinating things besides Yoo Sanho.
‘But you like me, don’t you, Sanho?’
Knowing I would force myself to smile at those words. Knowing I would be the one to reach out first no matter when or how things turned out.
So Lee Chan was often, no, quite frequently neglectful of me. When he wasn’t in the mood, he always pushed me to the back burner, and when there was someone he liked, he would meet them without a care.
When Gam Seonghan would jump up and down telling him not to cheat, Lee Chan would say this in his characteristically shameless tone instead: What’s the big deal, it’s just for a moment. I’ll come back to Sanho. I just need to treat Sanho better.
Ridiculously, I liked hearing that, so I kept my mouth shut and just waited for Lee Chan to return. The fact that I was still a corner he would return to – what was so good about that?
“I know.”
You don’t really like me that much. Rather than Lee Chan loving Yoo Sanho, he was just… comfortable with Yoo Sanho.
“I know too. I know, I said.”
If my existence had been precious to you, if you had been careful in how you treated me, if you had been sorry to me, if you had wished I wouldn’t get hurt – you wouldn’t have done the actions that made you who you are.
I wasn’t very important to you.
To me, you were as important as the world.
“How could I not know that…”
Our relationship was like a seesaw that didn’t move. I was always at the bottom, and the heavier my heart became, the higher you went.
Is that love? If you asked that, I’d have nothing to say. Because I couldn’t answer. Rather, I wanted to ask. Could this also be love?
“…I was just being stubborn.”
The end of our love that I had never once wished for had actually been waiting for us – no, for me – for a very long time.
But I had no choice but to insist. That I still love you. That I can’t forget you. That I keep you in my heart.
Because if I removed my feelings for Lee Chan from myself, it seemed like there would be nothing left of me.
Because there were as many moments I endured with that one feeling as there are lights out there.
So I just kept Lee Chan in my heart like inertia, like a habit, and like stubbornness.
“…”
Walking frantically, I found myself at the main road before I knew it. On the big road where cars whooshed by on 8 lanes, all kinds of noise were mixed together chaotically.
If it wasn’t for the interview, I would never have come here alone. Just looking at the cars passing by in lines made me feel cold sweat flowing down my spine.
It was especially cold today. Not only my knees but my ankle bones ached with a sharp pain. I did my best not to limp, but eventually lost strength and dragged my left foot.
I thought about taking a taxi but gave up. With so many big and small expenses these days, I couldn’t afford such luxury. In this aspect too, my fate was utterly pathetic.
“But what can I do.”
Lee Chan, it’s something you asked for – how could I refuse that?
But even this would be natural to you. You probably wouldn’t even be curious about how I feel, and it would just be bothersome to you.
Something surged up inside me. I quickly lowered my head. I didn’t want to cry unsightly on the street. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to cry…
“…Ah.”
Thud, I bumped into something like a wall and was pushed backward. My body, which had been swaying after losing balance, was caught. It must have been a person, not a wall. Large hands held both my shoulders and steadied me so I wouldn’t fall.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I…”
When I raised my head, I felt the moisture that had been welling up in one eye disappear. At the same time, a round tear rolled down my cheek with a plop.
“Uh…”
A man who seemed about a span taller than me was looking at me with a flustered expression.
“You don’t seem okay. Are you hurt somewhere?”
“I’m fine…”
Before I could finish speaking, tears flowed from the other eye again. The timing was really unfortunate.
The face of the person who didn’t know what to do became blurry. Once the dam broke, tears began pouring endlessly. My head knew this wasn’t the right situation, but my body wasn’t cooperative at all.
“Um, excuse me. Excuse me. Did I… did I make you cry just now?”
“Hic, huu… hic, uhic. Huuung.”
“I’m sorry. Um… did it hurt? It seemed like a gentle bump… no, I’m sorry…”
“Huuuung.”
The hands that had been holding my shoulders came up and rubbed my cheeks and around my eyes. They were firm and warm hands. At the touch that carefully rubbed away the moisture, the tears that had been painfully pooling inside began pouring out.
Maybe I had been hoping for someone, anyone, to look into my sadness like this at least once. Regardless of how much the other person knew or didn’t know me, whether we were close or not, whether we had loved or not.
I think I just wanted someone to wipe away my tears with their body heat.
“…What should I do.”
Of course, this was my situation, and the stranger must be quite troubled.
It was a bit surprising though. It was something he could have just ignored and passed by, but the man didn’t leave my side. He rubbed my wet eyes several times, rubbed the round part of my cheek with his thumb, and even bent down to face me.
I wondered if he knew or didn’t know that this made my heart weaker, made me want to cry more.
From the man’s fingertips came a scent like dawn earth after rain had stopped.
“Don’t stay here like this, let’s go inside somewhere. It’s really cold today. Your lips are blue right now.”
“Huu…”
“Can you follow me?”
He carefully grasped my wrist and pulled. I moved my steps following him as if enchanted.
You can just leave me and go on your way. I rolled those words on the tip of my tongue and swallowed them. I liked the kindness of a person whose name I didn’t even know. It was truly the first time someone had fussed over me like this. Thanks to this selfish satisfaction, the sadness that had been painfully swelling my heart seemed to subside a little.
He took me to a cafe on the first floor of a large hotel building. While I cried like a broken faucet, I was seated in a corner chair, and a pleasant low voice settled by my ear.
“Do you want to drink coffee?”
I shook my head. If I had caffeine at this time, I would stay up all night.
“Um, then without caffeine. Is milk okay?”
I nodded.
“Should I make it sweet?”
How do you make milk sweet? Maybe he means adding sugar. I nodded anyway.
“Do you like chocolate or caramel?”
Either one was fine…
“Is vanilla better?”
That would be better. When I lifted my head slightly, the man smiled.
“I’ll get that. Don’t go anywhere, stay here.”
The man moved away and then came close again. I didn’t specifically lift my head to check, but I just felt it. It seemed to be because of the pheromones he wore like a large coat.
Is he an alpha? From the scent like weather after rain that had carelessly rubbed off on his fingertips, more cool and soft lingering notes emerged. Even while sniffling, thinking it was comfortable and nice showed that I must have gone a bit crazy from sadness.
“Can you drink this?”
The action of placing his hand over mine holding the mug, as if worried I might drop it, was quite affectionate. I just stared blankly down at the warmed drink.
There are people like this too. People who bring you to a warm place, buy you a drink, and tell you not to cry without even knowing what happened. Lee Chan just threw me a handkerchief telling me not to cry in front of cameras and left.
It seems that spending time and pouring your heart into something doesn’t necessarily make it a good relationship for me. It was deflating.
“My whole life…”
I said while tears kept dropping. He was crouching on the floor looking up at me.
“I loved someone my whole life and it ended in an instant. I hate them to death but they still appear in my dreams. My whole heart is collapsing like this, but that person is frighteningly fine.”
No answer came back to the lament I muttered. But he was listening to my words. I could be certain of that.
“I don’t have confidence I can forget well. The happy moments in my life were always with that person, and now it’s so strange that they’re not… I don’t know why I have to be this sad. I’m only guilty of loving earnestly. I accepted everything. I could really endure anything as long as I could just be by their side…”
As sniffling sounds continued intermittently, he gently stroked my back. At the ambiguous gesture between patting and stroking down, my unseemly heaving breath gradually calmed.
After calming down a bit, it became possible to drink the beverage. He still placed his palm over the back of my hand and helped me drink. It was an attitude like treating a child about ten years younger, and while it was a bit embarrassing, it wasn’t entirely bad.
“You can meet someone new.”
He said in a calm voice.
“You don’t look much different in age from me, so let me presumptuously say this.”
“Huuk…”
“I acknowledge that it’s hard to forget if you’ve lived looking only at one person your whole life. But there are more days to live ahead.”
He whispered while rubbing around my eyes with his warm hand.
“Meet a good person. Okay?”
“To me, huung, that person was a good person.”
“A bastard who makes you cry like this doesn’t seem like a good person.”
I, who had unconsciously leaned my cheek against his palm, raised my head.
“…How do you know it’s a bastard?”
Then the man’s face came clearly into my vision.
He was a handsome man with a solid impression that even gave off a somewhat intimidating feeling. Below his distinct eyebrows and sharp eyes, jet-black pupils were gazing at me without wavering.
A clear handsome man who wouldn’t divide opinions. That’s exactly what I was thinking.
The man raised one corner of his mouth and said.
“You’re an omega, aren’t you?”
“…”
“There’s no way alphas would have left this face alone.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
