#143
‘Ki Baek-woo… aaah, no. I really don’t want to think about him a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z one-two-three-four-five-six…’
Lee Han-sol has almost developed a phobia of Ki Baek-woo. He dislikes Ki Baek-woo. Hates him. It’s natural. Any normal person would resent someone who only betrays them.
To be honest, Lee Han-sol thinks that if there’s anyone who still can’t let go and continues to pine after being hurt more than two or three times, that person should be declared legally incompetent. This was a thought he had while watching his favorite infidelity exposure programs. He can’t count how many times he cursed at those stories of people who forgave a cheater only to be betrayed again, and then forgave them again only to be betrayed once more, thinking, ‘If you’re that deficient, you deserve what you get, tsk tsk tsk.’ Being that kind of person, Lee Han-sol couldn’t possibly have any lingering feelings for Ki Baek-woo, who had screwed him over twenty-five times.
There was no way he could have any.
That’s why Lee Han-sol had been trying so hard not to think about Ki Baek-woo. Thoughts race around like an untrained dog, digging up carefully buried feelings. They retrieve what he had hidden beneath a hard shell where no one could find it.
‘I hate Ki Baek-woo. I despise him. I detest him, and I’m sick of him.’
He says it out loud and thinks it inside.
He has to.
Now that this situation has arisen, Lee Han-sol couldn’t pretend anymore. This moment was hell—when he didn’t want to admit that he had never completely come to hate Ki Baek-woo, but was forced to admit it because the situation left him no choice. This is why he had been trying so hard to avoid thinking about Ki Baek-woo. Because he knew this would happen. Because he had been secretly sensing it with his instinct for detecting danger.
But how perverse fate is—in front of Lee Han-sol, who had been concealing his thoughts by drawing strange pictures or stacking Legos, it finally placed Ki Baek-woo. So that he would be right before his eyes even without thinking about him.
Poor Lee Han-sol, your efforts are commendable. Your struggles are so admirable that I shall grant you a reward.
As if mocking Lee Han-sol like that. It’s horrific. Lee Han-sol found himself disgusting and revolting for not being able to completely let go of Ki Baek-woo all this time. It gave him the creeps. He truly felt like vomiting, so he covered his mouth with his hand.
It makes no sense. If his heart is this worn out, if he’s so broken that he can’t even remember what he used to be like, shouldn’t it be time to let it all go? Is it normal to still have lingering feelings? No, it’s abnormal. It’s obsession, compulsion, paranoia. It’s just idiocy.
‘After all my efforts. After all my suffering… To get rid of just one Ki Baek-woo, how much time I…’
Lee Han-sol groaned at the unfairness rising in his throat. His eyes grew hot. It was the moment when all his efforts, his pain, his determination became worthless in an instant. He felt his already meager self-esteem shatter into pieces. It was so empty that Lee Han-sol didn’t even cry. With an emotionless face, he had random thoughts that didn’t even make him laugh hollowly.
Actually, if he found out that I still care about him, even Ki Baek-woo who begged me for a chance might change his mind. I’m too persistent. He might see me as a disgusting person with no hope.
‘Since it’s come to this… should I just attack him outright?’
Telling Ki Baek-woo that yes, he still cares about him. But because he’s been hurt so much, he’s too anxious and wants to tie him up so he can’t go anywhere. And if the anxiety and doubt don’t subside, asking if it would be okay to break his legs. If it would be okay to cut all his tendons so he could never walk again even if the bones heal. That this is actually how he truly feels.
Heard that, Ki Baek-woo? So, what do you think? Do you still feel the same way? Are you still sorry for me?
Lee Han-sol giggled expressionlessly while imagining such things. He thinks that if he did that, Ki Baek-woo would probably turn pale and whimper. Begging to be spared, saying he was mistaken, that he just got confused for a moment because he only just remembered, “But if you have any conscience, shouldn’t you not be doing this? I’ve been suffering too because of you, I died, you selfish bastard!” Lee Han-sol imagines Ki Baek-woo shouting and running away. It seems plausible. Lee Han-sol laughed resignedly, “hehe.” Yes, let’s just do that. Let’s scare him so thoroughly that he’ll never dare come near me again…
Lee Han-sol sits alone in the darkness, endlessly thinking such thoughts. It wasn’t long ago that he was afraid of being alone, but now he just wanted to be alone. Forever. He nods, thinking that then no one would tell him to make decisions, and he could breathe easier.
Bang, bang, bang!
“Han-sol, if you don’t answer, I’m going to open the door and come in. At least make some noise…!”
Choi Tae-hyun is still knocking on Lee Han-sol’s front door. Lee Han-sol disliked that too. He wished Choi Tae-hyun would just give up and disappear. How long have they even known each other to act like this? What kind of relationship do we have? We’re just landlord and tenant, not friends or anything. Lee Han-sol had used Choi Tae-hyun, but Choi Tae-hyun had gained nothing from Lee Han-sol. So Lee Han-sol sincerely wished that from now on, Choi Tae-hyun would treat him as if he didn’t exist. It made him uncomfortable when Choi Tae-hyun acted as if he was worried, as if he was sincere, as if he didn’t want Lee Han-sol to come to harm.
Choi Tae-hyun had been very kind to Lee Han-sol. It had been a long time since he’d received such kindness from a stranger. Lee Han-sol had taken full advantage of it. At that time, he desperately needed something to anchor his mind. Choi Tae-hyun, who had a lot of money but didn’t work much, had many hobbies, and they were perfect for distracting Lee Han-sol’s mind. There was also Ppomi.
Cute Ppomi, who doesn’t speak like a fucking human, stays by his side, and doesn’t threaten Lee Han-sol—good Ppomi.
Lee Han-sol shamelessly frequented that house, which was perfect for hiding. He wasn’t sorry or embarrassed. Because he thought that Choi Tae-hyun must have some intention too. Lee Han-sol never believed that Choi Tae-hyun’s kindness was genuine goodwill.
What idiot would genuinely be nice to me? So he must want something, and later when Choi Tae-hyuk showed up and revealed Lee Han-sol’s identity, he naturally assumed there must be some sinister scheme. Like gossip… or the intention to boost his self-esteem by mocking Lee Han-sol’s stupid actions… things like that. Like Kim Jin-oh or Ham Yun-ah who hover around under the guise of friendship.
But recently during a raid, Kim Jin-oh answered like this when Lee Han-sol asked, “What do you want from me?”
“What I want? Me? From you?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you asking that? Will you give it to me if I tell you?”
“So you do want something. Tell me. Tell me and let’s end this here.”
“Say very politely, ‘I respect the world’s strongest hunter, Kim Jin-ho hyungnim.'”
“What?”
“The world’s strongest hunter Kim Jin-ho hyungnim, lord of the gates, I respect…”
“Stop joking and tell me straight. You must have a reason for acting like this to me. You must have some intention for sticking close and pretending to be friendly! Why are you still pretending it’s not true! Tell me the real reason, tell me!”
“What? What nonsense are you suddenly spouting? Intention? Pretending to be friendly?”
At that time, Lee Han-sol reached a breaking point at Kim Jin-ho’s seemingly incredulous reaction. This was exactly the moment he feared most. When something seems to be exactly what it appears to be. The time when he faces something clean with no dirty backside. The very moment when the possibility of betrayal arises. It was suffocating.
Lee Han-sol didn’t want to believe anything was real. If he believed, he would be abandoned. He would definitely be betrayed. Everything in the world is deceiving Lee Han-sol. So don’t like anyone—he wanted to think that simply. Because then all he had to do was hide inside a hard shell and never come out. So situations like this, where he had to be confused, complicated, and judge between truth and lies, made Lee Han-sol uncomfortable. It drove him crazy. Anxiety amplifying like an explosion. He shouted wildly.
“Yeah, you fucking bastard! Because we’re friends? That’s ridiculous, do you think I’d believe that? Friends? You think of me as a friend? Since when? Fuck, what is a friend! You’re just the same as the others. Just like the other guys, you’re gossiping about how I’m the C-rank who used to hang out with Ki Baek-woo, about how much of an idiot I am! Do you think I don’t know that? Am I that easy? Am I funny?”
“Are you crazy? Hey! When did I gossip about you! Who’s saying such things? Are you trying to drive a wedge between us? I swear I only talked about you to your face, saying how fucking rude you are! That you seem possessed by a crazy wildcat—that’s all I’ve said outright!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, stop treating me like an idiot! Then why are you acting like this to me? Who are you to fight instead of me with that vomit-inducing loser Yun Sung-jun or whoever? Are you Lee Han-sol? Are you my mom? My mom is already dead! My dad too, fuck! Yes, I’m a guy who taught himself family values, I don’t have parents, okay? But who are you to pretend to be on my side! Who are you to pretend to worry about me, you son of a bitch!”
Guys like you are worse than those who openly treat me like an idiot, you know? Haven’t you played with me enough? Isn’t this enough? Do I have to truly believe you’re my real friend and then get backstabbed for this to end? Am I that pathetic? Do you want to follow me around and torment me until I die? What did I ever do to you!
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
