#6
It snowed a lot. The footprints Nam Seonwoo left behind were quickly covered by snow and disappeared. Suppressing the urge to follow those footprints, I pondered over what I had done wrong.
Did I disturb his studies? Or was it because I only focused on studying and it wasn’t fun? Or was it because of Kim Jaewoo? Did he think I was thoughtless for causing trouble without considering the consequences? Was he disappointed? Or was it because I brought up the dormitory talk without thinking after the college entrance exam? Did he lose affection seeing me excited alone?
As I turned back time and checked each possibility, I saw signs that I had tried not to acknowledge.
From a certain moment, Nam Seonwoo started smiling weakly. At that time, I thought it was because of the college entrance exam. I believed he would be fine after the exam, and that if I took him to a nice place right after, he would quickly regain his spirits.
The day before the college entrance exam, I took Nam Seonwoo to the Han River. When I suggested staying together at home until his parents returned, Nam Seonwoo turned red around his eyes instead of answering. He seemed worried, saying it was because of the exam. So, the words “Let’s meet separately tomorrow” and the way he avoided eye contact while saying that made me anxious, but I forced a smile and wished him luck. I prayed for Nam Seonwoo to do well on the exam.
Thinking back, Nam Seonwoo had refused my suggestion to go for a drive on Christmas and New Year’s Day as well. He said it was because of early admission. He didn’t want to be a hindrance. Since I didn’t know how early admission worked, I just waited for Nam Seonwoo to smile and say, “It’s over now.”
Were those all hints? If I had noticed the cracks then, would things have been different? Should I just hold on to him now? What if his heart has truly cooled down? I thought countless times. Even if he couldn’t accept me again, it was okay. I could start over. From friends, slowly. Even if he went to Finland, it was fine. I came to Korea University following Nam Seonwoo, so there was no way I couldn’t follow him to Finland.
Every day, I waited at the playground of Nam Seonwoo’s apartment complex. It was a bit far from the building where Nam Seonwoo lived, but waiting right in front seemed too burdensome. On the day it rained all day, I believed Nam Seonwoo would come out, just like the day he ran out with an umbrella. Even if not to see me, a coincidental meeting was fine.
But no matter how long I waited, Nam Seonwoo didn’t come.
I didn’t remember how many days it had been. When I came to my senses, I was knocking on every door of the building. A resident who noticed I wasn’t in my right mind reported it, and when I explained the situation, the manager passing by said it seemed like I was talking about the student in 302. The police ordered me to return home, but as soon as night fell, I was stuck in front of 302. However, there was no sign of life from beyond the front door.
Of course, he didn’t answer the phone. I always waited until the end of the call sound that made my stomach churn, but I couldn’t hear Nam Seonwoo’s voice, and a few days later, only the message “number not in service” returned.
Nam Seonwoo seemed to have vanished. Wondering if he had already gone to Finland, I immediately looked up flights to Finland. Messages for freshmen from Korea University started coming in, but such things didn’t matter now. If it weren’t for Nam Seonwoo, there would have been no reason for me to go to Korea University.
‘Go to college. Don’t talk nonsense.’
At the moment I was about to book a flight leaving tomorrow, Nam Seonwoo’s voice flashed through my mind.
‘Wouldn’t it be better to have a college student lover than a high school graduate lover without any status?’
As if he knew this would happen.
What should I do? I should listen to Nam Seonwoo’s words. So that I can face him confidently when we meet again. But would Nam Seonwoo come back if I went to college? Without the direction of Nam Seonwoo, I felt like a lost child.
“… “
When lost, one shouldn’t wander aimlessly. Because we might miss each other, I had to wait right there. So instead of going to Finland, I went to college as Nam Seonwoo said. College life and studying the brain, which I wanted to do, had no meaning without Nam Seonwoo, but I couldn’t stay like a child forever.
‘Don’t act like a child.’
Taking those words as a milestone, I stepped forward. I wanted to show the side that Nam Seonwoo likes when we meet again. Without bringing up past events awkwardly, exchanging jokes leisurely, in that way. I waited only for the moment of reunion, pondering over and over the ideal type Nam Seonwoo had mentioned.
Of course, it wasn’t just hanging on that slim chance without knowing when it would come. After persistently interrogating Park Gyuhyeon, who kept repeating ‘I don’t know’ like a parrot, I could hear a meaningful statement.
“Well, I don’t know…? It’s unlikely that Nam Seonwoo would go on an evasive study abroad. Maybe retaking the exam, cough, I don’t know…”
Park Gyuhyeon seemed to know. The fact that Park Gyuhyeon knew about Nam Seonwoo, not me, mixed unfamiliar emotions. It was a moment when I keenly felt what Nam Seonwoo meant by ‘becoming nothing when we break up.’ But I couldn’t even be jealous of Park Gyuhyeon. If I stayed friends with Park Gyuhyeon, I could at least stay connected to Nam Seonwoo.
Moreover, there was a big gain. Retaking the exam meant he would attend college in Korea, and the only school Nam Seonwoo would go to was Korea University. So I endured. I waited for Nam Seonwoo to come to this campus where he should have walked.
But a year was longer than I thought, and when time was on my side, I found myself searching every retake academy in the country.
Then, my mother collapsed. She had often been hospitalized due to her poor health since childhood, but this time she didn’t open her eyes easily.
Looking at her darkened face, the doctor told me to prepare myself mentally. It felt like a big rock was lodged in my chest. A heavy intuition that she might not wake up this time.
At that moment, I thought how fortunate it was that I listened to Nam Seonwoo’s words. If I hadn’t heard those words to express often to my mother, I would have been consumed by irreversible regret.
The next thought was also about Nam Seonwoo. What would Nam Seonwoo have done in this situation? What would Nam Seonwoo have said in this situation where my mother might not wake up?
‘Cheer up. Your mother will be fine.’
I couldn’t just sit blankly. During summer vacation, I took out the nursing journal I had exchanged with Nam Seonwoo and started doing the nursing I could do right away. Maybe because I had nursed with Nam Seonwoo before, taking care of my unconscious mother’s stomach, massaging her whole body so it wouldn’t stiffen, and thoroughly washing her from head to toe felt somehow familiar.
My mother’s hospital room was always empty with silence. But when I recalled the traces Nam Seonwoo left behind, like memos, memories, and time, it felt like warm sunlight was shining. Then, I suddenly thought, affection is not poison but breath.
When I saw my mother’s excessive affection, I thought affection was poison. I couldn’t understand why she considered my biological father, who didn’t need to be like that, or why she didn’t blame him, or anything. To the point where I thought my biological father also felt less guilt because of that.
I also resented my mother’s irresponsibility when she talked about death, saying ‘even if I go first.’ I hated the warm affection she talked about, which she would leave anyway. I believed that affection was a scar that made me feel the emptiness when left alone. So it was like a wound.
If I had experienced my mother’s death in that state, I would have believed that forever. I would have assumed anyone who approached would leave, and I would have mistaken affection for deceit.
But now it was different. Nam Seonwoo told me. Affection doesn’t leave scars but traces. Not wounds that make you frown every time you look at them, but memories that you can recall for a long time and thus live on. He taught me that.
Of course, what came after that realization was not a resignation of ‘this is enough’ but a longing. So the more I wanted to meet Nam Seonwoo again, the more my resolve to never part with him burned.
While busily going between the hospital and the campus, another season passed. The snow that covered Nam Seonwoo’s footprints melted, and the tree where the caterpillar that Nam Seonwoo had run away in fright bloomed. And my mother opened her eyes. Everyone said it was a miracle as they saw my mother slowly but surely recovering.
My mother asked if I believed in Julie’s Law this time. I had hated anything with the word ‘line’ to the point where my face would scrunch up, but this time I thought it wouldn’t be bad to believe in that superstition. Like my mother who woke up like a miracle, I hoped to meet Nam Seonwoo like a miracle. And when that moment came…
“-Ugh.”
“Ah, sorry.”
I wouldn’t let go of Nam Seonwoo again.
“Are you really okay? You seem to have hit your head. Let us take a look at you.”
“Look at this, overreacting again. Who would think you’re already a doctor?”
I could tell at a glance. Like that summer, in the blurry classroom, only one person stood out clearly, my blurred vision became clear in an instant.
A hat covering more than half of his face, a deeply lowered head, wrists that would turn red if just grabbed. Only the end of his chin was visible, but all my senses told me. The music sound that seemed to swallow the building was covered by my heartbeat and no longer heard.
“Please let me pass. I’m sorry.”
The scent that brushed past me lingered long this time as well, like the night it seeped into the bed for nineteen days. A scent like a soap bubble popping. As I deeply inhaled the lingering Nam Seonwoo in the air, a smile naturally formed.
Finally, we met.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
