Chapter 91
The dining table was silent. It was so quiet that one could almost hear the second hand of the soundless clock in the living room ticking. Cha Yoon, sitting at the table, glanced up at Seo-jung. He saw him deep in thought with a complicated expression.
As Ki Seo-jung’s silence lengthened, Cha Yoon grew more anxious, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak carelessly. It was because of the conversation they had just had.
‘Hyung, let’s eat first…’
‘Please.’
‘…’
‘Please be quiet for a moment, Cha Yoon-ssi.’
This was Seo-jung’s response to Cha Yoon’s words upon noticing the cooling pot of soup. Seeing Ki Seo-jung’s infinitely complex expression, Cha Yoon had no choice but to keep his mouth shut.
He couldn’t understand how the situation had turned out like this. The good atmosphere that had lasted until just before falling asleep had completely changed in just a few hours. The ticklish “Yoon-ah” that he had longed for, and the informal speech, were no longer coming out. As Seo-jung drew a line as if the memories of the previous night had been stolen, the question “Why?” wouldn’t leave Cha Yoon’s mind.
And not long after, a rather plausible thought occurred to him. The thought that Ki Seo-jung might be regretting what happened the night before.
Cha Yoon unconsciously held his breath. His heart sank as soon as that thought arose. Faced with a situation he wasn’t prepared for, he was completely lost. The anxiety that had been growing in a corner of his heart had long since engulfed him.
He had so much he wanted to say to Seo-jung when he woke up. How he was feeling, what their relationship would be like from now on, and even about the traces he had found in this house. He had so much to talk about, but he had never considered the possibility that Ki Seo-jung might regret it.
That’s why he didn’t want to admit it even more. He tried to think lightly of the situation, looking for other reasons, telling himself that Ki Seo-jung couldn’t possibly regret what happened yesterday, that he was just angry because he had been bothered until late in the early morning.
It was then, as he was trying to calm his mind in his own way, that Seo-jung’s voice was heard, as if he had finally finished organizing his thoughts.
“Cha Yoon-ssi.”
“Yes?”
Cha Yoon, who had been lost in thought for a moment, came to his senses at the sound of his name. Seo-jung brushed back his fallen bangs and met his eyes at the quick response.
“How did you find this place?”
“…I saw the address saved in the car’s navigation system.”
At the mention of the navigation system, Seo-jung let out a small “Ah.” A forgotten memory had resurfaced.
Cha Yoon, who often changed his car, would input the address of the house where he lived with Seo-jung into the navigation system of each new car, as if performing some kind of ritual. He had a good sense of direction and rarely forgot a route he had taken once. There was no reason to input the address of the house he went to every day into the navigation system.
When this had happened about three times, curiosity led Seo-jung to ask why, and the answer was:
‘It’s just like a token of commitment.’
‘…’
‘A commitment that no matter where I am, I’ll remember and return to where Ki Seo-jung is.’
It was just one of Cha Yoon’s habits that Seo-jung had heard about and let pass, but who would have thought this habit would lead to such a result? The commitment he had made several times really did bring Cha Yoon here. The problem was that it wasn’t the person who had made the commitment.
Seo-jung rubbed his throbbing temples. Well, what use was all this now? What’s done is done, and they couldn’t turn back time.
Seo-jung closed his eyes deeply and opened them again. In front of him was Cha Yoon, who had lost his memories. What he needed to do now wasn’t to regret. Seo-jung, having composed himself, opened his mouth.
“What happened yesterday was my mistake. So let’s pretend it never happened.”
Burying everything as if it never happened. This was the best choice Seo-jung had decided on. For both himself and Cha Yoon.
With his words, silence fell between the two. After some time had passed, a voice was heard in the dead quiet space. It was Cha Yoon’s voice.
“What are you talking about? What mistake, and what are we pretending never happened?”
“…”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying at all… Forget it, let’s stop this conversation and eat.”
Cha Yoon asked as if he had heard an incomprehensible unknown language. But even that was followed by hasty words, as if he hadn’t expected an answer in the first place.
Although he pretended to be nonchalant, he couldn’t hide the slight tremor at the end of his voice. Yes, Cha Yoon wanted to pretend he didn’t know. He wanted to let this situation pass like that. His attitude was permeated with desperation.
“I made soybean sprout soup. You drank last night, didn’t you? Wait a moment, I’ll finish…”
“Cha Yoon-ssi.”
It was Seo-jung’s low voice that stopped Cha Yoon as he was about to stand up, as if wanting to escape. Cha Yoon closed his mouth and looked at Seo-jung sitting across from him.
“I have no intention of eating with you, Cha Yoon-ssi, so sit down and listen.”
“…”
“Since you said you didn’t understand, I’ll tell you again. It’s exactly what I said. Let’s forget everything that happened in this house yesterday, as if it never happened in the first place.”
As if he had no intention of granting Cha Yoon’s wish, Seo-jung finally brought up the conversation Cha Yoon had wanted to avoid.
“I was too drunk yesterday, and I mistook you for someone else. If I had known it was you, Cha Yoon-ssi, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“…”
“It’s not like we’re in the Joseon era. It’s not a big deal for two adults to have slept together once. You know that too, don’t you? That it’s not a big deal.”
“…Is us sleeping together not a big deal to you?”
Cha Yoon, who had been quietly listening all along, asked in a murmur. At his low voice, Seo-jung’s fists, which had been resting on his knees, tightened. But the more he did so, the more he put on an indifferent face.
“You’re asking something so obvious that I don’t know how to answer.”
“…”
“Well, it might not be for you, Cha Yoon-ssi. I understand. It must be your first time sleeping with a man. It might feel like something big enough to turn your life upside down.”
“…”
“But, isn’t it better to forget and shake it off as soon as possible? How else are you going to deal with having done that dirty homo thing you hated so much?”
“Don’t you think so?” At the tone that sounded almost cynical, Cha Yoon bit his lip. For him, what happened with Seo-jung last night wasn’t just simple sex. He had given all the warmth he had, exchanged breaths, and expressed his feelings with his whole body. He was certain that what he and Seo-jung had exchanged the night before were their hearts.
That’s why the wound was even greater. With just a few words, it felt like everything that had happened with Ki Seo-jung was being denied. And by Ki Seo-jung himself, the person Cha Yoon had given his heart to.
But he couldn’t get angry and ask why Seo-jung was talking like that. Or, to be more precise, Cha Yoon wasn’t angry. The emotion he felt at Seo-jung’s words was sadness. He was just heartbroken. Because he realized that he was the first one to utter the words that Ki Seo-jung had just spoken.
At the same time, the thorny words he had thrown at Ki Seo-jung flashed through his mind one by one.
Even he, who had just acknowledged his feelings, was in so much pain, but for Ki Seo-jung, it had been seven years. What must he have thought while hearing the harsh words he had spat out during that time? Just imagining those feelings made his heart feel like it was crumbling. The pain he felt in his heart pressed down on Cha Yoon like despair.
Because I’ve been hurt this much by Ki Seo-jung, because you’ve abandoned me twice, it’s okay for me to do this. He had forcibly justified his actions by deceiving himself like that. But all excuses lost their power from the moment he took Ki Seo-jung into his heart.
For Cha Yoon, who loved him, such things couldn’t serve as any kind of absolution. Only the fact that he had hurt the person he loved remained, piercing Cha Yoon.
Seo-jung swallowed as he watched Cha Yoon, who couldn’t make any retort and kept his head down. He knew it would be like this. It was just a problem that could be easily tied up with a few words, a problem that didn’t need any worry.
The words he heard from Cha Yoon last night were the same. They were just words spoken in the heat of the moment, nothing more, nothing less. So he told himself that this was a very good thing, as if telling himself rather than anyone else, and suppressed the swaying emotions that were surging.
Seo-jung composed his expression, put on his mask once again, and spoke his final prepared words.
“It doesn’t seem like a problem that needs a longer explanation, and I’ve said all I have to say. Do you have anything else to say, Cha Yoon-ssi?”
Again, there was no answer. Seo-jung nodded slightly and placed his hands, which had been on his knees, on the table.
“It seems you don’t either. Then let’s conclude this matter here, and since we’re done talking, could you please leave? I’m not feeling well.”
After finishing his words, Seo-jung stood up as if issuing an order to leave. Then Cha Yoon, who had been staying in his seat for a while after that, slowly got up. The sound of the chair scraping was heard.
With each movement Cha Yoon made, the distance between the two widened a bit. Seo-jung stood in place, looking at Cha Yoon’s back. He recalled Cha Yoon’s back that he had seen sometime before. The back that was moving away from him, dressed in hospital clothes. It was a memory of that day that he would never forget until he died.
Seo-jung had to admit. This was indeed the most fitting picture for the memory-lost Cha Yoon and himself.
Soon, the front door opened quietly and closed with a small noise. Seo-jung looked around the house blankly. The empty house, devoid of any warmth, was filled only with quiet air. This was now the most familiar sight to Seo-jung.
In that silence, Seo-jung was left alone again. The sense of loneliness felt in the wide space crept up Seo-jung’s legs. As he was gradually being consumed by emptiness, it happened.
Bang bang, at the rough sound, Seo-jung came to his senses as if waking from a dream. The source of the sound was in front of the front door. What is it? Contrary to the question that arose, Seo-jung’s heart had already started pounding.
Seo-jung slowly moved his feet. With each step, his heartbeat grew louder. Finally reaching the door, he grabbed the doorknob. Feeling the cold touch of metal, Seo-jung closed his eyes tightly and opened them again. With a clicking sound, the door opened.
And the person standing guard in front of it was Cha Yoon. Cha Yoon, with reddened eyes, looked at Seo-jung and opened his mouth.
“I do.”
“…”
“Have something I want to say to you. So… please listen to me for a moment.”
