Chapter 94
Seo-jung quietly retraced that moment’s emotions and resolutions, then opened his eyes and raised his head. He saw Cha Yoon looking at him with an anxious expression, as if waiting for a verdict.
Seeing Cha Yoon examining him with desperate eyes, Seo-jung felt something crumbling inside his chest. But he tried to suppress his wavering emotions and view everything coldly.
After the two broke up, Cha Yoon was gradually regaining the things he had lost. Now he had his family by his side, he had become lovers with Song Joo-ah, and even appeared on a heterosexual dating program. This was evidence that Cha Yoon had entered a normal life trajectory, which was what Seo-jung had so desperately wanted.
But would it be right to take away what Cha Yoon had just regained, simply swayed by momentary emotions?
Crucially, Cha Yoon still hadn’t regained his memories. Seo-jung was already too tired to hold his hand again, trusting only in a shallow emotion that could change at any time.
So his task was set. To play the villain so that Cha Yoon could stay in his rightful place.
“…This is absurd.”
Seo-jung, having forcefully suppressed his wavering heart, let out a whisper like a sigh.
“Just a few days ago, you said you wished for my unhappiness, didn’t you? And now you say you like me? Do you think I could believe those words from you, Cha Yoon-ssi?”
“Hyung, that’s…”
“I don’t understand what you’re thinking, what you’re expecting by saying such things.”
Cha Yoon’s mouth opened as if to make an excuse, but Seo-jung lightly cut off his words.
“Ah, perhaps you’re saying this because of the things left in the house.”
Turning his eyes to the living room, he saw a space where nothing had changed since the last day Cha Yoon left this house.
Along with that, the memory of the previous night when he had called out Cha Yoon’s name and had relations under the influence of alcohol, and the fact that Cha Yoon had looked around this place entirely, came back to him once again. There was no way he could convince Cha Yoon with just one word about having no feelings, after all of this had been exposed. After pondering, Seo-jung quickly found another approach.
“Shall I be honest? You’re right, I actually haven’t forgotten Cha Yoon-ssi yet. We were together for as long as 7 years, how could I get over it in less than a year? But this doesn’t mean I like the current Cha Yoon-ssi. To me, you’re a completely different person from the Yoon of the past.”
Distinguishing between the current Cha Yoon who had lost his memories and the past Cha Yoon. That was the method Seo-jung chose.
“You were desperate to hurt me at every moment, weren’t you? The Yoon I loved is nowhere to be found, how can you be the same person just because your appearance is the same? Don’t you agree?”
Seo-jung drew a clear line, thoroughly separating the Cha Yoon before he lost his memories and the current Cha Yoon. He listed stories riddled with lies, saying that his feelings were only connected to the past and that he had no feelings left for the current Cha Yoon.
“And the feelings you have for me, they’re nothing. It’s your first time sleeping with a man, isn’t it? You’re just mistaking the thrill of a strange and new stimulation for liking me. The one you like is Song Joo-ah-ssi, isn’t it? Don’t do something you’ll regret, being swayed by an interest that will fade away after just one day. Get a grip.”
“…”
“Sometimes, there are things you just need to let go. For you, that’s the feelings you’re having now. So let them go. That’s the right thing to do.”
Seo-jung deliberately mentioned Song Joo-ah’s name. It was to help Cha Yoon, who was struggling to find a sense of reality, come to his senses. Just as he thought he had sufficiently played his part and was about to add his final words,
Seo-jung had to close his mouth without being able to say anything. It was because of Cha Yoon’s voice that immediately followed.
“You’re misunderstanding.”
What is he trying to say? Seo-jung frowned at the sudden word ‘misunderstanding’.
“Song Joo-ah… she’s just a friend. I never liked her or dated her in the first place. I came on this show just because of you, hyung.”
It was difficult to understand the meaning of ‘because of you’. As if reading Seo-jung’s mind, Cha Yoon calmly began to add an explanation.
“About two months ago, Song Joo-ah asked me to join the program with her. Of course, I refused at first. I didn’t want my face to be known, and it was bothersome. But then I heard about you, hyung. That you were participating in that program. Once I knew that, I had no reason to refuse anymore. So I joined, to meet you. But I never thought you would misunderstand because of that. If I had known you were misunderstanding, I would have told you this first.”
“…”
“I’m sorry for creating a situation that could be misunderstood. But from the moment I entered the X House until now, I’ve truly only seen you, hyung. You know, I’ve only been sending messages to you…”
Please believe me. Even after Cha Yoon’s explanation ended, Seo-jung couldn’t respond. He closed his eyes deeply and then opened them.
That he and Song Joo-ah were nothing? And what was this about messages? Could people of the same gender even send messages to each other in the first place? While Seo-jung was lost in confusion, Cha Yoon continued his words again.
“I understand if you can’t believe my confession, hyung. I’ve done a lot of wrong to you… I know that saying I like you now might seem frivolous from your perspective.”
“…”
“I know I acted like an idiot, not properly acknowledging my feelings, but having taken such a long detour, I know for sure now. I want to agree with everything you say, but I can’t yield on this. No matter what you say, this won’t change.”
“…”
“I like you. I have since the day I first saw you, and it’s been that way all along.”
Cha Yoon’s voice, resolute to the point of being stern, pierced Seo-jung’s ears. Cha Yoon added weight to his feelings with unwavering eyes.
“You said sometimes there are things you just need to let go. That the feelings I’m having now are like that.”
“…”
“You’re wrong, hyung.”
“…”
“Even if I lose everything I have, I can’t let go of my feelings for you.”
Because there’s nothing more important in my life than this. At Cha Yoon’s voice, firmer than ever before, Seo-jung was at a loss for words. His heart was greatly shaken by the determined tone and the straightforward gaze.
Seo-jung tried hard to maintain his composure, but in that moment when he felt Cha Yoon’s sincerity, even breathing out was difficult. The perceptive Cha Yoon read the signs of Seo-jung’s wavering.
Cha Yoon instinctively knew. That this was the last chance to penetrate the crack in his defenses.
“You said that I’m a different person from the Cha Yoon you loved, but I’m not sure about that. Whether I have memories or not, I’m still Cha Yoon, so I don’t understand why you’re denying it this much. But, I’ll try to understand.”
Although his expression still seemed unconvinced, Cha Yoon tried to accept Seo-jung’s thoughts as they were.
“In a way, I think it might be a good thing.”
“…”
“Because I never intended to easily gain anything by relying on memories I don’t even have. Whether it’s your forgiveness, your heart, or anything else. That would be too unconscionable, wouldn’t it?”
He meant exactly what he said. It was right for him to take responsibility for his own mistakes. No matter how hard he tried, he might not be forgiven. He might not be able to win Seo-jung’s heart in the end. But even that was the result of his own actions. It meant it was his share to bear on his own.
And above all, what he needed to do now was not to tremble in fear while assuming failure.
“I’m going to put back everything I’ve messed up.”
“…”
“You remember what I said yesterday, right? That you don’t have to do anything.”
“…”
“It’s the same this time. You don’t have to do anything, hyung. Just watch me. I’ll do everything else, so just do that for me. Until I leave the X House, I won’t ask for much… just give me a chance until then.”
“…”
“Then I’ll prove it to you. That you can love me. No, that you’ll come to love me even more than that.”
So please, just believe in me once. Along with the last voice, what came to mind was the image of Cha Yoon confessing for the first time 7 years ago.
It was just a week after Seo-jung, who had realized his feelings for Cha Yoon, broke up with Da-bin and went into hiding as if running away. Due to the cold wave and snow, even pedestrians were hardly visible on the streets.
On his way home after finishing his part-time job, Seo-jung noticed a figure waiting in front of the studio apartment where he lived. He could tell even from a distance. That it was Cha Yoon.
It was the result of ignoring the calls from him and pretending not to see the flood of messages.
Seo-jung moved his stopped feet, and soon arrived at the spot where Cha Yoon was standing. The white snowflakes piled on his head and shoulders seemed to show how long he had been waiting here.
‘…What are you doing here?’
At the murmured voice, Cha Yoon raised his lowered head. Wow, I finally see you. His voice, muttering quietly, sounded particularly low today.
‘Sunbae wasn’t answering my calls. So I just waited here. I thought I might be able to meet you this way.’
‘Even so, you waited here in this weather without saying anything? Are you really crazy?’
‘I know, why did I do that? Maybe I really am crazy.’
Seeing Cha Yoon laughing self-deprecatingly, Seo-jung felt exasperated and upset. Just as he was about to say something upon seeing Cha Yoon’s usually red lips turned blue, the following words stopped him from speaking further.
‘But I couldn’t help it. I felt like I’d go even crazier if I didn’t see you.’
It’s definitely a bit better now. Watching Cha Yoon mutter and give a faint smile, Seo-jung clenched his fist. He felt that if he stayed any longer, he might say things he shouldn’t and hear things he shouldn’t.
‘Just go. I have nothing to say to you.’
Just as he was about to pass by Cha Yoon, finishing his words as if being chased, he stopped at the cold hand grasping his wrist.
‘I have something to say to you, sunbae. So just listen.’
‘I don’t intend to give you time…’
‘I like you, sunbae.’
What cut off his words of refusal was Cha Yoon’s low statement. With just one sentence, Seo-jung couldn’t make a sound.
‘I think it’s been that way since the day we first greeted each other in the club room. That’s why my eyes were drawn to you and I wanted to talk to you so much, because I liked you.’
‘…’
‘I know. I know how ridiculous my words must sound. How absurd it must seem for me to say this now after saying all sorts of things about how men can’t like each other. But no matter how many hundreds of times I think about it, the answer is the same. That I like you, sunbae.’
‘…Cha Yoon.’
‘I’m not expecting you to feel the same way about me right now. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll take care of everything else. So just don’t avoid me. Just let me see you.’
‘…’
‘Then I’ll make sure you won’t regret it. Please, just believe in me once.’
As the voice from his memory echoed in his ears, the high walls built up in Seo-jung’s heart shook even more violently. The more it shook, Seo-jung firmly held onto the string of reason he hadn’t let go of, like a last fortress. Telling himself that he shouldn’t be buried in momentary emotions, he barely managed to open his mouth.
“…Don’t do useless things. No matter what you do, my feelings won’t change, Cha Yoon-ssi.”
Nevertheless, there was a slight tremor at the end of his words. Cha Yoon didn’t miss that subtle tremor. As if not wanting to miss the gap that had opened, Cha Yoon leaned his upper body a little closer to Seo-jung and spoke in a low, firm voice.
“That’s something we’ll only know if we try, isn’t it?”
“…Cha Yoon-ssi.”
“Let’s see whose heart is stronger, shall we?”
I’m confident I’ll win.
***
Q. Last night, you went out somewhere in a hurry and then came back. Where did you go?
A. I went to see Seo-jung hyung.
Q. Didn’t you see the production team’s message that they had been able to contact Seo-jung-ssi?
A. I did see it.
Q. Then why did you go all the way to Seo-jung-ssi’s house?
A. I thought I went because I was angry, but thinking about it now, I don’t think that was it.
Q. What was the real reason?
A. I missed him. That’s why I went.
