Teacher, Is This Your First Time?

In the small frame, our family went on an outing under cherry blossom trees, rode tubes at the beach, and rolled around in fields of fallen leaves and snow. I was sometimes as tall as my dad’s waist, and sometimes shoulder to shoulder with him. Mom was holding a sound-asleep newborn with her long straight hair hanging down, or holding the hand of a crying tot with triangular permed hair.

So this was my personal journey of memories that I enjoyed like an annual event. A way to long for all memories from the first page to the last page of the family album, with the reason of having to choose which photo to take this time.

“Hmm. Should I go with this one.”

One photo of three people crouched side by side against the backdrop of a palace-like amusement park entrance, brightly smiling with their palms cupped like flowers around their faces, or one photo of three people wearing loud party hats in front of a large cake with a single long candle.

After separating those two photos, I was flipping through the album page by page with a slightly lighter heart.

“…”

It was the last page I had turned without any thought or suspicion.

In the empty space where my first ID photo from age seventeen, which had been stolen before my eyes, should have been, there was Woo Tae-seon smiling neatly. It was an ID photo of Woo Tae-seon with a slightly younger face than now, dressed in a neat school uniform. I couldn’t even guess when he had placed it there.

Just encountering it in an unexpected place felt like everything I had been trying to ignore was collapsing. It meant that even in my own memories, which I thought were beyond Woo Tae-seon’s reach, his memory had already seeped in.

No, perhaps from the beginning, I had been avoiding the fact that everything was filled with Woo Tae-seon. Had I been struggling hard to escape, not knowing I was already submerged to the top of my head?

The habits I thought were meaningless, the remaining traces I thought I had gotten used to, the empty space I considered so natural as to be unremarkable.

You remained with me until the end, even at this very last moment.

“…Bastard.”

Even when we weren’t together, Woo Tae-seon had always followed me. It always felt like he might appear from somewhere, like he might be watching me.

So it seemed that Woo Tae-seon would always be by my side, and while that thought was frightening and painful, somehow I was also reassured. That I would never be left alone.

But now I was truly alone. I realized the emptiness of being left behind.

Only after reaching the thought that this was an empty freedom did I admit that I was crazy. You’re really thoroughly crazy, Song Jae-yun. The emotions surrounding me couldn’t be normal. The scars he left must have festered.

Somehow, following him, I too had become a strange person.

Woo Tae-seon shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have coveted the place beside me, and he shouldn’t have shown me the emptiness of vacant spaces.

So why did you show me familiarity.

* * *

The wounds inflicted by a short period were too deep. Was it a brief entertainment in the monotonous high school life? Now that the college entrance exam was over, was there no reason to look for me? I thought about this while fidgeting with my empty wrist.

‘I keep thinking about the past.’

The counselor naturally said that was possible.

‘That’s a natural emotion. Regret is a friend that can’t be separated from us. So we think about how to soothe it well.’

‘I keep thinking about other choices I didn’t make. Over and over. Repeatedly, repeatedly.’

‘Hmm. Was that choice actually selected by you, Jae-yun?’

As I shook my head at her words, I realized. The choices I had always made were more pushed by the circumstances surrounding me rather than my own will. Yet I had always believed they were my choices.

‘Think about what you want to do most. I think you need to start from there, Jae-yun.’

What I want to do… The hazy fog was gradually taking shape, but I stirred it with my innocent arm, blurring it. I didn’t want to confirm it with my own eyes yet.

In the end, I had to return without giving her any answer.

Despite the rather sharp cold, the streets were crowded.

While waiting for the traffic light, I watched the people standing on the opposite side. When the red stationary figure disappeared and the green blinking figure appeared, everyone on both sides moved at once.

Just as most people had crossed to the other side, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

“Teacher Song!”

“Oh, uh…”

Before I could turn around, a bright face appeared in front of me. It was Teacher Jung, who had worked with me at school and had taken good care of me. We were both surprised by this unexpected meeting.

“Wow. It’s been so long. How amazing that we meet like this. Is your home far from here? Are you out for an appointment?”

At his question, my gaze briefly flicked toward the medical street I had just come from, but I quickly moved it elsewhere. Simultaneously, I blurted out a vague excuse rather than mentioning I had been to the hospital.

“What have you been up to these days? No, wait, instead of talking here, would you like to have coffee at that place ahead? My treat. Do you have time?”

“Ah, ah. Yes. Yes. I have time.”

Before I knew it, I found myself following Teacher Jung to a café. While warming my frozen body and palms with a hot latte, I watched him drink about half of his iced Americano in one go.

“Ah. I feel alive. My throat was so dry, and when I was at the crosswalk, I spotted this place. I was just thinking about grabbing an Americano when I found you too.”

“Oh, really?”

“You have impeccable timing, Teacher Song. That’s why I’m getting free coffee and all.”

“I’ll enjoy it. Thank you.”

Conversing with a familiar person after a long time was quite enjoyable. I thought it had been a really long time since I’d had a pleasant conversation without any worries.

“Oh, by the way, by the way. The atmosphere at school these days is completely insane.”

“…Ah, the school.”

“There was a huge incident, because of Tae-seon.”

“…Incident?”

While talking with Teacher Jung, I hadn’t expected school not to come up, but my heart sank at the unexpected topic.

As I stammered my question, Teacher Jung nodded with his large eyes while crunching the remaining ice. He was seeking my agreement on how surprising it was, but I was beyond surprised—I was utterly bewildered.

“W-what… Was it a big incident?”

“Of course. It was truly enormous.”

It felt like someone had poured a bunch of cold ice into my stomach. No, it was as if some deep point within me was gradually freezing.

Like cracking ice on a frozen river, a cold anxiety spread through my body in an instant.

If he’s not looking for me, if there’s no contact, then…

“He suddenly dropped a massive bomb. The college admission team was completely flipped upside down.”

“…What?”

“The early admissions. He got accepted but said he wouldn’t go to any of them.”

My face flushed at news so different from what I had been thinking. What on earth had I been thinking? What had I been worried about, and what had I felt relieved about? My heart churned slowly as if I were motion sick.

“Wow, that kid Tae-seon is so stubborn, I tell you. In the end, even the chairman completely gave up.”

“…”

“You’re surprised too, right? Well, let me tell you how it all started.”

Teacher Jung, who couldn’t possibly know that Woo Tae-seon was an uncomfortable topic for me, leaned forward in his chair and whispered the secret story as if sharing acorns he had collected.

It was the first time I’d heard about his daily life in a long time—no, the first time since then. Teacher Jung continued, adding vivid descriptions of how the vice principal had gone ballistic and how the head of academic affairs had been in a complete panic.

I imagined the school I had left. The school that would still look exactly the same. Nothing would have changed just because I had left.

Not just the school, but everything would be like that.

“Oh my, it’s already this late. Shall we get going now?”

“I had fun today, Teacher.”

As we cleaned up and left the café, Teacher Jung patted my shoulder. As if encouraging me to stay strong. It made me wonder if perhaps he hadn’t just kept me around simply to share everyday life.

“Let’s keep in touch. Especially if you have good news, you must tell me. You know that, right?”

“Yes, of course. I will. You too, please contact me if you have good news. Let’s go eat something delicious together.”

“I should make something happen so we can meet again soon. Next time, let’s meet by appointment. Not by chance like this.”

I nodded sincerely, praying that a stream of good news would find this kind man.

As he was about to turn away with a final “take care,” I carefully called out to him.

“Um, Teacher.”

“Hmm? Yes?”

“Can I ask you just one thing?”

“Of course. What is it?”

In truth, it was something that had been consuming all my attention, something that kept resurfacing no matter how many times I tried to suppress it.