It had remained in my heart even after moving on to other topics, something that had tormented my mind because I couldn’t voice it.
I knew it was time to acknowledge it. That I needed to face the emotions I had been avoiding, that I needed to bring them into reality.
So I stood there for a long time after Teacher Jung had left. Repeatedly clutching and releasing my phone in my pocket as if it were a hand warmer.
As soon as I took a step, I pulled my phone out of my pocket.
Having ended my deliberation, there was no reason to hesitate. My thumb, after unlocking the pattern, went straight to the call history icon.
Fifth line from the top. Jeongsu’s number, marked as a missed call.
“…Jeongsu, it’s me, Jae-yun.”
—”Oh, Jae-yun.”
“Is that position still available?”
—”Huh?”
“…The teaching assistant position. You said before to let you know anytime if I wanted it. Is it too late?”
I couldn’t be certain this was the right choice. But I didn’t think I would regret it.
—”Huh? No. No. Not at all. Wow, thank you, Jae-yun.”
“No, I should be thanking you.”
—”The professor will be pleased too. Actually, he specifically wanted to bring you on.”
Jeongsu chattered excitedly, and I let out a sigh of relief. Is this it now? No, is this the right thing? A slight regret came belatedly, but…
‘I heard it’s where Teacher Lee graduated from.’
‘Ah…’
‘That’s why it became such a big deal. They said the homeroom teacher ruined the kid’s college admission. It seems Teacher Lee was really good to Tae-seon. I’m sure Teacher Lee is also in a difficult position.’
‘I see. Thank you for letting me know.’
‘Oh, Teacher Song, you graduated from that school too, right?’
It was always the case that one only realizes they’re a moth after they’ve already flown into the flame.
* * *
It was my first day at work.
The department office, which looked unchanged from before I graduated, wasn’t particularly unfamiliar. Inside the office, there were still three desks of moderate size placed side by side, and naturally, the one closest to the entrance became mine.
“Damn. They say it’s going to rain next week. This is terrible.”
“Why?”
“My Pepe goes absolutely crazy if he doesn’t go out even for one day. He whines and says he’s dying, dying!”
Though they joked that I might be trying too hard on my first day, easing my tension, the nervousness of the first day at work didn’t easily disappear and crept back up again.
As a result, after quietly staring at the monitor for about three hours, my ears perked up even at conversations not directed at me. My eyes also slid over at the excited exclamation of how cute a photo was.
After seeing the white puppy filling the monitor screen, I could more vividly imagine the cute face whining about dying. I pressed down the corners of my mouth to suppress the smile that was sneaking out.
Kim, who sat next to me, seemed to think similarly, making a fuss about how it was like a cotton ball and so adorable. Taking advantage of the moment, I also leaned in slightly and added that it was the cutest white puppy I had ever seen.
“So what will you do?”
“What can I do? If the master says go out, I just have to go out, you know…”
“Oh my, then how long do you walk? It must be such a hassle.”
“Not really. Once we’re outside, about 5 minutes? As soon as he gets a little rain on him, he whines to be picked up.”
I also imagined a puppy looking up with bright eyes, urgently pawing at my calf with its paws.
“That’s why you have to go out, experience it yourself to know, you know? How harsh the outside world is. Animals and people are all the same. You don’t know until you experience it.”
“Oh, really! Really, really too cute. It must be a trial and hardship in his mind, right? When you see him struggling to be held, saying he’s had such a hard time, it must be so adorable.”
“But sometimes I also want to be a bit mischievous. Should I say I want to show him that he only has me?”
The conversation naturally ended with small laughter. Maybe that’s why ordinary words kept lingering in my mind. You have to experience it yourself to know. How harsh the outside world is. You don’t know until you experience it. You only have me. Such words…
At that moment, Hong, who had been typing on the keyboard at an incredible speed, pulled her body back and asked:
“Everyone’s okay with iced Americanos, right? Even if not, it can’t be helped. I already sent the order.”
“That’s perfect. But why the coffee? Is Teacher Hong treating us?”
“No, it’s from this year’s freshman department representative.”
It seemed it wasn’t work but a PC messenger.
“Oh my, how considerate. I was just thinking something would be nice right after lunch.”
“Ah, you haven’t seen him yet, right? He’s really, really handsome.”
“Usually, good-looking kids have beautiful hearts too.”
My hands tingled as if they had fallen asleep. I quietly clenched and unclenched my fists repeatedly, and eventually had to rub them together. Meanwhile, I glanced up occasionally to see the large hand of the clock moving little by little. The subtle ticking of the second hand sounded like feet stomping on the floor.
All combined, it meant that I was currently in a state of excessive tension, to the point where I just wanted to run out of there.
Knock knock.
Yes. The door opened with Teacher Hong’s voice. Appearing with coffee carriers in both hands.
“Hello. I’m the freshman…”
Our gazes intertwined with his slightly surprised face. Looking at his startled eyes, it felt like electricity was surging through my dried emotions, my churning heart, my black-and-white vision.
His face gradually overlapped with the one I had seen that day, the first and last time.
“Hello.”
I greeted Woo Tae-seon, looking directly at him.
Since I was closest, I stood up first and reached out my hand. Tae-seon seemed to freeze slightly.
The only Tae-seon I had known was always confident. Somehow it was amusing. I felt a bit of satisfaction at the thought that he would never have imagined this situation even in his dreams. Perhaps I had wanted to be able to choose myself.
Seeing the corners of his stiff mouth softening as they followed mine, I realized I had smiled at him first.
“Yes, Teaching Assistant Song Jae-yun.”
The uninvited guest I had summoned entered my world.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
