Teacher, Is This Your First Time?

I realized I had been preciously holding an empty flowerpot, without even knowing my eyes were covered.

* * *

Pressing down on my tattered heart with my palm, I returned to the teachers’ office only to be called for an early termination notice of my contract position before I could even sit down. They said it was due to circumstances, and someone patted my shoulder saying Teacher Song should understand, but I could only laugh hollowly.

Every situation surrounding me was telling me the same thing. Just forget it. If you forget, it’s over. If you just disappear quietly, there won’t be any problems. As if everything would be resolved if only I endured.

Does that mean I should pretend the three seasons I spent here never happened?

I crumpled my body onto the small bed, forcing myself to fit. It was my real home that I hadn’t visited in a long time, because I didn’t want to return to Woo Tae-seon’s house where he would be waiting.

I tossed and turned, feeling uncomfortable. Despite having lived in this house for years and having slept on this bed for even longer, it felt strange. Perhaps it’s because when you move up, you don’t notice the comfort, but when you come down, it feels suffocating and uncomfortable. Still, even if my body wasn’t comfortable, having peace of mind was much better.

As the twilight cast long shadows across the room, I heard the sound of someone entering the door lock keypad in the distance. Clean, precise footsteps were approaching. I buried my face in the soft pillow.

The presence that had been high above came down to my bedside. I could picture Woo Tae-seon crouching in front of me, staring down at me.

“They won’t help you?”

What an audacious voice. And whose fault is all this? Suppressing the surge of emotions, I ignored him as if I couldn’t hear anything.

But the blanket I had pulled over my head was yanked down in an instant. I made eye contact with those hateful eyes that were looking at me with apparent sympathy. His gaze, which examined me quickly and thoroughly as if caressing soft skin, lingered for a long time on my swollen eyes.

“So you’ve been crying like an abandoned puppy?”

As Woo Tae-seon slowly wiped my wet eyes with his thumb, the pooled tears transferred to his finger.

“What a bastard. Not even listening to teacher.”

“…What?”

“That’s why I asked why you go there and come back hurt.”

Woo Tae-seon must have known from the moment the senior came into the infirmary. It was behind my back, but not behind his. And yet… Or maybe Woo Tae-seon had deliberately called the senior out.

Everything was in Woo Tae-seon’s palm. I had always been, and still was, placed in Woo Tae-seon’s palm. He destroyed my daily life and eliminated any place I could retreat to, so that I would come to him. Made me desperate enough to grab his hand. As if I had chosen him!

“…You find all this fun, don’t you? You enjoy making people look foolish?”

I shouted almost in rage. It was so unfair. That I alone was suffering like this. While Woo Tae-seon seemed completely unbothered, only I was constantly in pain and confusion, which infuriated me.

“What? I don’t have any leverage over teacher.”

“…W-what?”

Woo Tae-seon tilted his chin slightly and smiled. His thin lips were smiling, but his eyes were doing the exact opposite. Darkening his eyes like shadows, in contrast to the soft curve of his lips.

“You had sex with me because you didn’t want him to find out. Seems like you forgot the reason while fucking me.”

“…”

“Must feel good not having to worry about me anymore.”

This, this psycho! Is this what they mean when they say you can’t do anything when you’re too shocked? Taking advantage of that gap, Woo Tae-seon laid me down in the blink of an eye and climbed on top of me.

“I’m saying let’s not let anyone come between us anymore.”

“…”

“I hated seeing you care about other guys, so this worked out well.”

Even as we shared a tender yet sticky kiss, I remained like a stiff log, doing nothing. I didn’t move my tongue, nor did I tremble each time he gently scratched the roof of my mouth. But Woo Tae-seon knew how to draw out my sensitivity.

Everything I did became meaningless. I no longer had the energy to resist Woo Tae-seon.

“…Do you like me?”

“Yes, I told you I like you.”

“…”

“Why? Do you want to have sex?”

Helplessly swaying beneath Woo Tae-seon, I thought. That I wanted to steal his leisurely smile. I wanted to steal the smile that I had never been able to make in front of Woo Tae-seon. If I couldn’t do that, then at least a small scratch, at least that much.

He says he likes me. If you really like me, maybe there’s a revenge I can take. That’s what I thought.

* * *

In truth, I knew. That I couldn’t threaten or even influence Woo Tae-seon. I didn’t have the power or the background to corner him. I couldn’t even physically subdue him.

But I couldn’t just stay still like this. I had to do something. If only I disappeared, if only I vanished and there would be no problems, that would be too unfair to me.

So I thought about ways to get revenge on Woo Tae-seon, ways to pay him back. I kept recalling the moments when cracks appeared in Woo Tae-seon’s composed face.

I couldn’t tell if my rapidly beating heart was from the urgency to act before he noticed, or from the pleasure of thinking about finally hitting Woo Tae-seon from behind. I just felt like I needed to do something, anything. What would make Woo Tae-seon the angriest…

Ah, I found a way to get revenge on Woo Tae-seon who loves me.

The bathroom was filled with misty steam from the warm water pouring from the ceiling. The shower had ended a while ago, but I had something left to do.

Even though I had steeled my resolve countless times, dozens, hundreds of times, I still hesitated for a long time just to write a single message. I kept pressing the keys with trembling hands, writing and then deleting, over and over again.

[Thinking about it, it’s unfair.]

[Did you think I could only have sex with you?]

[I did it with you, why can’t I do it with other men.]

It took a long time to press Enter for the first message, but the second and third were easier.

I turned off my phone completely without checking whether the yellow number had disappeared or was still there. My face reflected on the black screen trembled. I realized a bit late that it was because my hand holding the phone was shaking.

I banged the back of my head against the tiled wall, wondering if what I was doing was right. I had never thought I would end up in a motel with someone I had met less than an hour ago. Is this right? No, will this really work out?

I was anxious. I had said I would get revenge on Woo Tae-seon, but could I really succeed at this? No, would this even work on Woo Tae-seon? Having already lost my judgment and patience, I was anxious and impatient about everything. My mind, running wild on its own, threw itself into every fire like kindling.

Belated regret rushed in, but the message would have already been sent to him. I took a deep, long breath to calm my anxiety.

Yes, perhaps this was the perfect method. Woo Tae-seon always got jealous over trivial things. That’s right. This could work, and it could deal a blow to Woo Tae-seon.

So the only thing I could bet on was Woo Tae-seon’s heart. Paradoxically, after saying it wasn’t even funny, I had to believe his words that he loved me.

It was actually four hours ago that I had found my way to the alley said to be filled with gay bars.

Colorful entrances lit up with various lights throughout the alley, but I couldn’t enter any of them and had been loitering for over three hours when a strange man approached me. He said he had been watching me for a while and wondered why I was standing there without going in.

‘Is this your first time?’

The answer was unnecessary both for me who heard the question and for the man who asked it. My fidgeting appearance was too obvious.

Since we had started talking like this, it must have been fate—pulling at the man’s clothes was a planned impulse.

‘Why? Can’t you drink?’

‘…I, want, want to go somewhere.’

‘Where? Do you know a good place?’

I couldn’t speak, like a mute who had eaten honey. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe I should just go back now. Just as I was about to let go of the man’s clothes, he laughed loudly.

‘Ah. You say it’s your first time, but you’re bold. Are you fearless?’

I couldn’t tell him it wasn’t my first time.

Looking at my turned-off phone, I imagined how Woo Tae-seon would look receiving my message. Would he be angry? Would he be smirking as if it was ridiculous? Or maybe he wouldn’t care at all. But what I could be certain of was that he wouldn’t be pleased.

Anyway, this was the only thing I could do to scratch Woo Tae-seon, yet I felt confident as if I had plotted a great revenge. Somehow feeling like I had stepped away from Woo Tae-seon, I even felt joyful with a slight thrill.

In fact, I was constantly thinking only of Woo Tae-seon throughout, but I was too excited to notice this.

As the translucent glass door covering the bathroom closed, I heard the electronic sound of the automatic door lock engaging. Looking around the room with a puzzled expression, I saw the man, who I thought would be sitting on the bed, coming in from the door area.

“You’re out now? That took a while.”

“Ah, yes…”

“I bought this.”

The man shook the heavy convenience store bag he was holding in one hand. Through the slightly transparent white plastic bag, I could see several beer cans and a couple of garishly packaged snacks that appeared to be appetizers.

So that’s why I heard the door closing. I nodded.