It was a black card with four digits engraved in gold that gleamed in all directions when turned.
Had he moved? Was that why he kept coming to my house lately? I briefly had such thoughts but quickly brushed them away and accepted the key card Woo Tae-seon gave me.
“You’re accepting it right away. That’s nice.”
If it wasn’t for that comment, I might have taken the card without thinking anything of it.
‘Why can’t you just accept it right away when I give you something?’
If only those words that Woo Tae-seon had repeatedly said to me hadn’t crossed my mind.
“…This isn’t the key card to your house, is it?”
“You’ll like it too, Teacher. I chose a place with beautiful night views. Since you seem to enjoy having sex while looking at that sort of thing.”
“Just tell me quickly what this is.”
“Don’t call other men to that house.”
The meaning was that the house this card key could open wasn’t Woo Tae-seon’s house, but mine. Woo Tae-seon’s whims were truly impossible to gauge. Why he was suddenly acting like someone desperate to give me something. I couldn’t understand it at all.
“I heard you need at least three keys if you want to bring men with the character ‘sa’ in their names, so now you have one left.”
“How can I, how can I accept a house?”
“What, do I need a reason?”
“I can’t accept this. I can’t.”
“It’s uncomfortable having sex in that cramped place, and I don’t like seeing you holding back your sounds. Do I need more reasons?”
“…What?”
“I thought you’d complain if I transferred the ownership too, so I’m just telling you to come live there, and you don’t like that either?”
Not that he had ever given anything kindly. Of course, even if he had, it wouldn’t have made me feel any better about it.
No, I felt shame every time I received something from Woo Tae-seon. Woo Tae-seon handed things over one by one as he pleased, and I couldn’t even dare to refuse. It took great courage even to return them.
“…I don’t need it. I said I don’t need it.”
“Why? What don’t you like about it?”
“The way you toss things at me, it makes me feel bad.”
Yes, Woo Tae-seon tossed things. He especially did this after having messy sex. He acted as if he were tossing payment for services to me.
So after an excruciatingly long session of sex, when I was collapsed on the bed, I had once imagined wads of money floating down on me as I lay naked, covered in sticky semen. Which meant that even now, I felt like shitty money sticking to skin covered in red marks.
“Then what should I give you that you’d like?”
“There’s nothing like that.”
“Play hard to get a bit and then tell me.”
“…How could payment for sex ever feel good!”
I stood up abruptly as if shouting, and simultaneously, Woo Tae-seon pulled my arm. Changing positions was very simple and easy, and it happened in an instant.
I fell onto the sofa, and Woo Tae-seon quickly climbed on top of me. As naturally as if this were our original position.
“Payment for sex?”
His growling eyes suddenly came very close. So close that only his fierce eyes could fill my vision.
“We haven’t had sex, so what payment are you talking about?”
“…What?”
“Should I fuck you now? Then will you accept it after that?”
I was the stupid bird flapping its wings in the air, looking only at the sky, not realizing it had been pierced by an arrow. Each time I blinked my eyes, I understood his words one by one. Even trying to flap my wings with all my might while looking at the sky I had been flying in until just a moment ago, my wings had already been snapped.
He pressed and suppressed me using everything he had. I’ll take it, I’ll take it. Even squeezing my vocal cords felt as if Woo Tae-seon had strangled my throat to make me produce a voice.
Only after Woo Tae-seon moved away from me did I notice my throbbing forearm. The marks he had left on me weren’t just the dark red marks made by his lips.
“If you want sex, just say you want it. Don’t speak in such a shitty way that makes people feel bad.”
I had bought wine once. I wanted to try to understand him. I knew it was an exaggerated way of thinking, but to confused me, even a thin cord looked like a rope that could tie a ship.
I remember frowning at the bitter taste that spread throughout my mouth just from touching my tongue a little. I forced myself to drink one sip at a time, but in the end, I couldn’t even finish half the bottle and had to pour all the remaining wine down the sink with my flushed, relaxed eyes.
I quietly looked down at the blood-colored liquid gurgling out of the green wine bottle and thought: I would never be able to understand him, just like now. Because he and I standing in front of the same thing were too different. Woo Tae-seon and I were different. So the reason for all my confusion was one thing. It was just because of his whims.
Even in calm tranquility, I couldn’t feel at ease. Because I never knew when the voice that disparaged and mocked me would burst out. It was all just his whim. That was the answer I had finally reached after long confusion.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
