47.
“This won’t do. Hyung, come sit over here for a moment.”
With their destination in sight, Choi Jae-won seemed to care more about Ryu Ho-yeon who was inexplicably in tears, and led him to a nearby bench. Ryu Ho-yeon wiped his wet cheeks repeatedly without much emotion. It had been a while since he’d cried like this. Probably the first time since the day he barged into his mother’s office.
“This is driving me crazy, why do you keep crying? What’s so upsetting?”
“I’m the one crying, so why are you going crazy? And I’m not particularly upset. I think it’s prejudiced to assume people only cry because they’re upset. I don’t want my Guide to be someone with such narrow-minded values.”
“…”
Strangely, the back of his head tingled. Seeing Ryu Ho-yeon speaking so eloquently despite streaming tears, Choi Jae-won felt somewhat relieved. He had worried his heart sinking, wondering if he’d misunderstood, if Ryu Ho-yeon still felt sad seeing Park Woo-jun and Lee Han-seo together… but given how well he was articulating, these tears didn’t seem to be from genuine sadness.
A cool breeze swept past the bench. After repeatedly wiping his tears until his shirt sleeves were soaked, Ryu Ho-yeon eventually gave up trying to dry the flowing streams. Then Choi Jae-won’s handkerchief, which hadn’t yet declared surrender, quickly touched his face. He pushed the hand away.
“It’s fine, just leave it. It feels refreshing. I want to cry a bit more like this.”
“Excuse me…?”
After frightening him by suddenly bursting into tears, now he claims it’s refreshing and wants to cry more. The fact that the person he loved so desperately wasn’t someone with a normal way of thinking often stripped away Choi Jae-won’s composure, like frost falling suddenly. Fortunately, being near the guest quarters, there were few people around.
“This is strange, really.”
“…”
“Really strange…”
It seemed Ryu Ho-yeon also knew he was being strange. Choi Jae-won thought that was at least somewhat of a relief.
Ryu Ho-yeon continued to cry in that state for about ten more minutes. It wasn’t a very long time compared to dredging up and pouring out old emotions that had been bottled up for so many years.
As Choi Jae-won had previously surmised, until a few years ago, Ryu Ho-yeon had felt great frustration whenever he stood before Park Woo-jun. Why couldn’t I love Lee Han-seo like that? Why did I just watch as Lee Han-seo suffered? Though he lacked the decency to hold back Lee Han-seo when he left, he endlessly resented and felt uncomfortable around Park Woo-jun. It was because he was so envious. Even when Choi Jae-won first entered the Center, those feelings remained the same.
However, deep inside Ryu Ho-yeon, even longer than his envy of Park Woo-jun, there was another feeling of envy toward someone else.
The object of his envy was none other than Lee Han-seo.
Although his feelings of guilt and affection toward Lee Han-seo were overwhelmingly large and usually overshadowed it, in truth, from the moment they first met, Ryu Ho-yeon had envied Lee Han-seo.
“…Hello. I’m Lee Han-seo. I’ll be eight when the new year comes. I heard we’re the same age. Right?”
The shock of their first meeting was still vivid. It would probably never be forgotten until death.
For Ryu Ho-yeon, who had grown up surrounded only by adults affiliated with the laboratory, the day he first met Lee Han-seo was the first time in his life he had contact with an ordinary child his age. Despite having just heard him sobbing that he wanted to go home, Lee Han-seo extended his hand to Ryu Ho-yeon first, smiling brightly with dimples forming on his chubby cheeks.
He already knew the dictionary definition of what a child was. Even then, Ryu Ho-yeon was already immersed in various animated cartoons. But meeting a ‘child’ in the real world—unlike the researchers, with short limbs, baby fat that smelled like caramel, and honestly expressing both laughter and tears—a real-world ‘child.’
“I’m going to be your Guide. So you’ll be my Esper, right?”
“…Yes.”
“Good. You’re pretty. I’ll specially make you my Esper.”
“…Thank you.”
Ryu Ho-yeon, who rarely spoke directly with others at that time, had terribly awkward pronunciation compared to his reading and writing abilities. Meanwhile, Lee Han-seo, even with a front tooth missing, chirped longer sentences more clearly than Ryu Ho-yeon. His lively appearance, like a baby sparrow suddenly appearing on a snow-covered field, was lovely just to look at. He exuded signs of being raised with love throughout his body.
Ryu Ho-yeon envied him. Without even knowing what freedom was, without knowing how to long for freedom. Yet seven-year-old Ryu Ho-yeon still somehow sensed the smell of freedom and affection with uncanny accuracy.
Embarrassed by his pronunciation that resembled that of a five-year-old, Ryu Ho-yeon had desperately practiced pronunciations alone whenever Lee Han-seo came to the Center once a month. He wanted to be like Lee Han-seo. More precisely, he desperately envied ordinary peers growing up outside the Center, but for seven-year-old Ryu Ho-yeon, Lee Han-seo was the epitome of the first ‘ordinary peer’ he had ever met.
Lee Han-seo and he spent many years together. Lee Han-seo would bring his backpack full of textbooks and workbooks, claiming he hadn’t finished his homework, and they would put their heads together, or sometimes he would make Ryu Ho-yeon complete his cramped English handwriting exercises for him. What significance would school homework or grades have for an S-grade Guide whose career path was practically predetermined? Lee Han-seo, too, roughly guessed Ryu Ho-yeon’s admiration through intuition and tried his best to offer whatever small sampler spoon he could extend.
When solving math problems that were so easy he could do them with his eyes closed, using the stubby pencil Lee Han-seo had given him, sometimes Ryu Ho-yeon had the illusion that the laboratory table where he sat with his head down was like a low desk in an elementary school classroom.
Meanwhile, his firm envy gradually burrowed deeper and deeper inside. On top of that envy, various ordinary ‘first’ experiences given by Lee Han-seo accumulated abundantly.
Lee Han-seo was honest in expressing emotions. Brave Lee Han-seo who never hesitated to use his own voice. Lee Han-seo who willingly threw himself into choices that some might criticize.
While being truly glad and happy to be friends with such a Lee Han-seo, Ryu Ho-yeon still envied him a little.
“Hey, Jae-won.”
When he called the now-familiar two-syllable name, a response of “Yes, hyung” followed as if it were natural. Choi Jae-won was always like that. Whenever Ryu Ho-yeon called him, he would reply without delay, “Yes, hyung,” “Yes, hyung.”
Ryu Ho-yeon liked hearing that plain, polite voice tinged with dim consideration and affection. That’s why sometimes he would abruptly open Choi Jae-won’s door and say “Jae-won” without any particular reason. Choi Jae-won never frowned, and whenever Ryu Ho-yeon called, he would just respond with a “Yes” and smile docilely.
“Walking just now, I suddenly realized something. Today I didn’t envy Han-seo at all.”
“…Lee Han-seo? Not Park Woo-jun?”
“Yes. Isn’t that interesting?”
Since Choi Jae-won had never specifically thought Ryu Ho-yeon would envy Lee Han-seo, there was nothing particularly surprising about it. Nevertheless, without showing any sign of surprise, he quietly listened to Ryu Ho-yeon’s continuing words. Just as Ryu Ho-yeon couldn’t understand Choi Jae-won’s values 100 percent, Choi Jae-won couldn’t fully comprehend Ryu Ho-yeon’s values or thoughts either. Even so, even if he was precariously tightrope walking between understanding and misunderstanding, he was always ready to listen to his words without raising questions or criticism.
“It was the first time. With Han-seo and Park Woo-jun. Being with them comfortably without thinking I envied them. I didn’t even realize it until we left after eating. Walking out here with you, strangely I don’t feel lonely at all. Looking back, I find I don’t envy either of them. Spending time normally with someone else, sharing daily life, things like that…”
“…”
“I never knew it was possible for me too. But it’s already happening. Without me even realizing it.”
Ryu Ho-yeon’s eyes, with a faint blue tint, glistened admirably while still moist with tears. “Thank you… I think it’s because you’ve been by my side,” his plump lips murmured as if in a dream.
“What? Hyung, what did you just say…!”
The scene was so dreamlike that Choi Jae-won had to let those long-desired words slip away without properly imprinting them in his mind.
“What did you just say? Hyung! Just once, just once more please!”
“It’s cold. I want to go inside now.”
“Hyung! Ho-yeon hyung!”
Ryu Ho-yeon’s habit of saying his piece and abruptly turning to leave remained unchanged, and Choi Jae-won hurriedly followed after him. It was a small fragment of daily life that seemed very similar to when they first met, but in reality, had changed a great deal.
