33.
Trudge, trudge, trudge. The sound of weakened footsteps dragged long like a tail on the floor. Perhaps it reflected the hesitation and confusion of the person walking.
“…”
He just wanted to disappear cleanly from this earth like foam. The specialness he had always been conscious of proved terribly accurate once again. It was just… terrible. Suddenly, like a child who had found a toy he wanted, he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs, stomping his feet, and throwing a tantrum. The fact that he wanted to do this in front of his parents rather than anyone else was particularly childish.
Kim Jun-young, who had been walking this corridor with him until just moments ago, had already disappeared from Ryu Ho-yeon’s side. At least that was fortunate… Having thought this far, Ryu Ho-yeon again drew a deep sigh from the bottom of his solar plexus. The exhaled sigh was just cold.
‘Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.’ ‘Hyung.’ ‘Well… Honestly, if I had heard this a few years ago, it might have had some impact, but now it doesn’t really matter much. I was surprised, but that’s all.’
It was extremely shameful and guilty to call it fortunate, but what was truly somewhat fortunate was that Kim Jun-young was a person who had emotionally become independent from the wounds and events he had to endure in the past.
Or was it just because he was there? Was Kim Jun-young just unable to show his true feelings in front of him? Ryu Ho-yeon hesitated. The person who always boldly made choices was nowhere to be found. Only a wavering human was drifting in the middle of a straight corridor that made him hesitate despite not even being at a crossroads.
‘There’s no rush to worry about me, we can talk properly later. I got a message from Jung-hyuk. Your Guide has woken up. Do you want to go see him right away? Or the Director first?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Ho-yeon.’ ‘I really don’t know, hyung. What to do, who to meet and what to say… I don’t know anything at all.’
He couldn’t blame Choi Jae-won. He couldn’t resent his mother either. Whatever they had done or tried to do. After all, his original sin had made them act that way. Yes, original sin. It must be original sin. He just shouldn’t have been born. He shouldn’t have even been conceived in his mother’s womb, not knowing who his father was, having no roots to speak of.
Ryu Ho-yeon’s astonishingly beautiful appearance, which often led to comments that he didn’t look like a living human at all, wasn’t actually completely Asian features. Ryu Ho-yeon was an unwanted child conceived unintentionally while the Research Director was completing her post-doctoral program abroad in her youth.
Because of his conception, his mother had to hurriedly return to Korea without finishing her program, and to make matters worse, at just 15 weeks of pregnancy, he was classified as an innate ability user, requiring his mother to consistently receive guiding substitutes that were physically demanding for ordinary people until the day of his birth. No matter how much money or how good the technology, there was no way to reverse the deteriorated condition of the liver and kidneys. Healing Espers could only cover external injuries like broken bones and torn skin; they were helpless against the deterioration of organs themselves.
From the very moment of his conception, he had stolen his mother’s glorious youth and planned achievements. Even if such a mother, because of blind affection… committed acts that could only be ethically condemned, even if everyone in the world threw stones at her, how could Ryu Ho-yeon, of all people, who was the beneficiary of that blind affection, dare to resent her? It wasn’t her fault that he lacked the courage to die.
The habit of not being able to cry even in the face of overwhelming despair was much more painful to witness than the habit of crying at every little thing. Kim Jun-young, using his authority as Acting Head, abruptly gave Ryu Ho-yeon a week’s vacation when he stood there with an empty expression, saying he didn’t know what to do.
‘You know where the residence Jung-hyuk and I used to use before, right? Not the detached house you’re in now.’ ‘…Yeah.’ ‘We’ve kept it empty because we didn’t want anyone else using it. I’ll send you the password by message, so take a good rest there for a week without thinking about anything. If you don’t want to meet Choi Jae-won or the Director, you don’t have to. For now, just go back today, take a warm shower without thinking about anything, and get a good night’s sleep.’ ‘A whole week? What about the dungeons during that time?’ ‘I’m not that old yet. I can cover for a week by myself. Come on, nod quickly. Quickly!’
Kim Jun-young would have liked to take him to the current residence where he lived with Lee Jung-hyuk to monitor him and prevent idle thoughts, but knowing Ryu Ho-yeon’s personality, he knew that would only make him feel more apologetic and guilty, so he half-forcibly gave him the vacation. Even though his eyelids felt burning hot and stinging, not a single tear flowed. It just felt bitter.
After Kim Jun-young left to return to work, Ryu Ho-yeon, now alone, thought he should head to the former residence as instructed. He started moving his legs diligently, but somehow, despite walking quite a bit, he was still inside the main building. He suddenly realized that for the past few minutes, he had been circling the same place repeatedly. It was near the executive office assigned to the Research Director.
Upon realizing this, his feet itched unbearably. He felt he couldn’t bear it if he didn’t go there right away. Still not knowing what to say or how to broach the subject, Ryu Ho-yeon impulsively broke away from the route he had been circling.
“Oh, Esper! Are you here to see the Director?”
As he turned the corner, the secretary who managed his mother’s schedule greeted him warmly. Ryu Ho-yeon returned the greeting casually and then, without even asking if his mother was inside, flung open the door to the office.
“Who is… Oh my, my son!”
The Research Director, who had been frantically reviewing mountains of approval documents with reading glasses perched on the tip of her nose, recognized the welcome intruder, smiled brightly, and put down her pen. It was the unchanging appearance of his mother that he knew well.
In fact, the Research Director and Ryu Ho-yeon didn’t resemble each other at all. Judging from his white skin with a distinctly Western feel and his unusually light pigmentation, his other facial features must have also inherited many characteristics from his unknown father.
Among those who first saw Ryu Ho-yeon’s beautiful face, some would occasionally, very rudely, expect the Research Director, who had given birth to him as an unmarried woman, to be beautiful as well, only to openly express disappointment at her appearance, which hardly resembled Ryu Ho-yeon. Most of these rude individuals were people who had enough power to easily dismiss someone of the Center’s Research Director’s position.
In any case, Ryu Ho-yeon was still proud of and fond of his mother. (To be clear, the “still” here refers not to her not being beautiful, but to her not resembling him at all.)
With a mind more brilliant than anyone else’s, handling work more coldly and competently than anyone else, she had gritted her teeth and climbed to the very top of her field despite carrying the burden of Ryu Ho-yeon. Even the Research Director herself might not fully grasp how proud and honored Ryu Ho-yeon was to have such a strong person as his mother.
“What brings you here without notice? Did you come because you missed mom? Are you receiving guiding well these days? I’ve been so busy preparing for conferences that I haven’t been able to properly look after my son.”
Even if the busy Research Director herself couldn’t keep track, the secretary he had just encountered outside the door would organize and send Ryu Ho-yeon the Research Director’s schedule every Monday. This week’s schedule for the Research Director was typically busy.
She had just returned yesterday afternoon after finishing a regular international conference, and after quickly handling the backlog of work today, she would have to start preparing for a seminar on advanced technology sharing within government agencies, hosted by the Ministry of Science and Technology, starting tomorrow.
Having long considered himself an excessive burden from birth, Ryu Ho-yeon had wanted to be a filial son in front of his mother for a long time, and this intention had already become a deeply rooted habit. So this time too, his first thought was whether he should bring this up when his mother was so busy.
Perhaps because there were so few people within his boundaries? Ryu Ho-yeon had a tendency to be devotedly dedicated, almost to the point of foolishness, to those within his boundaries. And at the innermost part of those narrow and deep boundaries was indeed his mother who had given birth to him.
“Hmm, my son seems a bit strange today. Does my baby have something difficult going on?”
The Research Director asked again, finding it strange that her son had barged in suddenly without stating any business. Ryu Ho-yeon bit the inside of his cheek once, hard, before barely opening his mouth.
“Mom.” “Yes.” “Why, why did you do it.” “Huh? What do you mean all of a sudden?” “To Jun-young hyung…, to Choi Jae-won… Why on earth did you do that?”
