What Kind of Relationship (8)
A full day passed without properly concluding about living together. Several times I almost said I should return to my home, but every time I saw Sa Hae-geon’s face, the words disappeared.
‘I should do Guiding for him again soon…’
After a few experiences, Sa Hae-geon had become very sensitive about receiving Guiding from me. But we couldn’t avoid it completely. Especially since Sa Hae-geon needed a lot of Guiding.
I stared at Cream sleeping snugly in Sa Hae-geon’s arms and spoke up.
“Hae-geon.”
“Yes?”
Sa Hae-geon turned his head to look at me while patting Cream to sleep. His blue eyes blinked, waiting for me to continue. To restart his Guiding, I needed to bring up the topic I’d been putting off. I was still hesitant, but my father’s advice to not make a habit of hiding things kept echoing in my mind, so I was leaning towards having an honest conversation.
My only concern was how Sa Hae-geon would react. When I had briefly mentioned it before, Sa Hae-geon didn’t react badly. Although he got a bit sensitive when asking how I felt about him, he seemed basically curious if I had sensed his emotions again.
How should I bring this up? I had called out to him, but the words wouldn’t come easily. While I was mulling over what to say, Sa Hae-geon quietly watched me, waiting for me to speak.
For such important issues, it’s best not to beat around the bush.
“…You know how I told you before that I felt your emotions during Guiding.”
I finally managed to start, and Sa Hae-geon stiffened at my words. The anxiety briefly visible in his eyes quickly subsided. He seemed afraid I might say I was going home or that living together would be difficult.
Does he think those are the only things I might say to him? Sometimes Sa Hae-geon appeared excessively dejected.
“Yes…”
Sa Hae-geon replied with a slightly cracked voice. His eyes, fixed on me, were turbulent like a raging sea.
“I’m sorry for only telling you now, but I’ve actually felt it several times since mentioning it then.”
“…”
“To be honest, I deliberately hid it. I was just anxious. It’s not like you wanted your emotions to come through. Of course, I didn’t want to pry into your feelings either.”
“…”
There was no response from Sa Hae-geon. …Could he be upset? Even though I thought he might be, I couldn’t help feeling self-conscious. How many people could take lightly being told their emotions were being peeked at? I waited for Sa Hae-geon’s reaction before adding:
“From what I figured out, it seemed to happen mostly when your wavelength was unstable or when you hadn’t received much Guiding. But I’m not entirely sure.”
“…Is that so?”
Sa Hae-geon’s face as he quietly asked back was ambiguous. It was hard to gauge how he was taking this. Whether he was upset, okay with it, or concerned. Sa Hae-geon’s expression was too vague to clearly define.
After slowly blinking his eyes and seeming to ponder for a moment, Sa Hae-geon soon spoke.
“What… did you feel?”
“It varied each time… There were times of extreme happiness, and times of distress.”
Sa Hae-geon frowned at my words.
“Is that why you were struggling?”
His voice was gruff, as if displeased. His expression was also concerning, so I could only give an evasive answer.
“Huh? Oh, well…”
“Don’t try to brush it off. Were all those times your expression suddenly turned bad during Guiding because of me?”
“No, I can’t say it was because of you…”
“It’s the same thing.”
Before I knew it, Sa Hae-geon had laid Cream down beside him and was staring straight at me. Under his penetrating gaze, I found myself fidgeting with my fingers. How should I put it? I felt like a criminal who had committed a grave offense.
…Well, it does seem to be my fault.
I answered with a feeling of deep remorse.
“It’s true that was the reason, but I don’t mean it was your fault. And it wasn’t that bad. It didn’t hurt or anything.”
“Then?”
“It was just a bit difficult because something that wasn’t mine was coming through. Um, if I had to compare it to something, maybe it’s like growing pains when you get taller?”
However, Sa Hae-geon’s eyes immediately sharpened at my explanation.
“How are growing pains not painful?”
“No, that’s just a figure of speech. It’s just an example. Really, it’s fine.”
“Hyung.”
“Hae-geon, I told you before, remember? That I would have struggled less if you had received Guiding regularly. Remember?”
“How is that the same as this?”
“It is. The more you avoided Guiding, the more emotions came through. Anyway, from today on, receive Guiding properly. Okay?”
Sa Hae-geon’s lips jutted out in a pout. I poked his duck-like protruding lips with my index finger while chiding him.
“Why are you doing this?”
Each time I pressed his soft, squishy lips, I felt a strange sensation. …How should I put it? It felt like I was doing something I shouldn’t. Sa Hae-geon’s eyes trembled as he looked at me, and the atmosphere became a bit peculiar.
Startled, I belatedly withdrew my hand, but it seemed too late. The surprised Sa Hae-geon grabbed my wrist and opened his eyes wide. Feeling Sa Hae-geon’s cool temperature on my skin, I snapped to my senses. What did I just do?
Not only Sa Hae-geon’s cheeks, but my face was also flushed with heat.
“Uh, sorry…”
“I-It’s okay. I was just a bit surprised. I-I’ll go to bed first. Sleep well too, hyung. See you tomorrow.”
Sa Hae-geon blurted out his words, then got up from the sofa and hurried to his room. It seemed he was quite startled by the sudden touch. I was surprised too at how naturally my hand moved, but to Sa Hae-geon, it might sound like an excuse.
Left alone with Cream in the living room, I scratched the back of my head while staring at the door Sa Hae-geon had gone through.
* * *
The next morning, Sa Hae-geon and I faced each other at the breakfast table as if we didn’t remember yesterday’s embarrassing incident. Well, actually, I remembered yesterday’s events clearly. That’s why I was pondering how to explain yesterday’s actions while eating the jajang rice (made with chunjang Sa Hae-geon had stir-fried himself) and egg soup.
However, Sa Hae-geon, who had fled first yesterday, was calmly chewing his food with a peaceful face, making it difficult to bring up the subject. I wondered if he had already forgotten about it, and if mentioning it would just be stirring things up unnecessarily.
Sa Hae-geon was continuing his meal with the same expression as usual, just like any other day. In the end, I had no choice but to wait until his bowl was empty before bringing it up.
“About yesterday.”
“…Yes?”
Sa Hae-geon’s body jerked noticeably as he was about to lift his cup to drink water. He looked at me with a bewildered gaze.
“I’m sorry about yesterday. I surprised you by suddenly touching your lips, right?”
“…”
“It’s not like I wanted to do that… My hand just moved on its own, no. What was meant to be a light joke turned into…”
Even as I stumbled through my words, I couldn’t help but laugh at how absurd it was.
“…I don’t usually joke around like that, I don’t know why I did it yesterday. I’m sorry.”
Could it be that the subtle distance created by the word ‘kidnapper’ had been resolved, causing the wall in my heart to crumble a bit? Why did I do something I don’t usually do and create this mess?
Sa Hae-geon, who had been silent at my apology, spoke softly.
“…It’s okay. I wasn’t upset.”
“Still, I should apologize for what I need to apologize for.”
“I just… I’m happy that we seem to have gotten close enough for you to joke around like that.”
Sa Hae-geon mumbled with reddened ears, then got up and cleared his dishes. I stared blankly at Sa Hae-geon’s back before putting down the spoon I was holding on the table. My chest felt a bit itchy. Have I been lacking in moisturizing lately…? It seemed like a good idea to get a highly moisturizing body lotion.
