#117
“No, I won’t change. I won’t.”
“Then what’s the problem? What’s so difficult for you?”
The conversation had gradually gone off track. Jaeha’s face while driving appeared expressionless at first glance. Eunhong’s thoughts began to run wild. The idea that Jaeha only wanted to date him without planning any future together filled his mind. It felt like someone had suddenly poured cold water on his head.
“Pull over.”
“What? No.”
“How many times have you said ‘no’ already? Pull over now!”
“……”
The conversation stopped at Eunhong’s angry outburst. Seeming to realize he had no choice, Jaeha pulled over to the side of the road as requested. As soon as the car stopped, Eunhong got out and started walking, with Jaeha quickly following suit.
“Eunhong, don’t just get angry. Think about it carefully, okay?”
Though his tone was gentle as he followed, it didn’t soothe Eunhong’s heart.
Eunhong knew what Jaeha meant. Just as clearly as 1+1=2, he understood what was correct and rational when it came to this problem.
Still, this was all Jaeha’s fault. Because you’ve been too good to me, because you’re all I need in my life, I can’t even think about anyone but you…
After walking for a while as if he couldn’t hear anything, Eunhong suddenly stopped. When he sharply turned his head, Jaeha also halted abruptly.
“I think you’re right.”
As Eunhong spoke with a distorted expression, Jaeha bit his lip.
“Like you said, let’s meet Professor Choi for a proper diagnosis and find a solution. Let’s get rid of this imprinting or whatever it is before it progresses further. I think I got too excited and rushed ahead. I’m sorry if it was sudden.”
“…Eunhong. That’s not what I meant.”
“How far you want to go with me, how far you wanted us to be together… I think I… misunderstood that extent.”
“No, that’s not it… I…”
Eunhong waited as Jaeha hesitated to answer. Seeing him unable to speak what was inside and swallowing it back down as if his throat contained a lump of lead, Eunhong clenched his fist tightly.
He wanted to grab Jaeha’s shoulders and shake him. What is it? What problem are you hiding? What do you really want to say? Having known Jaeha for so long, he wasn’t unfamiliar with his personality. He had long suspected there was something—something festering inside him.
Yet there was only one reason for the sudden surge of hurt, disappointment, and resentment: Why can’t you talk to me? Am I that insignificant to you?
The longer Jaeha delayed his answer, the larger the ball of fire grew in Eunhong’s chest. Eunhong exhaled a long, slow breath.
“I’m going home separately today. Dinner… I’ll manage on my own.”
“We live in the same house anyway. Let’s go back together. We can talk more on the way…”
Jaeha’s voice cracked. Eunhong’s heart ached with each step he took backward.
“I want to think alone… and cool my head off.”
Eunhong looked at Jaeha for a moment before turning around and quickening his steps as if escaping. He was in no state to share a car and dinner with Jaeha. Right now, he desperately wanted to be alone. He thought perhaps his feelings would settle somewhat if he cleared his mind while feeling the cold wind.
“Eunhong, don’t do this. Let’s go home together.”
Jaeha continued to follow Eunhong as he walked quickly. His voice was even desperate. But that desperation only made Eunhong angrier. Now stubbornness had set in, and his forehead felt warm with rising anger.
Eunhong stopped once and told Jaeha not to follow, but Jaeha wasn’t one to listen. After walking for a while at a distance, Eunhong suddenly started running when he saw the subway station.
He intended to take the subway and leave. Eunhong rapidly moved his feet, jumping down the subway stairs three or four at a time. Since it was earlier than rush hour, he dashed into the sparse station concourse.
“Ban Eunhong!”
“I told you not to follow me!”
Eunhong glanced back at Jaeha’s call and almost got caught. Jaeha was sticking close to Eunhong like a hunting dog chasing a rabbit. The two ran fiercely through the station as if engaged in a chase.
What saved Eunhong from being caught was the turnstile. Unlike Eunhong, who smoothly tapped his card and passed through with the skill of years of commuting, Jaeha was stopped by the barrier that shot out with a loud warning sound.
“Ban Eunhong, stop right there!”
Jaeha tried to jump over, but a station attendant rushed over to stop him. Despite handing over a wad of cash from his wallet when told the fare evasion penalty was 30 times the regular fare, by the time he resumed his chase, Eunhong had long disappeared on the subway that had just arrived.
“…This is driving me crazy.”
I hope he’s not crying alone again. Jaeha paced the empty platform with his lips tightly bitten. He roughly pushed back his disheveled hair in frustration. Whether from the sudden run or his complicated feelings, his heart pounded loudly.
***
Leaning against the subway door, lost in thought, Eunhong suddenly looked up to see the empty car interior. When he hurriedly got off at the unfamiliar station name, he found himself at the end of the line. After looking around the empty platform, Eunhong slumped down weakly on a bench.
White numbers flickered on his black wristwatch, showing the time. After tapping the screen a few times, information like pheromone levels and heart rate alternately appeared. Staring blankly at the watch, Eunhong suddenly roughly undid the strap and held it in his right hand.
With a force suggesting he might throw it away, he gripped it tightly, jumped up, and paced the platform, staring at a trash can for a long time.
“……”
The sudden spike of spite refused to subside easily and tormented his heart. His right hand holding the watch trembled.
He couldn’t help but find Jaeha’s cold-sounding proposal to somehow fix the imprinting deeply hurtful. Perhaps he was more shocked because Jaeha was someone who usually gave him everything. Maybe he had been too certain.
“How could you ask me what I’ll do if your feelings change?”
He wanted to make Jaeha worry. He wanted Jaeha to think he had disappeared and become anxious. A terrible desire kept rising—to appear before Jaeha when he was going through hell and withering away, to grasp his leash and get his bare heart stripped of all protection.
Am I someone you can give up on?
Eunhong staggered and sat down. Half of him wanted to make Jaeha anxious, and half worried what would happen if Jaeha grew tired of him. He couldn’t tell whether it was dating that was difficult or Jaeha.
After wandering outside for a long time, he returned to find the house empty as expected. As soon as Eunhong entered the quiet entrance hall, he threw off his bag. It was inexplicably heavy.
As he entered the dark house, lights turned on one by one, following his movements. The frighteningly clean interior, always maintained by regular housekeepers, sometimes resembled a model home, a feeling that intensified on days when he entered alone.
“……”
Eunhong lifted his wrist and looked at the watch. In the end, he couldn’t throw it away and wore it obediently. The black, simple design strongly resembled Jaeha.
“I’m home now, so it’s fine, right?”
Eunhong spoke to the watch as if Jaeha could hear him, then took it off along with his clothes and headed to the bathroom.
In the mirror stood a version of himself with an unfamiliar expression. I’ve never fought with Jaeha like this before… Eunhong covered his dry eyes and stood for a while, then filled the bathtub with hot water. He thought soaking for a long time might help dispel this feeling.
At the same time, in the underground parking lot below the house, Jaeha was looking at his phone with his head bowed. The green circle had stopped blinking at the location of the house. Soon after, the pheromone signal was also cut off. Eunhong must have taken it off and thrown it away.
‘I told you not to follow me!’
That one sentence echoed vividly in his ears.
Jaeha buried his face in his arm resting on the steering wheel. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.
“……”
He felt incredibly stupid. Why was it so difficult for him to speak to Eunhong? By hiding like a fool, he felt his lies snowballing. It wasn’t just his problem; it concerned Eunhong’s body, and concealing it was clearly his mistake.
After Eunhong’s manifestation, he had been almost terrifyingly happy, and equally frightened. Eunhong had asked what was so difficult and complicated. He could fully understand that feeling. He didn’t even understand himself. It seemed he had censored himself for so long that he had forgotten how to be honest.
He thought he could handle it well, but he had been arrogant. If he had been determined not to become like his father, who had ruined someone precious with his obsession, he shouldn’t have kept Eunhong by his side. In the end, he was just like his father. He had inherited the very trait he despised most. Knowing how his mother had withered under his father, he shouldn’t have acted this way.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
