#110
But the answer was always simple. It was he who was not simple and always needed help from others. What hyung was thinking now, what he was feeling, wasn’t really important. What mattered most was what he himself was thinking, what he was feeling.
Ha-min took a deep breath as if to calm himself, and looked straight at Tae-in.
“…I’ll be going now.”
“Alright.”
At Ha-min’s somewhat determined voice, Tae-in nodded with a Buddha-like smile, as if he understood everything. Ha-min whispered a quiet “thank you” and quickly walked away.
**
He had been sick a few times, but each time it was hyung who came to check on him and take care of things. It wasn’t just human decency to ignore someone who said they were sick, and he wasn’t cold-hearted enough to disregard it.
And as Tae-in said, he was worried… Regardless of the current situation, he was worried. Putting aside all other issues, that was his current feeling.
So, he arrived at his house with some determination, but naturally, Ha-min hesitated for a moment, feeling a bit nervous.
It was because he hadn’t sorted out what to say to him yet, or how to treat him. The relationship he had said he would end continued to drag on indefinitely, and he was feeling sorry towards Ha-min. If only those emotions could be resolved, could this relationship really be ended cleanly?
He always drew a line with Ha-min, but it was Tae-rim who kept crossing that line. And it was always himself who wavered back and forth…
Huh, let’s stop this.
Ha-min stopped his messy thoughts with a short sigh. He decided to just check if he was okay today, give him the medicine and porridge he had bought, and go back. With that thought, he carefully pressed the doorbell. But there was no response even after pressing it once, and then twice. Could he have… collapsed?
Ha-min, suddenly overwhelmed with greater worry, quickly entered the door lock password. As he opened the door with a beep, a cool air rushed in. In the eerily quiet atmosphere of the house, Ha-min unconsciously tensed his body and walked carefully to avoid making footsteps.
It had always felt empty because it was too big, but not to this extent. As Ha-min tiptoed down the entrance corridor, he was shocked to see the messy state of the living room.
Empty bottles of alcohol were strewn about, leaving debris, and glasses were scattered not only on the table but also on the floor. He had always been one of the tidiest people, always neatly hanging his coat as soon as he got home, but now his usually unwrinkled clothes were scattered all over the sofa.
Ah… Ha-min let out a small sigh, at a loss for words. Not knowing where to start cleaning, he awkwardly stood there before first putting down the things he was carrying in a corner. After clearing away the bottles that might cause injury if stepped on, Ha-min very carefully opened the door to his bedroom, wondering if he might not be home.
A cold air enveloped the room. Whether it was because it was absurdly spacious or because it didn’t smell of people, a chilly air hit him. This made him think he might not be there, but he saw his side profile lying peacefully on the bed.
Seeing him motionless despite the presence of another person, Ha-min quickly approached and examined his complexion. Wondering if he might have fainted, he looked closely and heard his breathing. The breathing sounded a bit rapid, so Ha-min carefully placed his hand on Tae-rim’s forehead, as if afraid it might cave in.
He definitely had a fever. Whether it was a cold or body aches, he wasn’t sure, but just as he was about to go back to the living room thinking he should give him a fever reducer first, his wrist was suddenly grabbed.
“What is it…”
A languid, sunken voice was heard. He got up, tossing and turning without properly opening his eyes, clearly showing displeasure at having his deep sleep disturbed.
“Ah… s-sorry.”
Ha-min stumbled over his words, startled by the cold voice. He hadn’t meant to wake him up. Ha-min stood there awkwardly, frozen in place.
“…Ha-min?”
Tae-rim furrowed his brow, seeming a bit surprised as he finally recognized who it was. He rubbed his eyes once more to clear the sleepiness, as if wondering if he had seen wrong.
“Yeah… Ah, sorry for coming in without permission.”
Remembering that he had entered without the owner’s permission, Ha-min apologized first.
Seeing Ha-min drawing a line and being polite, Tae-rim was about to say something with a seemingly displeased face but stopped. He hesitated again before speaking in a low voice.
“…It’s your home too, why are you sorry?”
“What do you mean… It’s your house, hyung.”
Ha-min let out an awkward laugh, trying to forcibly lighten the stiff atmosphere by saying it wasn’t his house.
“I got this place to live with you. If you don’t come back, it’s meaningless.”
He responded coldly even to Ha-min’s laughter. Ha-min lost his words and bit his lips tightly. What was someone who was going to leave anyway saying? Originally, the promise was that he would stay here for only a month and then leave. Ha-min was about to add something, but Tae-rim beat him to it.
“Have you come back?”
It was Tae-rim who broke the momentary silence. The question of whether he had come back implied whether Ha-min had finished sorting out his thoughts. Ha-min could feel Tae-rim’s direct gaze on him. His face, which was looking at him, appeared slightly flushed due to the fever. Only then did he realize that Tae-rim was currently a patient.
“I heard you were sick. Tae-in…”
Ha-min trailed off, hesitating before adding.
“He said you were alone… so I bought some medicine.”
“…”
“Have you… have you eaten?”
Ha-min stumbled over his words, feeling unnecessarily nervous. He couldn’t help it under that direct gaze.
“Not yet.”
He answered obediently. Pleased by this docile response, Ha-min continued.
“…I brought some porridge too.”
“…”
“Do you want to eat the porridge and take the medicine…?”
Although he was still handsome, he couldn’t hide his haggard appearance, and Ha-min couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Seeing Ha-min’s worried look, he stared at him intently for a moment, his lips tightly closed as if deep in thought.
“…”
“Are you in a lot of pain?”
Wondering if he was too sick to even answer, Ha-min asked again more carefully. He moved his lips slightly, then stopped his contemplation.
“…I’m dizzy.”
There was a hint of complaint in his words, but Ha-min thought his condition must not be good and started to panic.
“Oh, you’re dizzy?”
“Yeah.”
“Very? Lie down again. No, wait, do you want to go to the hospital?”
Somehow feeling that his illness might be because of him, Ha-min felt even worse. He grabbed Tae-rim’s blanket to make him lie down again, then hesitated, suddenly taking out his phone and unlocking it as if to call 119. Tae-rim stared at him intently, as if not wanting to miss any of his actions. Under that direct gaze, Ha-min finally stopped his frantic movements.
“Why…?”
As if asking why he was looking at him like that, Ha-min touched his own face. Then, realizing he had overreacted, he couldn’t hide his embarrassed expression.
“…Did you come because you were worried about me?”
His voice, lacking in intonation, fell heavily. At the direct gaze and blunt words, Ha-min couldn’t hide his awkwardness and bit his lower lip.
“…When you’re sick, you feel lonely.”
“…”
“And you always took care of me whenever I was sick…”
“You got sick because of me.”
“…”
“All the times you were sick were because of me.”
He referred to the past. There were a couple of times he had been sick after meeting him. The first was when they had their first intimate encounter, and he had slept with Ha-min as if venting his anger, causing Ha-min to suffer all night. The next was recently, when he discovered Ha-min’s wrist. But to say it was his fault seemed incorrect. Firstly, it was Ha-min who didn’t avoid it when he suggested they have a relationship, and secondly, he caught a cold unexpectedly after getting caught in the rain that day. And it was Ha-min himself who had intentionally stayed out in that rain.
“I… never thought of it that way.”
“…Why?”
“…”
“Don’t you even hate me?”
Tae-rim asked back, as if he couldn’t understand Ha-min’s firm words. He looked somewhat angry, but also genuinely confused. Ha-min pressed his fingertips with his nails, uncomfortable with the series of returning questions.
“…I don’t hate you.”
“You’re lying.”
“…”
“I treated you like a rag.”
“…”
“I acted recklessly because I thought you might have slept with someone else.”
“That’s…”
“I knew nothing about you.”
“…”
“Why you always wore long sleeves, why you always insisted on wearing that cheap watch.”
Tae-rim’s face grew darker with each word he uttered.
“Even during sex, I thought you didn’t take off all your clothes simply because you were embarrassed.”
“…”
“The truth is, I didn’t care. I was too preoccupied with the thought of having sex with you.”
He let out a heavy laugh, as if finding himself pathetic.
“Despite knowing nothing… I tried to control you as I pleased.”
“…”
“You should hate me.”
“…”
“Yet you come to see me when I’m sick, how can you do that?”
He frowned as if he was the one who was angry. Then, as if he had a headache, he suddenly pressed his temples and exhaled heated breaths. Moreover, as his upper body swayed for a moment, Ha-min quickly approached to support him.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
