#83
“Isn’t it strange?”
“What is?”
“Just… everything.”
“What do you mean by everything?”
“That I like… men… And that it’s… your hyung…”
Ha-min tightly clutched the tissue in his hand.
“…We’re living in modern times. It’s not a big deal.”
Tae-in spoke deliberately casually, as if snorting.
“Of course, I was surprised that it was our hyung… and that you two were in that kind of… relationship…”
“……”
“I was quite shocked, actually.”
“……”
“So, does hyung not know that you like him?”
“…Well, that’s right…”
“Ugh, that guy is ridiculous too. Does he think this is America or something? Doing that kind of stuff when he doesn’t even like you.”
Ha-min gave an embarrassed smile at Tae-in’s blunt words.
“And you, you cried like a child because that hyung said he’s going to America.”
Tae-in recounted Ha-min’s actions as if he found him pitiful. Ha-min had nothing to say. He had no words even if someone called him pathetic or foolish.
“You really have no taste.”
However, Ha-min let out a small laugh at Tae-in’s words, which seemed deliberately lighthearted as if trying to lighten the mood. Ha-min finally began to relax under Tae-in’s gaze, which looked at him as if he were foolish.
“…What’s wrong with hyung?”
At this devoted response, Tae-in looked at Ha-min with an incredulous expression.
“Don’t tell me you’re infatuated too?”
“…What are you saying?”
“Only those infatuated fools like guys like hyung.”
“…That’s not true.”
“Yeah, right.”
Ha-min laughed a bit more comfortably at Tae-in’s words, which now included jokes. And then gratitude washed over him. He was willing to listen to everything even if Tae-in cursed at him. Even if Tae-in decided to end their friendship, he was prepared to understand and accept his position. But seeing him worry about him instead, even cracking jokes as if concerned about how Ha-min might feel, made his nose tingle. Ha-min bit his lip hard.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“…Just for being my friend.”
At Ha-min’s sudden words, Tae-in, who was pouring cold water, laughed with a slightly embarrassed face as if finding it cheesy. And before he could retort asking why Ha-min was saying such things, Ha-min looked at Tae-in again with a detached expression. Tae-in frowned, feeling unsettled by that gaze. Ha-min’s voice, which had become even lower, resonated once more.
“Actually, today…”
“……”
“I had another reason for coming to see you.”
Tae-in tensed up again at Ha-min’s somewhat serious tone.
“What now?”
“……”
“How many times are you planning to surprise me today?”
Tae-in tried to speak casually, but the smile had disappeared from Ha-min’s face. Tae-in frowned again at the unusual atmosphere.
“Why are you creating such a mood to say something…”
Before Tae-in could finish speaking.
Click.
Ha-min suddenly undid his watch strap. After taking off the old watch, he placed it on the table.
“Please try to understand, even if it’s disgusting.”
Before Tae-in could ask what he meant by those overly solemn words, Ha-min added:
“At some point, such things became difficult.”
“……”
“Being honest… and properly facing people became so hard…”
As Tae-in’s brow furrowed even more as if asking what on earth Ha-min was talking about, at that moment, he noticed unfamiliar scars on the wrist where the watch had been. Scars with new skin growing. Wounds on the wrist that were even somewhat grotesque.
At this sight, Tae-in was unwittingly reminded of what happened in Jeju. The image of Song Ha-min getting angry at the swimming pool, a sight Tae-in had never seen before in all the time he had known Ha-min, from childhood until now. The image of him clutching the broken watch.
“…But to you…”
“……”
“First of all…”
“……”
“I wanted to tell you properly.”
Tae-in froze, looking at Ha-min as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Tae-in, who had frozen as if he had forgotten to breathe, looked at Ha-min with eyes that seemed unable to believe what they were seeing. Ha-min gave a bitter smile at Tae-in’s eyes, which looked like they might tear up at any moment. Once again, a storm of guilt swept over him, wondering if he was making Tae-in sad.
**
Tae-rim, who had loosened his tie like shedding skin, leaned back in the car seat with a tired face during a red light. It had been several days since he started suffering from mysterious insomnia. The only time he had slept properly was when he had sex with Ha-min all night until they were sick of it. Since then, he hadn’t been able to sleep properly due to the gnawing headache and insomnia that visited every night.
He thought he might be able to sleep after a good tumble, but amusingly, it was impossible. He used to go out to his usual gatherings, match the mood with someone who approached him, and end up in bed together, but now an inexplicable discomfort numbed his entire mind. In short, it was just a waste of time. Time was passing tediously.
Today was no different. He was on his way back to the hotel after work and having a meal with an acquaintance. He was thinking about calling some friends to the hotel for a drinking binge when suddenly Ha-min’s gaunt face from earlier came to mind.
Did he get that thin just from not seeing him for a few days? Is he not eating properly? It’s a good thing Lee Tae-in is feeding him something. Damn, he’s so frail.
The car that was heading to the hotel suddenly changed lanes. It was because of the thought that Ha-min might still be having a drink with Tae-in at their house. He was willing to naturally take him home if he was drunk. Although he had been maintaining distance since that day, he didn’t intend to continue like this forever.
He had sex with Ha-min, driven by anger, but he didn’t regret it. Rather, he wanted to break him so that he couldn’t casually push him away. A strange sadism thrilled him to the point of numbing his nerves. It was certainly unlike him. He thought he might lose interest if they did it all night until they were sick of it, but that was a misconception. No matter how much he released, bit, and sucked, his thirst didn’t subside. Thanks to the burning thirst, he deliberately induced more moans and frantically pushed on.
Tae-rim quickly parked the car in the building’s parking lot and got on the elevator. He thought he should have come earlier. Tae-rim strode out as soon as the silver doors opened. He quickly entered the door lock password and went in, but disappointingly, silence lingered.
Looking down at the shoe rack, Ha-min’s shoes were not visible either. Tae-rim clicked his tongue softly and slowly took off his dress shoes. After carelessly taking them off and walking down the hallway, he saw Tae-in sitting quietly on the sofa. He exuded a subtle atmosphere different from usual. He looked angry, seemed to be in a bad mood, and had a rather serious expression.
“What’s wrong? Why are you sitting like that?”
Tae-rim spoke first, seeing Tae-in sitting blankly doing nothing. He carelessly threw his suit jacket aside and was about to grab the water bottle on the dining table when a low voice sounded.
“…Hyung.”
Tae-rim turned his head with furrowed brows at the call that was quite different from usual.
“What?”
He saw Tae-in’s reddened eyes, which looked like he might have been crying. His carefree brother who was always happy had never cried except when he was little. As Tae-rim narrowed his eyes quizzically, Tae-in continued speaking.
“I heard everything from Ha-min.”
Tae-rim’s brow furrowed deeper at the sudden statement. Tae-rim stared at Tae-in with a surprised face, not expecting to hear those words from his brother’s mouth. Tae-in spoke softly and then added at length.
“It’s not my business who you date or sleep with…”
“You know well. It’s not your concern.”
Tae-rim replied calmly. Tae-in frowned intensely as if Tae-rim was being unreasonable.
“But not Ha-min, right?”
At the somewhat agitated question, Tae-rim turned his head with an incomprehensible expression. Even though Tae-in was close friends with Ha-min, it wasn’t a matter where he could bring up someone’s private life and judge what’s right or wrong.
“Why?”
“He’s innocent and doesn’t know anything…”
“So?”
“……”
“You’re saying I took advantage of an innocent kid who doesn’t know anything?”
“……”
Tae-rim let out a mirthless laugh.
“Is Ha-min a child?”
It wasn’t even funny. After gulping down some water, he looked impassively at Tae-in, who seemed to be getting worked up.
“It’s something two consenting adults did.”
“……”
“It’s not something for you to worry about, so don’t overstep.”
Tae-rim ran his hand through his hair with an even more tired expression. He picked up the coat he had thrown aside and approached his bedroom door. An unpleasant feeling began to creep up again.
“…You don’t know.”
An unexpected statement flew at his back. Tae-rim turned around again, unable to hear the quietly muttered words clearly. Tae-in rubbed his face with a dark expression.
“What are you talking about?”
Tae-rim asked in an irritated voice at the meaningful words. Tae-in couldn’t open his mouth easily and bit and chewed on his lower lip. Tae-rim’s face grew even fiercer at this strange behavior.
“Ha-min…”
Tae-in trailed off after starting to speak. He alternated between glaring at Tae-rim with eyes full of thoughts and avoiding his gaze. He clearly had something to say but was hesitating. After pausing in that state, Tae-in let out a short sigh.
“…Never mind.”
“……”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s not my business.”
He muttered as if he had finished organizing his thoughts on his own and then turned away. Tae-rim watched Tae-in’s back as he went into his room, his face contorting with an inexplicably uneasy expression. He pressed his temples firmly as if a headache had returned once again.
