#105
“Yeah. The studio looks great.”
“Right? Right? After begging for a few years, hyung finally set it up for me.”
“Ah…”
At the mention of someone not particularly welcome, Ha-min’s expression unconsciously stiffened. Tae-in, noticing this, deliberately laughed loudly and put his arm around Ha-min’s shoulder.
“Today, eat as much as you want. It’s on me.”
“You’re paying?”
“Yeah. My content has been doing well lately, so I’ve earned some money.”
“Are you really going to become famous at this rate…?”
“That’s the plan. Then maybe Mom and Dad won’t have much to say later.”
It seemed his parents didn’t know yet. Ha-min smiled, thinking that would be nice. He couldn’t help but feel happy that his friend was doing well.
“I’m really going to eat a lot then.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t let you leave if you don’t eat enough.”
Tae-in laughed and led Ha-min to where the others were already seated. There were some familiar faces from before, and Hee-gyeom was there too. As soon as Hee-gyeom saw Ha-min, he bounded over with a smile.
“Hyung!”
As Hee-gyeom forcibly squeezed in next to Ha-min, Woo-kyung, who was originally sitting there, cursed at him. He kicked at Hee-gyeom’s backside, calling him crazy, but Hee-gyeom ignored him and stuck close to Ha-min’s side.
“Why is it so hard to see you these days? You hardly reply when I contact you.”
Ha-min forced a smile to hide his guilty expression. Hee-gyeom was right. He had been avoiding him since then. The more he spent time with Hee-gyeom, the more it seemed Tae-rim disliked it, so he had unconsciously avoided him. No, he had acted as if he wanted to block out thoughts he didn’t want to think about.
“I’ve been a bit busy lately… I need to find a part-time job and catch up on assignments…”
“But you could still reply, right? We don’t eat together as often as before either.”
“Hey, is oppa your girlfriend? Stop being so clingy,” Eun-soo, who was listening from across the table, frowned in disgust and hit Hee-gyeom’s side.
“No, it’s not clingy…”
Hee-gyeom trailed off with a disappointed face.
“Stop talking nonsense and pour some drinks,” Tae-in said.
Hee-gyeom nodded awkwardly and poured drinks for Tae-in and Ha-min. Ha-min glanced at Hee-gyeom’s slightly dazed face once before quickly looking away. He felt mean for becoming increasingly uncomfortable around Hee-gyeom. He was always so nice and considerate… Hee-gyeom’s usually bright face had darkened somewhat.
For some inexplicable reason, Ha-min felt complicated and downed his full glass of alcohol in one go. Lately, he’d been feeling so tired that he thought it wouldn’t matter if he got drunk just for today.
**
When the drinking party was in full swing, Tae-in suddenly gestured for Ha-min to come out. Even in the noisy atmosphere of pouring and drinking, Ha-min had noticed Tae-in’s gaze on him from time to time. Seeing Tae-in acting differently than usual, Ha-min got up, feeling a bit tipsy. As Hee-gyeom grabbed his wrist asking where he was going, Ha-min answered that he was just going to get some fresh air. Hee-gyeom also seemed to sense something was off.
Though Ha-min thought they were really going to get some air, the place Tae-in took him was the practice room right next door. Tae-in, who had been drinking less than usual, looked sober.
“Why are we here?”
As Ha-min blinked in confusion, Tae-in took out a large shopping bag from the practice room’s storage cabinet and handed it to him.
“This.”
Curious about the fairly large package, Ha-min opened it immediately and saw some textbooks and clothes. His face gradually hardened as he realized these were his belongings… things he had left at Tae-rim’s house. Things he couldn’t go back to retrieve for fear of running into him.
“Ah…”
As Ha-min let out a stupid sound, not knowing what to say, Tae-in spoke first.
“Hyung told me to bring these to you…”
Seeing Tae-in’s behavior as if it was really difficult to bring this up, Ha-min’s mood, which had been slightly elevated from the drinking party, quickly sank.
“…Thank you.”
These were things he needed.
“I heard… things aren’t good between you two.”
Tae-in carefully broached the subject to Ha-min, who had only managed to express his thanks, not knowing what else to say. When Ha-min stared at Tae-in with startled eyes, Tae-in hurriedly shook his head.
“Ah, it’s not like hyung was gossiping or anything… Just looking at him, the atmosphere seemed that way…”
“…”
“He reeked of alcohol from drinking since broad daylight, and he seemed to have lost weight… It looked like he hadn’t been sleeping well either, his dark circles were no joke…”
Tae-in glanced at Ha-min as he described his brother’s appearance from that day.
“He can’t sleep…?”
Ha-min carefully asked, startled by Tae-in’s words. Hearing the concern in his question, Tae-in once again felt sorry for Ha-min. It seemed he was worried about Tae-rim even in this situation.
“He’s always had something like insomnia… but it seems worse these days.”
Although he hadn’t heard it directly from Tae-rim, it was something he could guess just by looking at his face. Seeing Ha-min’s eyes tremble immediately at those words, Tae-in let out a silent sigh. They liked each other so much, why did things go wrong…
“So, I was thinking…”
“…”
“I actually invited hyung today too…”
“…”
“After all, he’s the one who set this place up for us… I thought maybe you two could talk things out.”
“…”
“Ah, hyung doesn’t know you’re here. I just told him to drop by for a moment if he was passing by.”
Although he usually never interfered in other people’s relationships, one was his blood brother, and the other was his closest friend, so he couldn’t completely ignore it.
“If you don’t want to, I’ll tell him not to come. I’m just asking, just in case.”
“…Did hyung tell you?”
“Huh? No… I just kind of…”
Tae-in responded very carefully, worried that Ha-min might be upset if he thought Tae-rim had told him everything.
Ha-min was silent for a while at Tae-in’s words. As nothing could be read from his blank stare into space, Tae-in anxiously waited for a response.
Ha-min felt his slightly tipsy mind becoming clear again. As the topic he had been trying hard to avoid surfaced, he felt suffocated once more. The image of Tae-rim, who had said he wouldn’t appear until Ha-min contacted him, came to mind every night, and Ha-min spent his days pretending to be fine while agonizing every night.
“Tae-in, actually…”
“Yeah, go on.”
“…Actually, I’m not sure. I just can’t seem to sort out my thoughts.”
Tae-in listened intently with a serious face as Ha-min struggled to open up. Ha-min’s face, which had seemed calm and unaffected, was sinking into distress.
“I should be able to face hyung normally, pretending nothing happened… Now that he knows, I should just act like it’s no big deal…”
“…”
“But I can’t do it.”
He thought he was good at pretending to be fine, acting like everything was okay, but this time it was too difficult.
“I feel like I’m going crazy with embarrassment… I want to die from shame. These feelings are kind of terrible.”
The awful feelings from that pathetic time in the past were coming back to life. As Ha-min slowly revealed thoughts he hadn’t shared with anyone, Tae-in wanted to tell him not to think that way but couldn’t easily bring himself to say it. He couldn’t carelessly pretend to understand Ha-min’s feelings.
“I’m… I’m still so disgusted with myself.”
Ha-min wasn’t angry at Tae-rim for forcibly exposing his wound. He was disgusted with himself for falling into these thoughts.
He wanted to hide and run away, feeling pathetic for having feelings that could only be revealed when someone else exposed them, for not being able to be honest. What angered him most was his own behavior, still acting like a coward. He had tried to ignore it, but now it was clear. He was still a fool who only hid like a coward.
Ha-min let out a painful sigh as if exhaling blocked breath. Tae-in, who had been at a loss for words, finally spoke up, realizing his mistake.
“Hey, hey. I think I took this too lightly. I’ll tell hyung not to come. Sorry.”
Tae-in tried to speak lightly, seeing Ha-min’s somewhat unstable appearance. He had no idea Ha-min felt this way. He wanted to tell him that none of this was disgusting, but Tae-in couldn’t bring himself to say it. He felt that even if he said it now, it wouldn’t reach Ha-min.
“I’ll go make a call.”
“…”
“Don’t worry about what I said. I’ll make a call and come back, so try to calm down a bit. It might still be uncomfortable to see him.”
“…”
“Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have meddled.”
Feeling Ha-min’s embarrassment and apology, Ha-min shook his head and let out a deep sigh, as if to say it wasn’t Tae-in’s fault.
“No. What are you sorry for?”
“No.”
Tae-in cut off Ha-min’s habitual response. After scratching the back of his head a few times awkwardly, Tae-in seemed lost in thought, staring into space with a deepened gaze. He took a short deep breath, moving restlessly as if finding it difficult to speak easily.
“Hey, Ha-min.”
“…”
“I’ve never really said this properly before… but I felt really sorry when I heard your story back then.”
“…”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you then, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be someone you could open up to… I regretted it a lot.”
“…”
“To be honest, I thought about you a lot while going through surgery and difficult rehabilitation. But because I was upset that you hadn’t contacted me, I didn’t think to reach out first.”
“…”
“I shouldn’t have acted so childishly.”
Ha-min’s eyes trembled uncertainly at the unexpected, sincere apology. Unable to find words to respond, he just let out a small sigh, “Ah…” Tae-in, seemingly a bit awkward with this serious atmosphere, raised the corners of his mouth sheepishly again.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
