#81
A gentle voice was heard. He wore a calm smile that Ha-min thought would take hundreds of practices to achieve.
“…Yeah.”
After answering as casually as possible, a subtle silence fell.
“What’s going on? Why are you two acting like that?”
Detecting the strange atmosphere, Tae-in smiled curiously as he looked them over. There was no response to his puzzled question. Tae-rim just stared at Ha-min expressionlessly. After gazing intently at the casually smiling face, he soon smiled gently and offered a light greeting.
“Have fun.”
Soon after, the sound of the door closing was heard. It was an ordinary, everyday greeting. Tae-in tilted his head as he looked at the coldly closed door.
“What’s the occasion? You’re not making a fuss even after seeing him.”
Tae-in chuckled as he sat down. He spoke casually while pouring wine into glasses after uncorking the bottle. Ha-min moistened his parched mouth with water.
Although the reaction was no different from what he had expected, seeing it with his own eyes made his heart ache. The sight of him being both the same and different from usual pricked Ha-min’s heart. To hide these feelings, Ha-min chewed and swallowed his food nonchalantly.
“Hey, try this too.”
Pleased that Ha-min was eating better than expected, Tae-in personally served him more food and encouraged him to eat. However, while he was attentive in serving, he himself seemed unimpressed by the lavish meal.
“You should eat some too.”
“I’ve eaten until I’m sick of it. Don’t worry.”
He looked tired of the health foods his parents always brought.
“But how are we supposed to eat all this?”
“It’s better than me eating alone.”
“…We should call the others too.”
“It’ll be too chaotic if we call everyone. Besides, let’s spend some quality time together, just the two of us. We rarely get to talk properly because we’re always with the others.”
He wasn’t wrong. The occasions when they met just the two of them had drastically decreased. Not only were they busy with their own departmental activities, but since they hung out with the same group of friends, it was always difficult to bring up certain topics when they gathered. Ha-min was also planning to arrange some one-on-one time.
Tae-in rested his elbow on the table while sipping his wine.
“By the way, did you fight with your hyung?”
“Huh?”
Ha-min’s lips tightened slightly at the uncomfortable topic.
“No, the atmosphere just seems weird.”
“…We didn’t fight.”
“Well, you’re not the type to fight with anyone anyway…”
Tae-in nodded in agreement. Ha-min, feeling thirsty again, downed the wine like water.
Tae-in scolded him lightly for drinking so fast and refilled his glass. The red liquid swirled elegantly. Ha-min fiddled with the innocent wine glass. Knowing that he was not far away made him feel uneasy. He sighed, unable to easily maintain the practiced expression. He hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to pretend to be normal, to act as if nothing was wrong.
“By the way, what’s this about a company?”
Suddenly, Ha-min remembered what Tae-in had asked when Tae-rim entered the house and abruptly changed the subject. Tae-in looked at Ha-min with questioning eyes before realizing the meaning of the question and snapped his fingers.
“Dad’s company. Dad’s nagging me to get some management lessons since I’ve just been partying hard since coming to Korea.”
“But you’re attending school too.”
“Barely. I’m just going there to hang out. I’m only taking one class anyway. Plus, I’m about to graduate soon.”
Tae-in continued speaking with an indifferent face. He didn’t seem particularly interested. Ha-min listened attentively while continuing to fiddle with his wine glass.
“Ah, I didn’t tell you earlier because I thought you might be sad.”
Tae-in, who had been slouching, suddenly sat up straight and stared at Ha-min. He opened his mouth with a somewhat solemn expression.
“Hyung might go back to America after graduation.”
“Huh?”
The news came like a bolt from the blue. Ha-min almost dropped the wine glass he was holding. Not noticing Ha-min’s shocked face, Tae-in continued speaking indifferently.
“He just came back briefly this year anyway.”
“…”
“So, does this mean I’ll really be living alone now? Finally, independence!”
Tae-in cheered, clenching his fist as if that was the only important fact. Ha-min closed his mouth like someone who had lost the ability to speak. Various emotions welled up from deep inside him. His head felt dizzy after hearing something so unexpected. His face looked dazed, as if his consciousness had momentarily drifted away and returned.
It felt like indescribable feelings were crashing over him. Disappointment? Anxiety? Unable to define them, he felt even more confused.
It meant that soon he wouldn’t even be able to see his face. He wouldn’t even be able to greet him in passing. Ha-min remained frozen, unable to do anything, as if his brain had stopped working. That’s when it happened.
The sound of a door opening was heard. The door diagonal to the dining table opened, revealing him neatly dressed. Tae-in, who seemed to have heard the sound too, turned his head and asked,
“Going out?”
“Yeah.”
Ha-min had his back turned during this ordinary conversation between brothers. He remained frozen, unable to move.
“Won’t you eat a little before you go?”
When Tae-in offered once more out of courtesy, he approached while putting on his watch.
“Just give me a glass of water.”
He came closer and made a brief request indifferently. As he approached, a strong scent of cologne wafted over. His hair, pushed back, looked slightly damp at the ends as if he had washed it but not dried it completely. And his face looked a bit thinner. His strong jawline seemed even sharper and more defined than usual.
“Here.”
Tae-in wordlessly poured water from the purifier and handed it to him.
“Are you eating properly?”
Tae-in asked with underlying concern, as seeing him was rare despite living in the same house. It seemed he was worried about his family member despite constantly bickering with everyone. It had been a while since he had seen his face after getting a beating from their father. The bruise on his neck had long since lost its shape. It must have healed a lot as the color had faded significantly.
“My little brother is worried about his hyung?”
He put down the water glass with a smooth smile.
“It’s not worry. You’re just always out and about.”
“Isn’t it better without me around? You can invite your girlfriend over comfortably and all.”
He retorted generously. There was a sense of consideration in his own way. Ha-min was quietly biting his lip hard during this normal conversation between brothers.
“Ah, right. Mom gave me something to give to you. Wait a moment.”
Tae-in suddenly stood up as if remembering something important. He moved hurriedly towards the utility room. As soon as Tae-in left his seat, a suffocating silence descended. Ha-min was struggling to compose himself amidst the flood of emotions. He felt like his voice would tremble if he opened his mouth.
He was someone who would leave soon. He didn’t know that fact. He was someone who could go somewhere anytime, just like before. He was someone who would disappear from his sight even without being pushed away, without having to steel his heart.
“Did you eat a lot?”
It was Tae-rim who broke the suffocating silence. He asked as if reluctantly inquiring after Ha-min’s well-being. Ha-min could only nod with difficulty, unable to lift his lowered head.
He thought there would be nothing more to feel sad about. He thought that if this relationship was settled, he would be satisfied just watching him from afar like before. But he was wrong. He was going to leave anyway. Even if he hadn’t made up his mind to give up, he was someone who would leave anyway. Like before, without a word… He would just disappear. Like a mirage.
“You don’t even want to talk to hyung anymore?”
A somewhat distorted voice was heard when Ha-min only nodded without answering. It was a low, subtle voice. Ha-min slowly raised his head. He didn’t know what kind of expression he was wearing.
“…”
“You’ve lost weight.”
As their gazes met directly, he habitually raised his hand and stroked Ha-min’s cheek. Ha-min’s shoulders flinched as soon as his hand touched him. Tae-rim’s face momentarily stiffened at the slight movement.
Ha-min’s eyes reddened at the words that sounded deliberately affectionate. A bitter laugh threatened to escape as well.
“…”
“…”
That brief moment felt excruciatingly long. But soon, Tae-in’s approaching footsteps sounded like a savior. Tae-in came out holding a jewelry case and handed it to Tae-rim with a puzzled look.
“They said to give this to Hee-jae noona?”
Tae-rim let out a small laugh at Tae-in’s confused face. He looked both bewildered and somewhat tired.
“Just throw it away.”
Tae-rim gave a brief instruction and stood up from the chair he had just sat in. The sound of the chair scraping was heard, and he moved his feet without any lingering attachment, as if his business was done. Tae-in’s worried voice asking if he should really throw it away, and Tae-rim’s annoyed response, buzzed like mechanical noises. After ending the conversation briefly, Tae-rim stroked the back of Ha-min’s neck once without saying anything else. It was a short goodbye gesture. He too was clearly trying to act as usual.
The sound of him walking leisurely towards the front door was heard. “I’m off,” Tae-in waved his hand briefly. The sound of putting on shoes from the shoe rack and then the electronic beep of the door opening and closing were heard. Only then did Ha-min exhale and cover his face with both hands.
“Why would he tell me to throw away something so expensive…”
Puzzled by the instruction to throw it away, Tae-in muttered to himself as he carelessly tossed the case onto the table and sat down.
“He really doesn’t know the value of money… Hey, what’s wrong?”
Tae-in’s words were right. That playful remark about not telling because he might be sad was correct. Ha-min couldn’t compose himself amidst the hundreds of emotions overwhelming him.
