#100
Seeing Ha-min hesitate to answer, Tae-rim kept letting out anxious breaths. But today, more than ever, he didn’t want to, and shouldn’t, pressure Ha-min. If he could have, he would have already put him in the car, taken him home to give him medicine or put him to sleep, and done anything to keep him within sight. But.
“I’ll wait.”
“…”
“I’ll wait… so make sure to contact me.”
Tae-rim lowered his voice, speaking in a suppressed tone.
Feeling that this was different from usual, Ha-min’s lips trembled, feeling inexplicably sorry.
“…Okay.”
Just as he lowered his head again, unable to face him, Tae-rim, who was about to turn away, spoke once more. At the somewhat resolute voice, Ha-min slowly raised his gaze to meet the black eyes looking down at him intently. Though his eyes kept wavering uncharacteristically, they were firm at this moment.
“Just make one promise.”
“…”
“Don’t avoid me.”
“…”
“Keep going to school, eating and sleeping at the goshiwon like now.”
“…”
“Don’t disappear somewhere to avoid me like last time.”
“…”
“Until you contact me…”
“…”
“…I won’t show up.”
For some reason, Ha-min felt a churning in his chest at the voice that seemed pitiful. It felt strange to see him backing down first, giving in first. He thought that if he met him, he would be interrogated, everything would be exposed in detail. With that thought, he had been avoiding him all day without realizing it, but seeing him constantly backing away contrary to expectations, he felt a strange emotion.
His emotions were churning, and he felt the anxiety that had been making him tremble subside gradually. Ha-min stared at him blankly, not knowing how to respond. He forced a faint smile at Ha-min’s dazed look and forcibly hung one of the shopping bags he was holding on Ha-min’s hand.
“You don’t look well.”
He casually brought it up in the slightly relaxed atmosphere and naturally brushed back Ha-min’s hair covering his forehead.
“Take your medicine. Make sure to eat the porridge too.”
“…”
“Get plenty of rest.”
He said softly and took the first step. What he had forcibly put in Ha-min’s hand were two bottles of digestive medicine, fever reducer, various unmatched medicines, and porridge that had already gone cold. During the time it took to cool, had he been here? Since when had he been here? Had he waited for a long time? Ha-min sat down heavily on the stairs, watching him walk away with a confused face, unable to even say goodbye.
Whether the time he waited was short or long, it was hard to gauge what kind of feelings he had been here with, what kind of mood he had been in while here.
As the situation had come to this, deep regret washed over him like a tide. Seeing his uncharacteristic behavior made his heart even more uneasy. He felt like a nuisance. For liking him unnecessarily, for clinging to him saying he liked him, for not letting go of hope, he felt like he had ultimately driven the situation to this point.
He looked more shocked than others like Tae-in and Hee-gyeom. Each of his actions, not treating him carelessly like before, rather grated on his nerves. He was being cautious. Like others.
Everyone was like that. When they saw scars different from others, they became awkward in their treatment, felt uncomfortable, found it difficult. They treated him as if he had come from a different world, and he was naturally pushed outside people’s boundaries.
He wanted to start anew, wanted to become a new person. He had lost so much weight that no one would recognize him, received consistent treatment, and tried to become brighter. To overcome the aimless deep depression, he ran along the Han River every day, and when occasional insomnia kept him up at night, he desperately imagined new days and repeated to himself that it was okay, like a mantra.
After countless practices and efforts like that, sadly, his current self was no different from before. He was still busy hiding and being cautious, attributing meaning to every action and getting hurt. And when he suddenly recalled the terrible people he had forgotten, he felt resentful and suffocated. These are wearisome emotions.
Ha-min clutched his face and bent over deeply, gasping for breath. In overwhelming distress, like something broken, Ha-min couldn’t leave that place for a long time, painfully letting out wheezing breaths as if lacking oxygen.
**
Tae-rim, who had left the fitness center since morning, had been running on the treadmill for hours already. Maintaining a constant speed, he regulated his rising breath and focused only on running. It was as if he was obsessed with expelling all the heat from his body. The sweat flowing down his temples ran down his angular jaw and firm neck, soaking his clothes, revealing his tightly sculpted muscles.
Passersby would glance at his prominent back muscles that stood out with each stride. His exceptional physique was drawing the attention of the fitness center members. But regardless of the stares clinging to him, Tae-rim’s face was terribly expressionless as he focused solely on exercising, concentrating frighteningly hard. He was increasing the speed as if he would die if he didn’t run right now. What broke this bleak atmosphere was someone’s arrival.
“Are you training to be an athlete or something?”
It was Hee-jae, who got on the machine next to Tae-rim, who was running as if fiercely. Son Hee-jae, Tae-rim’s ex-lover whom he had dated for quite a long time. Of course, for Tae-rim, it was just a common relationship maintained out of necessity. Although it was just a connection built on family background, academic credentials, and common networks, there was no one who knew each other better than they did, having spent a long time close to each other.
“Why so zealous?”
Hee-jae climbed onto the machine next to him and leaned on it. The fitness center, operated on a strict membership system, was no different from a gathering place for people with similar wealth.
Tae-rim showed his first reaction to the sudden words. It was his ex-lover and friend whom he hadn’t seen in a long time. Tae-rim pressed the power button with a beep and slowly moved his body, roughly wiping his sweat-soaked face with a new towel hanging on the rack.
“It’s been a while.”
It was the first time since they had played golf together at a resort in Jeju Island and parted ways.
Of course, they had broken up long before that. It was an ending that might have felt cold-hearted, but it was a finale without regrets for both Tae-rim and Hee-jae. Of course, she felt resentful about Tae-rim’s selfish behavior, but Son Hee-jae knew better than anyone that he was that kind of person. After all, it had been over 10 years since they had been just friends, regardless of being ex-lovers.
The two had known each other since childhood thanks to their families’ friendships, and they naturally grew closer when their full-fledged study abroad life began. Most gatherings of international students consisted of wealthy heirs.
Among them, Son Hee-jae particularly liked Lee Tae-rim. It wasn’t just because of his family background and looks, or the conditions that inevitably put him at the center of any group, but because there was something more. He didn’t stand out simply because he was rich and handsome.
He was practically an idol among the high school students who loved to party. He always took the lead in deviations, and despite being incredibly promiscuous, he always kept things clean, and even when he dabbled in drugs, he didn’t play dirty. He was very clear in his dealings, always without complications, and freer than anyone else.
Even after being accepted into a top Ivy League school, he arbitrarily applied for a leave of absence because he wanted to play, spent stupid time enjoying women, parties, alcohol, and drugs, but once in college, he diligently attended classes as if it had never happened, and gained the trust of professors with his high-level essay writing skills.
Of course, there was racial discrimination. Especially due to his delicate appearance and sturdy build for an Asian, he was provoked several times by big, stupid white guys, but Tae-rim didn’t engage with them. It was because of Tae-rim’s principle that dealing with stupid ones was messy.
However, there was one incident where the well-mannered Lee Tae-rim was provoked. A white guy over 2 meters tall constantly hurled disgusting insults at Tae-rim, calling him a dirty gay bastard, using his delicate appearance as an excuse. Whenever they met, he would roughly push Tae-rim’s shoulder or act threateningly, using his size. The reason for this was that the white guy’s girlfriend had broken up with him because of Tae-rim.
Tae-rim wasn’t particularly picky when it came to sex. If he was in a good mood at a party and someone showed interest, he generously accepted and enjoyed the bed. But he definitely drew the line at gender. Even though same-sex relationships were more freely accepted in America than in Korea, Tae-rim never crossed that line.
In a country where same-sex marriage was possible, there were several men who made passes at Tae-rim, and sometimes he received more confessions from men than women. But his orientation was clear, and therefore, the discriminatory insult of being called a gay bastard was enough to grate on the nerves of the well-mannered Lee Tae-rim.
Although Tae-rim was also tall, there were many foreigners who were significantly taller than him. Sometimes there were situations where he couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by their physique, and since Tae-rim wouldn’t stand a chance if a group of white brutes attacked him at once, he kept a gun ready for such days that might come. Moreover, since he didn’t enjoy dirty fistfights, he considered it just the right thing to threaten someone.
That day too, as usual, the stupid white guy intentionally bumped Tae-rim’s shoulder as he passed by. Just once. If it happened one more time, Tae-rim was prepared to pull the trigger without hesitation and shoot the shoulder of the stupid white guy who only had muscles.
And on the day that count ended, Tae-rim really took out the gun from his coat pocket and shot the white guy’s shoulder. Shooting had been a sport he often enjoyed since he started living with his grandfather, so hitting the target wasn’t difficult.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
