#132
“What?”
-I’m joking.
“Geez, why do you make jokes sound so serious?”
-I’ll just slowly torture them to death instead of killing them outright.
Tae-rim could almost hear Tae-rim’s smiling voice through the phone, and he licked his lips. Thinking it wasn’t really a joke after all, he rubbed his forehead with a troubled face when Tae-rim spoke again.
-But for now, Ha-min is next.
“What is?”
-The conclusion is Ha-min’s part.
“…Ah.”
-Well, I’m just watching for now.
“But Ha-min probably won’t meet those bastards again anyway.”
-I thought so too, but…
He paused for a moment as if considering.
-Ha-min seems to have his own thoughts about it…
At this vague answer, Tae-in opened his eyes slightly, looking puzzled.
“What do you mean?”
-Never mind that, did you get the IP address from that comment?
“Yeah, I just got the address. Just in case.”
-Good job. Send that address to me.
“No, but what did you mean about Ha-min having his own thoughts…”
Click.
Tae-in looked at the phone screen with an annoyed expression as the call ended before he could finish speaking. This guy, always… Grumbling that he only does annoying things, he put down his phone and leaned back deep into his chair.
Right, the situation is different from before. It’s not like back then when neither his hyung nor he was around. After talking with his hyung, Tae-in felt much lighter and could finally focus on his music work again.
**
When Ha-min saw that comment, his first thought was, “Ah, they haven’t forgotten me.” It would be different from how he couldn’t forget the pain of that day, but he thought that they hadn’t forgotten that they had bullied someone, that that someone was him. He felt that if they had completely forgotten, it might have made him even angrier.
If they had boasted about bullying without even recognizing it, treating it as lightly as a feather and forgetting about it, that would have been even more miserable in its own way. After all, he had lived in hell for years.
And the next thought was that he was doing better than expected. Instead of feeling like he might cry from anger or go crazy from the injustice, it was just… ah… a small sigh and a small hollow laugh. But he couldn’t help feeling low. It seemed he wasn’t that composed yet.
Still, he thought it was a huge improvement that he wasn’t trembling and having panic attacks just from thinking about it like before. So he thought about calling his mom, but knowing she was busy with the store relocation lately, he decided against it, not wanting to worry her unnecessarily.
After having a light dinner and washing up, he went into his hyung’s bedroom. He usually stayed in his own room when alone, but today he particularly felt like falling asleep in his hyung’s bed. The bed, slightly larger than his own, was so soft it made his whole body feel languid.
Lying on the bed with his hair still damp, Ha-min went to the Instagram account Tae-in had shown him earlier and browsed Tae-rim’s feed again. Although he had looked at it in between work at the cafe, he never got tired of it. He loved the everyday photos Tae-rim had taken, and the photos others had taken of him. He especially liked a photo of him reading in what looked like a foreign cafe, and kept looking at it over and over. He even saved it separately.
Perhaps because he had been looking at photos all day, he suddenly missed him again. He felt an aching longing, once again realizing his mood was much lower than usual. Thinking he should just go to sleep early, he put his phone on the shelf and was about to turn off the bedside lamp.
That’s when a long vibration sounded. At the vibration, Ha-min quickly lifted his head to check his phone.
“Hello?”
Ha-min answered as soon as he saw the screen, sounding somewhat urgent. It was the call he had been waiting for more than any other.
-What are you doing?
It was Tae-rim. Perhaps because he missed him so much, just hearing his voice made him feel choked up. His heart fluttered and his throat felt hot. Even though they talked two to four times a day, hearing his voice always felt new and good. And today it felt especially welcome, making emotions well up, but he tried to keep his voice as normal as possible as he spoke.
“I was just lying down to sleep.”
-Why does your voice sound like that?
“What’s wrong with my voice…?”
-It sounds a bit down. Was work hard?
Ha-min thought he sounded the same as usual, but could his hyung sense even subtle changes in his mood just by listening? Ha-min suddenly felt his nose tingle at his hyung’s keen perception. He wanted nothing more than to lie down next to him and fall asleep in his embrace.
“I guess I’m a bit tired. What about you?”
-I’m tired. There are too many people to meet, and too many things to do.
“Take it easy. Don’t overdo it.”
-Then it’ll take even longer before I can go to Korea.
“Is it that bad…?”
-Well, it’s where I’ve been living. There’s a lot to wrap up.
I don’t like that… But Ha-min was better than anyone at pretending to be okay.
“Still, don’t push yourself too hard.”
-I miss you.
In response to Ha-min’s worried words, he breathed out words that sounded like a deep sigh. Ha-min gripped his phone tightly at the voice filled with emotion.
-I want to come quickly because I miss you.
“……”
-Does Ha-min miss hyung too?
Of course… Ha-min nodded his head vigorously, his lips moving slightly.
“…Yes.”
He felt foolish for not being able to say it as easily as Tae-rim, even though it was so obvious.
-Next time, I should just bring you with me.
“……”
-I thought it would be just a few days, but even just a few days are hard, Ha-min.
His heart felt like it was going to burst from the tickling sensation. The calm, subtle voice tickled his entire body. Before he knew it, a smile had appeared on Ha-min’s face, as if he had never been in a bad mood.
“Me too.”
The time they had spent alone before he left felt like it had happened long ago. He suddenly realized that this was what it felt like to be physically apart.
“I’m… having a hard time too.”
Ha-min whispered as if confessing, gathering great courage.
“I miss you so much too… hyung.”
There was no answer. Instead of a reply, the sound of intensified breathing echoed deeply. Seeming to understand the meaning of that breath, Ha-min just closed his eyes, tightly hugging his blanket.
-…I’ll come soon.
He didn’t add any more words unnecessarily.
-Sleep well, Ha-min.
And he gave a final greeting in a sweet voice to Ha-min, who had quietly closed his eyes. Ha-min felt like he could fall asleep comfortably with the soft and warm voice. With the hope that the days would pass quickly, Ha-min burrowed deeper into the bed.
**
The next morning, Ha-min recovered his usual condition and went to work at the cafe as usual. It was a huge cafe with two floors, so there were more than five employees working the same shift. The university area in Seoul was no different from a bustling downtown, so it was always busy with college students regardless of whether classes were in session or not.
Thanks to this, he had become close with a few people. Most were part-timers working the same shift, but he had also become quite close with the manager. He was the owner’s nephew and was practically the owner when the actual owner wasn’t around. Compared to that, he was relatively young, so he was a likable type who got along well with all the part-timers.
“Ha-min, you’re on the first floor today. Go to the kitchen if they’re short-handed, otherwise stay at the counter.”
“Okay.”
Ha-min changed into his uniform and stood at the counter, feeling it was a bit less busy than usual, and checked his phone. There was another message saying that unknown people had followed him in large numbers. Moreover, people he didn’t know by name or face had sent him DMs.
There were DMs sent in English, people sending strange pictures, and some who just sent greetings like “Hello” out of the blue. And this was just from one photo he had posted last evening of him working at the cafe. Even that was a photo Tae-in had taken from afar.
He had only posted it because Tae-in said it turned out well and should be his first post, but there were more comments than he expected, making him feel both embarrassed and shy. He hadn’t created the account for this purpose. He wanted to look at his hyung’s Instagram, and above all…
Ding.
[Are you Song Ha-min from XX High School?]
As expected, Ha-min muttered quietly.
He thought he might get a message. Someone had left a comment claiming to recognize him from the brief video, and he thought that if he created a means for direct contact, he would get a message from someone like this.
Ha-min felt his heart start to beat violently but calmly pressed the input field. After thinking for a long time about what to say, he slowly pressed the keypad.
[Yes, that’s right.]
The reply came quickly not long after.
[Hey, long time no see. Why haven’t you been in touch?]
He found it quite disgusting that someone he didn’t even know was asking about his well-being.
[Are you doing broadcasts or something? My friend said he saw you on YouTube.]
[He said he barely recognized you?]
It seemed this wasn’t the person who had left the comment.
[It’s not that extreme.]
[He said a pig turned into a human lololololol]
He could feel all kinds of mockery even in this short exchange. Ha-min unconsciously clenched and unclenched his fist due to the tension rising in him.
[Even if it’s an embarrassing past, why are you ghosting like this?]
Ha-min exhaled deeply as he looked down at the brazen message. He had made a silent resolution the moment he saw the comment.
The reason Ha-min had worked so hard to lose weight and become a new person, cutting off relationships, was because he wanted to completely sever his past with these people. As if he had never known them from the beginning.
Perhaps, as the message sender said, he wanted to erase it thinking of it as an embarrassing past. But that wasn’t the shallow reason. He wanted a different life than before. He wanted to become a different person.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
