#73
Ha-min bit his lower lip lightly. With each bite, the bright red color of his lips deepened.
“Hyung, I…”
“Yes.”
“I… I think… I’ve found someone… I like.”
The prepared lie finally came out. As he said it, his throat tightened. His eyes moved erratically, and disjointed words leaked out.
“I like what we do, but… it’s disrespectful.”
“…”
“I feel sorry for you…”
He wanted to distance himself slowly, but he knew that if that period dragged on, only lingering attachments would remain. So he just wanted to end it quietly, without causing any harm to Tae-rim.
“I’m sorry… It’s too sudden, isn’t it?”
“……”
“I’m sorry for saying it so suddenly… But we can still do it occasionally… when you want to.”
Even as he spoke, he couldn’t understand what he was saying. He just desperately wanted to run away. Tension, anxiety, sorrow. Dozens of emotions were shaking him. He lowered his head to hide his trembling lips. He also swallowed hard the emotions welling up inside him.
The good partner Tae-rim had mentioned. Even if such a person appeared someday, they probably wouldn’t become someone Ha-min liked.
Because that person was only hyung.
But it wasn’t. Because it wasn’t hyung… because it probably would never be.
“No, that’s not what I meant…”
“…”
“I mean, from now on…”
So now he wanted to quietly fold it away and just return things to how they were before.
“I’m sorry.”
**
When Ha-min was young, his mother used to scold him freely, but from some point, she became only cautious. Far from getting angry, she was busy embracing him, saying “my son, son―”. But there was one time when she scolded him severely. It was when Ha-min had locked himself in his room for a month and then finally went out for a walk near home with his mother after a long time. It was because the counselor had given him homework to walk for at least 10 minutes nearby once in a while.
Walking with his hood pulled up, looking haggard, he was very timid the entire time. Moreover, when he just slightly brushed against a passerby while walking with his eyes on the ground, he kept bowing and apologizing mechanically as if he had committed a mortal sin, saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Even after the person he bumped into had already left, Ha-min kept repeating “I’m sorry.” It was the moment his mother’s heart broke.
His mother hit Ha-min’s back, asking what he was sorry for. She was scolding him, but she was crying. She shouted that Ha-min had done nothing wrong, but because she was crying sorrowfully, Ha-min awkwardly ended up comforting her instead. “Mom, I’m sorry.” He murmured quietly while consoling his mother.
It was difficult to completely fix his habit of being timid. It had become fixed as part of his personality at some point, and because of that, he was often disregarded wherever he went, but Ha-min lived without much difficulty. He preferred to be harmed himself rather than cause harm to others, and since it was somewhat better than before, he lived with his own satisfaction.
But this case was different. He wanted to speak cleanly, he wanted to speak clearly and distinctly, but throughout his speech, not a single sentence was perfect in its conclusion. He wanted to speak properly like an adult, but he just stammered foolishly and only repeated apologies. Ha-min carefully looked at the man in front of him.
At his clumsy stammering, Tae-rim was quiet for a while. His calm expression was unreadable. He looked somewhat dumbfounded, but more than that, his eyes seemed full of thoughts.
How stupid. Can’t even speak properly. How foolish I must look. Ha-min let out a small sigh in frustration. But as there are manners even in this kind of relationship, he first worried that Tae-rim might be upset by the sudden announcement. Then, after a moment of silence, Tae-rim quietly asked.
“Who is it?”
His gentle gaze seemed somewhat askew. Caught off guard by the question, Ha-min gave an uncomfortable smile.
“That’s hard to say…”
“Why, can’t you tell hyung even that much?”
“Ah…”
“If you’re going to be so one-sided suddenly, you should explain so I can understand.”
Tae-rim continued in a calm voice. It was his usual gentle tone.
Since Tae-rim’s words weren’t wrong, Ha-min hesitated for a moment. He didn’t intend to name anyone specifically. He thought he would speak vaguely and end it, fearing it might cause a bigger misunderstanding otherwise. He thought that after saying that, Tae-rim would smile, albeit reluctantly, and let it pass lightly.
“I’m sorry about that, then how about just today…”
“…”
“How about we make this the last time… today?”
Ha-min mumbled while fiddling with his fingertips. His face flushed with embarrassment at his own words. It couldn’t be helped since he was the one who had acted suddenly without any prior indication.
At his sheepish mumbling, Tae-rim let out a deflated laugh.
“Ah, so you just want to sleep with me one last time?”
At Tae-rim’s words, spoken as if in disbelief, Ha-min’s eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. A look of injustice flashed across Ha-min’s eyes.
“That’s not…”
“That’s exactly what you just said, Ha-min.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant. Really.”
Ha-min replied, frantically waving both hands. His apologetic demeanor was almost pitiful. Tae-rim quietly looked at Ha-min like this. His staring eyes were just darkly colored, an unfathomable gaze.
Then Tae-rim got up from his chair. Despite the bruise on his neck throbbing and his reddened cheek swelling, it only made his impression sharper rather than unattractive. Instead, it pricked at Ha-min’s conscience.
“Okay, I understand.”
Tae-rim spoke lightly as he stood up.
“What can I do if you’ve found someone you like?”
“…Yeah.”
He nodded, answering compliantly. Just as Ha-min was silently relieved that he didn’t ask any more questions, Tae-rim spoke again.
“But let me stay over for one night.”
“Huh…?”
“Just tonight.”
“……”
“I told you. I don’t want to go home, and I don’t want to sleep alone.”
He raised the corners of his mouth with eyes that weren’t smiling. He always smiled the same way, but it was subtly stiff. When Ha-min couldn’t answer due to the subtle atmosphere, he added as if to reassure him.
“Don’t worry, I’ll really just sleep.”
“…”
“I don’t have a hobby of clinging to someone who doesn’t want me.”
He spoke gently as always. At his words, spoken as if it were truly the last time, Ha-min reluctantly nodded. Yes, it really was the last. It was the last day to wake up from this vain dream.
**
The two arrived at the room awkwardly without much conversation, took turns showering, and prepared to sleep. Although it was late at night, he had waited for hours lying in his car until Ha-min’s part-time job ended. He really seemed to not want to go home or be alone. Well, he couldn’t be in good condition after being beaten like that.
Seeing him like that, Ha-min felt a bit of regret, thinking maybe he should have spoken later, but if not for this, he would have surely shared a bed with hyung today as if it were a natural procedure.
He had begged and pleaded with the next shift part-timer to come in a couple of hours early. He promised to work twice as much next time in return. Thinking that Tae-rim was waiting, he couldn’t help feeling rushed and anxious. Even when told to go to the room first, Tae-rim wouldn’t listen. Ha-min bowed so low his head nearly touched the ground to thank the part-timer who agreed to switch shifts early, and hurriedly left.
Tae-rim was lying in the driver’s seat with his arm resting over his eyes, eyes closed. Seeing him like that, Ha-min thought his desperate pleading hadn’t been in vain. The only thought in his mind was that he needed to get him to the room quickly to sleep.
Tae-rim was quiet the entire way to the room. He looked deep in thought, but also seemed as peaceful as usual. Ha-min, feeling like a criminal, obediently kept his mouth shut and looked straight ahead, following him.
After getting out of the car, Tae-rim strode up the stairs and opened the door lock to Ha-min’s room on his own. It was surprising enough that he entered the number without hesitation, but it was even more startling that it opened right away with a beep. How did he know…? Before Ha-min could ask, Tae-rim entered the small room as if it were his own home.
Ha-min arranged the shoes Tae-rim had just thrown off and sat awkwardly on the bed. This was because Tae-rim had gone straight in to shower. There was already a toothbrush in the bathroom that he had used a few times before. Is it fortunate that I didn’t throw it away…? With a strangely lingering tension, Ha-min wandered around the clean room, looking for something to tidy up. Then he noticed the plastic first aid kit and placed it where it could be seen.
As soon as Tae-rim came out of the shower, Ha-min quickly went into the bathroom. The hot air hit him along with Tae-rim’s scent, making his body ache for no reason. Flustered by his body’s automatic reaction, Ha-min hurriedly washed with cold water and came out. He changed into a large T-shirt that came down to his hands and left the bathroom.
Tae-rim was sitting casually on the bed, scrolling through his phone with an indifferent face. Seeing his somewhat expressionless and subdued profile, Ha-min became conscious of the atmosphere and rolled his eyes around before noticing the first aid kit he had prepared separately. With a face that suddenly remembered, he carefully asked.
“Should I apply some medicine…?”
Tae-rim’s bruises had darkened over time. They were so vivid that it hurt just to look at them, so Ha-min asked out of concern, but Tae-rim chuckled and shook his head.
