#94
“Want some coffee?”
He asked naturally while operating the coffee machine. Ha-min blinked and nodded.
“Go sit down. I’ll bring it to you.”
At his considerate words, Ha-min quickly nodded and headed to the living room.
For some reason, meeting him in pajamas from the morning felt strange. Although they had slept together a few times, this kind of ordinary morning was a first, making him feel awkward. But no matter how normal he tried to act, the unique tension felt whenever he was with him didn’t easily disappear. Like last night.
‘Just hit me or swear at me instead.’
‘Don’t act like it’s all over.’
He disliked the continued uncomfortable atmosphere. Ha-min didn’t appreciate knowing that he had liked him, nor the subtly changed attitude. Because he felt sorry, because the fact that he had a one-sided love for a long time was pitiful – he was being extra nice and watching his reactions out of guilt.
Ha-min held back his words. Without any response, he carefully brushed off his touch. Ha-min’s only wish was to spend a month safely, getting along with him like before.
“Here.”
While he was briefly lost in thought, a mug filled with opaque brown liquid appeared before his eyes. What he handed over was a latte mixed with milk, with a sweet aroma rising… The glass cup in his hand was warm.
“Thanks.”
He naturally sat down next to Ha-min. Their hips barely touched, and Ha-min unconsciously shifted slightly to the opposite side, trying not to make it noticeable. At the same time, he felt his gaze. At that moment, he realized his mistake.
“You don’t even want to touch?”
He asked with a playful smile. Though his voice wasn’t angry, his eyes weren’t smiling despite the smile on his face.
“Huh?”
“…”
Ha-min asked back in confusion, but he didn’t inquire further and turned his gaze to the front, putting on a smile. In that moment, as if nothing had happened, he casually drank his coffee and spoke again.
“You have afternoon classes today, right?”
At his usual calm voice, Ha-min briefly relaxed the tension he had felt and firmly grasped the mug.
“Yeah.”
“I have afternoon classes too, so let’s go out together.”
He brushed up his hair that had fallen onto his forehead as if it was bothersome while checking his phone.
“And since we didn’t eat properly last night, shall we have dinner out before coming back?”
“Huh?”
“I have something to tell you today too.”
“…”
“Let’s go somewhere nice and eat something delicious.”
It seemed like he had everything scheduled in his head. Ha-min blinked with a dumb expression at the smoothly flowing itinerary.
“Today… I think I’m meeting with my friends after class…”
“Which friends?”
He was watching every word and action of Ha-min’s. Though he didn’t ask sensitively, it felt somewhat persistent.
“Oh, Tae-in, Eun-soo… Chae-rin…”
Ha-min started listing names one by one, folding his fingers with a dazed expression. Since he was going to school after a week, the kids were thoroughly prepared.
“Is that so?”
He responded in a seemingly regretful tone. Well, can’t be helped. He easily acquiesced and nodded. Ha-min was about to ask what he wanted to talk about but decided against it and just stared ahead quietly. At that moment, he threw another question.
“Drinking?”
“Probably…”
“Don’t drink too much.”
“Ah, okay.”
At this common concern, Ha-min obediently nodded. Though they were sitting slightly apart, the gap was close enough to clearly feel his scent. Perhaps because he had been sweating, his body odor felt particularly strong. Despite his clothes being completely soaked in sweat, there was no fishy smell. Ha-min took a meaningless sip of coffee, aware of himself. Regardless of whether feelings were involved or not, it was a strange awareness felt due to their history of physical intimacy.
“Should I pick you up?”
At the sudden question, Ha-min, who was lost in thought, opened his eyes wide with a “Huh?” To his foolish expression that seemed to ask what he meant, he added with a faint smile.
“After the drinking. Should I come pick you up when it’s over?”
Why?
Ha-min swallowed the question that was about to burst out and shook his head.
“How would you know when it ends… It’s fine.”
Ha-min adamantly refused and quietly stared at the half-empty coffee. With nowhere appropriate to look, he was persistently staring at the innocent brown liquid.
“You don’t walk well when you’re drunk.”
“I just won’t drink until I’m drunk.”
“Then call me if you do get drunk.”
“…”
“You can do that much, right?”
For some reason, it felt like a moment to yield.
By this point, his consideration was suspicious. Clearly, they had said they would try to get along normally as hyung and dongsaeng, but he kept trying to do more than that. Just like when they had been physically intimate, his conscious efforts to treat him well made Ha-min very uncomfortable. Ha-min abruptly stood up.
“I…”
“…”
“I’ll go wash up first.”
If that was the case, all he could do was consciously avoid him. Ha-min turned and headed back to his room. He didn’t try hard to stop him. But he could feel the gaze following him from behind. Ha-min entered the room with faster steps. His hand holding the mug unconsciously tightened. Feeling short of breath, he meaninglessly tapped his solar plexus.
**
“What?!”
Tae-in’s agitated voice rang out loudly. Fortunately, the atmosphere in the bar was chaotic, so it didn’t draw attention. Ha-min put his finger to his lips, gesturing to be quiet. With a flustered face, he made shushing sounds. Tae-in, realizing his voice had unconsciously gotten louder, hurriedly covered his mouth. The news he heard from Ha-min was shocking to Tae-in.
“Really? You’re living with hyung?”
Tae-in whispered, lowering his voice significantly.
When Ha-min came to school after a week, the kids pulled him into a drinking session as if they had been waiting. Eun-soo said they couldn’t not have a drink when meeting after so long, and if he couldn’t drink, he should at least pretend to be in the mood. It seemed Tae-in had made up an excuse that he was sick, but even so, they acted as if they were upset that he hadn’t contacted them once. Feeling sufficiently apologetic, Ha-min obediently followed along.
Having arrived first with Tae-in, Ha-min spilled everything that had happened in the meantime. When he had confided everything to Tae-in, they had made a promise at the end. To not create any more secrets.
“Rather than living together… it’s just temporary…”
The implication of living together felt awkward. Ha-min thought of it as a brief grace period. It was still difficult to talk about hyung casually to Tae-in, but his non-judgmental reaction made Ha-min feel at ease.
“Wow, he packed up and left, and now he’s living with you.”
“…It just happened…”
“I was thinking of calling you to be roommates since hyung left and I’m living alone now. But he snatched you away so quickly. Always so fast.”
He shook his head as if impressed, despite it being his own brother. Tae-in briefly moistened his dry throat with water. Putting down the emptied water glass on the table, he consciously looked around. After checking if anyone was around, he carefully asked.
“So… are you two dating now?”
Tae-in asked with slightly sparkling eyes, curious. At the cautious question, Ha-min’s eyes instantly widened. Ha-min also looked around, worried someone might have heard, and breathed heavily as if to say, “What are you talking about?”
“What are you saying? It’s not like that…!”
Just hearing it made his heart pound.
“What do you mean? You’re living together, right? Aren’t you two living together because you decided to date?”
Tae-in asked back as if Ha-min’s denial was strange. Usually, that would be the natural progression. Hearing this normal flow of events made Ha-min realize anew how bizarre the current situation was. It felt like the hamster wheel had gone off track, but hearing it from a third party gave it a fresh perspective.
“No, it’s not like that…”
A bitter tone unintentionally leaked out.
“Why would you live with that guy if you’re not even dating?”
“…It’s a long story…”
“I never knew gay stories could be this intriguing in my life.”
“What are you saying… I told you it’s not like that.”
“To think my own brother is gay.”
“Hyung’s not gay. He hates that kind of thing.”
“Would someone who’s not gay do that, that thing with you?”
As Tae-in stumbled over his words, unable to say it outright, Ha-min also blushed and cleared his throat with a “Ahem.”
“Anyway… hyung isn’t.”
“Hey, Ha-min.”
Tae-in called out to Ha-min, who was muttering with his head down, in a rather serious tone. Ha-min looked up curiously.
“From what I see, I think you could have a bit more confidence.”
“Huh?”
“When you suddenly disappeared, hyung couldn’t sleep properly for days.”
At the sudden mention of his brother, Ha-min tilted his head with a blank face.
“Besides, our hyung doesn’t waste time or money on unnecessary things.”
“…”
“Well, I’m not saying I’m completely right, but unlike before… I don’t think your feelings are one-sided anymore.”
Ha-min closed his mouth at these words of advice, delivered with all traces of his usual playfulness gone. Oddly enough, hearing such words made him want to laugh. They were similar to the expectations he himself had held before.
He had held such expectations countless times. He had hoped and gotten hurt, repeating this process over and over again to the point of weariness. The reason he decided to end this persistent one-sided love was because he was tired of even having expectations. Because it felt like he could only move on if he truly let go now.
Tae-in, hyung doesn’t like me.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
